Anybody Else Have a Terrible Mother's Day?

The honeymoon is definately over! Husbands are great when they are freshly new fathers, but after 6 years my husband doesn't do anything either. I don't get mad..it's not worth it. Since my kids are in school, I typically get homemade cards and art projects which is cooler than a dozen roses that die within a week. I usually have the kids pick a small gift for my husband. Getting even is not the way to go. My husband said the times are tough and money is tight, which I agree. Do something simple and don't go over board. If he wants more, then tell him I'll do better if you do better.

If you really, really want to be happy, to leave the resentment and stress behind, to show your kids what it means to be content, then stop expecting anybody, ever, to make you happy.

Happiness lies between our own ears. That's the only place it can ever exist. Sure, other people can make gestures, but if it's what we had to tell them to do, is it really worth anything? Don't you know in your heart that it is forced? And those gestures might not be exactly what we had in mind. What then?

When I married my sweet husb, I saw clearly what he had to bring to the relationship, and promised myself that I would remember every day what I love about him. He has never given me a flower in 28 years, but what he offers is kindness, loyalty, honesty, a sense of humor, steadiness, creativity… this could become a very long list.

This is not to say that he hasn't come to recognize and respond to my occasional whim and need. But for that to happen, I've had to do two things: let him know precisely, and repeatedly, what I want/need. And then model what I want/need by giving it generously and sincerely to him, so he can understand its value or delight.

Don't play games based on spite or resentment. They can not increase your happiness, and could seriously increase your unhappiness.

From experience, I really have to disagree with the other responses. Trying to get back at him by doing nothing for Father's Day is probably not a good idea. I tried that type of thing once and my husband learned nothing. Guys don't learn from a negative. They don't care about Father's Day the way we do about Mother's Day, so most men wouldn't even notice. Doing something really nice for your husband on Father's Day would probably teach him more.

Then next year, remind him ahead of time about Mother's Day, with a hint, hint, attached. And then try to let it go for the rest of this year, because it's not good for your family to obsess over this.

Men often think, "well, you're not MY mother," not understanding that they are supposed to get their kids to do something for mom's day. What can I say. Men!

OK, my response might be unpopular but here it is:

My wonderful husband never gave a thought to me for valentines, mother's day, Christmas, nothing. For our anniversary he'd take us away together and since it is two weeks before my b-day, it was supposed to pass for both days if I asked.

I used to give hints, tell his mom to give hints, tell his friends what I wanted for christmas with the instruction to guide him into getting it and then I would feel bad and get mad because I'd end up empty handed. Did I mention the time I did get flowers for Vday was because he wanted to buy flowers for another woman friend who was alone on Vday and he felt sorry for her? So he got her the flowers and had the sense to not just give them to her. I got the exact same bouquet. Once I got a slice of cake for my b-day, but I found out it actually came from the friend (same one who got the flowers from my man) who sent him out to get it with the instruction to give it to me. Otherwise I'd have gotten nothing.

SO when I finally confronted him about it a few years ago, the answer I got was, "Gift giving and Hallmark industry holidays are just not a part of my love language." And while I found that answer bone-headed, when I finally got around to listening to him I realized he was right. He has a beautiful love language which includes being a good listener (most of the time), giving the occasional back rub, making breakfast for the kids most mornings, fixing thigs around the house and doing random chores involved in my photography business. He even used to write me poetry. He makes me laugh and tells me the truth when I need to hear it, whether I want it or not. He vaccuums my car...

See what I mean? He loves me. He just doesn't do it overtly on holidays.

So it took me a few years, but I decided to stop playing this game of wanting, being passive agressive, being lavish with him on his holidays, being angry... this was all ruining MY relationship with him. It was my problem and because the expectations were in my head and not based on the reality of my relationship, I was ultimately responsible for being so upset about it all. So I let it go. I stopped expecting entirely.

