Hello Ladies, I will try to keep this as short as possible, but that's always easier said than done. I have written in several times about a year ago about some of the problems my husband and I were having. One of the things that I inquired about was medication for depression/anxiety. Well, around Thanksgiving things were really spiraling downward fast. I had been seeing a very nasty side of my husband that I just couldn't stand anymore. He for quite a while was horrible to be around...always complaining, making rude, snippy comments, being very critical of everyone and everything and just setting a really poor example for our sons. I insisted that he go to the dr. and inquire about medication. The dr. put him on Pristiq, which is an antidepressant and Xanax, which is an anti-anxiety med. Well, wouldn't you know that something that was supposed to help, would also end up causing additional problems. My husband started over-using the Xanax and basically became addicted to it. His dr. refused to refill his prescription until he saw a psychologist. Well that lasted for all of two or three sessions before my husband convinced his dr. that he didn't need to see a psychologist. My husband is the king of denial and never takes responsibility for anything. It's always someone else's fault. Well, this week he got the Xanax back and has taken 8 extra pills over a 2 1/2 day period, on top of his normal dosage. On top of this, he drinks more than an average amount of beer while he is taking this medication. Plus, the dr. put him on a new med., supposedly because his BP was slightly elevated. Around 4:30 today, I noticed that he was starting to slur his words, walk slowly and had no rational pattern of thought. He refused to acknowledge anything that I was noticing and kept acting like nothing was wrong. Well, I just lot it. I was so infuriated that he was being so irresponsible and had such lack of self control yet again. He even left the house while I was in another room with the kids and didn't say anything at 9:00 at night. He claimed that he drove his car 4 houses down to see if a neighbor friend was home...that makes no sense...you can walk or use the cell phone. Before he left, I watched him shave very slowly...everything took three times as long, he was knocking things over, and then when he came back in from being gone, he shaved again. When I said something he gave me this blank look and then eventually made up something about missing some spots. In addition, several weeks ago he took two of my boys over to a friends house to swim and about 2 1/2 hours later, they drove his car home. He was totally out of it and blamed it on the meds. I was so embarrased. All in all, I just am not willing to travel this road with him. I have talked to him over and over about these issues and how they are affecting our family. I am basically numb to him and his needs at this point because of all of the problems that we've had. I have no respect for him and take everything he says with a grain of salt. I am so frustrated as to why a 40 year old man acts this way. He refuses to change his behavior for anyone, and apparently doesn't see the harm in it. His mom and I have both expressed a lot of concern over his drinking, smoking, and prescription pill problems. I am really ready to throw in the towel, but would be so afraid that if we did divorce that he would become worse without anyone holding him accountable. Most importantly, he would have our boys at times and possibly have these issues while they are with him. My boys are still little and I just wouldn't trust him knowing his history. Above all, my husband is setting such a poor example for my boys. At this point, I would be mortified if they grew up to be like him. I just am lost and don't know what to do here. I know that tomorrow he'll act like nothing happened and say that I'm over reacting. Anything to deflect taking responsibility. He even had the nerve to say, "Well, you're the one that wanted me to go to the dr." I never envisioned that my life would be like this. It's already stressful enough raising three boys and teaching, but then to have to deal with this. I will probably look for a marriage counselor and make an appt., but at this point, I would just be doing it for my kids. I've thought about divorce so much over the last two years, that I feel like that is just what needs to happen.
I guess, what I'm asking is if anyone has any experience with this type of situation or can give some advice. By no means do I want anyone to think that I am pretending to be perfect. I acknowledge when I have issues, but in this relationship, I feel like I've always been the very responsible, Type A person, while my husband is the complete opposite.
I'm not really updating the "what happened", but I wanted to clarify what I feel might be a misperception due to my wording in some parts. When my husband left the house, he DID NOT leave with the kids. I was in another room with my kids and he went out back to smoke. When I noticed that he had not come back in, I looked out front and noticed his car was gone. If he had gone anywhere with my kids like that, I would have completely flipped out and probably called the police. Also, the day that he took 2 of my boys swimming, the 8 year old did not drive him home. My friends and one of their parents drove him home. Just wanted to clear that up.
