When we moved into the neighborhood we met him at the playground down the street. He goes to the middle school, 7th or 8th grade not sure. He is very friendly he always come over and tries to make conversation with us. He is very sweet but awkward. He is outside on his bike on his smartphone around the neighborhood all day. He has made comments several times about my daughter being awesome he may or may not have a crush, seems to me he does. My daughter is only in 3rd grade. This boy goes over another 8 yo girls house to play (a friend and classmate of my daughter) and her parents are like go play outside (she told me because you don't want him in your house he runs up and down the stairs and gets rowdy). So then they come over to our house and ask if they can come in and play with my daughter. I make up an excuse why she can't play. The two girls play great together, barbies and whatnot. But with him there he wants to play physical like chasing,or tag games. In my mind it has nothing to do with autism, just that the age difference and he's a boy I don't feel comfortable him playing in her room or our house with her. Just a small part of me feels bad like I am discriminating against him , my mind feels bad for him, he deserves a friend but does it have to be my 8 year old daughter? Even though he is autistic, he attends a middle school with other middle school boys, he still has hormones . Am I wrong, mean, cold or overprotective to not allow him in our home to play with my daughter?
Just let them play together where you can see them. I would definitely not let them play together in her room alone. Don't discriminate against him. I think he probably has enough of that. Keep In mind he may chronologically
13, cognitively he is not.
If he already plays well with another 8 year old girl in the neighborhood, I see no reason why the three of them couldn't play together. If you are concerned, why not have them play outside where you can keep tabs. Physical games like tag and chasing are GREAT for girls. A huge problem for girls is that they stop being physically active in mid to late elementary school and for many that becomes a life long issue. When I was 12, I played with my 8 year old brother. Our neighborhood group of kids at that time extended from about 7-13. If we hadn't allowed everyone to play, we never would have had enough kids for most games.
I know three boys in their teens and four men who are autistic, from profound autism to various degrees of Alzheimer's expression. I'm sure they all have hormones, but don't have a clue about what to do with them. Even two of the adult men seem to have no interest in romance of any kind.
I'm sure there must be some instances in which autistic children act out sexually, but I'm guessing that's much less common than in the general population. And seriously, I've seen more sexual exploration/play among "normal" children. Some of this is just normal, healthy curiosity, though it certainly warrants parental caution.
If your daughter is okay playing with this boy, I wouldn't hesitate to allow them to be together under supervision, at least until you decide whether you can trust them together. If it were your daughter being excluded because of something she can't help, you'd sure want her to have a chance to socialize and grow as a member of the society we all share. Just a thought.
ADDED: I realize this question is important for me because I'm also on the autism spectrum, although it expresses mildly in my case. But growing up was lonely and difficult for me because I didn't know how to relate to my own age group. I had a wonderful time with younger kids, though, and probably learned most of what I understand about human relationship through play and "mothering" them.
I don't see a problem with them playing where you can see them.
He may actually be closer to her age maturity wise. Honestly, there shouldn't be any opposite sex playing in bedrooms at all. Doors always open so you can see/hear what's going on REGARDLESS of whether your daughter's friends are "typical" or not.
My son is on the spectrum, and many times kids get along really well with the somewhat younger/somewhat older kids, but the close to same age kids don't tolerate the quirkiness very well - unless they understand where it's coming from.
Now if he's a rowdy all-boy type, then you can be honest if your house isn't really up to rowdy boy play. They can play in the yard.
can your daughter ride bikes/scooters/rollerblades/etc. with him outside under your supervision? You can be friendly and set boundaries and limitations. If I am not comfortable enough with parents my kids dont go in their house and they do not come in mine. period. I am not sure your relationship with the parents but that is how I set my boundaries. Are their other kids in the neighborhood his age? He really could be looking for a friend and might be lonely. Plus I think your daughter can learn a lot of positive here by interacting with different kinds of people and learning how to set boundaries for herself as well.
My son has a friend who is likely ASD, although I can't be sure. (I have gleaned this from observations I've made working in the school and seeing her interactions with her peers and her para-educator.) She's a girl, two years older, and they LOVE playing together-- running games/team games (the kids at school have a whole 'pretend battle' game going with 'teams'....) While he loves her as a friend and wanted to give her a valentine's card, there's no 'crush' stuff going on and I limit their playtime to school. Beyond playing chasing games, there is no other common ground.
My advice would be is to ask if *your daughter* is interested in and is asking to play with the kids, THEN go outside WITH them. Playtime between such a span of ages isn't uncommon, so long as it's the neighborhood 'group' of kids and not just one-on-one. When you see the fun breaking up, bring your daughter in and send him on his way.
I'm not going to give you a hard time for your choice to exclude him from your house, but I think there's a middle option between outright exclusion and giving him carte blanche access to your home. One neighborhood I lived in as a kid-- the kids from high school all the way down to about third or fourth grade-- we got together for different 'team' games. Everyone got to play -- we all lived out in the country, in the woods at that time-- so any kid who heard about something fun going on in between the 10 houses on our street got to come play. We all looked out for each other.
