Bedtime Boundaries

Simple, stay with her until she falls asleep. After lights out it takes my son about 15-20 minutes to fall asleep. We cuddle and then I leave. I don't think bedtime should be punishment time.

Google "Lori Lite Indigo Dreams Cd's"... my daughter loves these... they are stories that teach relaxation and stress relief techniques to children while calming them to sleep. I initially found them to be strange, but kids really love them. I have given these cd's to many kids that struggle with similar issues, and they all have enjoyed them and found them effective (there are many cd's by Lori, some more appropriate for young young children, and then older)....

I don't know if this will help, but I enjoy some quiet time at night to read so what I used to do is I would read 1 story, we'd make sure there was a drink of water, etc. and then it was time for sleep.

Then my daughter would lie in bed and I would sit in the rocking chair in the room with a book and a small book light and read. Sometimes I would have to remind her to lie still, but usually within 30 minutes she would be asleep. She was not allowed to talk to me after "lights out" I would gently remind her that it was sleeping time and that we could talk the next day.

It was comforting to her to have me in the room, and I didn't mind because it gave me a chance to relax and read my book. Sometimes I'd find myself reading for an hour in the chair, even after she was asleep.

By sitting in the chair and reading I was also being boring. So that encouraged her to sleep. Lying in bed with her didn't work because I was bored one (as I wasn't ready to sleep yet) and she would toss and turn a lot more when I was in the bed with her.

Now she sleeps just fine on her own. But every once in a while (even at age 10) she needs someone in there--maybe a bad day or she's sick. So I don't mind.

I found this to be a relaxing way to end the day for both of us! And sometimes my husband would also join us! He's an avid reader too :)

(Now it would be much easier with a Kindle! No need for a book light!)

Good luck!

Ok so I am going through my own drama lately having just switched my 2 1/2 yr. old son to a bed from the crib. SO frustrating! So I feel you on that. It sounds like from the questions she's asking maybe she's a bit older? Not sure. ANyway, if her issue is just her leaving and not having to duct tape her to the bed, like my son ;) then maybe some "forced choice" things would work. "OK would you like the door open a crack or shut." "Would you like to read one more book or two" leading up to "Should we read this book or that book before mommy says goodnight." etc. to help her feel like a participant in the choice making even though you are only offering what you are willing to do. I'm not saying she won't be upset. But the force choice thing REALLY helps my son to refocus on the things he CAN control. Good luck!

I laid down with my daughter every night until she was asleep. On those nights I didn't feel like it, I reminded myself how fast she was growing up and these close cuddle times would be over. We never had a stressful bedtime. And she's 9 now, and has been perfectly able to go to sleep on her own for quite some time now :-)

If your daughter's calm after the book reading, lean over, turn off the light, cuddle, and she'll be out in mere minutes.

We gave our girls little flash lights to have in bed. My girls also have music on (classical) to drown out any scary night sounds. I remember those as a kid....
My girls (in their own rooms 2 and 3 years) will "read" books to their babies and just look around the room. It has been a good thing for us!!! We go through lots of batteries, but it is worth it!

I remember how scary the dark is, so just be patient and work with her. Let her know you will come back and check on her and MEAN it. Go back after 10 or whatever time you come up with. When she knows she can count on you, she might relax.

We no longer check on our girls, but they have their lights. We say ok turn them on, do the whole nighttime prayers, kisses, hugs ect and then say ok see you in the morning.... it has worked like a charm.
I tell all moms that I know music and light :) What kids doens't like that!?

Good luck!

How old is she, because that makes a difference. Sometimes you have to turn off the light and leave the room and shut the door behind you. If we didn't do that, we would be up until midnight with the kids, and we also have a very nice and consistent bedtime routine. Sometimes we can sit with them in the dark and quietly sing a song until they fall asleep, but that only works a small portion of the time.

We don't leave the room until the kids are asleep. It is so much easier.

Yeah this ist tough b/c it's the end of the day so you're exhausted and you want things to go smoothly. But you also don't want to end the day on a sour note and have your kid cry herself to sleep. I get it! But...and here it is...sometimes you have to.

I'm assuming that your daughter is probably around 3-5?? I think that you are going to have to decide on a bedtime routine before discussing it with her. Decide how many books she gets each night, decide if you are going to allow her out of bed to get a drink and if so how many times, decide if you're going to walk out and let her cry it out or if you're going to stay and sit with her. I know this all sounds very rigid and control freaky, but I find with some kids it has to be done! Although, I am kind of a control freak, so well, maybe it is.

