Baby's First Zoo Visit Dilemma

I use to feel the same way about a lot of things. I now wish I had the family around to enjoy being with my children and run them around doing things. There will come a time when you get stressed being the only one there to handle the kids running off, or fit throwings. It is a small thing and there will be plenty of bigger first for you to enjoy :)

It makes you feel like you're being selfish because you ARE being selfish. LOL What's the big deal? Why do you feel something magical is going to happen when it's just the three of you there? Just go, welcome everyone, and enjoy the day. and be happy someone is there to hold/watch/entertain the baby if you have to pee.

ETA** Being "selfish" isn't always a bad thing! Right? It just sounds that in this instance, the crew is going, so might as well accept it. To protest is going to MAKE you look REALLY selfish...and petty.

I feel the exact same way! I used to let it go, but I eventually talked to my husband about it, and we made a rule that all of the "firsts" would be done just as a family. Coincidentally, I just took my son to the zoo for the first time a couple days ago, and we didn't invite anyone, and it was great! I don't think it's selfish, but even if it is, I don't care. I love my mother in law very much, she is a great person, but when she is around my kids want nothing to do with me, and sometimes we need to have that special fun time with our kids. We do all the dirty work taking care of them, it's not right that relatives get to hog the special times. It's still fun to spend time with relatives, but they don't need to be around for everything, you deserve special family time!

I think going early is a good compromise, and you can always go again by yourselves in the future. It'll be more fun when your son's older anyway. :-)

Good luck with everything, and I hope you don't get any more mean comments saying that you're selfish!

I don't think you are being slefish because you want alone time - just the three of you. I think there is a definite benefit to going just the three of you - then it's your day and you do what YOU want.

That being said, it looks like your threesome is not going to happen. So just enjoy the day and go on a picnic or something alone another day. And do go early if you want. I think there is nothing wrong with that.

I think its a great idea to go a little early and look around w/ your hubby and son first. They don't even need to know how early you were there.

This is something, that will happen ALL the time, especially if you have pushy In-Laws and overbearing one's.

So, figure out, WITH your Husband, on how to deal with it.
Namely, it means speaking up for yourself and being calm and mature about it so that you have credibility in their eyes.
Yes, you have your own family. This is your child. You have your own traditions/wants/needs for baby. Fine.
But pick your battles.
Because otherwise, every little thing everyday, will be a battle and a point of irritation. ALL the time.

And no, relatives/-In-Laws do not have to be joined at the hip with you.
So, again, you need to figure out how, to assert yourself, and maintaining a balance. And your own construct of what you want for your own family/child.

Your Husband is your Husband.
Not their little boy.
I hope your Husband backs you up.

Again, there will be MANY instances like this.

And by the way, you do NOT have to tell them, EVERYTHING you do with your baby or why. It is not their business. ie: I did not tell my entire family/relatives that I did extended-breastfeeding or co-slept with my kids.
It is none of their business. It is personal and private. A Husband, has to know that too. You do not have to go running, to your parents/in-laws about everything you do with your baby.

Going to bypass the family dynamics for the time being and just say that its extremely important as parents that we (at times) put aside our personal feelings and share our children. They deserve to be allowed a relationship with their relatives and even a first trip to the zoo. The more people to love your child and spend time with him, the better. You will have lots of just the 3 of you time, with all the family in town - though you'd rather go alone (and thats ok too), this first trip with all these people you normally wouldnt get to go with WILL be special. Just remember its not all the time and that it probably would mean a lot to you're partner for his family to spend this time too. Sometimes doing the right thing isn't always what we want to do, but make sure that you don't let your feelings cause you to not enjoy yourself too.

I don't think this is so much about not wanting to share your son's Firsts so much as it is about A.) wanting some alone time with your husband and child and B.) not feeling comfortable setting up boundaries for other people in regard to your own child.

You are perfectly fine in wanting to spend time as your small family unit apart from and in addition to the time you spend with extended friends and family. That time is precious and it's not the same as when you're with other people. It's just not... it's more intimate and the bonding is different.

When it comes to your fears about your in-laws being overbearing in how they take over care of your son and what they do with him... you have to learn to have a strong voice. Be firm but polite and stand your ground on the things that are important to you.

"He's not ready for ice cream yet, SIL... his stomach is just too immature. However I brought him some of his favorite fruit. You can give that to him instead. What? No... I said no ice cream. When he's old enough for ice cream, I'll let you buy him a cone."

"MIL, I love the food you brought, it's delicious. You want to give him what? He's not ready for that. He tried some last week and it gave him a rash. We have to wait a year before he can have it again. How about we give him this instead?"

"MIL, I know you wanted to take M to ___ to see the ___ but you know how nervous we firs time mothers can be. I would be more comfortable and happy if we all waited on that particular thing until he's a little older and I can supervise better. I wouldn't mind if you take him to see ____."

I have tons and tons of practice in bait and switch with my in-laws. Flatter them a little, take away what they want, and offer a compromise on something they'll be happy with and I don't care much about.

"I know breastfeeding past ____ months seems a bit odd to you, but we decided that this is working for us and it's really healthy for M. We'll stop eventually. Have you ever seen a kindergartener nursing his mom when she drops him off at school?"

I've had practice with that too. Commiserate a bit, let them know the decision to go against their opinion has been made, and then make a joke about it.

thats a good compromise you came up with. A lot of parenting involves compromise. You had your preferance and your partner had his preferance. You found a way to accommodate both. I don't think that's selfish. I think that's the opposite of selfish.

