Anyone Not Have a Relationship with a Sibling?

The last time I saw my brother was 14 years ago, when my mother passed away. I haven't heard from my brother in over 10 years. I don't ever care to hear from him again. We are very different. He has his life, I have mine. I hope all is going well for him. As for my nephews, I don't even think of them as family. I've never known them (met them twice). Unfortunately, that's just the way it works out sometimes.

I'm thankful for my hubby and 2 daughters, and my in-laws. As well as my close friends who are like family.

My brother and I were never close. He always had a "holier-than-thou" attitude and I was less than holy, lol. We tried a few times over the years but we just have nothing in common. He's made some life choices lately that I strongly disagree with, and we now have no contact. I'm actually visiting my Mom next week with my kids and my brother will be there with his family, so I'm a little anxious about how it will go. I'm glad he has a relationship with my Mom, but worry sometimes that he's taking advantage of her. I'm ok with the fact that I don't have a relationship with him, they live 4 states away so I wouldn't see him much anyway and really some of his ideas are a little out there and I wouldn't want him around my kids even if we could find a way to maintain a relationship. I do regret that I don't know my nieces better, but we try to keep in touch with them via letters.

I focus on my kids. I know I can't force my sister to have much of a relationship with me, so I accept it for what it is. Raising my own children is my priority, and they're my family, so I try not to let my sister's distance bother me.
It can be hurtful, because my kids need extended family and she rarely includes us in anything. I think it's because we have a rather controlling mom and she hasn't dealt with that.

Thank you so much for posting this. I think there is no good answer or fix, this is one of those things where it's comforting to know you're not alone. Although no big falling out, I've had to accept that the relationship I have with my sibs is not what I wanted it to be. Worse, I feel like the odd one out- my twin sisters live on the east coast and have each other, my brother lives here but has chosen to be closer to his wife's family, so I feel left out.

It has been a process, but I think you have to go through somewhat of a grieving process to accept the loss of how you thought things would be. Then you can move forward with a new concept of siblings relationships. I know I'll never be as close to my sibs as I wanted, but I'll take what I can get, and not be setting myself up for disappointment anymore. I have lower expectations, so that helps. But with anyone, it evolves, and sometimes I still feel hurt, but at least it's forward progress, I'm not stuck and I'm not constantly getting let down. I hope that is what happens for you.

And I'm sorry you are going through this, it does stink. But I hope you feel better knowing you are not the only one.

I love my sister and miss many things about our relationship. I haven't spoken with her for almost a year. I feel awful about what happened, but this woman has a mean streak that is absolutely frightening and I don't know how to fix. She can hold a grudge for years and has caused family splits on several occasions, including my Grandmother's funeral...over ten years ago. I think both she and her son may be bi-polar, but she's already on so many other medications due to a very serious back injury...I just don't know. Any suggestions or other stories WELCOME.

I just keep on praying and remain faithful to God.

Blessings...

My brother is an alcoholic (when he's not drinking, he still has all the traits of one). We had a relationship until 3 years ago (I was in my late 30's) and I thought his behavior around my children was unsafe and he got very angry about that and got a couple of inches from my face and yelled at me. He apologized, but i realized I couldn't be around him until there was a change. It has been very awkward with family. They believe I overreacted. My parents have actually lied to me about when he will be there so I come at the same time and that has created problems (We live in different states!) I allow my kids to call him on holidays and he does send them gifts, but otherwise there is no contact. It is certainly not how I want things to be, but I'm not willing to live with the fear and risk that comes with him being in my life. Good luck figuring it out.

My sister and I have been at odds for the last 10 years of so. We don't talk on the phone, don't see each other. I have to admit some of our relationship problems stem from our parents playing favorites but she was always the "trouble" child and I did not have those issues. She skipped school, snuck out of the house, ran with the wrong crowd. When I was in my last year of college and planning my wedding my mom was in the hospital for 3 weeks on a respirator and she didn't bother to visit once. When I got married she said she couldn't come because she "may have a job" She wasn't working at the time. When her daughter was born premature at 29 weeks she didn't put me on the visitation list so I didn't see my niece until she was almost 5 months old and then she moved to Germany. It's almost like I don't even have a sister really. According to my dad she is starting to get her life back on track. Her husband and her divorced a few years ago and she gave him full custody of their daughter and lives 3 states away. I have closer relationships with my college roommates. I'm not even sure I really want my kids around my sister because of her actions and although I'm not sure her father is much better I'm glad my niece is with him than with her. I'm not really sorry I don't have a relationship with her.