I have been there and done that and I highly recommend finding an Al Anon group and giving it a fair chance. These groups are wonderful for support and you would be amazed how many others are in the same boat--I was. There are also groups for children and teenagers to help them sort thru things and help them realize they are not the only ones living with these kinds of issues but more importantly that this is not "normal".
Take the boys and leave - by allowing him to drive around with them, you are endangering their lives. Look at him and know that your boys will grow up to be just like him - as far as they know, you support that behavior. They will also grow up to treat their family exactly like he is treating theirs (you and them). Document what he is doing, film it if you can and then take him to court. They will either rule that he has to take drug screens before seeing the boys, go to rehab or go through kids exchange where he is supervised - in other words, the courts will make sure they are safe and I am sure that is what you want. Then put the boys in counseling. If you do decide to stay, forget marriage counseling - everyone needs to go to counseling, you all are adults - it is the children that are suffering the most whether you see it or not. Just know that everything you see and feel, the children see and feel also in their own way (be prepared for the counselor to alert Child Protective Services though if she finds out that he is abusing drugs and alcohol and driving the children around). By taking them to counseling, the boys will know that you all recognize that everything is not OK and your husbands behavior will be discussed without them thinking that it is normal or a secret - it will be their saving grace.
Good Luck!
Sounds like addiction. Call his dr and let him know and suggest AA to your husband, and then try alanon for yourself. There's a really good chance his behavior will get much uglier, try and take care of yourself.
Ditto, to all that has already been said. Your husband has an addictive personality. There is nothing you can do to "fix" him, he will need to find the strength from within to do something about this on his own. He will need to seek help.
I come from a family of alcoholics and drug abusers. It was very frightening and stressful to grow up around them. I did not know at the time that this was unusual, till I started playing at other homes and realized they had such different households. My mom finally saw that things were not going to get better unless she were to have my father leave. It was hard, but we were so much better without the chaos.
My father has totally turned his life around and we are very proud of him, but it took him a long time to realize, this was HIS problem, not everybody else.
You are the mom and you need to protect your boys. I will assure you this behavior will continue and it will get worse. Your husband will not admit to any of his behaviors, because he is in denial. I was also going to also suggest video taping him when he is under the influence.
His physician needs to be notified that your husband is abusing his medication by not taking it properly and drinking while taking these medications. Just call the office and speak with the nurse so that they can handle it on their side. Then I suggest you get someone close to your husband to help you speak with your husband about leaving your household till he can get himself into a program to help himself.
You must protect your children.
This is tough love, but I promise, this is not going to get better, till your husband can take ownership of his illness. Please also take care of yourself. Ask for help. Asking for help is a gift you give to others by allowing them to help. You know how much you love to help others? Well others are the same. Honor them by telling them you need them.
Do not let anyone blame you for this. I have read your past posts and this has been going on in all sorts of ways for a long time.You have been trying to keep him together, but that is not your job if he is not willing to admit he has this disease.
I am sending you strength. Please know that I am thinking of you. Any mom of 3 boys and a teacher, has my respect.
B.,
I am amazed by your strength, I don't know how you have manged all of this and teaching and a 2 yr old.
First, definitely find some help with the kids so you can go to AlAnon. If you are not yet ready to go public with this they have closed and open meetings. Closed are only for those involved with alcohol/drug addiction, open are for those who are or are not involved with alcohol/drug addicts and are looking for information. YOu don't have to speak until you are ready at either of them. At least make the call. Someone who has been there will answer or call you back soon. Talking to someone who has walked this walk will be so helpful.
