Baby Shower Etiquette - East Sandwich,MA

I had a great baby shower for my first child and being in a really tight financial position all of the gifts really helped me prepare. Just the same I don't plan on having one for my second. I have to admit that I side with having one shower no matter how matter children you have. More specifically I feel that a full blown shower with lots of gifts and registry is only for the first. I do, however, believe that all newborns should be be celebrated and that the event should be shared with friends and family. Personally, I'd go with a smaller event after the baby is born to welcome her home and, as others have already recommended, tell those who ask what you could really use.
I would happily give a welcoming but as someone on a really tight budget I would feel uncomfortable having to buy gifts for a friends second or third shower as well. Then again I could always decline the invitation.
Congratulations and best of luck!!

Absolutely! I had one for my 2nd too--my sister pointed out that a shower is partly for "stuff" but mostly to celebrate the coming baby. Therefore, all babies should be celebrated, not just the first! My sister threw me a baby "sprinkle" since I didn't need a "shower" of gifts the 2nd time! Everybody loves a party! Enjoy and congrats!!

P.S. I had to edit my response once I read some of the other women's awful responses. I don't think we shouldn't give our opinion when asked but doing so in a supportive way (vs. judgmental) should be REQUIRED. This is not a debate board. On their behalf, I apologize to you that some people have such insecurity and unresolved issues in their lives that they feel the need to lash out at others.

Anyway, I would also like to add that if the whole purpose of a shower was to get other people to fund our supplies, than the whole concept of even a first shower is "rude" and "greedy"! But that's not the intent--its to celebrate that a whole unique life is about to join us and therefore should be honored. And go ahead and register for what you need. I have never looked at a registry and thought "how dare she"--I buy what I can and leave the rest. Afterwards, you then have a reminder list of what's left to get!

And to everyone else who reads this--please remember the purpose of Mamasource, a place to support each other. We all get beat up in other places in our lives. Leave your personal issues there and don't publicly ridicule fellow moms who make themselves vulnerable.

Have you thought of having a Blessingway (also called Mother Blessing) celebration instead? It's an alternative to the baby shower where your transition into motherhood and the right of passage of birth are honored. It's all about mothering you and preparing you for the upcoming birth, and not about buying things for the baby. Usually, there is a request for gifts from the heart only -- sometimes even with a specific request -- storied of motherhood to be put together into a book, a bead symbolizing a wish for the baby to string on a necklace for you to wear at the birth, a square to be sewn into an afgan or quilt for the baby -- you get the idea. You can either get a close friend or your mom to throw one for you, or many people will also help you plan one and facilitate it (I do this sometimes -- you can check out my website at www.birthinawareness.com) but you definitely do not need to hire me or anyone else to do this for you. They tend to be deeply meaningful and emotional, much more so than a shower.

Good luck, and congratulations!

Hi J.,
I had a shower with my first. I had three boys and then a girl and I STILL didn't feel comfortable having a shower with her. It really is a lot to ask of people. When I was pregnant with my daughter my mother-in-law wanted me to register for things that I needed and if people wanted to buy something then they could. I did not do this because I still was not even comfortable with that. The truth is people will think it's really just a lot to ask and a little bit tacky. They will act like it's a great idea, but no doubt there will be people who will think it's greedy. It's just not something that friends and family will be honest about. Bless your mom. She's just being a typical Grandma who is proud of her daughter, but please take the advice of the women on here. Most of us have been there or, more importantly, been on the other side of it. To help with the expenses check out craigslist or go to garage sales. You can really get a lot of good stuff for really cheap money. Good luck and enjoy your little girl:)

J.,

To tell you the truth, I do not think you should have a second shower. I think maybe if immediate family members want to get you big ticket items thats fine, its family. But not a second shower. You really need to get your own girl clothes. You will probably get gifts from people who visit you anyway.

D.

Its my understanding that a shower is for the baby.

Celebrate the fact you are welcoming a little girl to your family!! You will need different things for your daughter than you now have. I would definitely make it a girl themed shower.

If you are uncomfortable registering for items (especially the big ticket items) THEN DON'T DO IT. Politely accept the items given to you and if you can't use them or don't like them return them to the store and purchase the things you do like/need. Nobody will be the wiser.

congratulations and enjoy your little girl

People only should have one shower and it is rude to have more then that unless of course there is a surprise baby later on in life like my folks who had my sister 8 yesars after having me. I'm sorry but if you want two suck it up and deal w/ the expense of the double stroller besides most of your friends and family will probably get a gift for when you have her.

