Attention for Second Child

My kids are 5 years apart, so while the first one was Kindergarten (and is now in 1st grade) I get quality time with my little one. It's perfect! :) But then again they are not close in age and cannot be true playmates...that's not so perfect. Honestly, I think it is very very good for children to not be the center of anyone's world. It teaches them how to be more patient, be better at sharing, and that they are not the little dictator of the household! It is perfectly fine to be ignored sometimes.

The first child probably requires more attention because he's so much more active and also used to having all the attention. I have heard that it's best to try and give the older child a lot of attention because it's so much harder on baby #1 than baby #2, who doesn't know any better. My two kids are close together in age, I feel like I'm always bringing the younger baby to all the older child's activities. The younger baby (18 mo.) is still very happy and it's all he knows, even though he may not being getting the same amount of attention as my first he still gets plenty!

My daughter was twenty months old when we began raising my niece who was weeks shy of three.

Oh boy, what a transition. Two only-child toddlers, one of whom was dealing with trauma and loss. Hah, hah, hah, we've only just come out the other side (one year later)! But they're great now (much happier, stronger, more confident, more connected, more loved, more loving, better balanced, etc.).

IMHO, it's important that kids learn that their needs are no more or less important than than other people's. I think it's possible to do that no matter the number of kid/s a person has, but is often a natural consequence of having sibling groups (generalization, not an absolute).

My kids have Daddy/Mommy dates where they get to have a special activity with each of us. That way, they do get their special time with us. That can look like one going to the zoo and the other for a hike, one going to a movie and the other to the beach, or one reading a book while the other helps make dinner.

They also teach, help and entertain each other, which is really neat. My daughter was much more socially and physically courageous than my niece. She got to teach and comfort my niece. My niece saw my daughter climb the ladder at the park, for example, so she (after some time and encouragement) learned to climb the ladder. My daughter would sit in my girlfriend's lap and give hugs, and eventually my niece learned that too.

Now it's sometimes reversed. My niece has lost her fear of water and my daughter is learning to "go under" by example. My niece loves giving goodbye hugs and to play dragon with her friends, so my daughter has learned to role play along side her.

My niece also "does letters" with my daughter and will walk her through a book, the alphabet, or numbers. They get A LOT of special one on one time with each other. Their gifts are different, and they gain from sharing their gifts with the other.

Right now, my daughter is napping and my niece is outside throwing a stick for our dog. Once I'm finished with this post, we'll go draw and hop on our chalk alphabet. One on one time, voila!

They also learn that neither get's their way, all the time. One night, one of them will get to read two of their favorite books, and the next the other does. sometimes they get to each wear their favorite dress, or eat their favorite food, other times neither/both/the other does. We get to learn to share, get excited for someone else's happiness, and to negotiate our upsets around each other.

Children do not need 100% attention to develop well and normally. Some would actually argue that doing so, can actually hinder their progress.

I think all of us feel this way when the second is on the way (or potentially so). Technically, you can't give all of your attention to both kids. HOWEVER, you will love them both just as much. AND the benefits of learning from a sibling far outweigh the temporary concerns about time spent. They learn to be more independent and empathetic at an earlier age. As they grow they have a playmate (or argue-mate...on some days). I can't imagine life without either of them!!!

Your attention to your son will be different than the attention you give to your new baby, but that's all right. I had four children and I don't think any of them were ignored. They were such neat little people that I was delighted to give them attention, individually and as a group.

You'll want your boy to help you with the new baby in the ways that a big brother can help. But there will be times he wants to go be a big boy by himself, and you'll have lots of time with your new one. In addition, the new baby will learn a lot from his/her big brother, and that's terrific.

One thing you can do when you find out that Baby #2 is on the way is to discuss with your husband ways that you each can have individual time with each child - and time for the two of you to spend together, with a sitter (or Grandma) taking care of the young ones. Those are very important things, and they need to be planned.