And so he started giving me gifts. I mean, a surprise box from Victoria's Secret in my car's trunk on V-Day (god bless him, it was right after I had a baby and felt so unattractive!), breakfasts in bed, hand made cards, everything I always hated asking for. He doesn't do it all the time, and that's fine. I really have quit worrying about it. And I"ve quit making such a big deal about grand jestures myself. It's been liberating, even though I enjoy gift giving.

I say quit expecting. It isn't part of his love language. Enjoy him for who he is and revel in the love he shows you all year round. Men are kind of sensible about not buying into commercial holidays. Remember why you married him.

Once the pressure is off, who knows how he'll react.

All the best.

Strong 2nd to planning your own Mother's Day in the future.

I never "got" anything for MD, either. So a year or two ago I just started saying

"So I think for MD this year I want ______________." And then I listed out how I wanted the day to go in minute detail. And then I posted the durn thing... because while my H would LIKE to care, he just doesn't. It's not important to him at all... so he forgets. As in, will schedule going out with the boys the night before and then lunch with so and so day of, etc.

So I say that this is important to me, this is what I want, this is how I want it... and then I gush when I "get" it.

For me this year that meant sleeping in until I woke up, going tanning, reading for several hours, having a free hour for a phonecall to a girlfriend out of country, XYZ for dinner, etc. Now I made the tanning appt, cooked dinner, etc. But essentially MD/FD in our house has become the "anything you want to plan & pay for you get, no argument" day.

It works for us.

Hi J.-

I don't know your husband or how he treats you the rest of the year, but here's my 2 cents. Most men are not the sensitive guys we wish they were. They don't understand how hard our job is and don't have a clue that a messy, mispelled card from our kids means a lot to us. Or just being allowed to sleep in and wake up to a pot of coffee and a bagel would be heaven to us! If he treats you well the rest of the year and just royally screwed up Mother's Day don't let it ruin the rest of your year.

Maybe next year, go ahead and schedule your own Mother's Day. Make an appointment for a massage, make reservations for brunch, tell your husband that you'll be sleeping in and that it would be nice if he would take the kids to the park in the morning so that it's quiet :-). Whatever you want, go ahead and make it happen for yourself. I know it would mean more if he would do it for you, but sometimes they just don't know what to do. I guarantee you if you do this for yourself and come home happy and refreshed he'll be very supportive and he might even remember to do it for you the next year!

Oh and for Father's Day, I completely understand how you feel but I think you'll actually do more good showing the right way to do it rather than trying for revenge.

Good luck,
K.

I seriously doubt that ignoring or 'sticking it to him' on Father's Day will make you feel any better or mend your disappointed heart. If you have not been able to resolve this with his apology and 3 weeks cooling off, do you really think ignoring Father's Day will make you feel better? Two wrongs don't make a right. Poor behavior is not the solution for poor behavior. If you are feeling unappreciated, then you need to communicate that to him... Perhaps this Father's Day should be celebrated as second chance Parent's Day (he honors you, you honor him, celebrate it as a family).

Besides, you being absent from Father's Day or not making an effort for the children to have/do something for him actually only robs your children of having a meaningful Father's Day.

I'm a single mother to a beautiful five year old. There is nobody to help him with Mother's Day. He has come up to me and given me hugs and kisses and Happy Mother's Day all on his own for the last two years(his school telling him Mother's day is a big deal). I nearly always forget it is such a holiday because the best gift I have ever gotten was becoming a Mother(how can you top that for a gift?).

Forget about the gifts, forget revenge. You have such treasures right in front of you, even when they are misbehaving and you wanna scream. Enjoy them each and every day. Just my 2 cp.