Anyway, once you have decided what it will look like, tell your daughter. Tell her that starting tonight (or tomorrow or next week...whenever) that this is how bed time is going to look and if she cries when you leave you are not coming back (or you're coming back only one time or whatever)...then you have to stick to it. It may take a few nights of crying, but to me it is worth it if the end result is a peaceful transition into bed! We also bought a new water bottle for my daughter and we fill it up before bed so that if she's thirsty she has access to water without getting out of bed! We started this before she was potty trained and it hasn't been an issue at all. In fact, at first she drank a ton of it just to prove she could, but now she really only drinks if she's thirsty. I think this is one of those routines that is the hardest, but it also makes me feel so much more relaxed when it goes smoothly! Good luck!

Every night needs a routine.. The same routine if possible.

Children thrive on schedules and on routines.

Quiet dinner, calm warm bath not a time for active splashing and playing. , take her to her darkened quiet bedroom..

No phone calls going on around her, no TVs.. that she can hear etc..

She needs to feel like nothing important is going on without her.

Use soft voices, no tickles no getting her all hyped up. Keep the lights low during all of this.

Put her in her pajamas, tuck her into bed. Give her a kiss.. Read her a book or two or chapters..

This is NOT the time to engage her. Do not ask her questions about the book.You do not even have to show her the pictures. If she asks you questions, let her know this is a a quiet story time" and "she needs to listen with her ears".

Maybe rub her head or feet (Our daughter liked her ears or hair lightly touched)..

As you get towards the end of the story, begin to read slower.

Keep a calm and quiet voice.

We used to play soft music or a book on tape.

Our daughter had a low light in her room. Sometimes, I would stay just a few more minutes rubbing her ears or hair and then I would leave her room.

We also did have a small cup, and a bottle of water in her room in case she wanted some, but most times, she did not.. It was a stalling thing with her too. She learned we had that bottled water right there and could pour it in to the cup, so no one was running around the house to get her a cup..

Do make sure you are calm during all of this. My husband would take turns with me who would read. Sometimes we both were there together.

But we learned to make this time very dark and quiet.

I read to our kids every night before going to bed, had a prayer time and then they got a drink and were told this was it, drink, going to the bathroom and then in bed. If you don't do that it will become a longer and longer process each night. We had some wanting drinks until we went to bed and all sorts of things and whatever else they could think of. It's just to keep you there and so if you want time to do other things and see your husband in the evening you need to set the rules. If you want one drink tell her that and stick to it. If she protests just tell her no more and she will soon learn you mean it. The same goes for the 'scared' tactic, etc. If you get this settled then you will have a nice goodnight and be able to leave feeling happier.

We have a routine, it is the same every night, if something is skipped things can go awry! Our kids chose the routine.. I think that is important, it is amazing how one little re-arrangment of order can make a huge difference. I thought the kids should go potty, brush teeth, get into jammies and then read a book. But kids insist we have to read book, then go potty, brush teeth and get into jammies. Ever since they made that change things have gone much better (this chance was three years ago) and it is still the same...there is more to the process but that was the biggest issue we had. And yes if we forget drinks then we will get asked. Most of the time they remind us before bed. Last words out of our mouth before bed (did you get everything you need done...last chance) then up into bed and prayer, hugs and kisses.

Figure out a few things that might help her feel more comfortable. My daughter is 4 and has a night light in her room as well as a light-up "aquarium". And soft relaxing music playing on a CD player. She prefers to have the door open some - not wide open all the way, but certainly not closed. Lavender pillow mist or a back rub with some lavender-scented lotion may help too.

Talk to her at a time beforehand when it is not bedtime and therefore not such an emotionally charged moment. Explain to her that you will read X number of stories, let her have X drinks of water, etc. but that's the number you are sticking to - if she asks for more, the answer will be no. Then really stick to it and don't cave in.

Tell her when you are leaving that you will be back to check on her in 10 minutes but she needs to calm down. Reassure her that you will first do XYZ but will check on her in 10 minutes. However, when you come back to check on her, you will not be getting her another drink, another story, staying with her, etc. You will only check on her for a minute, then you will leave again. You can tell her you will check on her again in another 10 minutes, then repeat as necessary. With my daughter, if she is good and tired enough, she will be out like a light within 10 minutes.

Make sure she is not being kept up too late, or is overtired, which can actually make it harder for them sometimes to settle down. And keep the routine the same every time so that the length of time it takes is consistent. My daughter is the stall-master when it comes to finding ways to delay bedtime and I've found that it really helps to simply never waver from the routine. Staying with her until she fell asleep would never work because she would want to keep on chatting and goofing around, and I figure she's going to be better off in the long run learning to fall asleep on her own.

