Need Advice on How to Tell About Molestation

There isn't a nice way to tell anyone this for one thing. In all likelihood, she probably won't believe it. Even if she does, she may blame her daughter. This tears apart families. My own father would never acknowledge what he did to me. My brother has been very cool and unloving toward me for all my adult life and has also never acknowledged what he did to me. My father molested my mothers younger sister long before he molested me. The family didn't believe her and for many years she was the black sheep of the family and stayed away.

I'm not saying to tell or not to tell. But just know that it does divide families and sometimes they never find their way back to a good place.

DON'T say anything until the wedding is over. Don't ruin it.
That will cause a huge mess.
I personally don't think you should be the one to tell your sister.
She is going to be in shock, disbelief, she is going to be angry at somebody....and it will be you.
She won't believe a thing you say unless she hears it from her daughter anyway.
Even then, she might not believe it.
At least not at first.
If my sister came to me and said that my daughter had been molested by my husband, but my daughter had never said a word to me, I would be floored and I would be on my phone to my daughter immediately. What you had to say would be the end of it. I'd need to hear it from her.
Your neice is 22 years old.
She needs to get through her wedding with as little drama as possible.
She needs to talk to her mom when she's ready.
If she can't tell her mom herself, it sounds to me like she's not ready.
Her mom will have a thousand questions.
I would suggest your niece get into counseling as time provides and work on the right time and the right way knowing that she's done some work to be strong enough to handle her mother's reaction.
She's not a minor, CPS isn't going to get involved.
Your niece needs to get help herself and then form a game plan.
I don't think you should say a single word until she's done that.

You know what might hit the fan and she needs to be ready.
I don't think it's your place to say anything beyond advising her to get some help first.

JMO.

Please, please do not be the one to tell your sister. Even being present with your niece, it is her experience to relay. You may be putting yourself and unknowingly, both your niece and sister in a very strange position. You can be a support for your niece and sister, but this situation is going to get extremely complicated with complex emotions. Disbelief, horror, later shame and still disbelief.

Even couching it in terms of "your husband" squarely lays the responsibility at her feet. "The man you chose to marry..." is what she may hear.

Please think about the repercussions of this discussion on all parties. Is there any way your niece can consult a therapist before she decides to tell her mom? Is she prepared? Do you know that molestation can have two traumas?: 1. the first betrayal 2. the family's response. She needs to be prepared. If she wants you to tell her mom speaks volumes about her preparedness. Please reconsider your position in this!

This is your niece's story to tell. Be with her but she must take the control back and be the one to say the words. She will feel enpowered. She also needs to talk to her fiance if she hasn't already. Your sister's reaction may be one of denial. Be there for your niece. She is the one who was violated by a trusted adult figure. My heart goes out to her. Another concern is has he done this to other members of the family? If he molested her between specific ages, my guess is that he likes them at that time and I would suspect she isn't the first. She needs counseling as well as her husband.

Does she even want this man at her wedding? If not, she can tell her mom before the wedding but then all this drama will be going on at the wedding. At this time, its all about your niece and what she feels comfortable with. Good luck. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm sorry - in this case - YOU DO NOT, it is your niece's responsibility to tell her mother about this...you can be there for her when she decides to tell her but the story is not yours to tell.

I'm sickened that someone who was supposed to love and take care of her betrayed her in such an extreme manner...

There will be NO EASY way to say this. There will be collateral damage - but it MUST be told...what if he's molesting other people?

I don't know which state your sister lives in or where the molestation took place, but I would check state laws and find out what the statute of limitations is as she should press charges.

I pray to God this man is NOT walking her down the isle...that would make my skin crawl.

I'm not sure why it has taken her 6 years to tell you or anyone...it was NOT her fault. She should have counseling to help her realize and deal with the fact that it was NOT her fault.

Your niece really needs to be the one to tell. It's her story, not yours.

If anything, I would have said that I would accompany her when she tells to make her feel more supported, but I wouldn't be the one to tell . If anything you are their to help both of them deal with this. I would also suggest family counseling.

I agree with SingleMa.

I want to add that you should not tell her without your niece being present. You don't know first hand what happened. If you tell, by yourself, the situation can become even more complicated than it is already. It becomes a matter of the mother believing you or not and you were not involved then and shouldn't take the blame for bringing this to light. Your niece is an adult and needs to shoulder the responsibility of telling her mother. You're there for support for both your sister and your niece.

First -- someone on this board said too much time has passed to take legal action. That is not in fact true. Each state has its own laws - in California it is 8 years "passed the age of majority (18 years)" -- in Alaska it is 30 years. You/she should check the laws in your state.

I agree with everyone who has posted -- your niece needs to tell your sister herself (after the wedding). You say "she agreed to tell her mom" -- well then let her. If she wants you to be there for her then be there as support. But it definitely needs to be from the horses mouth. Your sister may be in denial and you will simply not have the facts to make this stick. It will only draw a wedge between you and your sister if it comes from you.

Your niece could definitely use some therapy to help her through this (as will your sister). Will this man walk have to walk down the aisle at her wedding ? What nightmare for her. Totally understand however why she doesn't want to make this the focus before the wedding. But she will need to discuss this with her husband as well -- as he will be a part of the drama that will undoubtedly ensue.

But it is essential that this man not be allowed to harm any other children .

I would just tell her. Unless you say your a bad mom, you suck, then it isn't going to be not nice. It will hurt any way you angle it because her husband betrayed her trust and is basically a pedophile. It will hurt her, but it's not your fault and it's not your niece's fault... it's that stepdad's fault for doing such a horrid thing. Hold your head up and just tell her that "niece's name" wants me to tell you something because she is afraid and doesn't want to hurt you. "nieces name" has told me recently that when she was 10-14 years old "stepdad's name" molested her.