In our house adding a second was easy. No, she didn't get as much attention, but she also didn't demand it. She didn't cry as much as our first, and was content to sleep without being held for the first four months. She was also perfectly happy to lay on her playmat and bat at the toys while I read book or played trucks with her brother.
Our first absolutely fell in love with her the moment she was born, and instead of our worlds revolving around him, he learned to expand his world to (sometimes) revolve around her. He loved dancing around in front of her or singing her songs to make her smile and laugh. So in that sense, they both got more attention than they were before, it just wasn't coming from me.
They are still best buddies three years later, and have such a rich relationship. He is teaching her to read and she has gotten him interested in puzzles. I hear them giggling with each other when they are supposed to be cleaning their rooms, and they make up dance routines and then call me in the room to watch.
I have also learned that my kids don't need all of my attention all of the time, my daughter is able to figure things out better than my son partly because I wasn't always available to help with things (she is also easier going and doesn't let stuff frustrate her like my son did). It turned out to be a good thing for me (and my children) to learn to let others soothe and hold her when I was busy with my preschool aged child, or to let other discipline or play with my son when I was spending time nursing or napping with the baby.
Striking a balance between two kids is totally do-able and so worth the effort in my family. They have each other, and watching them develop their friendship is really the most delightful part of my job as their mom!

It's like learning how to drive. No one can TELL you how far to turn the wheel or how hard to push the brake - it's all by feeling.

There will be days when your older one needs more attention, so the baby may get a little less. Likewise, when the baby needs you more, your older child gets a little less. I have 3 children within 4 years of each other, the youngest being 6 months. It's more about *quality* of time, than quantity. Sure, my older two may not have my undivided attention right now because baby is starting solids, teething and just had a round of immunizations, but when they do need me I'm *there* for them, not just present in the room.

Like someone else else said, you give them different attention. With my first, she was all I had, so I carried her around a lot in my arms(I did have a carrier but didn't use it as much as I did later with my son), taught her a lot of things and when she was 2 and a half i had her brother. The major thing that changed in her life, was that she was still nursing round the clock and I night weaned her a few days before he was born, so i wouldn't be up all night with two. As for the rest, yes it was different. Instead of carrying my son around a lot, I put him in a carrier on my body, and I was able to continue doing everything with my daughter and still focus attention on my son. He did not get ignored but became very curious about everything from his vantage point at my level. Once he became mobile, things were difficult for a short period before he was old enough to play with my daughter, but that stage passed, and now they play great together most of the time. He never got the one on one like she had, but she never had the advantage of watching an older sibling and following them. My son learned a lot of things quicker than my daughter did, from watching her. So even though I spent more one on one time with her, he benefited in a way she didn't get. So they each get something out of it. It isn't the same but there are benefits for both kids. Your second child will not be ignored. For the time before they are mobile get a baby carrier(my son was huge so he was able to be on my back before 6 weeks old). You will find you can pretty much do everything you did with your older child before without ignoring your second child(i often talked to him as I was doing something with my daughter, explaining what we were doing and he loved to watch and became very interactive as he gained mobility). When the second gets mobile, you won't be able to ignore them as that is when they are getting into big siblings things, and it is a time I took to spend time reading a lot to them both, and had to find activities they both could do. Often it was a similar activity but modified for the younger one. It passed fairly quickly and they discovered play together and my life got much easier. I could let them play together and get things done knowing they were both happy and entertained and I didn't need to be there. I suppose that happens with an only child that they reach an age of independence and play alone, and both my kids can do that throughout the day, but I just love seeing them play together. Both my kids are really smart, and I don't see a lot of difference in their learning. I spend time teaching them together. I started teaching my daughter to read while my son was napping, but when he turned 3 i started teaching him too. It goes slower with him but my 5 yo works on her handwriting or math while I work on reading with him. So the older child becomes more independent too as they get older and you can supervise things with them while focusing your attention primarily on the younger child. So basically try not to worry to much about it, and get a good baby carrier for the first few months.

Statistically, both first children and only children have higher IQ's because of all the one-on-one adult attention and stimulation they get in their first year or two. That doesn't mean that second children can't also be bright, well-adjusted, and satisfied with the attention they get.