We used to do one story each (2 girls, each could choose one) in the big bed with me or dad, and then I sang 3 songs total of my choosing in the hallway between the 2 girls rooms. After that the oldest would generally turn around and fall asleep, but the youngest one takes a long time to fall asleep (still does, she is 11 now). When she was small I have sat in a chair in her room with a book and itty bitty reading light until she fell asleep. I then moved to the hallway for a while, and then into my bedroom. She can see me from her bed. Now she will read on her own, then listen to her MP3 player for a while. I check in with her later to make sure the music is off, and usually she has turned it off herself already. This time will pass, just decide up front together what the routine will be.

My son does this, so I completely understand. He'd spend 5 minutes easily saying things like "I love you!" "Sweet dreams!" "Have a good day tomorrow!" "I'll see you in the morning!" "Enjoy work!" and on & on & on. :) He's pretty sweet, but we still have to set firm limits. He used to come out of his room a lot asking for a drink, then he had to go to the bathroom, then he remembered something he wanted to tell us, etc. We ended up telling him that he could go to the bathroom without asking, but if he tries to talk to us -- for any reason -- he had to go to timeout. It took a few nights in timeout, but he figured out that he could go to the bathroom & head back to his room & that was better than timeout. :) Another option was that we took a toy/stuffed animal away (from his bed, usually) for each time he talked after he wasn't supposed to. That worked to decrease the time we stood at the door. =) He's still a sweet kid, but he also knows what's acceptable & what isn't.

My kids both know they get to pick out 1 story each before bed. Sometimes my daughter will ask for 2 and I'll say 1 or 0? My son usually asks for a drink before bed so I get him a sippy cup and allow my daughter to have a drink of it, too. Then I sing their songs and say prayers and leave. Sometimes when I start to leave my daughter will ask me to stay for a few more minutes and I will. If she says she is scared, I tell her I will turn on the bathroom light. But other that that, for the MOST part we do not have either one (they share a room) fight or constantly hassle us when it's bedtime. Usually they are both pretty tired! I used to have to tell my daughter in advance how many minutes I would sit in her room and she used to freak out (before baby brother was born) and it was very hard getting her to sleep. Not sure if it's because they share a room that neither are scared? There are rare times where my son won't stop talking/singing and my daughter just wants to go to bed so we'll allow her to sleep in our bed. But that is rare. I'd say repeat the bedtime routine a lot - tell her 5 more minutes then teeth, books and bed. Then when brushing teeth say teeth, books bed. Then let her pick out a book and say books, bed and I'll sit here for five (or three or whatever you choose) minutes. When she cries or asks for more, give her a kiss and tell her that you will come back and check on her. But if she gets out of her bed or leaves her room, you will not come back in X number of minutes. This worked because my daughter knew I'd be back and would always tell me she would not fall asleep before I got back and 9 times out of 10, she was asleep!

Mostly it's about consistency, and being prepared beforehand doesn't hurt. My kids (almost) always go to bed extremely easily, and I attribute this mostly to the fact that "bedtime" has always meant "bedtime", which means they brush their teeth, use the potty, and I read them one story (each or together), and then it's lights out. So my kids at 7 & 5 y/o have never known anything else, from the time they were less than 2 y/o. If you've consistently given in to her "one more thing" requests, then she'll need extra training to break the bad habits and instill the good ones.

Tell her that tonight when you go to bed, and every night after that, you are going to follow this or that procedure, and then it's lights out and you will be leaving, and she will be going to sleep. [Not sure what your discipline and punishment style is, but if she rebels/refuses, then use whatever is the best tool for her obedience. In my case, I spanked my kids a few times if they didn't listen to my words, but they knew I meant business and then obeyed me from that point on, and stayed in bed and went to sleep.] Whatever her typical excuses are for getting you into the room, see if you can plan and prepare for them and prevent them. If she typically asks for a drink, then when you announce that it's bedtime, remind her to get a drink before bed, and also that you will be reading *only* one (or three, or however many stories you decide), and that's *it*.

I sympathize with her fear (if she's truly scared, and not just pretending), but you can work through what can be done so that she's not scared, whether that's putting a night-light in her room, giving her a special stuffed animal or other lovey, leaving the door ajar, spraying "monster repellant" (Lysol or something) in her closet, giving her a "magic bracelet" to keep monsters away, or whatever.

I can totally relate! We had a very set bedtime routine, potty, brushing teeth, prayers, etc. Then, this is how I fixed ALL the problems: I gave each of my kids their own water bottle (the cap was a squirt-type, so no spills) - that way if they were thirsty, they had the water right there on their bedside table. If they were scared, I took "monster" spray (air freshener) and sprayed around the room especially under the bed and in closets. They knew they got one story each, or together, and that was it - I was very firm. Yes, at first it was a little hard to be firm but I knew to keep my sanity and be able to get to bed myself, I had to be VERY firm!! Good luck!!!!