Are We Sheltering Our 4 Month Old?

I don't know what you mean by the term shelter her. It is a parents job to shelter their children based on their needs at each age. It is reasonable for her to act the way she did at her first visit with "strangers" and it's reasonable that this was her first visit.

I would do the next visit differently. First, I'd be sure she had napped and eaten if it's at the time she usually eats before taking her to your friend's home. Her cries at each time sound to me the result of feeling unsure about what is going on. I suggest keeping her with you anytime she seems about to cry. Not necessarily pick her up but sit down beside her, pat her back, give her a hug, anything that let's her know in an active way that you are there before she breaks into full scale crying.

If she starts to breakdown a second time, I would suggest picking her up and holding her, again before the crying begins. And then shelter her by not introducing anything new to her. Going into a darkened room with her is a good idea. I'd be careful about nursing her to quiet her because she may then associate nursing as the only way to calm down after non-food issues. If she's crying because she's hungry then definitately nurse her. If she's hungry or it's near the time she usually nurses then nurse her before you put her in a new situation.

Your daughter is just reacting to being in an unfamiliar situation. I suspect that she was overwhelmed during this visit because there was more than one new thing happening.

I think it's OK that she hasn't been out and about at 4 months. That could be called sheltering which I think is a good thing. She is in a new world, her nervous and physical systems are newly developing. You don't want to overload her. Babies are not small children and small children are not adults. As we age we become more able to adapt to new situations. Even as adults we continue to mature into more advanced stages of interaction with the world. I'm 65 and I am sometimes still not comfortable with something new that requires my interaction.

Gradually introduce her to new situations. You wrote that she was fine at first. I suggest that you arrange for more visits that are shorter in length so that she can gradually get used to being with other people in different environments.

Babies and kids need shelter. You are doing just fine. Our society seems bent on making us all independent from the day we are born. Which is not only unrealistic, I think can be damaging to our ability to make close intimate bonds.

I would suggest holding her when in a new situation or one where there is a lot of stimulus. If you don't have one already, invest in at least two kinds of baby holders. I personally prefer a ring sling for it's versatility and a Mei tai or Ergo carrier for even distribution of weight on your back. I've also heard great things about Moby wraps too. You can check them all out at http://www.thebabywearer.com/ My philosophy is that you should hug and hold your kids close till they initiate a move away from you. If you wait till your baby says she wants to be held by somebody else, and stand close so she knows you are still there for her, she will be more likely to be secure in her trust for you. I think passing the baby around is an odd, and should be discouraged ritual, in our society till the child can choose who holds them. There are times when you do need to put her down, and if she is unhappy in somebody elses arms, I would just put her down where she can see you and keep talking to her in a calm voice even through her panicked cries.

You are doing great! Your child expressed her needs and you answered them! Just keep that up and I know you will do just fine.

I would suggest that you socialize her slowly. My 14 months old will freak out, if I just left her with a stranger and she is definitely not too sheltered (she attends full time daycare while I work and we do plenty of activities). She has always been like this, and I appreciate her caution when it comes to strangers. She will usually warm up only if she has seen the person for a few times. She will smile at strangers and wave, but she would never allow someone that she does not know to hold her.

In addition to that, babies that are your daughter's age are easily overstimulated. So just take it slow and try to watch her cues.
You may want to invite people to your home, so she can meet them on her home turf until she is more comfortable.
And if you wanted to, you could start taking her out more, for walks or shopping trips. Start by having her in a front carrier or sling facing you and soon she will begin to peek out and explore the world around her.
You cannot shelter a baby that age too much (in my opinion) so just trust your instincts and watch her cues.

Hi J.!

I wanted to also chime in and say that I honestly don't believe you are over-sheltering your baby. I admire you guys for finding a way to pay the bills and keep your little baby sheltered - that is exactly what she needs at this young age.

When my daughter was 4 months, we had a party at our house. Everyone wanted to hold the baby and, as a new mom, I wasn't sure what to do. She was happy at first, but about 20 minutes into the fourth person holding her, she suddenly lost it; she was just screaming. I had to take her upstairs and sit with her in a quiet, dark room. It took her almost an hour to calm down. Then I held her until she fell asleep and we didn't bring her downstairs again.

Before this party, she had gone to a small daycare a few days a week and I had taken her a few times to my part-time job. Yet, she still freaked with new people holding her.

The advice you got below is right-on (in my opinion).

Blessings to you and your new family! You guys sounds like wonderful parents.