SA Mamman H said “it wasn’t part of her husband’s love language.” Ahh…But the point of love language is not speaking your own language but finding and understanding your partners love language and giving to them what THEY NEED.
Your husband is very inconsiderate and self-centered. I say this because why wouldn’t you give to the person that you love what they need or want if it was within your capacity to do so? The acknowledgment of the day, a hand-made card, helping the kids fix you breakfast in bed and then all joining you, lunch after church, laughter…..He probably learned this insensitive behavior from his childhood home and his mother probably received the same treatment.
Don’t hold back on Father’s Day. Be the bigger person, be the leader and be the teacher for him and your children. If you don’t want this to perpetuate to the next generation stop it now and teach. Love always forgives….not necessarily forgets, but it always forgives.
Your anger is only hurting YOU, YOUR relationship with YOUR husband and YOUR children will pick up on YOUR attitude. YOU are the only person responsible for YOUR feelings. It is not his responsibility for how you feel.
Enjoy the rewards of giving him a special day on Father’s day for better or worse and don’t throw it in his face. True teachers lead by example, then if they don’t get it, (metaphorically speaking…) knock’em upside the head! 

I suggest you tell him in advance that you would appreciate it if he would teach the kids how to make the day special.

I have a tough time on Mother's Day. Our fourth child was stillborn on Mother's Day a couple of years back. To be honest we celebrate more for our living kids than for me. It was a very difficult day for them when she was born. So for Mother's day we find something to do as a family and in the late afternoon we always go out to place flowers on our daughter's grave. Afterward we enjoy feeding the ducks and swans.

Even with all that I still have to remind my husband to make the day special. I have tried to start traditions so the kids have good memories and so that my husband doesn't have to invent something new each year. Then there isn't any pressure to out do the last year's event.

Let it go and make Father's Day special. Believe me it really isn't worth it.

My suggestion (and it isn't a nice one to some people) is give him a REAL Father's Day - Daddy & His Kids ALL DAY LONG!!! I know that sounds mean to some people but I think it is only fair - lt will give him a taste of what your regular days are like and at the same time it is a bonding experience for Daddy. You can plan a day at the zoo or something for them and if he asks if you are coming - reply "No this is YOUR Special day to spend together with your kids" then when he gets home - have dinner waiting and if he complains then yes say something about how hard it was or anything about it being Father's Day and he thought he was going to just relax - say well then next year you take care of the kids for Mother's Day & I will do it for Father's Day - how is that :)

Sorry such a horrible mothers day!! Is your husband a planner at all? my husband is not, I plan our outing, vacations, etc. so for mothers day I just flat out tell him how I would like to spend the day with the family. It works for us. I am happy bc we are together and doing something that I want to do and he his happy that it was not left for him to make all the decsions for the day. But, dont have any suggestions on why the no card. But, he is setting the bar for fathers day, I know it does make you want to skip that day for him, but maybe if you help the kids make him cards for fathers day, he can keep that in mind next year for you.

ohhhh...mine has done the same thing a few times. Unfortunatley, if he doesn't think it's a big deal, he doesn't get why it is for you. And I couldn't "get back" at him on father's day, because I want to teach my kids that it is important to celebrate people who are special to you. SO....we've come up with a new plan. On MOther's day he has to help them make me breakfast and clean up, then I take the kids and do my favorite things with them. he gets the day off. We then reverse for Father's Day. Knowing I get a day off soon makes it worth it!
And the kids don't think we are ditching them for a day off, they just think we get alone time as our gift.
Hope you can work something out. All that anger pent up isn't good for anyone...I'm still trying to get better at it!

One thing that I have found helpful is planning out the day in advance with my husband. I tell him specificaly where I would like to go to lunch, or what activity I would like to do. Last year I really wanted to go to a special Mother's Day tea for all ages and it was on Saturday. I was very specific and he was happy for a plan that I would love. I think that sometimes when you are really upfront with your desires it spares hurt feelings in the end.

Maybe for Father's Day you could try that-- ask him what he would enjoy doing that would make him feel special that day. Special time with the kids? A little alone time? Favorite dinner? We often make home made ice cream. It is not big or expensive but it is something special that he enjoys.

