Anyone Else with an ADD Husband?

No, but I am the ADD spouse and a type A person (as is my husband). I am not on any medication but have read enough about my condition. Because of my awareness, I consciously try to compensate for it but it doesn't always work. My husband and I have been married for almost 15 years. It seems that the most important element of coping with such an arrangement is a mutual understanding of my challenges and doing the best we can to work around them. A lot of patience from both parties and a willingness to accept each other as we are is also helpful. Not sweating the small stuff can also go a long way. Good luck and you are welcome to contact my husband or myself if you have more questions.

Please don't threaten to divorce your husband. Being a single mother or two is far more difficult than it may seem. I have single mother friends who are really lonely and struggling financially to make ends meet. They're also exhausted and the split custody issues are difficult and messy (meaning some Christmas's, Halloween or Thanksgivings..you'll spend without the kids because it will be HIS turn). Your hormones are all over the place right now, you're probably not feeling too attractive and stressing a bit about the demands another baby will have on your life. Hang in there, make sure you are getting exercise and some time to yourself (lean on friends a bit for help). Use the advice of these great moms!

I have a few thoughts for you, but I don't know how much help they'll be. My husband is ADD and dyslexic, and uses RItalin, a pretty high dose as I understand it. My guy is much less volatile when on the medicine. I notice a big difference when he runs out. I think it took him a while to get the right dosage, etc. Getting it right makes a big difference.

We;ve been married for 12 years and were together for about 11 years before that. One thing that I've learned/realized over the many years is simple - you can't change people. So for instance, if the guy is messy/disorganized, etc, then that's not going to change altogether. You (pl) can do things to lessen the impact, but he's not going to turn into a neat freak. And he shouldn't have to be.

The other realization that goes hand in hand with the you-cant change-people thing is this: you love him because of certain characteristics that he has. Those traits are wound up in the ADD/brain chemistry setup. For instance, my husband is really creative and is willing to try things. This means that many fascinating projects are started (lots of fun for the kids! and important for them to see that things are possible) but it also means that we've got tools out, hot glue guns a-blazing, paint buckets tipped over, white boards bolted forever to the garage door, a garage that should be condemned, chicken carcasses half buried in the back yard (as either dino bones or as part of a trap for raccons), and the list goes on.

We have an agreement that whoever wants something done to a higher level of specificity has to get it there them self. For instance if I want the house neater than he does, then I am responsible for doing the 'extra' work. THis may seem unfair, but you can also have an agreement about the minimum level. That seems fair.

Also, it's important to laugh about it a little. If he really is a good guy and father and he's trying to support his family, then you have to stick with it. After all, YOU chose him! And it was probably for a good reason. ALso, it sounds like you two are young. As you get older, you get more accustomed to each other and more flexible. Give yourselves the time to get there. If you throw in the towel then you'll never get there.

Also, don't underestimate the pregnancy hormones. They're the real enemy. (Only half joking.) IF you ever want to talk then send me a message/email whatever.

M.

I strongly suggest you read the book Driven to Distraction by Dr. Edward Hallowell. ( he's a PhD/MD who also has ADD
I have ADD and I know there are times when it's very hard on my spouse, but with work and patience we have a great marriage. Good luck on yours:)

Yup, and I am somewhat of a type a, so it's been contentious. I am just beginning to realize how much add might be a part of the problem, so don't have much wisdom to give. But I have just recently heard from a friend of a Daniel Amen who is a psychiatrist in Sacramento who does brain scans and has named six different kinds of add and ways to treat them, not all drug related,some with simple things like amino acids. His treatment costs $3000.00 and so we probably won't be able to afford them(I bring in lots of money but not enough to cover my add career-impeded husband.)He has written a book and also has a website in which you can answer questions and maybe isolate the kind of add yourself. Another friend of mine has recommended a book called "Is it you, me or ADD?". Have not yet had a chance to go there either. I think my big question as a spouse of someone thus inflicted is how to balance realistic expectations with personal accountability? If I can't expect more of my husband then who is responsible for all the fallout? I have been and i no longer want to be. If you would like to continue this conversation feel free to keep my email address:____@____.com and let's keep talking as we discover how to handle it all. I would appreciate it if you forwarded me replies you get from other women because I can't seem to read responses after the fact. in mamasource. Thank you and good luck.
P..

My husband is married to an ADD wife (me), and yes, we have had problems arising from the ADD. Mostly, due to housekeeping issues. He is Type A, (and perhaps, borderline OCD), as he wants the house to be clutter-free. This, you can imagine, can be a nightmare for both of us, as it is SO damn hard to get started, and once I DO get started, it is easy for me to get distracted, and cleaning/organizing rarely gets finished. I, too, am a grad student, on top of being a mom to a 5-year-old and a 17-year-old step-daughter -- so imagine trying to juggle all that with ADD.