RE: husband. I don't know why he was given xanax, it doesn't help with depression and often only makes it worse. Often alcoholics are depresives and are helped by anti-depressant medication. However, we are where we are. You have a husband who has been on xanax for a year. He cannot go off it cold turkey. He will need a medically managed withdrawal. By all means video his performance. Get the doctor to see it (he will be worried about malpractice about now). Tell husband you will notify pharmacies as I am sure he will then go to a new doc.(btw, I don;t think you can do that.) By now, he will have all the symptoms so the new doc won't be fooled. He will need treatment. If he doesn't want to spend for the treatment, the only outpatient way to do it is to reduce the am't of xanax by 25%, per week until zero. They often put it in a cocktail of juice so the addict is unaware of the am't of reduction. He can go get his daily or twice daily dose at the doctor's office so you are not in charge of that.
He can continue to drink and escalate his xanax use and that often ends in death, either due to injury or aspirating on one's own vomit. Neither ideal outcomes.
Bottom line: these kids have only you, so take care of yourself. And say this to yourself as many times as necessary, "THIS IS NOT MY FAULT". He chose someone who could be manipulated into caring more for him than he cares for himself. Don't continue down this very dangerous path.
Good luck.
K.
Wow - I'm not sure what to say except I think you're a very strong woman. Based on what you've said, I have a lot of respect for the type of life you want, no demand, for you and your sons. I admire that and look up to you. I can't say that I've had these problems with my husband, although I can admit that we are so far from perfect. Because of that, I can't offer any advice except to tell you that I believe your thoughts for the boys are in the right place and you have a right to expect him to be the husband you married and the father he promised to be when your first son was born.
Hang in there! You have a lot of support on this board and I believe you'll make the right decision for your family!!
Take care, N. (mother of 2 daughters ages 22 mo and 3 mo)
First of all I am really sorry you are going through something so difficult. From your post, it sounds like while your husband was high he got behind the wheel of a car with your kids. That is so not ok or acceptable on any level. I think that separation is definitely warranted for those kids sake at this point, whether or not you go the divorce route, separating to clear your head and give him some room to figure out what he is going to do would probably be a good thing. If he will attend an AA meeting that would be great, but if he won't you can't make him. I agree that you are hurt from all this and really need some time to work on you but right now I see the situation with the kids as a real issue. If you do decide to go ahead and pursue divorce, you can fight for supervised visitation by addressing his addiction. That way your boys can see their dad, but he can't put them in harms way. I really hope he decides to get sober and that your family can function well and everyone can at least have a relationship but having kids around an addict is no fun and I am sure that living with one as an adult isn't either. I was the kid in the situation and my mom got us out and I really thank her for it today. I have no ill will toward my dad, but he was a real mess. My mom did attend Alanon for years and I attended Alateen when I was old enough. We learned a lot of good stuff but found that the best thing we could do was hold onto Jesus, the Word of God and let Him heal our hearts. I wish you all the best, hang in there, you will get through all this. I will pray for you and your family:)
B., Im updating to my response.......I just read your clarity of your request, I am Sorry, I am one of the ones (dont know who else did) that did misinterpreted what you were saying about who drove the car home the day he took them swimming, there fore I am deleting My response, you have read it by now anyway and that's all that was needed. Good luck in whatever road you choose & I truly wish you & YOUR FAMILY the best!
Hi, I am sorry to hear of your problems with your hubby and HIS problems. Two quick suggestions.....call his Dr and tell him what is going on. Problem is if that Dr cuts him off, he'll find another one and if he does and keeps getting the Xanax, call THAT Dr. The second suggestion is to stage a professional intervention to get him into rehab. You can google that and find someone close by. Xanax are very easy to get addicted to and hard to get off of by yourself. You can't just stop. Have to be weaned off them. I would say divorce would be a last resort IF you love him and want it to work, but if you do decide to divorce him, start gathering proof of his actions (document EVERYTHING), dosages, witness reports of his behavior, (if he's that "out of it " at times, you might can even video tape his behavior on the sly), anything you can think of and ask the court to either deny visitation until he's proven he's clean (they'll do drug tests) or that he can only have supervised visitation with the kids. I wish you the best of luck and by the way, this comes from personal experience in our family, so I understand how hard it is.
B., thank you for clearing up the few things that we could easily mis-understand, that helps us give you the advice you are asking for.
I am so sorry that you are going through this, and I want to say that it is wonderful that you are putting your children first.