Reality has a way of messing with worries like yours, though. A second child is sometimes much more demanding or needy that the first (or vice-versa), and in any situation where there is only so much attention to go around, the squeakiest wheel gets the grease. A baby who needs mommy is pretty well equipped to get mommy's attention, and the techniques for doing so increase with the child's age and experience. In my birth family, it was daughter #3 who was the demanding child. I was eldest, and #2 and I were placid enough to be put on semi-permanent hold for the rest of our lives at home. So your concerns are not without some substance.

Before you conceive, I have two strong reading recommendations for you (and I'm sure there are other great books, as well). Siblings Without Rivalry, by Faber and Mazlish, is said to be brilliant and practical (as a mom of an only, I've never read that one). And Nurture Shock, by Bronson and Merriman, talk about actual studies of sibling behavior in a most eye-opening way (and other surprising topics, as well). These books should help prepare you to make the best of your years as parents of one, two, or more children.

I have kids two years apart in age, and they've both developed really well. My son (the second one) is six, he started reading when he was only four, learned his ABCs at three, etc. He developed just as well as my daughter, just differently. It's my opinion that kids do really well when you let them entertain themselves sometimes; and as long as you try your best to balance your attention between the two of them, they will be fine. And though my son did not get my undivided attention all of the time, he did get lots of love from his sister and now they play together a lot.

There are lots of activities you can do with your two-year-old that will also be good for a new baby; we always read to our daughter with our son around, sang songs with both of them, etc. I don't think they necessarily need a lot of one-on-one attention in order to develop well, and it's also good for both of them to have a sibling around (for example, they learn a lot about conflict-resolution :-) Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

I had the fear also but you really just figure it out when it happens. If you want another child I think the spacing your thinking is great. Your oldest will have fun feeling like a big helper when baby gets here. You just have to make sure you spend "big boy" time with your oldest, the attention to the second will be happen. If this is the only thing holding you back then I think you have everything else pretty figured out. Just go with your heart and the rest will work out.

I used to worry about that a lot, but I found it hasn't seemed to happen like I was worried it would. Like our older child(ren) don't ever feel jealous or act like they are replaced. Here are some things that we have done in hopes of making them all feel included:

- Include the children in caring for the new baby. If I need a diaper or wetwipes, I use my "big girl" to help mommy. She is now mommy's helper. Of course, if she doesn't want to, I don't make her. It's just to help her feel like she has a place and that she belongs. I'll also let them choose a blanket or clothes for the baby (even if it doesn't match). My kids love doing this. Since I have a few of them old enough to help, I sometimes have to think of lots of things so they can all feel like they are part of helping.

- I let the other ones sit by me as much as possible. Usually it's the 2nd to the youngest that needs to do this the most. They become my little buddy and wherever I go, they follow. They seem fine that I have a baby in my lap most of the time, and they are content perching right next to me and snuggling with my arm.

- My hubby steps up and puts a lot more of his time and energy on the older ones, especially the second youngest who is no longer the youngest. He makes sure they feel very involved as they transition. If I need a break, he takes them and plays with them. He doesn't put a lot of effort taking care of the baby (when they are really young, the baby mostly wants mom anyway, and my hubby seems to prefer to put his energy into making older kids feel involved). He still holds the baby and is involved that way, but most of his focus is with the older kids.

- We let them each take a turn holding the baby whenever we can. They like to hold her and want to. Often it's easier to tell them no, but I think it's important to let them as often as you can.

Basically I try to involve them in everything I can in a very positive way. If they do anything wrong with the baby (like if the 19 month old hits the baby), I am very careful to not turn the baby into something that upsets the child and makes them resent it. I would teach the toddler how to be soft instead of punishing him/her for hitting (since they don't really mean to be hurting the baby!).

You do have to put focus on making sure you are sharing your time well. My newborns I carry almost all the time. I'm a baby wearer. But I still make sure to get in and spend time with the other kids. There is an adjustment and there is a division of time, but it just means you need to do more group things instead of one on one. Kids don't need one on one nearly as much as it might seem. My kids love being together as a group as we spend time with them.

