"Anyone Else" - Winston Salem,NC

I have a 15 year old son who keeps trying to fail his classes also. Fortunately, he is not out of our sight much so I don't believe he is having sex or involved in drugs.

He goes to a small school and we have to keep in communication with the teachers to keep on top of the homework he needs to do. He has lied to us and forged the teachers' signatures in his agenda to try to get out of doing homework. My son has a learning disability and IEP, so that probably makes a difference as to why we still take these extra steps even at his age.

He has asked to get a job and we say only once he is able to maintain good grades.

Does your son have a job and/or access to his own car despite his failing grades? Should those be removed until he brings his grades up and starts obeying the rules? Maybe you need family counseling to help resolve this? Please let us know if you find something that helps as I may be there soon and would want to learn what can be done.

I had problems like this with my son at that age and we got him involved in a group called Young Life. It's a Christian group that encourages the teens to choose a different path for their lives and to respect themselves, their bodies and each other. Also I don't know if you are involved in church groups but most of the local churches run groups for the teens. Or maybe try to get him interested in sports. Both my older boys are in young life and both are also involved in sports and play guitar too. They have straightened out so good luck and let us know how it goes. M. B

No, I don't have a 16-year-old myself, however, I was the problem-teen in my family and then went on to take child and family studies classes in college and learned some basic principles that I wish my parents had known when I was acting out. I hope these help.

1) Know you can't change your child (or your husband for that matter), but the ways you change your own behavior can result in your child (or husband) changing theirs. That said. . . .

2) Does your child *really feel like* he is loved by you? I'm sure right now you are incredibly frustrated/angry with him, and it probably shows in every look, word, and conversation (or lack thereof). It takes FIVE positive experiences (a smile, a kind word, etc.) to make up for ONE negative experience. (John Gottlieb's research on marriages) That's a lot, but try to start small. When you get up in the morning and meet him at breakfast, talk to him cheerfully and kindly. (Teen boys tend to like their space, so maybe a hug or kiss goodbye would not be the best idea, so stick with your conversation and the way you ask him to help out around the house. (do you order him, or do you ask him politely?) Start focusing on the good things he does and point them out, rather than focusing all the time on the bad. Thank him for helping out his sister, or any other tiny good thing you see him do. However, beware over-doing it!!! Start out slowly--one comment in the morning, one in the evening and work your way up--so he doesn't think you're just being weird or something.

Oh, I just remembered. There are five "love languages", ways that we recognize love: time, touch, service, kind words, and gifts. Typically we show love in our own love languages. Watch how he usually shows affection to others and try to show him love in those same ways.

If your child doesn't feel like you love him, he's not going to trust you. If he doesn't trust you, he's not going to listen to you. Additionally, he may go looking for love in the wrong places, as it sounds like he may be doing already.

3)Apologize to him. Yes, this may sound crazy, but teens are amazing at noticing and magnifying any adult misbehavior. Forget about all the ways he's misbehaved and consider yourself. Have you lost your temper at him? Did you say you'd give him an allowance if he did his chores and then not followed through? Think long and hard to see if there's anything that you may have done that could be upsetting him. Then, sit down with him, and apologize for whatever it was. Don't try to justify your behavior, but it's fine to show your concern for him. (e.g. "I'm sorry I've been really harsh on you. I've over-reacted a lot, and I shouldn't have. I guess I'm just really worried about you. I hate to see you making decisions that will really hurt you in the long-run.") Sincere apologies go a long way in helping a situation. However, you also have to commit to changing that behavior, and believe me, he'll expect you to keep your word. If you do, though, that will start building the necessary trust between the two of you.

4) Avoid lecturing and nagging at all costs. If you taught him when he was younger or have lectured him many a time before, he already knows full well when he makes choices you disagree with, so there's really no point in bringing them up again, unless you really want to continue arguing with him, which is not recommended. Nagging and lecturing are the first way to de-motivate your child from doing anything beneficial. If there's something you'd like him to do for you or someone else, be sure to ask him politely.

