As my 20-year high school reunion approaches, I wonder if an apology is overdue or should I truly lay this to rest and never mention it. No it was not on another peer. Rather I went to a religious boarding school far away from home. Our ladies dean was the coldest woman I had ever met. She lived a thousand miles away from her husband and sometimes he flew up to visit her (we understood this to be an intentional separation vs. necessity). I didn't like her and I found her unapproachable, but I respected her. She showed me mercy a time or two when I broke a rule. Later when I transferred to another school where the ladies dean was warm and friendly, I truly resented this cold harsh woman. But as I grow older, I judge people less on their short comings, real or perceived .
So what did I do? While shopping at a thrift store I came across the trashiest, nippless, crotchles, lace teddy. I purchased it for a few dollars, wrapped it up real nice and left it in her office as an anonymous gift.
I just face book friended her. Usually I'm all for apologies, but I feel this one needs to be left alone. I do feel bad that I did it though. She was not a warm woman, and therefore a poor fit for a women's' high school dean. But in retrospect, that was the schools fault for their poor hire. She didn't deserve it.
The timing is just in my near approaching 20-year- reunion and the FB friends that has generated, and thinking back on that stage of life that has so long been out of my thoughts.
I do hope she was able to laugh and wear it for her husband when he showed up for a visit. I will never know if she was able to take it in stride or if it was hurtful. I hope she was able to laugh. It was not a large high school and she deaned only a few years. I'm certain she does remember me. There is no way she knew who gave it to her.
…also this was not a Catholic school. She is retired, I do not expect to see her at the reunion. But in making contact with old classmates over the reunion planning, she popped up in the list of suggested friends.
We have, since I asked the question here, dialoged on FB. I took the advice to thank her for her few acts of mercy she showed me. I know now that she had a difficult job. I joked with her that I know more about her spending 5 min. on fb than i did two years of dorming. She acknowledged that she worked very hard to keep her personal and work life separate and joked that it seems she succeeded.
In any case, I resonate with the statement that some things are just between us and God. This is one of those things. Thanks all.
Seriously?
No. Don't do it. It will be embarrassing for her and will only make you look sophomoric. Lose/lose.
I'd let it go, but if you feel that you should do something, then do something nice for someone else, equally anonymously. Kind of like putting out good karma to fix bad karma.
Just let it go. Odds that she still remembers are slim. And even if she did remember it may not have been as epic as you have played it out to be.
Well, if I had been in her shoes, I would have chalked it up to an ignorant child and thrown it in the trash and forgotten it. At this point it almost seems like unnecessary bragging on your part. The only person you'd be making feel better is you, and possibly be making her feel worse. Move on and let sleeping dogs lie - if she's worth her weight, she's long forgotten you and the dumb prank.
I don't think I would apologize at this point. It would be like saying "I really did not like you and wanted to be mean to you" and may make her feel worse at this point.
I WOULD however, let her know how much you respected her and thank her for "showing mercy" to your childhood antics. A thank you for the goodness you found in her will go much farther than an apology and mean much more at this point.
I think your confession to God ought to be it, lol!
I think it would unnesasarily hurt her now, when having a former student as a friend is a bigger plus than having a late apology to stir up bad memories.
It's more than likely forgotten by her a long time ago.
Underwear is personal - no doubt she threw it away.
An apology now would be a somewhat self serving attempt to sooth your own guilty feelings.
If confession will make you feel better then see a priest, do some penance and leave your prior victim alone.
I wouldn't be friending her on FB either - you aren't really friends.
Who knows - she and her husband might have actually had some fun with that teddy.
Let it lie. It was stupid, but not cruel.
What is the purpose of a confession at this point?
This was something you did a while ago, I'm assuming...... is it to just clear your conscience? If so, that is just between you and your God......
I see no purpose in reminding her of that stupid practical joke you played on her so long ago......
I agree that you say nothing. Even if she figured it came from you, 20 yrs later has a chance of either bringing up embarrassing memories or make her mad. No point in discussing it at all.
I seriously doubt she even remembers it so what's the point in bringing it up? I would be embarrassed and ashamed to even mention it.
Let the memory and guilt over doing something so silly stay with you, where it belongs. No need to make her feel bad just to make yourself feel better, you know? So you were immature, and a jerk. We all have done things we're not proud of, especially as teenagers. No need to pick at old scabs.