I hope that next year is a better one!
A.

Oh boy. I am sorry. I know that we should be happy to be mothers when there are so many out there who are trying so hard to become moms and can't. I really, really feel for them. We moms work hard all year long with very little acknowledgement. Sure, our hubby's will throw compliments our way occasionally, but Mother's Day is one day a year that it's supposed to be about us. It's not selfish. It's one bloody day!! This year, my hubby had great intentions, but my oldest had a baseball tournament, and since we have a 13 month old, we didn't want to take her to the tourney since we'd be there all day. I was up at 5am and spent the next 16 hours FREEZING my bum off while sitting and watching my son's team lose 3 out of 4 games. I got home to a dinner that I had to reheat and got to get up and do it all again the next day. I was going on and on about how crummy this weekend was, until I watched an episode of Army Wives. Sure, it's a tv show, but it kinda hit home to me. Two of the characters had lost children and Mother's Day was particularly hard for them. It got me thinking about my own Mother's Day and I started to feel better. I had a crappy Mother's Day, but it could be worse and although I had already thought of those not yet mothers, I hadn't thought of those who's lost children. Sometimes it's hard to not resent our husbands when all we want is some sort of acknowledgement. Make sure your hubby knows that this should not happen next year. It may be a hallmark holiday, but it's also a day when moms get recognized. There's nothing wrong with wanting some validation. Let your husband know you want it. Once your kids get older, they will want to do special things for you and it won't have to fall on your husband. For Father's Day, let him know what you were thinking about leaving the kids with him and see what he says. He may want to take them fishing or do something special with them. Don't wait until that day to find out he had other plans. Then the hurt of Mother's Day may just come back with a vengence.
Good luck - Happy belated Mother's Day!!

I am not giving you any advice but saying that I completely empathize with you. My first husband (and I repeat first husband) told me I wasn't his mother once on a Mother's Day where I received nothing. The rest is history.There were a few other problems, too. That just represented it. I left him and found a person who actually values me.Now I am not saying to do any such thing. I say I empathize with you and I know how hurt you must have felt. If he refuses next year to do something for you, you line up your own best Mother's Day on earth even if it is by yourself. Get a pedicure the day before, order food and have it delivered, invite yourself to someone's house and get a babysitter, etc.etc. There are a lot of men and women out there who do not appreciate eachother. And that guilt trip he gave you, throw it out. You are the hardest working human being on earth. You are a mother.

Mine sucked too. The ramifications are horrible in my house. I feel so under appreciated and under valued. It's led to several fights between my husband and I. I will not be doing a darn thing for Father's Day. It may not mean anything to him. And, honestly, I don't care if it does or not. I'm not going out of my way to plan a special day for my husband if he can't even acknowledge all that I do around our home. So, I say go for it. Go shopping. Get a mani/pedi. Anything you wanna do!

well, mine wasn't all that great.
I ditto what Riley said... I now have to actually SAY what I want or go and do what I want. It is not a coordinated concerted "effort" on Hubby's part....
he actually took just me, out for dinner at a simple place.... but while eating and as I tried to make conversation, all he could do was grunt yes or no and was just on his iPhone doing work.
Then he says "okay so that was your Mother's Day... what else is on the list?" Then we just went home. That's it.
Then on the actual Mother's Day... he was studying & working the WHOLE entire day and night. Could not even take a 1 hour break to go have lunch. And he was a bit grumpy.... and I was left babysitting the kids... although I SAID I wanted to get out, by myself, to do get a pedicure.

So I was pretty pissed and irked and pissed and irked and then I just felt 'whatever..." my kids love me and told me Happy Mother's Day and drew things for me.
Then, I just ordered some take out... for "our" lunch and brought it home.

My own "event planning."