Hi J.,
I'm so sorry you've had some rude responses. I say if your mom wants to celebrate the upcoming birth of her granddaughter, call it a shower or something else, let her. I wouldn't register either, and maybe let her handle giving guests ideas as far as what to get you, if they ask.

I had a shower for our second child and it was even a second boy :-) A bunch of friends surprised me with one so I didn't even have a chance to worry about any of it (is it tactful, is it not, good etiquette, bad etiquette...etc., etc.) I got a lot of gift cards to target (which was great, because they they all added up and allowed me to get a breast pump, which I wouldn't have purchased otherwise) and a bunch of my husband's coworkers went together on a swing and a car seat. Of course, I realize how blessed I have to have such wonderful friends...

I would have never asked for a 2nd shower, but it was wonderful to have one nonetheless :-) It's definitely not something you should expect anyone to do for you, but if your mom wants to, by all means, let her !!!!

Congrats on your little girl !

Hi J.- I've had a few friends that we've thrown little "get togethers" for with the second- especially if it is a girl when you had a boy first time around. We kept it small and did something specific- like bought all girl clothes...I think it could be awkward to have a second full blown shower... We just had our second and wanted a double jogger- we did not register, but waited until some close family members asked if we needed/wanted anything for the baby- we told them that that is what we really wanted (a double BOB- my fav stroller company!) and they gave us money towards it...I would say have your mom keep it small and gender specific to avoid awkwardness w/ the relatives- but hey- it also depends on the relatives- if they all seem cool with doing another shower why not?!!!

Wow, you really got attacked with this one. It's not your fault someone wants to throw you a shower so, don't consider yourself greedy.
I do think it's inappropriate to register for big ticket items. Most stuff you can borrow and for something like a stroller just let your mom know which one you'd like and if anyone asks her she can have them contribute to a stroller fund or something.
Keep it small and only invite family or friends that would have bought you something anyway (I'm sure you know who they are). Keep it very casual and even say it's just a girly celebration but, gifts are NOT necessary.

You shouldn't expect anything big from friends and if you really feel yucky about the situation just don't do it because cahnces are you'll feel bad on the day of the shower too and no one will have a good time.
Good Luck

It is my opinion that you have a shower with your first baby only. That might change if you had a very, very large gap between your first and your second. My friend had her second child 14 years after her first, and she had a second baby shower as she had saved nothing. Second baby was kind of a surprise.

I think it is a blessing that your Mum wants to give you a little girl baby shower.
Dont know that I have ever seen it carved in stone that a woman is entitled to ONLY one baby shower in her life time.
Of course register what you need. You may not get everything but I am sure you will receive enough to get by and be able to make up for the rest.
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

After having 3 daughters, we found out we were having a boy. I did not expect a shower since he was our forth child. My mom and sister planned a small "boy shower" at my mom's home without my knowledge. They only invited my aunts, cousins and a couple of very close friends - probably about 12 people total. They did not invite relatives from my husband's side or co-workers.... My mom was uncertain about having it but when she talked to a few of my cousins - they thought it was a great idea. I did need a couple of higher priced items (after 3 already using them - they were worn out)- that my mother, sister, sister-in-law and best friend purchased. The other guests brought small BLUE items to welcome our son.
So I do not think registering again is appropriate - but having a small "girl" shower with just those closest to you would be ok.
Congratualations

What about a birth 'blessing way'?...the emphasis is not on the traditional gift giving but rather on offering blessings to mom, baby, and family. One website to check out is www.blessingwaybook.com, or google it for more ideas. Congratulations!

Hi, J..

I would say that a small get together would be okay, but I wouldn't register for anything. A registry can imply that gifts are expected and change the tone of the event. Congratulations on your new baby.

There is NOTHING wrong with a second shower at all. It would be wrong to ask, or expect one, but if someone offers, GO FOR IT! Especially when your second is a different sex, you need different things. I would try and keep it more low key than a first baby, maybe less people.. but don't feel bad about what some other moms said. Yes, matter of opinion, but it's an old-fashioned way of thinking. With they way money is now-a-days, don't feel bad about getting every little bit of help you can! By the way, if your friends and family are complaining about buying you gifts for your celebrations, then they're not your friends. I am 22 years old and appalled by they way some of these (supposedly older, more mature)mothers on here think they can say whatever they'd like. Ignore them, they're just jealous that you have a caring family and loving friends! Congrats on #2 by the way ;-)

I have friends who are having a Baby Sprinkle for someone having thier second baby rather than a full shower. I'm not really sure what the difference is but I think it's cute.