5) After he starts to seem more relaxed around you, start finding out what his dreams and ambitions are. What is he passionate about? sports? art? drama? science? Find ways to support him in these things. Has he made the connection between needing good grades--in all of his classes--and making it to college? If it doesn't seem like he has, find a moment to point it out in a very matter-of-fact way, not accusingly! Let him know you'd be glad to help him out in the subjects he's having trouble with or help find him a tutor or someone he can study with. If he's having problems with teachers, work out with him ways to solve those problems or help him get into different classes. Ask him if he'd like for the two of you to get together with a teacher to work something out.

Hope this helps!

Dear E.,
It may sound cruel, but at 16 you probably aren't going to have control. I'm fifty-one now. I raised two children. They are now 26 and 25. I learned long ago that control is just an illusion. You son is growing and is being his own person. As I see it you can do two things. You can tell him to leave or you can prepare yourselves for a very bumpy ride and love him with all your might. I didn't agree with anything they were doing. We had many fights and many tears. But through it all, my husband and I stuck by them. Mine are now raising families. There are still problems. There will always be problems. You are a parent and that's what comes comes with being a parent. I prayed and prayed. That's all you can do.

I am an 18 year old son and my parents also had the same problem with me. They soon found out the best way to get me under control was to take away everything that I enjoyed. I soon found out that if I wanted to have friends and have fun I would have to behave myself. I would suggest that you ground him and take away his tv, videogames, music, mp3 players,cell phones, ect.

When he doesn't have all the things he enjoys for a few months he will soon learn you mean business and start obeying your rules.

Hi, E.,
I am now a Grandmother of 8, but I started with five of my own. This is a very hard time. I often joke with my own kids and tell them that is why God gives them to us so little...if he gave us teenagers everyone would quit with one!!
My advice is to keep at it, keep telling him that all actions have equal reactions. I always told mine that every decision they make puts them firmly on a road that leads to somewhere. All anyone has to do is look at the end of the road and see where it leads. Knowing his friends is vital. A good influnce it very important at this age. And they compare themselves amoung themselves. So if their friends are into skipping school, they will too and think it is normal. Just don't give up. There is no magic pill...here is when patience kicks in. Fight to love and guide with all your might. They do hear you. In the end you are their example.
Good luck,
C.

Bryan and E.,

I understand your pain. My son is 11 and I can tell that if I don't try to get help, he will not be much different from your son. Have you tried counseling for him? Dr. April Harris-Britt is a good counselor and has done an excellent job with my son. You have to remember that's not too late to make a difference for you, your husband and especially your son.
Dr. Britt's number is ###-###-####. Please give her call, make sure that she takes your insurance and make an appointment.
Best Wishes,
E. Meadows

Sounds like a very hard place to be in right now. I have two boys, 20 and 29. The 29 yr old is recently married and the 20 year old stays at home for now. While a lot of what your son is doing is probably "teenage" stuff, could there be some peer pressure that is too heavy for him to escape? Do you know who his friends are or who he hangs out with? When did he start "getting out of control", recently or for while. I know this is not something any parent wants to hear, but could drugs or alcohol be involved. Again the peer pressure our kids experience is nothing like what we experienced in school. Usually if there is an outside substance there is an extreme mood change in the child. Will he sit down with you and talk rationally? Have you set up consequences to rule broken and are there definite rules in place for the family?

I now I have asked lots of questions, but I just felt like I needed to respond to you and your hubby. Men are black and white, just the facts mam and us Moms sometimes make decisions with our hearts. Perhaps the two of you could find a balance. Hope this helps. Toss out what you don't agree with and hopefully keep what you do.

D.