I will do the same for him. Not much. Just see and wing it as the day goes on.

you are not alone.
My Hubby is not always so self-centered... and he is busy with school. I will give him that. And he works hard. Still, he could have taken at least 1 hour "off" that day... to focus something on me. Just for 1 darned day. Because the other days of the year.... I am just not always appreciated. Like most Moms, though. And, alas, that is not the only day he was a dense/clueless/cold jerk.
Yah I was salty about it... but I"m over it... we both had it out with each other.

All the best,
Susan

I'm right there with you. After last year I thought I had made things clear to my husband that he needed to do (not necessarily buy) something special. However I was up early going to the bathroom when my 2 year old woke up and joined me. I called and asked my husband to get up with him because I had a headache to which he moaned and groaned and grumbled. I responded "Really, you know it's Mother's Day right". At any rate it wasn't a good day at all. I spent most of the day crying. I'm convienced you have to spell everything out for men. I've told him if he doesn't have a lot of money and wants some creative ideas to ask my Mom or our Babysitter for help. Men just don't get it. Or I'll do everything myself and he can foot the bill. I'm sure you'll be able to forgive, but it's really really hard to forget something like this.

Yes, I too had a horrible Mother's Day. I didnt get anything from my husband or kids. One child didnt even tell me Happy Mother's Day. Worse part of the day was when my own mother found out she had cancer. Be happy with your blessings in life and dont dwell on the fact of what didnt happen. I feel so furtunate that they found the cancer and now my mother and her doctors can build a plan to folllow up on. Our lives are a blessing each day from the Lord.

I think it's important that you let your husband know how much he hurt your feelings. I have a great husband, but I feel like so often the "good woman" in us makes us answer in a fashion that coddles the big oaf's! I absolutely would not plan anything for his fathers day. He was a jerk on Mothers Day and in my opinion, made it worse when he poked at you about what you said on Facebook. I'm not suggesting that you harbor ill feelings, but I do not believe in one sided relationships that we see so often when the woman works her butt off and trys to do it all while the man pluncks his butt on the couch.

At some point, I do think you need to really talk to him about it and make sure he understands that is unacceptable. I know several women who are much older than me who have never gotten anything from their loving husbands on their birthday or mothers day. Well - that is not ok and I don't think those men are as loving as their wives say they are.

It's not about money. It doesn't have to be an expensive gift. It doesn't have to cost anything, it could be a picnic in the park, a walk by the river - whatever - it is the thought that counts and when there is no thought - that counts.

I think you could maybe ask him for a do over and have a special Mom day. But please, don't gush on Fathers Day - I think that just reinforces their behaviour... I think if you can get him to sincerly understand and make up for it, that you will be able to get past it. Good luck to you - definately not worth kicking him to the curb :-), but don't let him do this to you. It's not fair, nor healthy!

When we were first married I had already had a 11 year old son. He made sure that my husband did something for MD, which is quite amazing since he was only 11. We had a daughter a couple years into the marriage and it seemed like my husband kind of forgot. There were a couple MD's that I felt totally unappreciated. Then I decided it was up to me to let him know how I felt. So maybe you need to sit him down and make sure he is paying attention, and tell him how you feel. Not in an angry way, or in a lecturing way, but in love. And after you tell him how you feel, it is time to let the disappointment go.
For next year though I would definately tell him a week or 2 beforehand about what you want to do for MD. Find something you like to do and do it. If you are a mani/pedi girl, maybe do that the day before. Get a few hours by yourself and go shopping, or out to dinner as a family. Make sure you do what you want to do, and let him know that he will have to put off his needs for yours that day.
Another thing that may make you feel better this time is to schedule your own "make-up" day before Father's day. Maybe take a Saturday or Sunday and do just what you would like to do. That way when Father's day comes you will be able to celebrate your husband without any resentment. Good luck with all of this.
T.

J.,
I can top ya...Mothers Day this year was also my husbands birthday!!! They seem to have cancelled one another out. I cleaned the house, then he proceeded to make the worst crab bisque known to man!!! I had the PLEASURE of CLEANNG up after it.....(and eating it ;(
I am, at least, grateful I got a camera that I asked for.........I think that I would have recieved it wether it was Moms day or not.