I must also add that my ADD was only recently diagnosed, as I have always struggled with getting through school, and almost had to drop out until I went to the school's Student Learning Disabilities Center after reading a pamphlet about symptoms in a class. Shortly after, I was directed to see a therapist -- I chose a Cognitive Behaviorial Therapy one -- and she discovered, through many tests and sessions, that I have ADD, coupled with mild Bipolar Disorder (often confused with ADD; but lucky me: I have both), and Social Anxiety.

After getting over the shock of having all these "disorders" and the feeling that I was a lunatic, I made a conscious effort to learn to live with what I have. I got on meds, and through therapy and homework, I learned to live with the ADD, and everything else.

I learned to use a kitchen timer to "get started" -- on cleaning, organizing, school work -- and did them in chunks at a time, "pairing" these dreaded "to-do" items with rewards (e.g., checking email, TV, a walk). I would set a timer once I parked at a cafe to write (I'm working on a novel), so that I wouldn't get yet another parking ticket. My husband and I set up a system so bills would get paid. I have to say, he has been extremely understanding since my diagnoses, and after 15 years of marriage (and countless fights and threats of divorce from both sides), we are doing much, much better.

Sorry for the rambling response, and I wish you the best in your marriage. Living with ADD can be extremely taxing, not only for the people that surround you, but also for the person coping with it.

Wow J.! You have received some really good advice here, and I don't want to repeat too much, so I will try to give you some new input. I have been with my ADD type A husband for 10 years and we have known about the ADD for about 5 of those. In that time we have lived in 3 rentals and owned 4 houses, and he is on his 6th job(his choice).

My sister read "Driven to Distraction" and felt like it was not only describing herself, but my husband as well. She was able to convince him to read it and as he did he said that for the first time it felt like someone else understood him and he wasn't alone. He felt like he was reading his own biography. When he realized how much this must effect me he had a big attitude change. Finally, he wanted to work on himself - it wasn't always my fault anymore!

He is incredibly smart with an almost photographic memory. The medications he tried (and he tried them all) made him feel sluggy, dumb, and unable to focus, so he quit taking them and said there has to be another way.

I have found that one way involves me doing a better job regulating instead of letting him do what I think will make him happier. I have to put my foot down on simple things - one at a time - like "this is our home and we are not leaving it - I like it here!" and "you may not take on any new projects until you finish remodeling the kitchen". What I am finding is that he ends up happier, more in tune, and more satisfied when he actually follows through on something old instead of always starting something new.

He has also agreed to try to be more attentive and I am allowed to remind him when he is "doing it again" as in blocking out the rest of the world because he is totally immersed in something. This alone has completely changed our relationship because he now realizes that I am not nagging, but I actually have a right to his attention when I need it.

I guess my point is that if you educate yourselves together about ADD and acknowledge the specific issues that you are having, then you can come up with an acceptable plan for how you will each deal with the issue when it arises.

Good luck! Don't give up while you have pregnancy hormones in you - create a plan together!

I notice that you were in the position of seeking a divorce a year ago, and that your marriage has been spiraling downwards since your first pregnancy, and I wonder if your hormones coupled with your type A need for control might be partly to blame for your hopeless feelings? I would certainly advise soul-searching with the help of a counselor or trusted friend for your sake to figure out what you really want from/with your husband and family relationships. And then to figure out if it is possible and/or if there are compromises you can live with. It is easy for me to twist my own unhappiness into something that my husband is doing wrong, but sometimes when I really think about it I can see that I have expectations that are either to controlling or too unreasonable, or even that I expect without ever talking to him about it.

It is VERY hard to parent a little one: so much energy required for the simplest tasks. Maybe your husband's ADD and your own exhaustion from trying to do it all is just too volitile a combination for your relationship right now.

I guess I don't have advice for you so much as to echo what some of the others have said: your husband needs to want to make the changes (regarding the drinking and sports) and pregnancy is not the time to make any huge life-changing decisions. I wish for you the best of health and sanity as you begin 2010, and the strength you need to nurture your little ones as you contemplate the bigger picture.

Yes. I read a wonderful book, which I just looked for and cannot find around my house that helped me a lot. It talks about the six different types of ADD. It helped me a lot with what kind he was and how he reacted to different situations. Also maybe Ritalin is not the right medication for your husband. It also runs in families. Come to find out both of my kids have it, but all have different kinds. My husband will not go on medication, you can imagine how challenging our life can be sometimes. Good luck. Hang in there!!

