Best Friends?

Yes, I think you are SUPPOSE to be best friends...but my husband and I are not either. I think it just comes with time. We have been married almost 10 years and I am still waiting for it to happen!!! I asked my sis-in-law this same question months ago and she said yes she and her hubby were---now 6 months later they are going through a divorce---guess they were not best friends like she thought! However, I believe my parents of 45 years of marriage are in deed BEST FRIENDS- they do EVERYTHING together...hair appts, grocery store, etc....This is why I think it just takes time...

I can totally relate to you! I have a 19 month old and we just moved and I decided to be a SAHM and it is SO HARD to unpack and deal with being home and the move was hard on my girl.....the best thing I did was go to a few other websites to connect with moms, both online and in finding new other moms in the area, so I dont rely on my husband so much. He has enough issues, his new job has him away from us more.
But my husband is still my friend...but we both have kept things from each other, but it is only because we have little time together and just forget.
ALSO, Find someone you trust to babysit so you two can have a 'date'....that was another one of the best things we did too. ;-)

Me and my husband have been together for 10 years and married for 8 and half. And we are best friends. We go do things together and we go do things apart. If he wants to go do something that I don't want to do or visversa it is fine. But we always invite each other everywhere and tell each other where the other one is.

My husband is my best friend, but we don't tell each other EVERYthing, even though we know we can tell each other ANYthing.
He has parts of his life that are just his, and I have parts of my life that are just mine, and we think that makes the parts of our lives that we share even more special.
Sometimes we prefer to hang out together, sometimes we prefer to hang out with other people, and sometimes we need time alone. That's not betrayal, it's just being human.

Unless what he's been hiding from you is something that directly affects your relationship now (such as a child from a previous relationship that he's required to pay support for, an active STD, an affair, an addiction, massive debt, or terminal illness), he has a right to a certain amount of privacy, as do you.

You know, best friends don't have children together, pay bills, do chores, and sleep in the same bed. They don't spend 24/7 together and have to take turns getting ready to spend time with each other. SO, you are MORE than best friends. My husband and I are co-workers (family business) and we live about an hour from our other friends so we are pretty isolated from any one else. There is a difference between friends and spouses. Spouses are better but you have to have friends other than them. Men can't relate to a woman as well as her girlfriends. It is also human nature for women to share information (hence our survival as a species) so you REALLY need girlfriends. I saw that you are in a new area AND THAT IS ROUGH! So for a while you two are probably going to be "stuck" together. Hang in there and know that you MUST have other friends and your spouse/friend is not enough.
For the romantic statement in that article, romance and friendship go hand in hand. HOW ON EARTH can you have a fulfilling romance with someone that you don't like???

Hang in there, get some mommy time (Good Luck!) and know that you are not totally dependent on your hubby for all of your emotional needs. They are simply not capable of providing you with what a woman needs (and vice versa)!

God Bless!

I definitely think your husband can be your best friend! I know many married couples who feel like they are married to their best friend. Unfortunately I am not married tomy best friend but I still believe it is possible :-)

Yes, you can be best friends with your spouse. My husband and I are soul mates and I couldn't imagine it any other way. People change and it seems like your husband is not the same person he was when you married him. Perhaps you should discuss your feelings with him! Good luck to you!

Yes, your spouse can and should be your best friend - the one you turn to and rely on completely. That's not to say you rely on him SOLELY, because no one can be available 100% for anyone all the time. But if he's hiding things from you and giving indications of a change in his feelings, then you two need to devote more time to one another, get to know each other again. If you've been living apart for a while, then you need to make some friends in your community and arrange for some regular babysitting so you and hubby can have some dates where you talk about each other and share interests, rather than just talking about household matters and children. For some reason, men seem to have a harder time remaining faithful when they're apart from their spouses for a lengthy period. (I know many men are wonderfully faithful, but it's still a risky situation.) Have courage and don't run from the problem - if you were best friends once, you can be again. Just put the work and consistency into it that you would with any female best friend.

Also, depending on your philosophy and personal beliefs, you may find Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" very helpful. I read it some months before I got married, and while my therapist at the time expressed some reservations about some of the advice, I've found it ALL to be very helpful, with positive benefits when I put it into practice. A combination of spending alone time with your spouse and showing lots of appreciation and affection will make him feel more important to you and help you see the traits that drew you to him in the first place; and even will help him find his way back to you. :) Best wishes!

My husband, is my best friend, my spouse, my lover, and the father of our two sweet boys.