It sounds like your son may need individual counseling. It would also be a good idea to get into family counseling as well. If you go to church you can use your pastor or You can call your family physician or local mental health center for listings of counselors.
If you son is sexually active it is important to have him tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases, even if he “says” he uses condoms (they do come off). There are also some health departments that either have or can direct you to a program that shows teens pictures or slideshows of individuals with STDs. The pictures are graphic, however, they show what can happen.
In many communities the National Guard sponsors the ChallNGe program that helps troubled youths graduate from high school. It is a very disciplined course, but supplies outside guidance for young people.
AmeriCorps has mentors that will work with teens from 13-18 years old. Check with your local Department of Health and Human Services to locate the nearest one. Mentors work to help youth get involved in community service and help with school work or are sometimes just someone who listens.
Good luck and God Bless

God bless and keep you and your family!
I would print out Rebecca and Ronita's letters, especially, and hang them in your bedroom in a nice frame and read them over and over and over. When my son was that age, what he did was try to bluff us. Say that he was going to bowling and go to a big party, etc. I prayed a lot over that boy. Now he is a dad, and one of the most wonderful people I know. Next was my daughter who always acted so much older than she was. Then she hit the higher teens and started being sneaky, etc., and got into a lot of things that broke our hearts. We still pray for her daily and I am still waiting for her to come back to the fold. My third, another daughter, was argumentitive towards me from the time she was tiny, and I thought she'd end up a very troubled woman. She made me want to run away. My prayer with her was, "Help me, I can't stand it!" Surprise, she has three beautiful children and is my best friend!
All that to say, first, pray, pray and then pray again. Then talk to them, spend lots of time with them, forge a good relationship. And yes, it may take professional help; there is no shame in that. It's more of a shame to need it and not get it. Also, there is a program you can buy called "The Total Transformation." They have a web site. Maybe they could help, too.
God bless all of you.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have a son that will be 16 in April.....I sware he has lost his mind. Doesnt care that he is failing every on of his classes. And dont get me started on the attitude he has. When I ground him...he tells me he wont do his school work then. I was thinking it was only my son with this problem. All I can say is pray...and I am starting to find that Coors Light is helping me.....haha

Oh this sounds so familiar. We pray a lot and continue drilling our son of the right choices to make. I don't think there is any quick fix, oh I wish it was that easy. We do take away priviledges - which sometimes seems like he just adapts and you wonder if it helps?? Have you thought of military school?

If it really is bad and he is getting into trouble all round, you could look into youth camps. Eckerd is a good camp and is funded by the state. you can look them up on line. Also, babysitting (you may need to go with). Hook him up with a friends child and let him see what could happen. Tours of jails and detention centers can work sometimes. Talk to his counselor at school, too. They may have a group he could particpate in.

You have to have rules. It is a very hard and trying time at this age. You have to pray alot. Is he involved in church? He has to know that if he does no follow the rules that he will be responsible for the results. At 16 alot of times they think they know everything. I wish I could give you a magic pill but there is none. Each child is different. You have to set ground rules and not bend on them. Sometimes you have to have tough love.

I think maybe you should spend some time with him like go catch a movie or go on a trip with him and just talk about God and just have fun

Is there open communication, or just yelling at him telling him what he is going to do? Do you listen to him on why he is doing this? You and your husband need to NOT LOSE YOUR COOL, even if you are so mad. HUG HIM!! Just KEEP hugging him. Don't give up on him now or you could lose him! Get some counseling, get him ivolved in things, keep letting him know that you are there for him and you love him!

I know how difficult and emotional this situation can be. We just went through a difficult time with my daughter who is 15. For us, it was important to seek counseling. I would suggest that especially if tempers are flairing. Sometimes kids act out because they are screaming for attention or bourdaries. You might find it even more trying to place those boundaries without the help of a trained counselor even though that's really what he wants (but of course won't admit it).
It took some time, but we now have a respectful situation again, and my daughter doesn't have to guess what is expected of her.

Hi,
I was a high school teacher, so I have quite a bit of experience in dealing with young adults. If he won't listen to you, then I would suggest mentoring. It doesn't have to be a mentoring program, but can be an uncle/aunt, teacher, family friend, preacher, etc. - anyone that your son listens to and respects. This person could be a huge positive influence on your son's life, just by listening and offering "good" advice in a way that your son does not feel judged. I learned very quickly that teenagers who do not trust you will not listen to or respect you. Ask yourself this- Do you think that your son trusts you and your husband? If not, why?
And above all, talk to him about safe sex. I saw quite a few of my students get pregnant or contract STDs. You cannot control what he does with his body at this point, but you can help him make responsible choices.