I'm wondering if his Ritalin dosage is right or whether that might not be the best medication for him. Our son has ADHD and when he's on Concerta (long acting Ritalin), he's like anyone else. It really minimizes all of the drama associated with ADHD while it's in his system. It can take a lot of trial and error to get ADHD medication right, so perhaps it's worth a revisit with his doctor if you're feeling this wiped out dealing with the ADHD. When medication is working right, life should be greatly improved.

Also, consider a subscription to ADDitude magazine. It's all about living with ADHD and covers both adults and children. I've found it very helpful and it's well written.

Best of luck to you!

My husband was diagnosed with ADD (primarily the innattentive type) in the last year. We've been married 9 years and have 5 children ages 8, 6, 4, 2 and 9 months. He seeemed to cope pretty well until the 4th baby when I really started needing his help more at home and she ended up with chronic health problems. I became more and more frustrated with his forgetfulness and seemingly selfishness (taking care of his needs but completely ignoring mine and the kids. I insisted he get evaluated when he was late from work once again and hadn't called and we had an appointment, his mom was at our house and I asked her if he was so forgetful when he was a child and she made the comment I sometimes wondered if he had ADD but I didn't want to label him. Just knowing was a bit of a releif for us. Also reading the book "Is it You, Is it me or Adult A.D.D.? If specifically addresses adult ADD in relationships, some that truned out succesful and some that ended. It helps me a little to know his behaviors are not malicious but that doesn't make it any easier to feel like I am the single parent to six instead of the parterned parent to 5. There is a developmental pediatrician in Santa Rosa who treats adults with ADD as well also she gave us information about a life coach in San Anselmo who works with adults with ADD. We want to pursue counceling but have a had a hard tiem finding someone who is knowledgable about adult ADD.

hi J.,

i've been married for 5 years to a man with add, and we have an almost 5 year old daughter, and i can completely understand how you may be feeling/what you are experiencing in your relationship with your husband
i wish i had advice for you, but i feel i'm at my wits end as well, i've been trying many different ways of relating/communicating with my husband, but i feel like i just keep running into walls
the problem is not, that i don't understand add, because i was as a child diagnosed with it myself, and thus have read much about it, and i've also been in therapy for about 15 years, and i know that the only way things will get better is if my husband/your husband, are in therapy themselves(it should be some form of cognitive behavioural therapy)
getting off ritalin gradually, while in therapy, may really help as well, ritalin has it's flaws which onl make the behaviours worse at times
people with add are absolutely capable of improving their state of mind and their behaviour, but they have to be willing to put a lot of hard work into it, and to accept the help of an individual as well as a group therapist, the lack of will to work on his own problems, and instead just continuing to blame everything on add and mostly on other people , and mostly his resistance to therapy, are in my conviction the reasons why our relationship is falling apart, because i don't see that he is even trying to work on himself/to improve his attitude and behaviour(he did go to couple's therapy with me a few times, but he didn't work with the therapist or me at all, he believed the therapy was just to please me)
so, if you can convince your husband to get into both individual and group therapy(cbt or dbt), and stick with it for at least 6 months to a year, i'm sure it will be helpful to both of you and your children
good luck
take care isa

Hi J.- I'm not sure about the ADD. What I do know is that it sounds like your husband has always been this way. If he is only behaving the same way he always has ie. before marriage I don't think there is much you can do to change him. What does he say when you talk about divorce? If he is not willing to make changes on his own and has really never been willing than I doubt you'll be successful at this point in getting him to change. I don't think Sunday football and sleeping in are symptoms of ADD but actions from a guy that maybe isn't being super sensitive. That being said you need to be sure his actions meet your definition of reasons to end a marriage. What's good in your relationship? Does he spend time doing family stuff at other times, do you all enjoys yourselves? You have another baby on the way so there must be some good between the two of you :). You need to be really sure your expectations aren't too high. Sometimes I think my husband might have ADD. He has problems following through with stuff and doesn't always do what he says he's going to do. It's frustrating and I do get very angry but on the other hand I am a bit uptight and type A myself. I think those traits are probably hard to live with too. Unless he's totally insensitive, a flake and doesn't support you and add to your life I would be cautious about falling into "the grass is greener". Being a single Mom with two kids will not only be very hard but probably pretty lonely too, at least in the beginning. From your posts it doesn't sound like you take much responsibility for the situation. If that's true and it really is all him and he's impossible then maybe leaving is the right thing to do. Just be really sure that it's as bad as you think. Working, caring for a two year old and being pregnant can make any situation seem difficult and if he is a typical guy he will never really see things the same way you do.