Yes, I have a sister who only talks to one of our brothers on occasion (maybe 3 times a year at best) and from what he tells us, she refers to our parents by their first names, not "mom and dad". She also has threatened our brother that if he ever tells anyone about what she is up to or where she lives etc... she'll stop talking to him too.

For me personally, I lived so many years with her always needing to be right and her always trying to make it a point to be "the black sheep" of the family and not to mention the countless fights over literally, everything....I've finally realized, I for once have a sense of peace in my life. It's sad that I feel this way, but to not have such a negative force always crowding to me is uplifting, it really is.

As far as my kids, they weren't born when she was in my life so she's never met them. I don't talk about her to them either. If the day ever comes that she finally tries to make things right it will be up to her to apologize to my children for being such a bum aunt.

And for my parents, oh Lord have they tried. My mother has helped my sister in so many ways and bent over backwards to pull favors etc... that my dad finally said she needed to step back because all her efforts were clearly not working. My parents tried to even meet with HER counselor on her turf (another state) and when my parents arrived in California, HER counselor got really rude to my parents and then my sister didn't even show. My dad was so flaming mad after spending the money to go there and have it blow up in his face that he stepped out of her life and told her when she was ready, she could come back and he'd always be there. My mother on the other hand, she continues to send her a birthday card each year but that's about it.

I've learned that once you raise your child into adulthood, you really can't control anything beyond what they are going to do, outside of an alcoholic intervention I suppose. It's very hard to see your family members struggle but see their stubborness as a road block in your relationship. But, don't dwell on it, keep moving forward in your own life and enjoy what you have. If your sibling decides to re-enter the picture in a more "normal" fashion, embrace it but don't keep brining up the past, just start at that moment and move forward, that is what I plan on doing if my sister ever decides to re-enter our family. If she does though, it will have to be on her terms, not mine or my parents.

After my mom died us four children just kind of all went our own way and although I try to reach out & keep things going, it's not the same. I always remember birthdays, anniversarys & such, but am sometimes disappointed foolishly I guess. There has been a whole lot that has gone on in our family these past 14 yrs, but the saddest of them all to me is that not one of my brothers or sister has had the opportunity of developing a relationship w/either of my beautiful daughters. As far as your mom, once a mom, always a mom - my mother overlooked sooo much that went on just because she wanted to have some part of their lives.

I have a brother and we haven't been on good terms in over five years. It took a long time for me to come to terms with it. He's had a baby during those five years and I've had three. I've tried to reconcile, but through these efforts I've gotten a glimpse into how he truly feels about me, and I don't even know what his issues are. Probably because he doesn't know either. But, through the few conversations I've had, I've realized that my brother is very infantile, irrational, and just flat out angry for reasons he can't even tell me. Once I let go of my anger, I realized how much happier I am not having him in my life. The stress is gone, the worry is gone, and the heartache is gone. That's how I've dealt with it. I do miss my nieces, but unfortunately it comes with the territory. I do not feel sorry that my kids don't know him at all. He is not a mentally healthy person and I don't want them around such negativity either. Overall, my husband and I have realized that we are much better off with him not in our lives.

Not everyone can have good sibling relationships. My brother and I always got along, nothing bad ever happened, he's not mean or controlling, and we just barely ever speak now. We live far apart. We're two totally different people, but on the rare occasion we get together at my dad's every few Christmases, we get along fine. But I've had 3 kids he doesn't know, and I haven't visited him where he lives...ever. I don't know. Not all siblings were meant to be close. We have totally different interests and values. His life choices are not ones I would pick and vice versa, but again, we have no beef, just no common ground. Maybe being separately adopted has something to do with it. Maybe not. We got along great as kids. He also ignores my mom for no reason, and she always tries to maintain a relationship with him. It's just what moms do. Good luck letting it go. It's all you can do. His controlling ways are his wife's problem, but it's natural for you to care, there is just nothing you can do. He's an adult and totally free to be whoever he is. Hopefully as his kids get older, things will improve for you and you can know them. Whatever you do, if you want that to happen, don't try to change him or fight him. You have to accept him unconditionally and be nice to him (even though he's wrong) if you ever want to get near the kids. Send a gift to the "sip and see" and expect no response. Time will tell. Sorry for the painful situation.