Nah, leave it alone. She may have been able to enjoy that garment! Ha!
Are your eyes burning at the thought?
If you really feel bad, you could make a donation in her honor.. You do not even have to tell her, do it anonymously..
Now that you realize what a tough kid you were , at some point when your children screw up, you may need to tell them how bad this has made you feel. I have admitted some poor choices to our daughter.. No one is perfect, No one is without sin..
But if we can admit it to those we love, we know that we can be a lesson to others.
Man, some people on this site are so harsh! I don't get it...
Anyway, I would just let it be. I agree with Mymission, it would just stir things up and possibly bring up a bad memory. It was long in the past, we all do things we regret....have fun at your reunion!
Let it go. As pranks go, this one was mild, and the fact that you're looking back with understanding and regret, that says really good things about you.
If anything, maybe you can commit a random act of kindness. Just tell her -- at the reunion or on FB -- how much you respect and appreciate her. Sure, you'd be stretching the truth, but it'd be a wonderful act of kindness for a woman who's likely in the later decades of her life. It'd "cost" you nothing, and it'd balance the books in the proverbial karma bank.
let it go. I see nothing positive coming out of it for your relationship.
if you had done something really awful- physically hurt her, publicly humiliated her, damaged her professionally, stalked her- i'd say yes, clear the slate.
what you did was Mean Girl, but only mildly. for something this long ago, and this (relatively) harmless, i'd let it go.
khairete
S.
Good grief, NO. What are you thinking? Give yourself a break from your youth and put a lid on this. You deserve a break - not more "coldness" from this woman...
Years ago, a family member told me about her "worry ball". That's what she called all the things she had done from the time she could remember stuff (I think her's was first grade) all the way up until she was in college. She had LISTED in her head all these little things, including when she wrote on a bathroom wall that she didn't like Miss Baker, her first grade teacher. Her "worry ball" was the size of a proverbial bowling ball. She KNEW it was unusual and counterproductive in her life to be carrying these memories around. I hope your "worry ball" isn't this big, but really and truly, I wonder, considering you're even asking this question...
Let. it. go........
nope, what they all said.
Nah, let it go. It's been 20 years. She's probably forgotten all about it.
Bringing it up serves no purpose. It doesn't right some awful wrong that needs to be corrected in the great cosmic universe.
While she may remember you, it's quite unlikely that she dwells on this incident, if she ever recalls it at all. Doubtful that you are going to become best FB buds, so no worry about hiding something from a close friend.
You were a teen. You played a practical joke. You realize now it wasn't the kind or right thing to do. Pretty sure you wouldn't do something like that now. Lesson learned.
Enjoy your reunion!
Probably not. Some sleeping dogs might as well lie. You friended her, so that's something positive. Keep it going in that direction.
Anyway, if she had any sense of humor, she might have appreciated the gift.
Does she know it was you that sent it? If not, why bring it up? It might make matters worse. I would just leave it. Perhaps instead you could give her some sort of gift at the reunion to focus, not on her cool demeanor, but instead on the fact that you still respected her. Some people are just not "warm". It could have been that she appeared that way in the sense that you knew her. If you knew her on a more personal level, perhaps your impressions would have been completely different.
Fessing up about an act like that, after all these years, may change her impression of you. If she doesn't know you sent it, just leave it in the past and move on.
Let it be. Your warm smile will speak volumes.
Let it go. Harmless. Might not be as well received as you hope.
Feeling a little guilty at? Let it go. Do not bring it up. Might backfire on you.
I actually don't see anything wrong with apologizing to her. You can just say that you played a joke on her a long time ago and wanted to fess up. It's not like you put a dead cat in her mailbox or slashed her tires. I see this prank to be on par with toilet papering someone's house -- but without the mess. I'm sure it's not the only prank that someone ever pulled on her, and I'm sure she was not devastated by it. She may actually have a sense of humor about it. (It was kind of funny….)
I will say that when two of my old elementary school friends found me on FB before my 20th reunion, I actually apologized for my mean girl behavior toward them. One of them had no idea what I was talking about and only had fond memories of me (????) and the other was actually very appreciative of my confession because she always wondered why I was suddenly so cold to her when she did nothing to deserve that.
Enjoy your reunion! My 20th was a blast!
