I don't know that is necessarily a question or just me feeling bad and needing to express it. If you live in the KC area you've probably heard about a baby who passed away in a car late last week...horrible ACCIDENT. After spending much of the weekend praying for this family and not knowing who they were, we learned at church this am that they were some old friends of ours...my dh and the dad were college roomies for three years and each groomsmen in the other's wedding and we were married two weeks apart. We used to do so much together and then of course life happens. We had a baby, two months later they did. Fast forward to about four years later, we had baby #2 and then a couple months later they had baby #2. We've seen them and spoken on occasion, but have not really remained close...no one's fault, just work, family, life. Anyway, we feel absolutely HORRIBLE for them! My dh had to stop by their house on our way home from church...we just stopped long enough to give a hug and we'll go to the service. As I'm sitting here with my kids getting ready to start the week I can't help but feel guilty about what they're going through and how much their life has changed. I'm folding clothes...what does she do with his dirty laundry? Does she still wash it and put it away? Maybe I sound ridiculous. My need is to swoop in and help, but it's not about me. I don't know what to doith these emotions, I'm so sad for them.
I think about that stuff too, what do they do with all the toys to... How can they move on and not be red eyed all day.
Thank you for mourning instead of blaming.
This sort of thing can happen to anyone, which makes most people want to assign blame (the more common a thing is, the more we blame the person it happened to). If we can make it someone's "fault" then we can avoid their terrible fate by not doing it ourselves. But, in all reality, most of us have had thousands of close calls. Thousands of times when that could be our child dead instead of someone else's.
My son lived (touch wood). Most of the friends I made last year weren't so lucky. And most of those friends? Are soooooo happy for me. Jealous sometimes, but happy. And all of them are ticked about being abandoned by close friends, and strangers crying more than they are, and, and, and. Meaning nothing is ever simple when your child dies.
And... this may sound terrible... but the one thing nearly all of them struggled with?
How freakin' expensive headstones are. Everything else was manageable, but headstones were thousands of dollars (cheapest here = about 6k). Some went with cremation, which is less expensive, but it's still thousands.
Your friend may have had life insurance on her baby that would cover the 10-20k in funeral costs. She may not. She may be wealthy and not need it.
If not... setting up a headstone fund or memorial fund (for cremation & urn) is something few people think of... and nearly everyone who buries their child needs. You know your friend's general finances. If this is something you could do... you sound close enough to her, but far enough removed from the tragedy to be able to pull it off.
Hi luv-
I am so sorry for what your friends are going thru...
I just sent a PM to a responder that seemed to think you could find solace in a 'god' that had this happen to somehow 'prevent' something worse...
geesh...
No 'god' I respect would 'do' this.
In any case...I hope you (and your friends) come through this....so hard...
I suggest waiting til all of the initial grief has passed...and many 'supports' are gone...and offer your sincere love then...through a meal (s)...or whatever way you feel the family can heal...
SO sad...
michele/cat
Well maybe you are just worried that it could have been your baby.
Maybe in deep way you feel guilty because maybe you said at one time thank God it was not ours . Even you compared your lives with each other as in similarities. We all have path and sometimes our path is much harder than someone else who might have same life as we do , We can not question what God has in store for us, All we can do is help those who have been hit with a tragedy like this , be there if they need someone to talk to so on.. No matter what you do it will never bring their child back, and no reason for you to carry guilt for something that is not in your control or theirs. We do not know what might have been in future for that child , maybe God took the child before so it can save it from something far worse. Maybe also God test The parents faith as well . We just don't know and you can not feel guilty about something , but it is normal I think for us to play things in our minds as if it was to happen to us, and wonder things like you do if she still washes the clothes. I think it is a way to cope honestly. By all means I feel for any parent who has lost their child and pray for them all . It is the worst thing i think to happen in ones life.
You are mourning, and you have every right to. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel. Be there for them however you can, make food, babysit, whatever you think will help. Be gentle with yourself and let yourself grieve.
What you're describing sounds a lot like "survivor's guilt" and it's normal.
Maybe they best way to help yourself work through this is to do something for this family.
Cook, bake or send them a card and a check?
Just let them know you're sorry for their loss.
It doesn't have to be "perfect" or a "big" gesture....just a gesture.
What a sad story. :(
How incredibly tragic! My sister gave birth to a full term stillborn baby girl almost four years ago. I was pregnant at the time, so I can definitely relate to the survivor guilt.
I stayed with my sister and her husband for a few days after she gave birth. Having to look at that empty bassinet, the neatly folded baby clothes, and the new glider/ottoman was so heartbreaking. I nearly lost it when I saw my brother-in-law take the infant car seat down the basement.
That horrible loss has definitely given me a much better appreciation for life, love, and the human spirit. I have a lot more patience for my own children because I think of my niece often and the life that she will never have. I don't know how my sister managed to get out of bed everyday after losing her daughter, but she did. One thing that helped her was all of the well wishes from her friends and co-workers. She really did want to talk about her daughter and show pictures of her to anyone who wasn't afraid to look.
If your friend has a family member or close friend who is coordinating meals or other help, you can sign up for a turn. Or if no one is doing that, maybe you can offer to do that. I'm so sorry for your friends' loss. It is your loss too. Don't be afraid to grieve, but also stay strong for your friends.
I did at one time. I worked for hospice and it was an intense three years. I counseled the dying and their families pre and post death. I also worked with families sent by the medical examiner to be there for them when the death was a shock. It was such a challenge to figure out how I 'should' feel in some cases. I will say, life was sweeter, dearer when I worked there. That may sound odd, but the contrast or no contrast at all was poignant. Now I don't feel guilt at all because it taught me to live.
I did not hear about his story, but I just looked it up. So incredibly sad. I am originally from Florida and this would happen all too often because our weather is warm year round. I agree with the other moms who said you can bring them dinner, pick up groceries, etc. I totally understand how you feel....
NO, because there is NO such thing as normal any longer.
Process your feeling on your own but since you were friends that drifted apart it is good to help put too. Bring them a meal, offer to pick up groceries and bring them over or whatever. I think it is normal to have those thought when someone you know has a major loss or event.
I think what you are feeling is normal. We could analyze to death the specifics of why you and people in similar situations have these feelings but I don't know if it is helful at this point. Know that you will have them (feelings) and they are obviously strong and will make you feel uncomfortable at times.
Kudos to you for not letting these feelings keep you from reaching out to this family. For many people, the feelings such as you are having are so overwhelming they avoid being around the people. It's a reminder that something horrible could happen to them. Also, it's hard to know what to say. That is okay, be there for your friends as they need you. You don't have to be perfect, just be there. She (They) just might need help doing things such as laundry, meals, keeping the house going. If your church or someone hasn't organized meals, yardwork, things like that, maybe you and your husband could.
