Anyone Else Have a Bossy 4 Year Old?

Some of this is just a phase. The "I can do it myself" is just a phase. But the disrespectful talk and language is not. This is him trying to see how far you will let him go. You have to put a stop to this immediately! This will get worse if you do not. He can be independent and stubborn, but he can not be disrespectful, ever!
You have to show him who is in charge and it is not him. Set some boundaries and stick to them. If he wants to brush his teeth, you be the one to put on the toothpaste and (using a timer) give him 3 or 4 minutes to brush his teeth. If he does not get it done then you will come and do it for him. You have to nip this in the bud right now or it will get out of control.

1/2 phase 1/2 habit.

The "Do it mySELF" part is a phase. The words he's choosing are pushing boundaries/habit.

I'd recommend a flanking option. AKA make him think/feel all independant, when he's actually learning to use his manners.

1) Give him some freedom where appropriate / WITH boundaries. For example some options are:

- Giving him HIS shelf on the fridge. Keep his sippy/juice or milk boxes, and approved "anytime" snacks. Grapes, goldfish, yogurt, leftovers from lunch/bfast, whatever. We used a shelf on the door, because it's at eye level and it's SMALL.
- Clothes choices
- Timers (aka, I'm going to set the timer for 5 minutes. After that I'm going to help you. If you can get it done before that though, you can do it yourself.)
- Etc.

2) Word Choices

- ASKING first. Get that habit ground in. Even for HIS shelf (if you do that), he may only have or do something IF he asks and asks NICELY. "Put it back, you forgot to ask" will probably be a phrase that falls out of your mouth a lot the next month. Then when he asks, the answer is yes. As many times as you possibly can. Get that whole positive reinforcement going. "Of course you can sweetheart, since you asked so nicely". The other phrase is correcting tone "Try again, nicely this time".

- Being rude is hitting without using your hands. Repeat THAT phrase about a gazillion times, and use the same punishment you use for hitting.

- "Only if you will __________." aka let me help you, don't drag it, ask nicely, can do it by the time the timer goes off... add in those qualifiers!!!

Anyhow... just some ideas from what we've done in our house.

I have a 6 year old who started being the alpha male at about 4. I think he has given up for the most part on trying to annoy me because it does not work. He knows he can push his big brother around and he will be able to start a fight with this behavior. This kind of behavior is good to a certain point. They have to learn to control this kind of attitude because it will get them far in life!! The CEO of a large company got to where he is by exhibiting traits like this. My oldest child, a 19 year old girl, has this kind of attitude and is definitely a leader. She learned at a very early age how to control herself. I do have an older son who can just sit in front of the tv all day and I wish he had some of this drive. I don't let my son get the best of me. When we are in the store and he demands a toy I just remind him who the parent is and I am not going to buy the toy and if he does not like my decision then he can go sit in the car. If he just drags his feet when he is brushing his teeth then i tell him that I am tired and going to bed and he can tuck himself in if he can't hurry. If I tell him to get dressed and he drags his feet and I get ready and leave him. I have dealt with A LOT of bullies in my life and a 6 year old is not going to rattle my cage.

It is NOT a phase and you are kidding yourself if you think it might be. I have wonderful relationships with our children and folks have always commented on the way they behave. Our home is calm and it's all because when they were little there was no question as to who the BOSS was. You should have picked him up or put him in a buggy in the toy store and walked out and went straight home. I'm guessing he probably got the toy he was wanting? I hope not though. You say you should give him "space." Are you kidding? He's four, what he needs is to be disciplined in a manner that he understands and you are direct with. He should be told something once and on the 2nd time, there is some form of discipline that follows. This behavior will worsen and spill over in to his school also. You will benefit greatly if you take care of this problem NOW and don't let it worsen. Being stubborn has nothing to do with it - that may actually give them the willpower to accomplish more in the future. It's about them knowing you are the adult/boss and YOU are the one in control, not them. We have a house full of independent, head strong (stubborn) folks and discipline is not an issue - if they learn RESPECT at an early age. Please don't think I'm not a gentle, loving mom .. me and our kids spend most days together hanging out and having fun and it's all very loving and comfortable because they know they can't pitch fits and when they are around misbehaved kids, they too are shocked at the bad behavior and don't like it.