We have been together for 8 1/2 almost 9 years,and love every minute of it.

Absolutely you can....my husband and i have been best friends for 33 years and married for 22 of those....we are empty nesters now and still our most favorite thing is each other. J., people change as they age so part of being best friends is the accept each other's changes and encourporate them into your life.....talk, talk, talk...good luck to you R.

when newly married and even dating, that seems to be the case...best friends and every waking moment is together but in reality i think that men and women need outside friends to connect with. when i became a stay at home mom, it was quite an adjustment going from working at an office to just having children to "talk" to all day. i then depended more on my husband for that friendship since I got it no where else yet. It put a lot of pressure on him to be the only breadwinner and my sole emotional and financial support. Maybe he is acting that way since he is stressed about a lot of changes with a move and now you staying at home etc. It took a while to get adjusted to the new situation (my oldest is 4 1/2 and youngest is 1 1/2) but it works great now. I started a business with Scentsy candles through the home to help give me a way to connect with others and not have him be the only grown up I talk to during the day. Sounds like you have a lot of changes going on (sahm,move, new job for him) and that can make a man feel the pinch too. anyway, hope that helps, just my two cents anyway :-)

Hello J.,

I have never responded in this forum before, but felt compelled because of your story. There are a couple of red flags here. Please think about this. Infidelity can take many forms - we all know the most common form, but hiding things, or misleading are equally devastating, causing a feeling of betrayal. This is the first red flag. The second is that you have just relocated with your husband - away from what is familiar to both of you. He has a larger network than you do, since you are staying at home with the children. This puts him in more of a position of control. Be careful here.

Or.....maybe things have begun to change in the relationship since the children have taken more of a primary focus for you. Is this just his response to less attention from you? I don't know, but in answer to your question about best friends, I do believe that, to a certain extent, marital partners can be best friends. I do not believe, however, that we can be every thing to each other. My husband is my best friend, and I am his. We have been married for 15 years now. I know that even though we enjoy one another in so many ways, that he needs his male friends too. I give him time to do things with others, and he chooses to hurry home to me. I realize this could be hard for you, since you are home with the children, and need that adult companionship that he has to offer you. My advice to you would be to get involved in something within your neighborhood, or politically, where you can have more contact with other adults.

I am sorry if I have misread your situation. I wish you the best.

J. O

My hubby is my ABSOLUTE best friend. I have, on a few occasions, found him hiding things from me as well. Things that have hurt me really bad. It turned out that the reason he hid them from me was out of fear of disappointing me. We've been constantly working on our communication skills, and I still consider him my best friend. There is nobody else who is closer to me than my husband, and nobody closer to my husband than myself. We can talk to each other about just about anything, and for everything else, there's our other friends. Because, like many of these other women have already mentioned, you do need close ties with other women.

J., Of course your spouse can be your best friend. Both of mine were. Now that I'm older though, I find a female friend actually makes a pretty good best friend. I try to have several 'best' friends. I have a best frined at my son's school and a best friend in another town and a best friend in my family...spread out the love and don't get too reliant on your spouse's friendship. It is a big burden. Also, it is not necessary to have a 'best' friend. It is healthier to have several very good friends.

My husband is absolutely my best friend! It wasn't always that way, but after several years I realized he was the only one I could completely trust. He understands me and loves me for who I am (even when I have PMS). I think that our romantic relationship is stronger because of our "friend" relationship. It is not at all just dreaming to think that your best friend and your romantic partner can be the same person. I personally think they should be. I hope things work out well for you both.
J.

J.,

Yes your spouse can be your best friend. Mine has for 26 and a half years now. But even best friends don't tell all sometimes. But if he eventually told you things you didn't know then he is still relying on you as a best friend also.
Good luck
G.

I married my best friend. My husband and I were best friends for 3 years before we decided to become intimate with each other. We had both been in difficult relationships and would talk to each other about them then one day we decided why not try and see what would transpire between the two of us and so we did. We have been together 10 yrs but only married 5. We still are best of friends and enjoy being around each other. we do everything together like it was when we were just friends but now it is even nicer. We have our love for one another that is strong and that keeps us so close. We wouldn't change anything in the world for what we have with each other.

My husband is my best friend, but with that said it is healthier to have friendships outside each other. I think the article is referring to having a close friendship outside each other so there is a little more independence and not reliance.