As far as your marriage to your husband, it sounds like it has been over for you for a long time. I am not in favor of divorce, but I do believe that there are times when it is the answer.
I think you have every right to want him to straighten up and be a good father to your sons, and he should also be a good husband to you. It's so unfortunate when there are prescription drugs involved and it goes bad. Drugs meant to help, get mis-used and the next thing you know , it is a bad situation.
Have you thought about giving him an ultimatum? Clean up your act..."OR" I am leaving and taking the kids with me? I would suggest a separation.You do need to get him away from your boys at this point. As far as being worried that he will get worse if you don't monitor him, I have news for you....You are not responsible for him, he is a grown man...he's just not acting like one. You might call a rehab place and get info for him, and offer it to him, but I think he has to be willing and turn himself into treatment. Unless he is considered insane or a threat to himself or society, they cannot force him into rehab.
I hope that you find the courage to do what you need to do, to do what is right for you and your boys, you will find that it is right for him too. as you are helping to enable him by keeping him there, monitoring him, and trying to fix him. Only he can decide to get help. I hope that he does, and I hope that it all works out and you find the man you once loved and respected. To be very honest, once you lose respect, it is very hard to get it back! I lost respect for my first husband, we ended up divorced, and I never regained my respect for him.I wish you well, I wish you wisdom and courage and decision making abilities! Blessings, S.
I can't imagine what you're going through. Life is hard enough without all of this. I have a couple of things to throw at you. First, it's not just your husband's behavior affecting your sons, it's yours. They are learning through your actions that either all of this is o.k, or Daddy is a horrible person and you are the weak one for putting up with it (none is true but they see more than we can imagine!!) Your boys- especially your older one - are going to start feeling responsible for you and protective over you. That's not a childhood.
Second, it sounds like your husband is an addict. You need to start using the word. It certainly doesn't excuse any of his behavior, but it does explain it. You are enabling him. I'm not sure how to go about it, but could you ask his psychologist if it's possible to put him on a 72 hour hold? It definitely seems that he is a danger to himself and others.
Lastly, your husband is not the only one who needs help. You need to get therapy for yourself and your sons. You are all going through a tremendous amount and you all need to know how not to repeat this pattern in your futures. If therapy is not an option you could try an ALANON meeting. It's for family and friends of addicts. I have a friend who went after he left his addict girlfriend. I would bet you would find alot of other people who have been in very similar situations.
Best of luck to you. I hope you can find the strength for you and your sons.
Save the marriage counselor for later. He needs rehab sweetie. He is placing himself and your children in danger. If you have family/friends maybe an intervention might help (doesn't sound like it). I'd call and make an appointment to see his doctor. Tell the doctor what's going on and see if there is any way he could help get your husband into a rehab program. My last suggestion is drastic but I work in an ER so I see it happen. When he's overmedicated and is out of it call an ambulance for overdose. They'll take him in and possibly admit him to psych.
how many more signs do you need before he gets in the car with the kids and gets them killed??? i'm sorry but you need to be strong and leave him...maybe divorce is too strong right now but let him hit rock bottom without you... he needs help. and he will realize it without you. if not today, then maybe in the future. you can't keep exposing the kids to his destructive personality. then they will end up like him after all.
My heart goes out to you B.. I also have three boys and feel that my marriage could have become like yours. That age of 40 came up with me expecting some wild behavior but glad it turned out to be mild.
I apologize that I haven't read your entire story; I skipped to the bottom line. One thing I have watched with great concern is how much I have enabled irresponsible behavior from my husband. If he has always taken out the garbage when it's full, taking it out for him can give him the impression that it is okay if he doesn't do what is expected. This is just a tiny example, compared to your big problems.
I just noticed your note about hearing "well, it was you who suggested going to the doctor" and, believe me, your reply should be something like "I suggested a doctor for xyz problem, NOT for such a change in personality!"
Have you talked to his doctor? Does this doctor know what behavior you are seeing at home? I sure don't get the picture that this doctor is doing his job!