I think there is absolutely nothing you can do about any of it. My brother is a big jerk too, and we do not see him. He is not controlling like your brother, he is just weird too. At first we had to call to see them, then it kept getting further and further until their kids started thinking we were weird. They always asked my folks for money for bills, because their kids wouldn't have water or heat if my parents didn't give them money. That was what they would say to do the guilt trip. Then they'd call and say terrible things to my parents and make up stuff. When my dad died they never came to see him until I called him and told him to stop acting the way he was, that dad wasn't going to last very long. He came for a few hours then, but that was it. He said he help us keep an eye on mom, but that hasn't happened either. He just doesn' t like us for some reason, and we didn't do anything. So you just have to tell yourself that and live with it. You can't do anything about the kids either, they probably have been lied to about you, so they have tainted feelings too. Just pray for them.

Im real close to my sister. We live 45 miles apart, and see eachother about once a month. sometimes for just a few minutes but we chat online nearly every evening while we sit around watching tv or cleaning house on weekends. We take trips to see our dad together and have fun. I dont see my brothers often, but we dont dislike eachother. They just live farther away and we are busy and life keeps us from being together a lot more. My husband doesnt see his sister or brother much for the same reasons. I at least email my brothers and keep in touch on facebook and such. He doesnt do this and hadnt seen or talked to his brother for about 3 years until just recently when an uncle died and they both went to the funeral. I guess you could say parts of our families are a bit disconnected, but its not that we dont care about eachother. We just dont spend time in the same place with them much.

I have 2 younger sisters that I do not have a relationship with. Its been about 3 years. I have an older brother and his family whom I get along great with. (everyday thing). He has nothing to do with our sisters either. There comes a time in life where you just have to do away with the drama and craziness. We are all adults and went different ways as we grew. Lifestyles are different but you have to do what makes you happy. Life is too short. It is hard about neices and nephews, but if its meant to be, then when they get older, they will find you. Good luck.

Hi, and I feel for you...and maybe this will help a tiny bit...

I have three brothers and we, my next oldest and my youngest brother get along very well and remain close, altho we all live in different states. My oldest brother always acted like he had a chip on his shoulder. The rest of us overlooked his rude behavior; one example is driving right by a family reunion without even stopping to leave on vacation. I have been disgusted so many times, feelings hurt.

After the reunion episode, my husband just suggested that I REALLY lower my expectations for him...and I did. This helped tremendously and sounds so simple. I kept in touch with cards and altho it was very challenging at times, I have fought to maintain a relationship with his wife and kids. Along the way I learned that he had told them many untrue things about the rest of us. Well, one day I mentioned this to a therapist in a workshop and she suggested I tell him I was not going to be afraid of his anger anymore. Hmm...I never did this, but it helped my attitude in dealing with him from an emotional standpoint.

I continue(d) to keep in touch and continue to pray for him and his family. A year ago we attended a family wedding, not an easy feat from several states away. He was like changed man. He went out of his way to spend time with us and thanked us several times for attending. Since then we've had a small e-mail relationship.

Sorry this is so long, but I believe that by making the effort to keep in touch with his kids and being who we are, their loving family, the kids will eventually figure out that his story is not the only one!

My best advice: lower your expectations, maintain enough distance to protect you and yours, keep in touch if you can with birthday cards, etc.
and pray for God to heal the situation. Time can also help a situation like this. God can and will help you through this--have faith that He still works little miracles every day.

Best wishes to you-- you can see by all your responses that you are not alone!

I did not have a relationship with my brother for about 10 years. It didn't like the man he had turned into. I didn't agree with his decisions. When he would call me, he was usually high, say mean things, make fun of me, etc. Really hurtful. I cut off the relationship.

He cleaned up his life a bit and we have a relationship today. But I still don't like him. I can only take him in small doses. We rarely see his kids- the ex wife got remarried and after nasty court battles, she got him to give up his rights. I don't know my nephews. I just don't. My main concern is their mother poisoning then against their father and how that will affect them later in life.

You just have to let it be. Its hard. Take a deep breath, say a prayer and let it go. Support your mom when she needs it.
Good Luck