I like what all the other responders said about zero tolerance for the back-talking/disrespectful attitude because that is NEVER ok. The only other thing I'll add is that when my kid gets very bossy and controlling, I threaten to take her independence away on the specific thing we are having an issue with. Like with the teeth-brushing thing your son did (his taking 20 minutes just to prove he is in charge), one time my kid deliberately poured a ridiculously full glass of orange juice we all knew she wouldn't finish right after we reminded her not over pour her milk in her cereal because it wasted food. She lost her right to serve herself food for a couple days (she was 9, and had been serving herself food for two years, so it was a major demotion back to "little kid" position by having to ask, and wait, for us to do everything for her). When your son insists on brushing his teeth, stop and explain to him he can brush his own teeth as long as he (a) brushes them all well enough to get them clean, and (b) completes it within 4 minutes. Tell him in no uncertain terms that if he is having trouble with either of those things, then you will step in and finish it. That way, if he gets it done right, he gets what he wants (doing it himself) and you get what you want. Giving him independence to do things himself does not mean you have to accept everything about the way he does it! Lay down the rules for an activity you allow him to do himself, and if he fails to follow them, then he understands he loses the privelage of his independence.

Wow, did he really say it that way about giving him the dollars and going away? I mean that's way out there for a 4 year old. It's almost funny, but I know it's not when you are in the situation. He is either seeing some of these things said on some television with smart mouthed teens, or he's seeing smart mouthed teens in real life, or he has a way active imagination.

It's very normal at this stage to try and get away with this. This will pass.

My son's 3 1/2, and he gets pretty bossy sometimes. He tells me pretty often that I'm getting on his "nerbes." haha I think it's just part of them growing up and realizing they have some control, but you also have to remind them that you're the boss no matter what. When my son gets too bossy, I take something away or make him go to his room and sit on his bed. He comes back much better behaved (most of the time, unless he's just super tired and whiney...). But yeah, he's four and you're a grown-up, so you're the boss! :D

Ha ha, this sounds just like my soon to be 4yo. He wants to have total controll over EVERYTHING! He's become demanding, bossy and controlling. His new nickname has become Obama, since he wants control of everything, :) ! I hope this is just a phase and doesn't last too much longer! I do have to admit though, it is pretty cute seeing him become independent and sometimes I can't help but laugh at the grown up things he says. Good luck with your little "control Freak"! :)

It seems like you may be standing back and watching this develop. Are you disciplining him each and every time he disrespects you so he learns it's A) not allowed and B) not nice? This will get much worse before it "passes" (and he won't grow respect on his own, you'll just see it morph into other forms of defiance as he gets older). You can let it play out on it's own (eek) or you can stop it.
Independence and misbehavior are two totally different things.
Of course you should give him his space while he's being nice. Discipline is another matter. Our kids get freedom, praise, and fun most of the time, and then super firm swift discipline consistently after one calm warning on the rare times they are rude or disrespectful. If you make it very clear and black and white, he'll understand.
Check out www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

Be well assured your son is completely Normal. I have a 4 year old daughter that acts the same way. Just yesterday at a restaurant we spent 20 minutes in the bathroom waiting for her to pee and it wasn't because she didn't have to go she just needed to play a little in the stall first and of course locked me out. She also helps herself to the fridge, insists on brushing her teeth(which I don't mind) and on Not letting me brush her hair. She likes to tell me, "Your being annoying Mom"..."I'm not the one misbehaving you are" among other totally to old to be using statements. I find the more often I get her out of the house and doing activities she likes the less behavioral issues she has time for. At this age if you give them time to think they'll go for I think I'll drive my mom nuts game. Good luck to both of us :)