Hi Mama!
I do not think you are sheltering your 4 month old. She is still soooooo young. I think babies are best at home with mom and dad for as long as you can do it. I have 3 kids--a 16 year old daughter, a 4 year old son and a 2 year old son. I can tell you that you have plenty of time to get her out and about in the world. Being so young and in a new environment can be exhausting and I think she was tired. Go slow, you are doing the right thing. She will be fine. She is too young to be too sheltered or spoiled. My younger guys still only have 1-2 hour play dates with friends because any longer than that leads to melt downs. I have a hard time getting my teenager to stay home for that long! So I have the perspective that before you know it, your child will want to be out and about more than at home with you. So appreciate her smallness...she's too young for too much stimulation. It will all come too soon. Much love and light to you good parents.

I agree w/ marda. Make sure she has had her nap and eaten before visiting others. I also agree w/ arranging shorter visits for a little while until she adjusts a little more. Also consider it could just be her personality, not so much the parenting. My son, who's now 4 1/2 was always very social from the time he was born. My daughter, who's now 2 1/2 was the total opposite. She started daycare at 6 wks because I had to go back to work, and she was around others from day 1, but that didn't seem to help much with her acceptance of others. She used to freak out when we got around new people even if I was holding her, if we got too close to someone she didn't know she'd get upset. The funny thing though was that once I was out of sight, and after about 5-10 minutes, she'd stop crying and she'd be fine for the rest of the day. She has since opened up quite a bit, but she still cries for a few minutes when I leave her with someone new (for instance when she moves up to a new class w/ a new teacher at daycare) and she still gets upset around some new people, (men more than women). For the 1st year it was almost impossible to find a babysitter for her. Your little one is still very little, give her time and take it slow, I wouldn't say your sheltering her, I just think your doing things the way that works for your family. Maybe you could find a play group with other babies, she might do better if there are other little ones around. It sounds to me like your doing a good job with her, keep it up.

As you begin your journey into motherhood, you must remember this rule: No nap + over stimulation = meltdown. This will hold true for several years to come, whether it be a toddler at the grocery store or a 6 year old at a birthday party.

Try to take her out between naps so she is at her best, and keep her first visits short until she is able to handle more. Or, consider having your friends visit her at your house. The baby will be in a familiar, safe environment, and if she gets overly tired, she can take a nap in her room while the adults visit in the other room.

Have fun!

I just had a chance to skim the responses here--obviously a lot of brilliant mamaminds at work. Something I'd like to add (and someone may have already suggested this) is perhaps bringing her baby gym or other "safe space" familiar from home. Then your friends would have a chance to see her engaged, at her best.

Separation anxiety "typically" starts at 6 months, but every kid is on their own schedule.

By the way, my son was lovingly close to me until he didn't want to be. Women in my Mom's group still joke that they didn't really know what he looked like until he was about 6-7 MO because he was usually in the front pack! Not taking him everywhere meant that he didn't get most of the colds/viruses that were passed around. I know people say it just builds up their immunities, but I don't think it's something we need to be in a hurry to start.

You'll know you are "sheltering" if you are looking for reasons NOT to be around other parents/people. It's one thing if the reasons are already there (i.e.- the person smokes constantly, isn't safe, is sick, or baby needs a nap,etc.), but if you are trying to convince yourself not to go out, then you might want to try to discover what you are worried about.

Overall, it sounds like you ARE giving her the best life you can. Most babies like things nice, slow, and predictable. You and your husband are enough for your little girl right now! Revel in this nice, cozy time--soon enough, she'll be dragging you out to the park in all weather.

One more thing to reassure you: your child will not suffer socially by not being around other children at this age. :) Even through 18 months or so, they are really doing their own thing, and after that follows months of parallel play before they start playing together. SO DON'T WORRY!:)

Hi there-
I think you are doing an excellent job and I hope you don't stress out to much about this. Young infants can get over stimulated very quickly, even in 20 mins. My very happy go lucky easy mannered daughter was this exact same way. We couldn't go out to eat or visit friends until she was a bit older. You just need to realize that it is over stimulation that is why the quiet dark room soothed her.
What I did to deal with this was to slowly introduce her to more stimulation. I started taking my daughter to the store or a coffee shop like starbucks or the library (put her in a front pack so she would feel secure) and I would just walk around. I would strike up conversations with people. I would talk to her and explain things to her even though I know she didn't know what was going on, my voice would soothe her. It eventually got her use to stimulus. Also, whenever I went places where friends wanted to hold my daughter, I just took about 15 mins to warm her up and then she was good to go with others. I think it finally changed for her around 8 months and then she became a social butterfly. However, my daughter, even at age 2, gets overstimulated sometimes. I just watch for the signs. I think it is just the nature of some children. Some need a lot of stimulus, other need very little.
Keep up the good work you are doing as a mom. I know how easy it is to get confused on if you are doing the right thing. But you know your heart and you know your child and you will always do the best for her.

