I have a 4 yr old boy who is aggressive at times--someone gets in his space or bothers him, he lets them know usually by telling them, yet more often than I'd like, physically (pushing, hitting,etc.). We have talked with him a lot because this happens at home with his older sisters too. We have disciplined--to bed early, taking away things he likes to do, time outs. None of these are my usual methods and at the risk of sounding permissive, we usually just spend more time with him individually and make sure respecting things and others gets into the conversation and it works out. We also limit tv time, especially the "action-packed" stuff. The later has not worked as of late...
As of late we have been consistently more firm with him to send a clear message. I hope I have given enough time for that to work, yet I am just not sure about it all.
Also, I need to add that he has had trouble making friends. This has surfaced in the last year. He wants to hang out with Kindergarten aged kids (all getting ready to turn 6 by now ) and he usually ends up getting shunned by them. He is often told that he is not on their team and gets really hurt by this. There is a lot of talk about not being on so and so's team when he gets home from school--
Have put much thought into this---don't want to be overprotective mama bear (he has got to get through this), yet don't want to let it go to his detriment....any info? How can I stay somewhere in between, support him and not tolerate handling himself in a physical way when he is upset?
Thanks for the information all. I know this is the "so what happened" section but that will not be determined for a while. I think I needed the support just as much as the information from all of you and I really appreciate it. Really, I just had to tell myself to trust my own instincts. I really don't think there is anything terribly concerning about his behavior since we have had many transitions within our immediate family within the last year--there is just so much that I couldn't share without writing a book in my original request. Also, I know it is heart breaking to him that he gets left out on many levels--hence, some retaliation and he does need more adult direction in developing his interactions in the social context. Nevertheless, those preschool screenings can provide valuable information---I will monitor his behavior over the summer and catch the screening in September if I still have concerns. Thanks again all.
You might want to look into add / adhd. Sometimes at this age they start to show signs for this, and it can affect kids this way....
Hi!
A four year old boy is still so young and little that I bet you don't have to fear being overprotective. Your instincts to protect him sound reasonable -- as do the discipline attempts.
What has worked best for me in terms of punishments has been: a simple clear warning which, if my child's behavior doesn't change, is followed by a punishment that is immediate, logical, and annoying to the child. I want to maintain my child's dignity and not get loud and exasperated as I reprimand her, but there needs to be a consequence. The more annoying the better!
Four year olds are still figuring the social world out. If it is possible to keep him away from the six year olds, he might be less frustrated and be able to play games that are not so socially frustrating.
Good luck! You aren't overprotective. You are helping him figure out his world!
Just want to say that it sounds like you're doing everything right and it takes time. As another licensed teacher, I agree with the one the previous one said. Don't be quick to ascribe his behavior to some "deficiency" or condition -- it sounds perfectly normal for a young boy trying to figure out the world and his place in it. My only two suggestions would be to REALLY reward when he uses talking instead of hitting (if you think that would work), and also to perhaps find one or two other buddies his age to play with.
Keep your no-tolerance policy on the physical; time-outs are good for that and not detrimental. The rest will take time. Hang in there!
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One thing to think about is some children act out to get more attention. Negative attention to some children is as good a positive attention.
I would consider talking to a counselor or therapist about this. It is not a bad thing to get advice from a professional. Your son is young and it is the best time to get a handle on this behavior. There maybe something going on that you do not know about or your son is afraid to talk about with you.
my daughter, not almost 8, was really similar to this -- over-reacted to people in her space, but still wanted to be with people, wanted to hang out with the older kids, but was shunned... i did a lot of what you're doing - talking to her, time outs, limiting action movies, giving her more time by herself and with me. these things work, they just take time. it wasn't until this year (that she was 7) that i really started to see some big leaps -- like more talking through the problem than getting hyped up, walking away/removing herself from the situation rather than hitting, finding friends (the same age and older) and interacting with them positively. we actually kept her out of school until first grade because i knew that school would only exacerbate these issues. is it possible to keep him out of pre-k/k next year and skip him straight to first grade the year after? maybe what he needs really is more time at home with you learning how to positively interact, but also to learn how to ask specifically for what he needs (ie, space). just a thought that worked for us.