I also recommend the Driven to Distraction book. I looked at some of your other posts and it seems there are other issues to work through.
You say that in your past couples couselling the ADD was not addressed. Did you/he know that he had ADD at the time? Was he on meds then? Perhaps re-visiting the counselling option with ADD on the table could help.
You have said in past posts that your hubby drinks too much. This is classic self medication for ADD adults with symptoms that are not under control with conventional meds. Even when a good medication is eventually found, it is hard for them to give up the booze, having been a crutch for so long. AA would be a good source for that, but he has to be willing.
You have also said that he is pretty selfish. Staying up late then sleeping in and not taking care of your daughter. The staying up late is also classic ADD. It is hard to fall asleep when your brain won't shut down. This should be addressed by his MD. As for the other selfish issues, like football and such. That is a matter of compromise that all relationships face. If the issue really is only during football season, maybe you could give him that. However, if football season is overlapped and followed by basketball, then baseball, he's going to have to give somewhere!
You say that he is a grad student. When is he due to finish? Is he working and studying part-time or a full time student? Is this something you see him dragging out forever as a way to avoid real life?
All of this can be dealt with via a good counsellor. I would not go back to the previous one, but ask for some referrals from you hubby's doc. Since he/she knows that ADD is a factor they can recommend someone with experience in that area. You sound like you really want to make things work. Maybe that is possible and maybe not, but you are on the right track to try everything before throwing in the towel.
Whatever you do, don't make a drastic decisions (like divorce or separation) while you are pregnant. Bless us, but we women don't always think as rationally as we should when we are so hormonal.:o)

Hi J.,
Hopefully you can stick it out and ultimately get what you need from your marriage. You may feel like I did with an ADD husband that everything is on you.....
The constant figuring out what needs to be done, making a plan, trying to illicit his support and then ending up doing most of it!
I can only tell you that I chose to stick it out despite all odds and that 35 years later we have a good life together having raised two great kids and are now grandparents.
The very hardest was in the early years of our marriage when the kids were young and I often felt like I was 'doing it all'. He had great intentions but hopped from job to job, always getting bored quickly or impatient with some problematic work situation that seemed insignificant to me. At first I was willing to put up with a lot to keep the marriage together, but then the financial instability with 2 small children was too much. I dont know now how I did it, but I went back to school to get my teaching credential. Becoming a teacher provided the structure and financial stability I needed. My husband always loved us and added a lot to my life. He has always been the 'idea' person for so many of the good things that we've together made happen in our lives. We have been a good pair because I realized early on that he was different than a lot of people. Here was the main way he was different. He has always had many good intentions and ideas, but can't follow thru with all of them. So I had to learn that I could count on him for some of his promises, but not all and somehow NOT take it personally. If you can live with that, then the rewards of staying together can be great. Being a teacher the last 25 years, I have seen how devasting divorce can be to kids. Only you can decide. Good luck, honey.

Hi J.,

I have ADD and I also have a Type A personality. You can read lots of books about ADD and seek help from various counselors, but I don’t think either will help you or your husband. How do I know this? Because I’ve done both - been there done that and none of it helped!

I found the answer for me was nutritional deficiency (which I addressed through a nutritional cleansing & revitalizing program) and un-balanced brain chemistry ... specifically, a lack of balance between serotonin and dopamine (which I addressed by supplementing with minerals).

Serotonin is necessary for a happy mood, reducing anxiety & irritability (that translates to overwhelm for us women), and helping us to sleep. Dopamine is the pleasure and reward neurotransmitter. It’s responsible for attention and focusing - it motivates you and stimulates you to engage in life.

If your brain doesn’t have enough power, in particular minerals, it can’t function no matter how hard you try. Drugs like Ritalin are artificial and are designed to mimic dopamine ... and taking this drug over time will deplete the body’s ability to make it’s own dopamine naturally. In addition, artificial boosts don’t fix the cause. Where’s the deficiency? I don’t think your husband is Ritalin deficient because there’s no such thing. Find out what his body’s deficient of and have him take that to help balance his body. The body will heal itself if you give it what it needs.

The four top things purchased in supermarkets are all mood-altering drugs: sugar, caffeine, alcohol (which is essentially sugar), and nicotine. This proves your husband is not alone. Occasional, moderate use is harmless, but regular use will damage the brain and cause mood disorders.

Without the proper balance, we can’t be happy, mentally alert, remember things, concentrate or effectively do anything our brain’s designed to do :(

I believe the solution can be found in “The UltraMind Solution” by Dr. Mark Hyman, M.D. - here’s an excerpt from his book:

“All of your hormones and your brain and immune messenger chemicals work together in a symphony. Understand how and why these three systems get out of balance and you will go a long way toward understanding why Americans run around tired, depressed, stressed, forgetful, unfocused, and overweight!”