I agree with a lot of the advice here--I was just going to say that even if you had just been home, missing her nap probably would have made her fussy. Even older children and adults are in a better mood when rested and fed. Now I have four kids and I wish I could schedule everything around my four month old's schedule because it is just so much easier to do. Ease her into new experiences, talk her through it--even if other adults think you are weird or pampering her--and plan new experiences around her routine if you can--if you can't, just roll with the punches--everyone has to adapt and just deal sometimes, and you can get her back on schedule as soon as you can. I think you made a good choice to admit defeat and leave when you did--a success, I would call it, not defeat. I know those times when I think we should leave a gathering and we stay to enjoy adult conversation just five more minutes--and end up unable to exit gracefully because now our kids are too tired, overstimulated, hungry, cranky or whatever the particular case may be! Parenting is trial and error--every day.

How well I remember the joy, the worries, the wonderment of being a first time Mom. Congratulations to you both. There is just no other feeling in the world like being a parent, and we all worry that we are doing the right things. And how wonderful for you all that you are able to stay home with her and work around each other's schedules. You are all very fortunate in this because many parents have to put their brand new babies in daycare right away and go back to work. That being said, take a deep breath, and relax. No one knows your child like you do. You aren't sheltering her too much, you are lucky to be home with her in the environment she is most comfortable in. You know best about your baby, so follow your instincts. If she gets too upset when you go over somewhere, next time, have them over to your place. No one likes to see their baby upset and forcing her into situations she is uncomfortable with and practicing "tough love" will probably eventually work, but will be a tough road for both of you, and why do that to either of you? Follow her lead and her comfort zone will get bigger as she does. Take her to public places but keep her safely in your arms, and let her observe other people. This is a wonderful time that you will never get back, so relax and enjoy it. All things work themselves out in time.

J.,
Congrats and welcome to motherhood, never again will you stop second guessing yourself and wondering if what you are doing is right. There are so many possibilities as to why your little peanut freaked, the list could go on and on, but like the other ladies have said before me at 4 months its impossible to shelter or spoil your baby too much. Deep breaths, you will get some normalacy back in the years to come, patients, humor and a good cry usually get me through the rough spots. Just hit the basics before you head out, dry diaper, fed and burped and a good nap, those 3 are a MUST before treking on a new adventure with little one, how she reacts is up to her. Allthough what might help to is to have your friends over to your house a few times to have your daughter get used to the new faces. The best of luck, and as hard as it is try not to worry too much ;)

J.,

Missing the nap was probably the biggest factor in your daughter's rough day. Outside of her comfortable home was part of it, but once she gets out a bit more in warmer weather, she'll get used to being in different places. One thing we did a lot of was shop when our son was little. Just a quick outing to Fred Meyer, Target, the hardware store got him out and used to seeing other people. He was always safely strapped into his infant seat or my husband's arms, but he got to look around and good natured strangers talked to him.

If you're in an office where your husband can bring your daughter inside for a couple of minutes before you head back home, that could help her get used to being out as well.

Good Luck.

Hey J..

It sounds like she just got over stimulated being in a new environment with new people and new things (and surely the lack of nap didn't help). I certainly don't think you're sheltering her, but it might be good to start getting her interacting with other people slowly. 4 months old is a good age to start doing that. There are lots of indoor playgrounds at community centers (Mountlake Terrace, North Kirkland, Redmond, to name a few) that you or your husband can take her to. There are also TONS of parents groups that you can join not only for your daughter, but for yourself or your husband too. If you go to www.meetup.com, and search for "playgroup" or "moms/dads group" or something similar, then you'll find plenty in your area. (It finds them by your zip code.) There's also parent/baby "classes" you and/or your husband can take with her, if you can afford them, like a baby gym (MyGym, Little Gym or Gymboree), or there are music classes like Kindermusik/Studio3Music. These are all good places to learn social skills for the little ones.

You really sounds like great parents and I think you'll figure something out that works for you guys.

Good luck! :o)

Hi J.,
You and your husband didn't do anything wrong. It seems like you don't have family close by and this helped to shelter her. However, please keep in mind, she's 4 months old and many of us, me too, was very careful - perhaps too careful ^j^ the first few months.

The more you take her out among your friends the easier it will be for her. Remember, she's only been around you and your husband for her first 4 months so everything and anything is different and therefore scary.

