(sorry in advance that this is really long!)
Hi J.,
YES! My husband has ADD and we have really been struggling with it. I am constantly feeling like I am responsible for everything since he often drops the ball or just doesn't notice that things have to be attended to, and I always feel overwhelmed because of it. But he is a wonderful, sweet, devoted husband and father and I love him very much. If you can still get in touch with the feelings you had that made you fall in love with him and decide to marry him, then I would suggest that you try your very best to find ways to learn to live with each other happily.
Not only am I really frustrated and having a hard time feeling the love for my husband sometimes, and he is sick of me criticizing him for things, but recently it has come to my attention that something has to change because our daughter has started saying, "Daddy, not supposed to do that! Daddy wrong!". OMG, she is only 2. She is obviously hearing me criticize him all the time.
I really appreciate your post and I am going to keep checking back to see what others have written. I found Marlene K's comments really helpful. The problems we have didn't really start until I was pregnant and then when my daughter was born (we had been together for 3-4 years at that point). I think a big part of that is because of the huge changes and demands raising a small child requires of all couples. Also, I've noticed that I treat my husband as an extension of myself sometimes, so when I am frustrated that things aren't in order in our lives I blame him for that, whether they are his fault or not! Obviously, that's not helpful.
On the other hand, Paula C's comments are also really helpful about "...how to balance realistic expectations with personal accountability? If I can't expect more of my husband then who is responsible for all the fallout?" It is really hard not to get upset at my husband when I am picking up the slack for the things he isn't taking care of. But when I ask him why he has forgotten something or not taken care of something right in front of him, he says he simply just didn't notice and that he's sorry. So what can you do? (I remember once I got mad at him for not changing the lightbulb in his bathroom after I felt I had to do it. He said he really didn't notice. He just used the bathroom in the dark.)
I have been seeing a therapist for a year now and her advice is to just accept him and in general to accept things as they are and not think that things "should" be a different way (this includes accepting one's own faults). Kind of hard to do when you are picking up after your husband for the 100th time... but something to keep in mind. I think we can find ways to be happy together, but not if we are banging our heads against a wall that isn't going to budge.
Another thing I don't know if you have noticed is that I hate when my husband has taken medication for ADD. I think it was Adderall he was taking for a short time. But it made him a zombie! He was on top of things, but was not himself at all. I noticed immediately when he stopped taking it and weeped with joy to have my husband back. We are living in Rome where Adderall and like medications are illegal, so he doesn't take them at all anymore.
Oh, one more thing that came up when I had my husband read your post and others' replies last night, when we started talking about this all over again he got defensive. He then explained that I've been dealing with him and his ADD for only 6 years. He has been dealing with it all his life (43 years). He has been criticized for his ADD behavior for a long time so it's hard not to feel awful about it when your wife is making you feel bad about it all over again. Just something to think about. :)
Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going for you and your husband. I think it might be helpful to hear what others are dealing with! I'm sorry I don't have any concrete advice, but just remember that none of us are perfect. Like I said, if you can remember how you felt when you fell in love and decided to get married, then try to get back to that place.
Take care,
H.