I would especially do it b/c her siblings may have endured it or if there are kids around the house he could have done or do it to them.

<hugs> to you and your niece. So nasty people can even think to do those things.

Well, you be there for her and be there with her.
When, you both, say this to your sister, in person.
I also wonder, how your niece's new Husband, will digest this info.
Since 'you' are the only one she has told.

I also wonder, if perhaps, your Niece's other siblings... were molested too.
It is not, uncommon.

I also, suggest to you, that no matter what you hear from your sister or whatever the drama/scenario is that unfolds... you also may 'see' a new not pleasing side, to your Sister. And/or of your Brother in Law.
So, be prepared for that.
But then, who... will you support?
Your sister or your Niece... who was molested???
Because... a battle may, ensue. And unfold. As this news, breaks loose in your family.

I really feel, for your niece.
It is a nightmare to have to have lived with. ALL this time. And she even tried to protect her Mom.
Her's... was being raped/molested, over the course, of YEARS. Not only once. It was, between the ages.. of 10-14.
That is FOUR years, of being molested.

I was raped once, by a person I knew.
THAT was hell.
Can you imagine, what your Niece, went through??? ALL those years?

Again, as this unfolds, in your family... be prepared to stick up... for whatever is right. And for your Niece.
The 'ugly' side to people... will come out, at times like this.
Or maybe not.
Typically, they will say that you or your Niece are lying.
Or they will claim ignorance.
Be prepared... for knowing where you stand... and for her.

What a terrible situation. I have to agree with the moms who said it would be best for your niece to tell her mother HERSELF, after the wedding of course. I don't think it would be a problem if you were there when she tells her as support for both your niece and your sister, but this kind of news is probably best heard from the horse's mouth, so to speak. It may be scary, but your niece probably needs to be the one your sister hears this from. This news will most likely change your sister's life, and your niece's as well. I think you should support your niece and encourage her and guide her to talk to her mother, but I personally would let HER do the talking.

When I imagine sitting at the table with my sister and my daughter and my sister breaking this kind of news to me instead of my grown daughter, I'm doubly hurt that my daughter didn't feel she could confide in me, not to mention all the guilt I would feel about my husband's just revealed pedophilia. I know it's possible your sister would not react the same as me, but put yourself in your sister's shoes for just a moment. I know you want to help your niece, but you don't want to alienate your sister in the process. The step-dad is the monster here. Not your sister. She too is a victim and while she will not bear the physical and emotional scars of your niece, your sister's pain and guilt will be very real and probably very hard to bear.

Once this information is revealed, it's likely everyone will need professional counseling to deal with such a traumatic situation. I feel terrible for what your niece endured, but I also feel deeply for what your sister is about to endure. Please be kind and think about the benefits of letting this news come directly from your niece, with your presence as support. Good luck to you all.

Blessings,
N.

Your niece and ANY grandchildren or other children around need to be protected much more than anyone's feelings on the matter.

Sit down privately, you, your sister and your niece and simply say, "I know this may be hard to hear, but (niece) has something she has waited a very long time to say, that between teh ages of 10-14 her step father molested her on many occasions"

Also, make sure you state that any other adults need to be warned to go over molestation safety to make sure it hasn't happened or won't happen to them. If there are ANY questions, then cps should certainly be called. Your niece can't file anything legal because too much time has passed, but legal steps need to be taken if other victims are around, which most likely, there are.

She will be hurt no matter what, but sooner rather than later is best. See if you can go a few days before or stay a few days after and speak with her. You will have to make it separate from the wedding or the day will be ruined with this news. Is the stepdad going to be there?? What does she plan on doing legally?? She still has legal rights and it would be good for her to at least report it so the man has it on his record. GL

M

First I want to say that I am so sorry that your neice had to endure such a terrible thing for so long. Second I am so glad she has you. You must really mean a lot to her to finally come to you and tell you something so drastic. I would talk to your sister face to face with your niece present. Only she knows exactly what happened. Your sister will probably be upset at the news but hopefully not at your daughter. It will be good to have you there as a buffer for both your sister and niece. Good luck!!

Sometimes you have to be direct and can't sugar coat things. But you can at least warn her you need to discuss something serious and make sure you have a comfortable place to talk, plenty of time and won't be disturbed. It is possible she might deny it or just need time to process. It is also possible it will put a lot of stress on family relationships. But it is necessary to speak up ASAP if there are still children in this home. Be prepared to contact CPS as a last resort if other children in the family are being abused ( I say this as a former CPS worker).

You are doing a good thing supporting your niece. But if she is really struggling with this issue she may need help from someone familiar with this issue like a counselor or a support group (especially if you feel overwhelmed or don't know how to help her).

.

There is no "nice" way to tell her this. It is a terrible piece of information, and she is going to be hurt by it no matter how you tell her. How about, "I feel terrible having to tell you this but..."

It sounds like you and your niece have a good plan. Go for it and good luck. Hopefully your niece will be believed. And I agree, she needs to be the one to tell it. It's her story, and empowering for her to say it.

I am relieved for your niece that she was able to reveal this information. I would suggest counseling for her. She is getting married and that will impact her relationship with her husband. It has been a burden on her shoulders that she needs to come to terms with. I believe she has probably stuffed it deep down in her subconscious. Yep don't say anything until after the weddding. If she were still a minor I'd be going to her mother straight away but she is an adult now so she needs to be the one to say something.