As far as double strollers go I have a 2 1/2 year old and one more on the way. I just ordered the Phil and Ted sport stroller from Mod Mama in Providence. It's a great combination of a jogger and a double stroller in one. All of the reviews that I read raved about it and it's so much easier to manuever than the standard sit and standard sit and stand strollers. It's not cheap but I think you'll get a lot of use out of it, and the one stroller might be less than buying a jogger and a standard double stroller.

I do think some people are being way rude with their responses for this. You were asking their opinion on it and instead you get called greedy. As far as the shower, I would do as some other nicer people suggested, have a small get together with close family and close friends. You may even want to consider throwing it after the baby is born....that way its less of a shower and more of an introduction to the family party, and more people would be thrilled to buy the new baby something!! I don't think you should really register specifically for it, but instead let your mom write on the invites to ask if they need suggestions. You can also ask your loved ones that would typically buy you a Mother's day or birthday present (if you are having one before the baby), that you would prefer gift cards at a particular store so that you can purchase those big ticketed items. If you were having a baby 5 - 10 years later than the first, I would say a regular shower would be fine, but seeing it is closer than that and maybe planned (not sure if it was), that you should keep it small and simple. I hope that helps.

I love baby showers, and I don't see why they should be reserved for the first. I didn't have a baby shower for my first baby at all, so it was really nice when a friend threw me a shower for baby #2. I've been to showers for baby #3, baby #5, it's just a fun way to celebrate a new life and I don't feel like there's pressure to buy a big gift.

You could register for the big things you need, but just leave the registry card out of the invitations to avoid offending people. They can always ask your mom or you if you are registered somewhere if they want to know...

Wow. I'm a little surprised by the responses here. I have been to many, many showers for babies that are not the first. I was not resentful at all. I never heard anyone complain about going to a shower for a second (or third) baby. (Maybe it's different because it was mostly navy families who were away from extended family, but still...) My only issue has been what to give -- I was once invited to a shower for a fourth child. I was happy to go and happy to buy a gift, but I had no clue what to give her that she didn't already have. I decided on a gift certificate for a manicure/pedicure -- I figured she would need some pampering!! =) But that won't be a problem for your shower -- LOTS of fun girl things to choose from!

I believe an invitation to a shower, is just that... an invitation. It's not an obligation. If people feel it's too much, they don't have to come. I used to have issues with registering. ( I didn't even register for my wedding.) But when I'm at a loss for what to give, I love being able to turn to a registry. Again.... it's not mandatory. They are still free to give what they choose -- or to give nothing.

Also, showers are hosted by someone else. Someone else is inviting the person to the shower, not you. YOU are not asking for anything. I really like the idea of having the shower after the baby's born. That way they can all see the baby, too.

BTW - Emily Post (and others) say that it is never wrong to have a baby shower. A baby shower is more than gifts. It's the celebration of a new life.

Wow I am so sorry for some of the responses you are getting. I dont think there is anything wrong with having a 2nd baby shower for your girl. I would go to a baby shower just to get out of the house without the kids.

Hi J.,

I have four kids, and only had a real "shower" with my first. But when I was pregnant with my second, my immediate family (mother, mother-in-law, sisters and sisters-in-law) surprised me with a brunch at a nice restaurant. I thought I was just going out with my mom and so it was really fun to see the others there. They all brought gifts, but smaller things, like baby clothes and handmade items like blankets. When my sister-in-law was pregnant with baby #2 we did the same thing. It's a nice alternative to having a second shower, and I think the immediate family doesn't mind showering you with a few more things! I'm not sure that I would ever register for a second baby. I'm sure that "word of mouth" would suffice for letting people know that you are in need of a few bigger items. We did buy most of those bigger types of items for ourselves, since we felt like our "time in the spotlight" was over. I really appreciated the small gathering that my mother and mother-in-law organized.

Best of luck with your growing family!

While I agree with the posters who say that another shower is a little off-putting to friends, here's another suggestion. We didn't have a shower with either of my kids because I was just a little too superstitious. We did have a "baby welcoming" party for both, though. We figured everyone would rather meet the baby then hang around with pregnant me anyway. I think that a party after your daughter is born is totally appropriate, and people can decide whether or not they want to bring gifts, since, unlike a shower, the point isn't really about getting new stuff. I wouldn't register for anything, but of course tell your mom or best friend the few "big ticket" items that you are interested in. Then they'll have an answer to give if someone asks what you would like. I, like you, wanted a sit n stand and a couple other things I didn't have the first time around. My aunts, uncles, and grandparents (plus parents and in-laws) took care of those things, and I didn't feel like I was putting my friends out asking for gifts. Good luck with number 2!