On the opposite note, I have had my sister divorce her husband (years ago, now) when my niece was 2 or 3-yrs-old, because it was a danger to their child to leave her in his care! and because he became addicted to back pain medicine and became quite an "animal", even to hurting her (my sister). Years later, (seven years now) my sister remarried with a very wonderful man.
Best of luck to you and I pray your kids stay safe.
I'm very sorry for you, B.. You need to get your boys away from this situation. I think you definitley need a separation. Whether it's you taking the boys and leave or having him leave. Just because you separate doesn't mean divorce. If it does come to that, due to your husband's history...he will very unlikely be able to see the boys without being supervised.
I listen to a christian radio station called K-Love. John and Sherry from the morning show have gone through something very similar it sounds like. I think your husband needs to get help, but he can only get it when he's ready to. In the meantime, for the safety of your children and yourself, you need to be separated from him. I will keep you and your family in my prayers! Good luck! It feels like your are in a bad storm right now, but try to give it to God...pray and ask for his guidance. He will steer you in thr right path. All you have to do is ask and you will receive! Hang in there, B.! You are doing all the right things!!!
You gotten a lot of really great advice so far. And both for staying and working it out and for leaving. Both are very valid...I am gonna twist some things up here.
Your husband's addiction is not YOUR or your kid's fault. If he refuses to seek help after you confront him then it is NOT your responsiblity to get him to help... You have heard the term "you can lead a horse to water..."
Addicts often need to hit "rock bottom" (a level only they can know) before getting themselves out of it. They are also, ultimately responsible for getting themselves clean and sober. This means that they have to WANT to get clean and sober for whatever reason, they have to WANT it. Otherwise, once they are sober and everyone is "happy" they will find sneakier ways to begin again.
If you want to protect you and your sons you have to determine how much and from where you want to be part of your husband's cleaning up process. If he doesn't have you and his mom to be accountable to he may see his life is falling apart and get help or he may spiral down faster. Either way, THAT part of it is not somethign you should feel the need to do something about. Your FIRST priority should be your and your sons safety in the situation.
Personally, if I felt I still loved him and wanted to make an effort to work through, it I would put a time limit that I felt my personal health and Safety resources could handle. Then I would WRITE down what it would take to make me say "enough is enough, I AM DONE". Once you have done that for your own personal sanity make sure you stick to it.
Then write down all of the things you are going to take away from him one at a time. Start with his alone time with the boys. He has already compromised their safety once, do not allow it to happen a second time. Tell him he is not longer allowed to go anywhere with just him and the boys because you cannot trust him to get himself and them home safely on his own. Stand FIRM on this point no matter what he says to you or how hard he makes it. Talk to your boys and tell them that daddy is ill and doesn't often know what's best right now and that they are not to go ANYWHERE with him unless you or a trusted adult is with them.
Seek FAMILY counseling. Things are highly likely to get worse long before they start to get better.
If none of this is something you are willing to put yourself or your boys through LEAVE HIM!!! Do not feel guilty about it in the least (I know, easier said than done). Regardless of you sending him to the doctor in the first place, HE is responsible for misusing the meds NOT YOU.
I sincerely hope that you and your boys fair well in all of this and am truly sorry for your issues. I will share with you that I am married to a recovering alcohol AND drug abuser. For the last 6.5 years things have been fine, but our lives are getting ready to DRASTICALLY change and my fear is that when things are tough on us he will revert to his addictions. So, I don't have the current experiences you are going through, but I live witht he threat of it. I have a list like the above. I just hope if it comes to it, I am strong enough to do what is needed for MY KIDS sake.