I can understand your concerns to an extent, but as an Occupational Therapist who has worked with many Autistic children and adolescents, I can tell you he probably means no harm and just wants to play. People with Autism usually have a difficult time navigating social situations and making close relationships. Because of his social immaturity, it is typical to gravitate toward younger kids... and girls are often more engaging and nurturing. It is hard enough for any middle school kid to try to "fit in" and find their place socially, never mind a person with Autism, so he may not have any friends his age. Maybe you can make rules that would help to include him some of the time. Ie. you can play outside in our back yard for and hour (that way they can be supervised). Be very consistent with your rules.... hopefully he has enough awareness and supervision to be appropriate with your daughter and other young girls. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But, at the same time, he is an older boy with hormones and feelings, and he may not understand the ramifications of his actions, so they should be supervised when they play. Good luck!
No, you're not wrong for not allowing him in your home. You have your own rules and standards.
As others suggested I would let yhem play outside supervised. Autism is so prevalent I feel that it is imperative for the kids to be mainstreamed (included in public school) it's beneficial for all involved. You should embrace the opportunity to have your daughter play with a variety of different kids.
My nephews are autistic (one is mainstreamed and tge other not-they do not communicate much beyond mimicking words) and seventeen. My kids love to they and interact and play with them and I feel that it makes them more empathetic and open to different situations.
Does it have to be all or nothing?
On the one hand, you do have to take boy hormones into account.
On the other hand, here is a fantastic, amazing opportunity to teach your daughter compassion and respect for difference. She will be a better person, lifelong, for it. She'll become someone who will make you proud, always.
SO, it sounds like you need to give them limited opportunities to spend time together, but only when you're there to supervise. So, make a rule that "Johnny" can come over, say, on Thursdays, from 3-5. That's playdate time. Autistic kids often (not universally, but often) thrive on calendars and routine. So this will be a gift to your daughter, in terms of maturity and compassion, but in a way that you can control.
I am torn on this one. I guess I don't see anything wrong with kids of different age groups playing together as long as the play is appropriate. It sounds like it is and this would be a benefit for your daughter. Isn't playing chase and running around so good for kids. Plus, I personally feel that kids grow from learning about and getting to know all kinds of people.
Just because 13 year old boys have hormones doesn't mean that they will be inappropriate in how they interact with girls. But, if you have seen him doing something that makes you uncomfortable, that's a different story. If your daughter is interested in playing with him, I don't see any harm in allowing it as long as it is supervised if that's what makes you feel comfortable.
You are not wrong or mean. Explain it to him. Your daughter isn't allowed to play with older boys. Period. He is human. He probably understands more than you think.
My brother is Autistic and I am the mother of an autistic child. I don't think you are wrong to feel the way you do. Put the autism aside, the age difference and his type of play that he wants to do make it hard to even say yes. I wouldn't be comfortable with them playing together. You are not mean, cold or overprotective, just being a mother who wants what is best for her daughter. My suggestion is, if you do give it a try, you make sure that they play where you are so you can control the situation. You may want to play with them for the first few times—set the tone—show the boy how to play appropriately. It may lead to something better in the end.
You are not wrong for not allowing a 13 year old boy to play with your 8 year old daughter. If I had an 8 year old daughter, she would not be allowed to play with a 13 year old boy, regardless of disabilities. I work in special ed, half my students are on the spectrum. It is HARD for these kids to make friends. They almost never fit in with their same aged peers.
I would say that even if it's uncomfortable, you should speak to his mom or dad. Let him know that you just don't allow your daughter to play with 13 year old boys. It's an unbreakable rule in your home, it's about your daughter, not their son. It is up to his parents to explain to him that teen boys don't play with little girls, that's it is not appropriate.
Be friendly to the boy when you see him outside. Greet him by name, ask how he is, offer to bring him out a cold drink. If you have an outdoor gathering of a bunch of varied age/sex kids, certainly include him.
Good luck
Have you talked to his parents? I imagine they could give you some good info about how to ensure their play is fun for both - and more importantly how to let him know when he is being too wild, or that it's time to go home. I think as adults we are truly mean when we don't let children know - gently and kindly of course - where the boundaries are.
Nope I wouldn't either. Not because of the autism but because of the age difference.
He will be you and your daughter's Superman if any mean girls ever decide to get physically aggressive with her or if any stranger ever negatively approaches you.
Supervise the visits. You will have a friend for life.
we have an aspergers child in our neighborhood. He is a nice kid..I know he is not completely in control of his body. However we have had some major issues because of this kid.
I tried to invite him over. I really can't trust his erratic behavior.
I would say politely decline.
I think you are not mean, but perhaps not open-minded either. If it's that he's older and a boy, you could have a rule that he is not allowed in the bedrooms and when he's over, they stay out in the common areas. Or, if there are more than just the two of them and you allow them into another room, the door must stay open.
I think you should give this kid a chance. It's not really fair to him for you to base your opinion of him on someone else's experience. He may have been having a bad day or something else going on in the house may have amped him up. Just give him a chance. Everyone should be entitled to at least one chance.
I don't want to weigh in on either side. What I will say is that if your mommy alarm is going off even faintly, LISTEN TO IT. Every time mine has gone off and I've ignored it, or talked myself out of it I have regretted it....every time.
I'm not saying no contact, but LOTS of communication with his mom/family of origin and LOTS of supervision if/when they spend time together. Lastly, I would have an age appropriate conversation with her, reinforcing her physical boundaries and that she should always tell you anything that she might not be comfortable with. S.