I'm sorry you feel your inlaws are micromanaging your parenting or disaproving. But, I want to remind you that the bottom line is Micah is so loved, by so many people. All these people have 1 thing in common. Unconditional love for this little guy. Try not to take it personally. In my opinion, kids can never have too many people that love and care for them. He's really blessed to have so many people in his corner. In fact, try that as your answer whenever they correct you, or make suggestions. smile sweetly and say "He's lucky to have so many people that love him so much."

You are not being selfish. I ran into this same issue with the inlaws. I understand that they want to me a part of my kids life but they dont need to be there for everysingle "first", and they cant seem to grasp this concept. They had their feelings hurt the first time my husband & I took the kids to the zoo and didnt tell them until afterwards. I finally just had to tell my m-i-l that sometimes we need to do things just the 4 of us (me, husband & our twins) and that we still love her and want to spend time around her. Good luck!

I would be beyond angry... so angry in fact - I'd leave my partner without warning 3 hours before the zoo meetup and take my child to the zoo - just Mommy and Me time - then meet up with partner and his family at the pre-arranged time.

You are the Mom, you are not married to your child's Father - he obviously doesn't respect your feelings or choices about your child and even allows his family to disrespect you too. I'd be soooo over that.

I was a single Mother for 3 years before things got serious with my now husband. He knows - without absolutely any doubt - he can share his opinions about what to do with and about our children, but I, the MOTHER have complete autonomy and the final say.

It's okay to want to do things alone with your immediate family. That is normal. I would have planned it on a weekend when the extended family wasn't in town personally, but your idea of meeting them later is a good one at this point.

I get that way too sometimes. I have a mom-in-law who takes over and you have to set boundaries. It's fine to want to make your own separate memories. I have learned over the years to not give out too much info about what our plans are, unless I know I want the extended family there too. They often invite themselves to visit and stay as long as they want. I love having them, but I also love my own small, immediate family and the closeness we feel when we do special activities together. It's important.

For starters, it is absolutely OK for you to want to create moments with your son, that involve only yourself and your partner. However, you should always be gracious and welcoming of extended family when it comes to your children.

Since your partner has already spilled the beans, I think you've created a good solution in going early to have a little private time. And when the family shows up, welcome them with open arms and focus on how much fun this is for everyone to experience something new with your son. For future endeavors, you should be specific with your partner about when you want private time and stick to your guns when challenged by he, or other family members. Don't be dismissed as selfish or feel guilty for wanting private moments. But again, have some empathy and think how your partner might feel about this. I doubt he's inviting them to spite you. He probably just thinks it would be wonderful to include them and maybe he doesn't know how to tell you?

And lastly, don't walk into situations with extended family feeling like they're questioning everything you do. You've made informed decisions about how you're raising your child so just own it and don't get defensive or self-righteous about it either. Just remember that everyone has different ideas about how to raise children (about everything really) and that's OK. You'll be better off if you can just focus on the fact that they love your child and want to spend time with him.

She's being a bit selfish. You're being normal. Your hubby needs to be the one to draw the line and tell her to back off or whatever you both decide you want to do. Old school moms and "new school" moms won't always "get" each other, but they need to respect each other. Hubby'll need to be point man on this cause it's his baby too - if he supports you in the breastfeeding/ cosleeping, etc, then he needs to make it clear to his mom that HE wants these things for his child.

Compromise is always a good idea, but it stinks when YOU're the only one compromising.

In the case of the zoo, though, don't sweat this one, cause it'll be MUCH more fun for you to go as a little family when he's old enough to recognize the animals. Try to consider the firsts in a different light if you can. You can do first BIG family zoo trip, and first SMALL family zoo trip.

this is how most 1st time moms are...you'll realize later that its mor fun to go in a group, have the baby over loved (if there is such a thing) and you'll get a free few minutes with yuor husband to walk around and enjoy eachother...i'm sure with a 1 year old you don't gte much alone time...take advantage o it...if they want micah let them take him to see the elephant and you two sneak away for ice cream or to make out behind a tree...I like your idea of going a little early to see his reaction alone

Its true that he probably won't remember it... so I wouldn't plan too much. Go a little bit early so you get @30m of 'you' time. Just don't be upset when the group wants to then see animals that you've already seen.

I would make more of the trip when he's 18m - 2y and will remember more.

Good luck,
M.

It kind of sounds to me there is some other stuff going on here, like wanting to establish boundaries and demand respect as your child's mother. Which are all fine and perfectly valid. But... the zoo? I guess I don't see what the big deal is. But I'm also not a huge zoo person. I'd really pick your battles if you can, and this is not one that I would think is worth the effort and upset. If anything, I'd be so happy that there are other people around to help watch the baby. Because if your zoo is anything like our zoo, it's a lot of work.

Just my 2 cents here BUT, my kids don't have grandparents who care. Granted we moved out of state shortly after my oldest son turned one. HOWEVER, we lived within a 20-30 min drive until then and I think they came over to visit him about 5 times. ALL of which I INVITED them over. They never called, made a point to get to know him or get involved. They have two teenagers at home still so perhaps they are just busy raising my younger siblings. I guess it was too much to ask that they make a phone call on my second son's first birthday to wish him a happy birthday.
Anyways, my rant is done!

What I mean to say is that you should count yourself lucky that your child has grandparents who want to be there and be involved. Include them in your trip to the zoo and next time, when you want to have some family time for just your immediate family, don't tell anyone about it, keep it to yourself. That way there no one can be left out our have hurt feelings. It's just the zoo, after all.

It is not a big deal. just go to the zoo. enjoy the relatives that show up. we have no relatives in town and wish we did. the baby is so young he will have no memory of the zoo anyway.. most likely he will sleep through it.

My kids didnt even like the zoo until they were 4 and 5 years old. they just ate crackers in their stroller as we pushed them areound.

You should allow the relatives to love that baby it takes a village to raise a child.