Awkwardness with Step-son

Okay this is a rather strange story but really what did the boy do wrong? They are not related he apparently was attracted to her and I guess since she did nothing she was attracted to him. Then they broke up and you all cast him away. I am actually more concerned for his mental well being than that of your daughters. He didn't do anything wrong, it isn't wrong to be attracted to girls that are not related to you yet he was punished and your daughter was let off with nothing. That is a really strange message to send to either of them.

Has it occurred it is your reaction and not the act that is causing your younger daughter stress. Perhaps she is attracted to him who knows.

I just read your what happened: After reading that YOU are the problem, not your step son. Your younger daughter's therapist said he should not come into the house because of what she said. Here is why it is wrong, your younger daughter has been manipulated into believing he is dangerous by YOUR words and actions. You are causing your entire family this grief all because of some distorted view of reality. You need help!!! If I could contact your husband I would tell him to leave you for the sake of the relationship with his son which was unfairly damaged by you. That is not the actions of a loving wife or caring step mom. You took your daughter's side to the extreme.

Just because you had the power to completely remove her ex boyfriend from the situation to make life easier on her doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. You were wrong, you need to make it right! What was done to that boy was soooo wrong and that you continue to blame him and say his father is wrong, in denial, and embarrassed is way wrong! He is not any of those things. In the cold light of day he has realized just how wrong the actions you pushed on him were!

It sounds like two thirteen year olds made some bad choices. One made a bad choice first and the other was a willing participant... Which mean she made bad choices too. Then one of the children was kicked out of the house. And the other didn't have consequences.

Maybe I'm reading it wrong but it sure sounds like you're blaming your stepson a bit unfairly. And why would your younger daughter be worried about your step son? A thirteen year old messing around with another isn't a child molester. It's a kid who made a bad choice.

I may have interpreted you wrong, so if so, I apologize. I read this as you saying your 13 your old step son made a first move on your 13 year old daughter. Together, they continued with "inappropriate touching" for 2 years before they broke it off. Two years after that you find out and kick him out. Was he really doing this against her will? If not, why is he the one getting kicked out and made to stay away from his father? If this "inappropriate" behavior was committed with mutual consent, why is he the bad guy and your daughter the innocent? They were the same age. One should not just assume he was an aggressor and she a victim. If this was mutual, I feel bad for the boy.

You are in a tough spot, as is your husband. He stood up for your daughter and kicked his son out but it's his son so naturally he wants to have him around. Your younger daughter definately feels weird because she knows both what he did was wrong and she was the one who told. If he's never made inappropiate advances towards the younger daughter, I think you should allow your stepson in your home when you or your husband can supervise any/all interaction between him and your daughter or schedule it for when your daughter isn't there.

You don't say how old any of the children were when this happened or how old they are now...I do think that makes a difference. As does, the circumstances...did he iniate and then they had an ongoing relationship? Did he force something on her? Threaten her? Has your stepson been in therapy, shown remorse, etc?

That being said, the mom in me screams "I wouldn't want him around my daughter" but the parent in me understands your husband "but he's my son".

Sounds like your whole family needs to be in counseling. I have mixed feelings about this and I know I come across insensative and I certainly don't want to. Did anyone talk to the son? What was his side of the story? I am struggling with this one so I can't imagine what ya'll went through. This is just sad all the way around. You don't mention the ages of the kids when this happened and how old they are now. My heart goes out to you and your family. Seek counseling immediately.

Your Husband needs Counseling.
That step-son needs Therapy.

NEVER should that boy be around your children/daughter or any child.

What was done about it, legally?
Is everything documented?

Your Husband is in denial.

Your step-son has NOT... owned up to his 'crime.' Nor does he take responsibility for it.
That is not good.
And, there is NO conclusive evidence, that he has changed.
Things like this... do not just go away.

I would not let him back in my house.

you say she didnt "stop it until she was 15"...that statement makes it sound as if it was consensual and when they broke up she was angry and wanted to get him in trouble. Do you know for certain he was molesting or raping her? did she seem upset when he came for his visits? was there changes in her bahavior, outbursts, tantrums, fights etc, anything indicitive of her being molested?

I dont mean to blow off the situation, I was molested by my stepsister from the time I was 5 until 7 so I know the horrors of things like that. It is just somewhat unclear in your explination.

and regardless of what happened, that is his son, and as a mom you should know that the love we have for our children know no boundaries, he of course would not like what happened but that is his child as well and of course he misses him. so I dont think you should be upset by your husband wanting to see his child. good luck with everything.

I am unclear by your post whether this was consensual between them or not. That would be a big factor. If he molested your daughter, then no way should he be around your other daughter. If it was consensual even if he started the advances, then that's a tricky but different situation.

I think that your husband needs to find other ways to visit with his son right now. You say your daughter is already in counseling, so bring it up there. At present, this is her full time or most of the time home, but not his, correct? Then she needs to feel safe in her home.

It may also be time for family therapy.

Hi S.,

I can't imagine how difficult this situation is for everyone involved. I was molested by my brother when I was 10 years old and he was 14. It took me 3 years to tell my parents about it. It sounds like your daughter was the victim and it is good you have taken the steps to help her heal. However, your step-son was also a child. How long should he have to pay for this? You need to forgive him. It took me many years and a lot of life experience to forgive my brother but it's possible. Everyone's reactions to the situation sound very understandable. But you must work through this to heal your family.

Hello,

Lee P from Uniontown hit it on the mark. You need to begin mending the relationships and removing the shame, guilt and anger from all parties. It is fixable, but it's going to be work.

S.: no one is to blame......what you do next to move your family forward as a loving, supportive and forgiving family is up to you and is more important that what has happened. You need to begin forgiving yourself and everyone else......

S.

I understand where you're coming from, but my heart also goes out to your stepson. To be ostracized from the family for some consenual touching that happened when he was 13 years old, is really hard. You don't say whether he told him she didn't want it to continue. If so, then I have to agree with you - he shouldn't be around. BUT if she didn't tell him that she didn't like it and that she wanted it to stop, then you can't blame a 13 year old boy for not instintually knowing that she doesn't want it to happen. It sounds like a very dysfunctional situation!

I can't imagine how tough this must be for you and your family. It is unfortunate that this happened but it's time to put it behind you all of you. This happened 6 years ago. No more blame game. Talk to you husband about a game plan to get all the kids together. A game night or mini golf. I know you can't force counseling on your older daughter but you can still help your younger daughter. Things are only going to get worse between you and your husband if his son is no longer included. Do you really want him to go through the rest of his life feeling like he has no family/they're ashamed of him? If your daughter never said no, there's a chance he didn't think he was doing anything wrong.

That poor kid. Forgive the boy for what he did when he was 13 and stop absolving your daughter of any responsibility. This was not child molesting, this was 2 kids messing around. One person responded that he should never be around your child or any child ever - what?! Are you crazy? He was a teenager doing teenage things with another teenager. I know you don't want to believe that your daughter might have had sexual feelings and maybe consented up this, but it looks like she did and now it looks like rather than being manipulated that she is the one doing the manipulating by making it all his fault and playing the victim.

You need to forgive this kid and apologize to him for overreacting and kicking him out of his home. If you don't, then YOU will be the one responsible for destroying your family, not him. Grow up. Stop being a victim and stop teaching your daughter how to be a victim. It will not serve her well in life.