I wish you much success in your marriage ... follow the recommendations of Dr. Hyman and it won’t be long before you and your husband will be acting like you did when you were first dating 8-)

-G.

I wish you the best of luck. Several years after we were married My husband was diagnosised with ADD Obsessive compulsive disorder and panic and anxiety. I too am type A personality. We tried therapy and I did my reasearch. I didn't want to give up because we have 2 small children and the last thing I wanted to fail at was marriage. After 4yrs of struggling I finally threw in the towel. I can say that my children and I are much happier. As for my exhusband we continue to work on our relationship for the sake of our kids. Only you can make the right decision for you and your children. Regardless of what others say they are not living in your situation.
I truly wish you the best of luck

Hi J.

Sounds like you are in a frustrating situation that hasn't changed in a long time (based on your other posts) I wonder if maybe instead of or in conjunction with couple's counseling, have you sought out counseling just for you? A place where you can talk to someone who is not biased and can help give some proper guidance in a supportive manner. I ask this because it doesn't like your husband is going to change , at least not right now, so perhaps you can be the one to do the changing, but this would mean you begin to focus on you and you alone and well, it may also mean making some major changes in your life, with or without him. Sounds like you have tried to understand him better and his quirks, but he hasn't tried to do the same for you. At some point, it might mean asking yourself, why are you sticking it out and for so long (apart from your child)and now with another one on the way. There are definitely tough questions to be asked and answered.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

(sorry in advance that this is really long!)

Hi J.,

YES! My husband has ADD and we have really been struggling with it. I am constantly feeling like I am responsible for everything since he often drops the ball or just doesn't notice that things have to be attended to, and I always feel overwhelmed because of it. But he is a wonderful, sweet, devoted husband and father and I love him very much. If you can still get in touch with the feelings you had that made you fall in love with him and decide to marry him, then I would suggest that you try your very best to find ways to learn to live with each other happily.

Not only am I really frustrated and having a hard time feeling the love for my husband sometimes, and he is sick of me criticizing him for things, but recently it has come to my attention that something has to change because our daughter has started saying, "Daddy, not supposed to do that! Daddy wrong!". OMG, she is only 2. She is obviously hearing me criticize him all the time.

I really appreciate your post and I am going to keep checking back to see what others have written. I found Marlene K's comments really helpful. The problems we have didn't really start until I was pregnant and then when my daughter was born (we had been together for 3-4 years at that point). I think a big part of that is because of the huge changes and demands raising a small child requires of all couples. Also, I've noticed that I treat my husband as an extension of myself sometimes, so when I am frustrated that things aren't in order in our lives I blame him for that, whether they are his fault or not! Obviously, that's not helpful.

On the other hand, Paula C's comments are also really helpful about "...how to balance realistic expectations with personal accountability? If I can't expect more of my husband then who is responsible for all the fallout?" It is really hard not to get upset at my husband when I am picking up the slack for the things he isn't taking care of. But when I ask him why he has forgotten something or not taken care of something right in front of him, he says he simply just didn't notice and that he's sorry. So what can you do? (I remember once I got mad at him for not changing the lightbulb in his bathroom after I felt I had to do it. He said he really didn't notice. He just used the bathroom in the dark.)

I have been seeing a therapist for a year now and her advice is to just accept him and in general to accept things as they are and not think that things "should" be a different way (this includes accepting one's own faults). Kind of hard to do when you are picking up after your husband for the 100th time... but something to keep in mind. I think we can find ways to be happy together, but not if we are banging our heads against a wall that isn't going to budge.

Another thing I don't know if you have noticed is that I hate when my husband has taken medication for ADD. I think it was Adderall he was taking for a short time. But it made him a zombie! He was on top of things, but was not himself at all. I noticed immediately when he stopped taking it and weeped with joy to have my husband back. We are living in Rome where Adderall and like medications are illegal, so he doesn't take them at all anymore.

Oh, one more thing that came up when I had my husband read your post and others' replies last night, when we started talking about this all over again he got defensive. He then explained that I've been dealing with him and his ADD for only 6 years. He has been dealing with it all his life (43 years). He has been criticized for his ADD behavior for a long time so it's hard not to feel awful about it when your wife is making you feel bad about it all over again. Just something to think about. :)

Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going for you and your husband. I think it might be helpful to hear what others are dealing with! I'm sorry I don't have any concrete advice, but just remember that none of us are perfect. Like I said, if you can remember how you felt when you fell in love and decided to get married, then try to get back to that place.

Take care,

H.