Anyway, I think if you put a lot of thought into it, you'll be fine. Keep interactions with the baby as positive as you can. I actually found having two to be much easier than one, especially once baby #2 was old enough to be a playmate. The fact that your son will be close to three years old should make it pretty doable. He'll be able to be quite helpful to you, and if he sees how much you love the baby, he'll feel similarly (especially if you don't use the baby negatively towards him to make him resent the baby).

I was so worried when baby #4 came that child #3 was going to be jealous. It just seemed to be part of her personality. But she wasn't at all. I was shocked! She was a very eager helper at 22 months, though. She took her job very seriously when I needed a diaper or bum cream. It's definitely worth it. Like I mentioned, two kids was easier than one, especially once you're past the baby stage. It's fun to see them as playmates and best friends:-) Definitely worth it! Oh, and I know some boys seem to care less about new babies than girls might, but my son was not like that. He adores each new baby we have and is the sweetest little guy with them. He has seemed just as interested and excited as my girls.

Good luck!

My boys are 2 and 4 1/2. And it's actually opposite, because the younger one requires much more attention. In order to give special attention to my oldest one he gets to be the helper, teacher for his older brother and special "dates" with mom and dad or one of us, so he can have all of our attention. He will also go over to Grandma's by himself so she can spoil him and only him. Then when he goes to grandma's, I give special attention to the little one. It works out really well and I don't think that either one gets a lack of attention. My husband and I also try to spend one on one with both by ourselves individually. It works itself out, i promise.

I can't say I did it on purpose, but I handled it by having kids 10 years apart.
My daughter had begged me for years for a baby brother or sister and due to health issues, it was an impossibility.
So I thought.
It couldn't have worked out more perfectly. There was no jealousy. My daughter fawned over her little brother.
Mine was an unusual case but I wouldn't change it for anything.
I know lots of people with kids close together. Some of the kids do fine and some don't like having a new sibling at all.
Sometimes the first kid gets slighted because of the new baby.
I personally think 3 or 4 years apart is good. If a new baby comes sooner, you manage.

Just my opinion.

Well you are both correct and incorrect...I still look at my kids and think that sometimes I give the first one, or at least gave the first one, more attention...but then the minute changes. It's really hard, but as they grow and develop so do their needs. One who gets more attention now will get less in a month and so on and so on. As far as the older child, I only think it is a blessing to get a sibling. There may be rivalry at times, but ultimately, a brother or sister is a pal and an ally and I couldn't imagine life without at least one! My daughter was overjoyed with the addition of her brother and seeing them together makes me realize it is all worth it!

That's a hard one for me. I have two ages 1 and 3. I was so worried about this myself. My first child was so easy going and a very happy child. my second on the other hand hasn't been so easy. I do worry that in my efforts to keep my 1 1/2 yr old happy that my 3 1/2 is getting put on the back burner. It's a balancing act. I try to give both the equal attention but some days are harder with my little one. But to make sure that my 3 yr old is getting the attention she needs I utilize the time my 1 yr old is napping for one on one time for her. We read books, have snacks, and play games together. As long as she's getting her special time with me she's fine. While they are both awake it is true that my youngest has most of the attention just because she is more needy. It'll work itself out as they get older and can do more things on their own.

S., I completely understand what you mean, and unfortunately that's the guilt I've struggled with the past year. I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. This past year with the 2nd baby has been much harder than I expected, and yes, the 2nd baby doesn't get as much time and attention that I was able to give the 1st baby during her 1st year. My first baby I was reading to all the time and "educating" her, etc. I do worry about the detrimental effect this could have, or may be no effect at all.

The 2nd baby gets a bit more independent time, even though she is probably clinger than the 1st was, and she's not necessarily happy about it. We have many days of lots of crying.

That's another thing, when both are crying, who do you go to? Ugg, it can make me want to pull my hair out when both are screaming...

But you know what, I'm now starting to see them play together and that lights up my day. I hope they grow up being close, since they're close in age (and both girls). The, for lack of a better word, "neglect" the 2nd baby has had to endure will not be remembered by her, nor hopefully by me.

Best of luck. It's hard. My 2nd baby wasn't the "easy going baby" that everyone else seemed to have...