Good Luck!!! ;-)
I have some experience with losing someone to prescription drugs. After about a long 10 year struggle my cousin (and best friend) died last August due to his addiction to prescription drugs. He was an educated and extremely talented person. The addiction happened gradually, but he would never confront it and never really reached the "rock bottom" point that most people get to before they go into rehab. He had a couple of medical scares but they weren't serious enough to scare him into changing his life. I wish that there was something I could have done to push it, but when I would try he would just hang up on me or tell me to leave. A few months would go by until he got past being angry with me. He would seem more alert and like he was better, but the cycle would start over. Unfortunately, since he was an adult I could not force him into any sort of program. When he was in the hospital he could leave at any time. They couldn't hold him if he wasn't suicidal or charged with a crime (possession). He was a master at hiding his pills and some of his stashes were found when we were going through things after his death. My point is that continuing like you are is doing no one any good. Your husband will not change anything as long as you continue to live with him in his current state. He has no real incentive to change. He can't see his problem the same way that you do. If he ignores your pleas for him to get help...then leave. Your children should not be around their father, who is a role-model (granted not a great one at this point), and see him deteriorate. I'm not saying to divorce him, necessarily. Maybe try a separation (if you think there is anyway you could see a future with him again) and see what a lawyer can do about your husband's interaction with your kids. You may have to report his addiction and let him see what it's like to have supervised visitation with his kids. It won't be a great situation, but it may force him to realize what he has done to himself. Then again...it may not.
When it comes to my children I would do anything to protect them. I did not let them be around my cousin when he was "high" on his pills. In fact he hadn't seen them in over a year and a half (they are only 2 and 4, so he had very little time with them). He was so excited when I was pregnant and seemed better at that point. He had planned to do so many wonderful and fun things with them. The person he was before the drugs could be so much fun. But, he would always go back to using. I hated that they didn't get to see him often. However, I would rather they didn't remember much about him, than be confused about what they did remember.
Just know that this may be a family problem, but the family can't force a man to do anything. He has to want to change. There could have been some enabling going on (there usually is), but ultimately he is the one using. We put up with so much from my cousin than we should have. We let him get away with so much...I feel like there could have been something I could have done, but I'm not sure what it was. There are always those "should haves" and could haves". No matter what I had or had not done, he still had to be willing to work on fixing himself. He wasn't.
No matter what...you cannot put yourself and your children at risk by going on the way things are. He may not intentionally hurt them, but an accident could happen. Why take the risk? He should not be left to supervise them alone and should not drive them...ever. You have to be responsible for your children first right now. They are not adults, cannot take care of themselves and deserve your protection.
B.:
I feel for you as I know EXACTLY how you feel, the frustration, anger, despair and uncertainty. I fought this problem for 4 years with my EX husband. He finally was taking so much Xanax that he didn't even realize it had been almost 2 years since we had been intimate! TWO YEARS?! What MAN goes that long???? But, he COULDN'T b/c of the meds.
You have to worry about you and your three kids....the kids are the most important.....When I threw him out, the dr wouldn't give him anymore Xanax either.....so he tried to go to a psychologist.....it was a month long wait....he ended up in the ER with withdrawal symptoms. And, they put him on a step-down program to wean him off of it. AND, I didn't go with him....I told him that I was taking care of the children I gave birth to and that he would have to figure out a way to grow up on his own....he actually kicked it....it's amazing what divorce will do to a person....of course he thought that if he did that then I would let him come back but it was too much....there had been too much over the years....and too many broken promises.
One thing you can do if you want him to realize how slurred and unstable he becomes is video tape him.....either with your camera or with your phone.....then when he "sobers up" the next day.....show it too him....you cannot reason with a "drunk" (whether it's pills, booze, or whatever) while they are in that state...... I have two friends that literally got into a FIST FIGHT.....they have been friends for over 30 years....but one of them got drunk and the other one was trying to keep her from getting hurt.... the one trying to be the "grown up" ended up bruised up, banged up and complete with a black eye and all she did was try to keep the drunk one from hurting her. When the next day came and the drunk one saw what she did to the other one, she burst into tears and swore she would never drink again. Time will tell on that one, but I am just trying to illustrate that you cannot reason with someone once they are in the altered state....
I wish you good luck and be strong..... BOYS LOVE THEIR MOMS! They will be strong with you..... whichever way it goes......