as a mom to a 5 yr old boy and a 7yr old boy I can tell you at around 6 these boys get very competetive. its terrible that kids act this way but it doesnt get easier as they get older so I just teach my son to treat others how you want to be treated etc. ask questions on how that makes him feel- and then just teadch him that there just not your friend today- and play a game with him or invite a friend over you know he will get a long with
M.,
Maybe get him involved in a Chicago Park District class so he can make friends his own age. Sounds like he needs to hang out with his peers more to improve his social skills. Or it could be that he is just a bit slower to mature. I noticed that some kids even though they are super smart still are slower to mature as far as social skills go but they do start to catch up eventually. A karate class might be good because they teach discipline and respect when it comes to using your force.
Have you thought about martial arts for him?
I know, first reaction is to cringe at the thought of teaching a child who is already getting too physical to kick and hit etc...
However, I've learned from a friend recently that it has helped her little boys tremendously because when it is properly taught - they really get a sense of self-control and confidence and it's a healthy outlet for frustration.
good luck to you.
I don't agree with the previous posts of advising you to seek therapy or karate. Not only am I a SAHM of 8 years, but also a licensed elem. teacher. I also have a 4 year old, but a girl. She too hits her big brother, although we have NEVER allowed it, and there are always consequences. He has never struck her in any way. I should also mention that she does not use this behavior on others, only he brother. You should just continue to make it clear to your son that this is not acceptable in any way, and make sure he has consequences. Our time out is in the corner, standing like a soldier, no talking or time starts over. Time in the corner is equal to his/her age. 4 minutes is a long time to a 4 year old. As far as being rejected by other, remember it's hard being the littlest and wanting to keep up. When my daughter was first rejected by other kids at the park, she was really wounded. She said to the girls, "Hi, I'm ___, would your like to play?" With tears in her eyes, she came to me and said, "Mommy, they said they don't want to play with me". My heart about broke into a million pieces, but I didn't show that. I casually just told her, who cares if they don't want to play, let's go find someone who does. And we did that, and she had a great time. If I had shown her I was also wounded, she would have felt that hurt even more. After the park, we talked about it on different occassions, about what a fun girl she is, and so friendly, and how we just need to look for the kids who are looking for a friend to play with. She began to understand this was not a personal rejection, and now if kids don't want to play, she just shrugs at me and looks for someone who does. Classes for his age is a super suggestion, because not only is he with peer's, but also it is nice to have them in a structured setting with another adult in charge. Hope this helps you! H.
This sounds a lot like some of the behaviors my son had been showing for about a year before he was recently diagnosed with sensory integration dysfunction. The problem with my son is that his body is in a constant state of trying to find stimulation. He actually crashes into things and hits things b/c he needs the contact on skin. It's something worth checking out b/c with proper occupational therapy, our son is doing so much better. He has been going to Prairie Children Preschool since Feb, and his behavior has improved so much more than we could have imagined. And yes, it's also entirely possible that your son is trying to get your attention. My son is one of those kids that doesn't care if it's positive or negative, if he wants your attention, he'll do whatever it takes. If my son has an explosive tantrum, I just take him to his bedroom where it's totally quiet and sit with him without talking to him at all until he calms down. I've taught him some deep breathing exercises, and he uses that to calm down. It works like a charm. If we're out in public, I take him into the bathroom to do this.
I do like the suggestion about martial arts as well; if my son was able to pay attention better, he would like this as well. Good luck.
Stick to being strict mom...sometimes it's a lifelong job but worth it in the end. Explain that the other kids not wanting to pick him is because they are older. It has nothing to do with him really and he needs to play with the other 4 year olds. Him having older siblings wants to be with older boys to play. Good luck mommy and hang in there.
