Best Friend Just Lost Her Premature Baby :( What Can I Do for Them??

Hi A.,
Losing a baby is unbelievably painful. I went through it. The best thing you could do is find a hospital or center near her has a Perinatal/Infant Loss Bereavement Group. Im sure in Boston there is. My local hospital in Greenwich, CT has a great group. The nurse who runs the group may be able to help you find something up in Boston if you cant find one. Private message me and I can get you her #. Her Dr could offer some suggestions also. It was the only thing that got me through. She will be with others that have been through the same thing. The idea of a a gift of a butterfly (or angel, as that is what people call a baby that dies) is a wonderful idea. There are tons of books about losing a baby, you can help research some of them. Babycenter.com has a bulletin board and one of the topics is loss and support. Right now she needs the support of others who have been there to help her (and her great friends that are also suffering her loss). It is a long grieving process even without having had a difficult time conceiving. She may at some point "blame" herself and all sorts of other things that most likely were out of her control. Since you are not in the area, flowers, a card, a take out restaurant delivered dinner are all great things. Call her regularly, she may talk one day, just be there and be a friend!

Its natural for them to stay to themselves...but there is really a lot you can do. Call. Be a shoulder to cry on. LISTEN; don't try to give advice or be cheerful. Be a diversion. Provide diversion: send notes, articles, etc. that they might be interested in that don't have anything to do with kids. Send food. She will be physically recovering as well as mentally and getting food is always nice. Eventually they will come out again, they will be sad, they will be mad, they might or might not try again...but knowing you are there no matter what will mean a lot to your friend.

The most important thing is to be there for her, which clearly you are. It is imporant to remember that this was her baby and you should continue to ask her questions because she likely will want to talk about him or her.
I, too, lost my first baby at 26 weeks. It was devastating. For me, I wanted to talk about it a lot, I guess to make it more real. So I liked it when people allowed me to talk about my pregnancy and tell people what I had named the baby etc... .I think another thing is to realiize that she isn't going to "get over it" or "move on" as quickly as you think she might. She also will not want to hear anyone say "it's all for the best," "there was probably something wrong with the baby," "you'll have another," etc... Just be there for her. Call her. Check in. Ask how she's doing. Remember anniversaries (date of delivery, due date etc...)

In terms of things for her, I was lucky enough to stumble on an amazing website called SHARE. The site is www.nationalshare.org.

They have message boards for mommies who have lost babies (either through miscarriage, stillbirth, or early infant death). The message board basically saved my life. Even though it has been 7 years since I lost our little boy, I still check in to that site often (they have a parenting board too for moms who have had a rainbow baby after losing a child). It was comforting (although sad) to know that I wasn't the ONLY one who this had happened to. I kept thinking "why me" and it helped to know I wasn't alone. Truly, the Moms on that site are the only ones who really understand... So maybe you can pass on the website to her. Tell her a Mom in the same boat as her recommended it...

You are a wonderful friend!

My very good friend lost her 4 month old daughter. The baby was born and got sicker and sicker until she passed away. I just followed my friend's lead. If she seemed to want to talk about the baby, I would. I was always willing/excited to look at pictures and share memories. I just found that once the service was over, she wanted to talk about her daughter and most people avoided the topic. I didn't avoid talking about her. I still (4 years later) email my friend on the baby's birthday and death anniversary.

Also, personally I have had 4 early miscarriages and I really hated when someone would say the following...
it wasn't meant to be
you'll have another one
be happy you have the 2 you have

Basically, nothing was going to make me feel better so I didn't want anyone to try. I needed someone who would cry with me and agree that it sucked.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can say to ease her
pain. Just be there for her. I had this happen to two
friends (one a full term, another 26 weeks, lived for
two weeks). In both instances, I purchased the Swarovski
butterfly, one pink and one blue. When placed on the
mirror, it is beautiful. They both said that the butter-
fly brought them comfort. Just an idea. The friend
that delivered at 26 weeks, just gave birth last night
to a beautiful baby boy.

Your friend has some rough times ahead. Wish there was
somthing else I could tell you to do, but I don't really
think there is anything. Listen to her cues and I think
you will instinctively know when she is ready for company.

I would contuinue to call everyday. When she answers just say hi and ask if there is anything you can do for her today. Then remind her that you'll visit (without your kids) whenever she is up to it. And remind her to call at anytime to talk. Then ask if she wants to talk or if she wants you to call back later, etc. Just be there for her - she will eventually need you very much. How wonderful that she has such a good friend.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your friend. This happened to someone I know as well and it was absolutely devastating. She wanted to talk about it a lot and remember. All of her friends were always available to talk and very supportive of her needs. That's the best thing you can do - just be there for her.