Isn't it wonderful how she calmed down when she was with you?

Many blessings for you, your husband and your daughter. E.

Hi J.:

One thing that might have caused the crying is that your little one starts actually seeing and recognizing her environment right now. Everything out of the ordinary is scary at this time. Also her missing her nap was definitely not helpful in this already stressful situation. One tip: Whenever we take our daughter to friends' houses we take along her portable crib/playyard, her bedtime nucki and her bunny. When she gets tired we can simply put her down in a separate room for a nap; afterwards she's like a different person again. Also try to introduce her to new people slowly, which helps her not getting overstimulated.

Good luck for you next family outing!

I think you've gotten some great advice below!! I think you did a great job of analyzing the situation and asked the right questions. The suggestions about gradual introduction to new situations are right on.

Did you do anything like a "new moms" group when she was born? Do you have any groups you can join? I know friends of mine have been very pleased with the socialization opportunities PEPS and other groups have brought their children at younger ages. Perhaps looking into an "activity" you and your baby can do (or she and her dad) on your days off, there are some music programs and maybe (not sure) Gymboree offers something for little, little ones like her, might be good? Comfortable/calm settings, that would be weekly trips she could get used to... Even just taking her out more, where she might be around more people or a newer situation. My daughter LOVED the mall when she was tiny, all the lights, colors, and people watching (too bad my husband and I hated it! it was her grandma that started that trend ;))

I understand about your concern about "oversheltering"... You don't want your child to be the one that CAN'T handle new situations-- that can be very frustrating, I'm sure! I think the fact that you are aware of her reactions at this point is proof that you are doing the right things. Just think of ways you can help her understand that there will be new situations and new people AND that Mama and Papa will always make sure she's safe!

Best wishes!

Hi J., I don't think you're sheltering her or being too overprotective at all. It's winter and she's only 4 months old. You kind of have to keep them at home for a bit in this weather and cold/flu season. So first off, I just want to say you aren't doing anything wrong. It sounds like her behavior is totally normal especially for a sensitive child. My son (now three) was a very happy baby for the most part but when he'd get overstimulated or something "new" combined with a missing nap = meltdown city!

Your story reminded me of my first PEPS meeting. It was one of the first times out and about alone with the baby - meeting a bunch of other moms - feeling nervous and my son FREAKED and cried almost the entire time. I felt so self-conscious because it seemed as if all the other babies were just happy and laying there. Later, after I got to know the moms we all talked about that first meeting and many of us all felt the same way!

So don't feel like you are doing anything wrong at all. Just hold her and help her discover her world. I also don't think it's wrong at all to nurse for comfort as one poster mentioned - she's only 4 months old. Nursing works great after shots and all sorts of trauma! Good luck :) and you're not alone!

Hi J.. I just wanted to let you know that my husband and I have been on the split schedule since our daughter turned one. Im with her during the day while my husband is at work and then as soon as he gets home I leave to work. We are not all that social, since we dont have many friends with kids our daughters age but our daughter is still fine. I wouldnt say she is sheltered. Since we cant afford to put her in a group setting (sports/dance...) we try to take her to places like parks and mcdonalds playlands so she still meets other kids and gets some social aspect. She interacts well with the other children and yet is very independant so she can play alone. You daughter is only 4 months old and is still getting used to her new world. There are many things and people to look and meet and its going to get overwhelming.

The first time I left my daughter with a babysitter (one of my best friends, a woman older than I), she cried the whole time...

But the babysitter didn't call, mainly because she knew I'd come back, and she knew my daughter would cry the first time.

What I'm glad about is that your daughter isn't 4 years old, meeting new people for the first time. You will have times like these, times when she is inconsolable somewhere, and you and your hubby have to leave with her. Not having a nap didn't help, either (you should see how upset I get when I don't get enough sleep), but the new situation was certainly the main trigger.

Still, it is important for you and your daughter to GO places, to see new people, to learn to transition to new homes, new faces, and new sights and smells. My daughter grew accustomed to new situations when I had to return to work full time, but I have been able to be a SAHM with my son his entire life (he's four). Yet I also took him EVERYWHERE with me. I went out to lunch with friends, taking both my kids. I took him to play dates. Even now, he's in his second year of preschool, but he has a whole network of friends his age, outside of school, and he has no fear of new situations.

You choose when, but it is important not only that you and your hubby go out, but also that she does. She will learn at a very young age that she is safe, that even if you leave (the room, the house) that she is safe, and that you will always come back. She can't learn it if she is never out of your sight, and she will be more fearful, believe it or not, if she is never parted from you.