Girl, dont sweat the small stuff!!!

Wow....just about EVERY detail of your Mother's Day was IDENTICAL to mine! (except my baby was 11 mos at the time, and my hubby did his exercising at the gym)...and my hubby never apologized.

Did he do anything for you last year? Does he NORMALLY treat you well? This year was the BEST of my 3 years of being a mother, because my hubby finally SAID "Happy Mother's Day" to me. Hopefully by the time our kids graduate from college I'll get a gift or at least a back rub ;)

Same kind of day for me. I am glad I am not alone either! I am still angry but have to move on. I will have the kids make homemade cards for him- because to me that is the best gift. The kids need to know it is an important day. And then I do have a few small gifts- one of which is something I want too (a tumbler with pics of the kids on it)- so I made one for me as well. Next year I will make sure to plan the day I want- and take some time for myself- a pedicure or massage. So that I won't be as upset. And I think this weekend I will have my daughters make me the card that I didn't get on Mother's Day. Seems tacky, but hey if it is what I want then I can make that happen. We make cards for everyone else so why not ask them to make one for me?!!! Also, that will hopefully give Daddy the message.

I'm sorry you had such a bad day! You need to do something special for yourself and then get over it though. You've got 3 Saturdays before Father's Day. Tell your husband that he has to watch the kids on one of those days and go do something special just for you. Get a pedicure and have some drinks with a friend or go shopping and buy a new bathing suit or go to a gym and workout then get a massage at their spa.
Come home and tell or show your husband what you did or got and say thank you for the belated Mother's Day gift - it was just what you needed. Or just say you want a do-over because you're still upset by planning a nice dinner for the family out to eat with the intention that it's your special day. Then do something special for Father's Day. Don't be out for revenge here. Just let him know that you do deserve some recognition. A lot of guys really just don't realize that it's something they should focus on. Give him a break this time but still do something for yourself.
I agree that you don't need a big fancy gift but true acknowlegement and appreciation will do even if it's just a card and letting you sleep in.
This is the first time he's done this right?

I hear you. If it wasn't for me planting ideas in my 5 year old's head about what mommy wanted for her special day, I would get nothing. My husband waits until the last minute to get me a card, and then nothing else. I don't expect fancy gifts or anything, but simple appreciation is nice. This year I made my own reservation for a pedicure, and treated myself to a nice 2 hour appointment, out of the house, by MYSELF! Next year you should do the same. At the end of the day though, I loved my new painted toes, but most importantly enjoyed spending the rest of the day with hugs and kisses from my beautiful children. If men would think, a little thought would get them special surprises at the end of the night. If momma ain't happy, no one is happy.

I can top that :)
My husband was out of town for the military....I was horribly sick....and my three little boys were crazy all day and completely trashed out house.
My hubby did call to wish me happy mother's day, however it was during the only time I had to take a nap and he woke me up.
I'm holding out big hopes for next year ;)

Same exact thing happened to me. My hubby told me that he didn't think about it because I'm not HIS mother.....WHAT?!?!?!?!?!? And your sister (who we sent a card to) is? I think he really felt bad about it, so hopefully he'll be more careful next year.

Don't feel too bad though. My dad and BIL also dropped the ball this year. Maybe there is something in the water... My mom, sister and I are thinking of going to Hawaii for Mother's Day weekend next year and leaving the husbands and kids to fend for themselves!! (of course, this isn't something we're going to do, but it's fun to think about! ;)

We all decided that we were going to pull out all of the stops for Father's Day. We're going to give them the nicest Father's Days they've ever had. That ought to make them feel like heels for forgetting Mother's Day. Yes it's passive agressive, but the guilt evoked is going to be soooo satisfying. And damn it, they deserve it!!!