The principle I have heard is to make amends to the people one has harmed, unless to do so would cause further harm to them or others. The question is whether bringing up the incident with her now will cause more pain or will resolve any remaining discomfort in her. The other piece of the equation is what you need to do so you can stop feeling guilty. Might it resolve the guilt for you if you took the opportunity now to thank her for her 'mercy' to you on those occasions when you got caught being a disobedient teen? You also could say that you didn't appreciate it at the time, however you came to respect her and that she had a very difficult job? It seems like that it is the message which you want to communicate, and I'm sure that she would value hearing it.
As for your own peace of mind about how she might have felt at the time, 50% likely she laughed or found an opportunity to use the garment. So why not focus on that possibility instead of the negative possibility? [By the way, her short tenure in the job indicates that she herself or the institution realized it wasn't a good fit, so hopefully she moved onto another situation or job which worked better.] I applaud your desire to set things straight!
It wasn't cruel. Let it go. Either she tossed it in the trash, or took it home to hubby (LOL). :)
Okay, you clearly remember it for a reason. Likely she remembers it too. Thing is, we likely all did ridiculous, stupid things when we were young. Personally, I would make the decision to make amends, both for your benefit and hers. If someone did that to me, I think I would remember it. Here is the thing, many of us do not get to make amends for the stupid, irrational, and/or mean things we did. You have an opportunity to do so.
If you apologize, she will likely admire you for how you have grown. If you don't, both you and she will just take it to your graves as one of those things that was never 'righted'.
I did something that I regret and if I could, I would make amends immediately. I do not have that opportunity.
I did make amends about something I did and I was truly embarrassed by. The woman thanked me and I feel better about myself - because it bothered me. I know I owed and amends and I did the right thing.
If something like that appeared in my office 20 years ago, I probably wouldn't be thinking about it much today, especially if no one else saw it and it wasn't accompanied by any sort of nasty note.
Those of us who work with adolescents are usually made of tougher stuff than to suffer for years from such a mild prank.
I played practical jokes on the nuns who ran my school that I am still ashamed of and wouldn't admit to without video evidence against me,
I think its fine to apologize to her. Do it.
Apologize for what? Did you leave it in her husband's car for her to find? Did she almost commit suicide over it? Did you include a dead rat?
Seriously, do you think that these women--working in a religious boarding school--were not always in receipt of some dumb sentiment that the solution to being hard on hormonal teenage girls was just to get laid themselves? Your "gift" was likely not her first or last.
Be thankful that you've grown past it enough to see what it was and feel some remorse, and use the experience to empathize with and advise your own children.
I don't mean to minimize your pranking skills, but to an adult, that is nothing. Relax, and never mention it to her or anyone who knows her.
ETA: She likely did not wear it. Would you wear--on your person, let alone your nethers--a garment sent to you anonymously, especially in that environment??
Look, you were a classic, self-absorbed, smarty pant, impulsive teenager - back then. What a laugh you must have had though. Pardon yourself for acting on your thoughts back then. Pardon her for her behavior and less than stellar warm and fuzzy role model. I realize the Catholics like to confess their sins, but this was one immature act that did not go on to define your future.
Peace! (Too bad you didn't see her response, eh?)
Are you just nervous about this, or is it eating at you?
If it's really eating at you, there *is* such a thing as conscience. So admit your action to the woman and tell her how you have since re-thought the matter - and then ask her to forgive you. But don't do it on her FB page. Do it in a private message, or ask her for her e-mail or snail mail address and send her a letter.
This should be only between you two, since the original action was just between you two. It's not for the twentieth reunion to know about.
You don't know if she has remembered that anonymous "gift" or if she has forgotten. She might have shrugged it off. But if it's bothering YOU, 'fess up and face the music.
It's not if it was mean or cruel, but rather your intentions behind it...while she was mean, as a result so were you by virtue of your deed...
it's not the worst thing that could ever be done.. However, you enter into a "FB" friendship with her with a secret from the get go.... to me, that isn't the beginning of an honest friendship... even if just on FB. if you feel it needs to be left alone, then why befriend her to begin with.. why not just leave the friendship up to someone else..
either you take responsibility and own up.. or don't even lead her astray via FB... because ultimately, I think that is what you are doing.... the worst isn't that you sent her that gift.. but rather befriending a person and seeming like "all is well".... when you know deep down you may have possibly hurt her, or not.......