B., I think you are going to get alot of advice on this issue....Your husband is an addict, plain and simple. This post made me so sad for you, and your boys. My dad was an alcholic (I am a BAD speller) and so are my 3 brothers. We grew up with a dad how did many things like your husband. And now I see my brothers repeating the pattern. You have to do what is best for you and your boys. if that means ending a 10 year marriage then that is something you have to decide. I am sorry for your situation and I will keep you and your boys in my prayers,
Have you tried talking to his Dr. about how he is doing? Surely he would be able to talk to him or just not give him any more meds. Either way you have to watch out for you and your babies. No matter what else he might say you need to take care of the boys and you big time. Will be praying for you and your family and please let us know how you are doing.
Take a deep breath...be honest ..your husband is an addict...his habit comes first...nothing else matters...first stop protecting him...if pulls an incidence ..be honest.. Admit to yourself and others that he is an addict...he is endangering your children physically and mentally....you can not protect them every minute of the day..if the word gets out, hopefully if the children are out with him alone and he using and abusing ...others will protect and assist your children... C.
Seek medical advice now before it is to late and by all means make sure he is insured. What type of work does your husband do? This could be a source of his behavior, stress from the job and the anixety he is having. Forty years old drinking and taking medicine, there maybe other medical issues that he is not telling you about. Go with him to the doctor and he may get mad with you, but go into the doctor office with him and tell the doctor of his behavior. I know this for a fact,when things are wrong, the man try to push you away. My husband did the same thing until I had to take him to the hospital, by then it was too late and had very little insurance, and passed away. Don't wait till it to late for you.
B.,
I sent you a message to your personal file.
I could almost tell your story as it was mine. My now ex still thinks things are never his fault and accepts very little responsibility for his actions. He would get off work and start drinking and by the time he got home he was already lit. As he got in the door he would throw away the tall boy beer and get a high ball glass and commence to fill it 3/4 full of alcohol. Then his rant turned on me. The name calling and terrible things he said were nonstop. Thank goodness my daughter was asleep by the time he got home so she couldnt' hear him. She was an infant but he failed to realize that they sense tension and affects them.
He kept telling me that I had the problem, that I needed to go on Prozac, that I was a whirling dervish (he has no idea what that is), etc. What he was doing was projecting his issues onto me and trying to get me to accept his problems. I would have none of it. THAT make him crazy. The problem was his drinking and probably drugs. The look in his eyes was frightening.
Eventually the fights escalated because I couldn't just stand around and have him belittle me constantly. One evening it came to a head and I got the brunt of it with a swift kick in the ribs while I was on the ground where he threw me.
I too felt like you. I did not want my daughter to grow up in a house like that. It scared me that she would see that behavior and think that was normal. I had to do something to protect her and me but I did something too late. For me anyway.
Since my ex never took a high level interest in his own child while we were together, that continued while we were apart. Luckily he doesn't have her much now but i worry every time. More so now. We were visited by CPS because of an incident he had while with his girlfriend. Again, he takes no responsiblity for what went on and says he's not involved, yet he was the one there. he's the one who destroyed her property even though the girlfriend made him mad. That is the story my daughter is sticking to. She thinks it's okay that Daddy busted up some of the girlfriend's property because the Girlfriend made him mad. Crazy.
I've tried to get supervised visits but to no avail. I can't prove that he is unfit to have her overnight even though he has a pending DWI, has two police reports involving the girlfriend, he admits to riding with her on his motorcycle with no helmet, etc.
I'm there with you. i understand your story. Good thing you have his mom's support. Seek advice from an attorney. My ex is in his 50s and doing this nonsense. They have no idea how detrimental to the kids their behavior is. The kids desperately want to please Daddy and if they see Daddy acting terribly towards Mommy or other women then that's what they take with them into their teenage years and beyond.
One thing you cannot do is say negative things about your husband in front of the kids. Ever. That will come back to haunt you.
I'm rambling as I'm trying to do this at work.
As I said in the beginning, this story could be mine. In your case, maybe having him leave the house or you taking the kids and leaving might be what straightens him out. It didn't work in my case, but then I wasn't going back after I was physically abused. I hope it doesn't get to that with you.