She probably was having a rough time since she'd missed her nap and then had so much more stimulation than she's used to. Next time you're with a group of friends, keep her with you or your husband for a little while and let her see you happily interacting with your friends. It will make it easier for her to want to sit with them a little. It probably would do ALL of you some good to socialize a little more or even just be around other people. There are lots of mom/parent groups on meetup.com that would be great resources. We started going to playdates etc. when my daughter was around 4 months and now she's REALLY happy to be around others and is quite the social butterfly. She still loves her parents and will usually look for us every so often when she's playing, but she's happy to play with others and is very willing to be passed around at family get togethers etc.

Hi J.,

Happy New Year!

First off, your daughter is only 4 months old and only knows you and your husband, it will take time for her to get use to other people. I personally don't think you are sheltering her to much, you obiviously take her with you every where you go, and she sees new things every time.

She may have been scared by the toys and all the excitement around her. Plus missing her nap was a big factor as well.

My best advice to you both as a first time mom and having been there is to introduce her to new things every day, have your friends come over to the house instead for a few months and let her get use to them in her comfort zone, then start to go over to their houses and what not. It will get better as she gets older! According to my mother in law; "This to shall pass!"

I wish you the best and enjoy each and every day with your little girl!

A couple of things... First off you are doing GREAT!
Imagine that you have been taken to a new place you have seen before, and then you are handed around by all the people. These people are big and can be scary looking compared to mom and dad.
Then my safety comes back, mom and dad. And all is good.
It sounds to me like she was over stimulated, with a new place and new people. In fact, when she let your friends hold her without a bad reaction in and of itself says she felt safe in your choice of friends.

I had one child that would only sleep in his bed, or the car. This was quite interesting. He is now 17 and had no problem sleeping anywhere.
I had another child that would not let anyone she did not know so much as touch her. She was the baby of 5, and the other 4 where very friendly with other people. They would allow anyone to hold them or play with them. My youngest was the exact opposite. She would only allow family members to hold her.
In fact my husband worked in a job that had him traveling a lot. He was gone for 27 days a month and home for 4 days then gone again. Well when he came home, should did not remember him, and would cry when ever he tried to hold her at first.
Each child is different. And this is normal.
The other thing I would like to say is that it is ok to let a child be worry of whom they know as strangers. Nothing frustrates me more than to be in a store, and to admire a baby or toddler, and the child is apprehensive about me. And to have the parent say something along the lines of "Say hi to the nice lady". Although I am nice, and would never hurt a child, this parent does not know this. And the child reacted the right way, after all I am a stranger.
Your friends may not be strangers to you, but are they strangers to your little one?

You are also blessed to have the job's you do have. They allow to you have time with your special little one. Enjoy the time you have as a family.
B.
www.SouthSoundDoula.com

I just have a couple of things to add to all the wonderful suggestions and support you have already received. I would talk with her, empathize with her, when she gets upset - saying something like, there's a lot going on here and it's scary, let's go where it's quieter, just use your own words to express whatever you think she might be feeling/reacting to. And you could continue to talk with her as she calms down, that was kind of scary wasn't it, all those new people, I'm really happy to hold you and nurse you and help you feel better. Babies understand way more than most people think, and this will really help her. Also, I would encourage you to breastfeed rather than give her the bottle when you are there - there are extra calming hormones that come directly from the breast, and feeling the softness of your skin will help her too. I would, however, make sure that you're not feeding her too soon, when she may need just a minute to express her feelings while you empathize with her. You don't want to communicate to her that her crying isn't ok or that we should use food as a way of avoiding feelings. It can be tricky to tell sometimes - I'd trust your instincts and, when in doubt, I think it's better to err on the side of nurturing. As far as letting other people hold her, I would let her make the choice - hold her close to the person, introduce them, and ask her, would you like to go to so-and-so for a little while? and watch for her answer. She is probably getting to be old enough to show you her answer clearly by reaching out to the person or not. And then if she does go to the other person, watch her for cues that she is done and wants to come back to you. Also, I would make sure to always go to her right away when she wakes up, before her communication turns into a cry (you mentioned that she cries if you don't go to her right away). She really needs you and is letting you know. (Personally I would also cosleep, which I did with both of my children, and they both now do with their children - I think that being there for them during the night helps them feel really secure and therefore more independent later). One more thing - after she goes through an initial scare, I think it's best to stay close to her to continue to reassure her that she is safe, since her nervous system is already activated, and an even smaller stimulus may scare her more easily. You're doing a great job, just keep trusting your instincts!