All though you mom is well intentioned, remember she loves you and is excited about your up coming birth. Your friends and family do not share the same love and will not be thrilled to purchase another gift or pitch in for a big ticket item. Not to mention killing an afternoon watching you open gifts you don't deserve.
Lets face it, in the last five years they all went to your bridal shower then your wedding then your 1st baby shower, how many gave you another gift for the birth? No one will complain to you, they will be polite. Don't do it again!

There are three years beteen my son and daughter and I had a sit and stand stoller and only used it once. My son wanted to walk on his own and was uncomfortable sitting or standing. As far as the jogging stroller goes my friend has a four year old and two year old and they don't fit in the stroller anymore. Last spring and summer i walked with my daughter and son. My daughter was in the carriage and son walked next to me. So it's hard to say. Maybe you can jog with yur daughter and your son can hang out with dad while you run.
As far as the shower I had a small get together after my daughter was born and people brought gifts and got to see the baby. I really didn't need much except girls clothes instead of reusing all my boy stuff. If you feel awkward havinga another shower because your children are close in age maybe you can borrow a few items from friends. I borrowed a few things - bassinet, bouncy chair, bumbo chair, and jumperoo. Most people buy gifts for the baby after the birth anyway so I don't see it being an issue about having a second shower.

Here's my thoughts on the subject: I work for a store that does baby registries and we see moms almost on a daily basis registering for a baby other than their first. Most do it if they are having a different sex than the first. So I would not feel bad registering. My only thought about having people invited to your shower that may not want to buy something...it's ok. You can always write on the invite that you would appreciate anything for your new baby...new,old,hand-me-downs, or even just advice. Leave it open for those who don't want to buy something. But in no way do I think it's wrong to have a shower for #2. Good luck!!

J. - You asked what people thought of another shower - I think it is rude to have another shower. And to ask for big ticket items. You already had a shower. I think that it is a big mistake to ask for people to get you stuff now for a girl. It is your fault that you got rid of the bouncer and whatever else you got rid of you should have thought about it before you got rid of it. Please don't be greedy with your friends it is extrememly tasteless and very tacky. if money is the issue for you go to a consignment shop - you can find clothes there as well as great used baby stuff. I'm sure there are plently of shop around here that you can find all the stuff that you need with out spending a lot of money. and you will get gifts when people come over to visit you and the baby. That is what people ususally do is send you gifts once they hear you had the baby but have a shower. I'm sorry for the straight forward answer but it is what it is. I hope you find this helpful.

J.,

You've gotten a lot of responses and they've run the gamut. If you go ahead with the shower, the invitees internal responses will probably run the same gamut from supportive to resentful. Hopefully, with most people feeling supportive and all acting supportive.

So, ultimately you'll need to listen to your gut and decide whether to allow your mom to throw you a shower (she sounds like a wonderful mom!) and if so, how elaborate to make it and whether to register, not register, etc.

If you decide not to register, or even if you do register but don't get the big ticket items as gifts, Craig's List Boston always lists jogging strollers, double strollers, bouncers and bassinets, and they're inexpensive. People who post usually include pics so you can assess the condition before you buy.

As someone else suggested, you can also check out consignment stores, like Children's Garden in Brookline (there are several other locations around), Frida Bee in Cambridge, Growing Up in Belmont, etc. There are others. I think Lila Guide lists a bunch of them online.

And friends who are done making babies are often incredibly happy to give you stuff they're done with.

Plus, we've had incredibly great luck with yard sales. We have gotten a Maclaren stroller, a nice Graco stroller, board books in perfect condition, tons of toys, a high end baby backpack for hiking, and other stuff at local yard sales.

Best to you!

D.

Not sure if someone already mentioned this (You got a lot of responses and I don't have time to read them all) but some ideas that I have done with friends having their second children are to do a diaper shower. On the invitte you could mention "no gifts but please bring one pack of diapers for the new baby girl" or a casserole shower where people bring a meal that is or can be frozen. I just had my second and I wish more than anything that I had dinners made in the freezer to me this is much more valuable than any gift.
Good Luck with your baby girl.

Sorry, I know it would be great to have one but I don't think it is appropriate to have another shower if you already had one.

Hi J.,
I think you should have a 2nd shower. And a 3rd and a 4th and one for every other baby you have. Showers are about showering the mom who is about to give birth with love and support. This is a miracle no matter how many times you go through it. I have never been upset at a shower invitation and I don't think most people would be. Enjoy your shower and celebrate the amazing life growing inside of you!

Since you are having a different gender child a 2nd baby shower is okay! I would make it a "girl shower" and as far as the stroller baby trend makes a really good one also look on onestepahead.com. I feel each child is special and deserves everything that the first baby recieved. Hope this helps!!!