Good luck. I've been divorced for about 5 years now. I still cringe when he takes my daughter as you just never know what he's going to do. One thing for sure though is that my daughter and I don't have to live in that terrible situation day in and day out.
momma you have to put him into a detox rehab now. he has no choice i know theres alot of excuses to use job money house...its nothing compaired to his life your life and your chrildens lives. your marriage will thank you for it. it will be hell but this too will come to pass. God bless your family, marriage and husband.
Ok lets keep this simple. 17 years! 10 of it you have been married! DIVORCE should not just be the simple way out--it is not waht you think it is anyway. You have kids and you will not relly get away from him till they are grown and not even then will you--ok. He is addicted--learn about addiction. Learn about how you inable him to stay addicted or how you do not. Go to al-anon--it is for you and your family. Do not give up on him--re is really addicted. In sickness or health--you said 10 years ago. You meant it right? Teach your children that you stay together through this. No they do not need to be like him but they could be on the path to do so. Get them in teen al-anon too. Find this through AA or NA. This will help you deal with him and his issues. All that you have said in your email question are true in ALL addictions. He may not see he has a problem--so you learn waht you need to do for you and your kids through al-anon.
It sounds like an intervention is in order. I feel for you and your situation. THis is the worst in the for better or for worse part of your vows. I am not one for staying together for the kids, but I am also not one for throwing in the towel without trying anything and everything first. Will your DH be going to the councellor with you? To me it seems pointless to go without him.
Sorry I cannot offer more. Addiction and depression are terribly hard to deal with. So hard for your boys to see.
Good Luck with whatever you decide.
Next time he has one of the times that he is knocking things over etc. call 911. He could have had a stroke with high blood pressure this is possible. It would also answer some of the other problems. while the meds could be an addiction but it could also be OCD. He need to be seen by a Dr. and checked for these things.
Join Al-Anon, it can help. Meetings are free and confidential. To find a group near you check out:
http://www.texas-al-anon.org/
Hi B.,
Bless you. you certainly do have a challenge before you. I am sure you have lots of good advice. First, I would be absolutely sure there is not some underlying medical reason for this behavior.....obviously your husband is ill and possibly has a mental illness. I would want to be sure the dr has looked at every single possibility and is not just prescribing the meds because it is the easy thing to do.....marriage counseling is not the answer unless you both are working thru this and from what you say he would not be very willing. I hate to see marriages break up and the family unit be destroyed, but if it were me- and i was blamed for all the dysfunctional issues of the marriage and home I would "fix it" by making a home for myself and the children as soon as possible.
You are right to be concerned for your children. for their protection I would not let them "leave" with him or be in his car if I were not sure he was free of meds and not drinking.
If you were to leave for the mental health of yourself, your self esteeme and the safety of your children he may come to his senses try to "clean up" . I am sure you will have the support of his Mom and other family members who have seem his behavior...but if not you need to do what is in the best interest of your children. You have the capacity to support yourself and your children and your first priority is to protect them and create a good atmosphere for them to be in.
I hope you do not think this is too harsh but my heart goes out to you and your family. I have experienced something similiar with one of my children( a grown man of 54) now, and I know how it can destroy a family.
Let hubby know you love him, your vows were taken with honesty and sincerety but the your mental health is important for your job and the nourishment of your children and if he wants to be a part of your life he will get the help he needs .
My prayers are with you.
god Bless you and yours
B., For the sake of yourself and your children, call Alanon and go to a meeting today. Find a babysitter for your kids and go. You need support from others who have been there. You can't change your husband or make him seek help, but as a mother, you can take care of yourself and your kids. Good luck.
Good morning B. D,
I am so sorry u r having to go thru this problem....Unfortunately, I haven't had this problem therefore, I can't give u any advise....but since he's in total denial about the way he's been acting while he's on his meds....what if u video tape him or get a voice recorder and just record ur conversations w/him so that when he's in a good state of mind u can show him why u r so concerned about him....maybe that will open his eyes a little....B., I could only imagine what ur living and I wish u all the best in ur marriage....take care