Yes your romantic partner can be your best friend. My husband and I have been together for 18 years and he was my best guy friend before we got together and once we got together he became totally even more of my best friend. Being best friend doesn't mean you always agree. And sound like you have alot of new thing going on were maybe he feels like he doesn't have as much time to talk to you about everything. Even best friends get so busy with life that they loose the time to stop and talk. Maybe when you get everything settled you will have more time for each other. Realize you don't have to agree just be able to set and discuss things. It is ok to have different views. Me and my husband are different in alot of ways but we balance each other out. And that makes for the greatest best friend ever.

I have to agree with the others, yes your hubby can be your best friend after the last two hard years I have be going though if he was not my best friend I would not have make it. He has be by myself all the way.For the fell on the ice to the recover of the back opertion. HE has dry my tears, held my hand when I need the touch of someone who cared. Make me laugh when I felt like screaming. Yes he is my best friend. Yes and my sweetheart.

Yes, you can be best friends with your spouse. Don't expect your husband to express himself the way a girlfriend would. Guys don't. You don't know him. I was married 40 years to my best friend before he died. I was still learning things about him the last year we had. It doesn't hurt for either of you to also have other close friends.

Hi Jacklyn,
I think you can be great friends with your spouse but also need some time with friends of the same sex ( your hubby needs "guy time' amd you need "girl time")!
Our marriage changed dramatically when I started staying home with our daughter. I don't know how much of that is normal and how much of it could indicate that there are deeper problems.
If your hubby has hidden "big" things-friendships with women, money problems, how he spends his time etc...I would really try and get some counseling.
If it's smaller stuff-try and have some "us time" once/week . That helped my hubby and me stay on track, we have a 'date night' on Fridays after our girl goes to bed. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we just watch TV, just being together and focusing on each other is sometimes enough to make the difference. We needed to be reminded that we were a couple first and Then became parents. We love our daughter as much as we possibly can :-) she is our little Treasure, but we needed to make time for us as well.
Oh and if you are new to your area check out some "Mommy groups" I'm part of MOM'S Club in my area and there is also local groups for SAHM's like Moms of Preschoolers...that helps with the "girl time" and get some support if you've not made good friends with anyone in your new town yet...
I hope this helps!
Good Luck
C.

I do believe your spouse can and should be your best friend, but after being divorced from a guy who I thought I knew and then one day woke up to some strange stuff (the real him coming out) I say sometimes you never can tell about someone. But that is them...not that you haven't tried to know someone. My ex thought he knew what I wanted him to be and pretended to be it, instead of being himself. Weird.

My hubby and I have been together for going on ten years. Since the 11th grade. We were bestfriends for two years before we started dating, and we are still bestfriends today. So my answer to your question is a definate YES. Good luck.

Yes, your romantic partner can be your best friend. I do think, sometimes, that we expect our husbands to be EVERYTHING to us, and that's a little unfair. For example, my husband is my best friend and my lover, but it isn't fair for me to expect the same things from him that I would a female best friend. I need my husband, and in a way, my world is wrapped up in him, but I also need my girlfriends, my mom, my sister-in-law, my brothers... my husband can't be everything to me, just as I can't be everything to him. It's unfair to expect otherwise. That being said, it bothers me a little that your husband has responded this way, but with all the changes going on in your life, it may not be anything to worry about. Try not to stress over it, but talk to him and try to romance him. If it's possible, try to get out, just the two of you, so he can re-discover his friend and lover. Marriage is really hard, but certainly worth the rewards. Good luck!

My husband and I have always been best friends. We love doing things together, however I know that sometimes he needs his space the same as I do. We have been married for 18 years and it surely gets better as you get older. We have not always been totally open with each other, but over the last few years as our children have gotten older, we realized we have to spend the rest of our lives together, so we have got to openly communicate. This takes time...and sometimes you don't always like what you hear, but you take it in love and give it in love.

We are best friends and we work together at the same school. We are in the music ministry at our church together. We spend lots of time together. That can get crazy, and there are days when we would rather not even see each other, but boy those days are not as much as the days when I love seeing him down the hall!

So can your husband be your best friend? I totally think so!

Hi Jacyln,

Yes! Your spouse can totally be your best friend. We have been married for 21 years and are closer now than when we were first married. Time, life experiences and love for each other has drawn us closer as friends...just as it would with a non-romantic best friend. The best part of it is I don't have to go far to be with him.

W. Q

Find a good counselor. Go by yourself if you have to. And don't be afraid to change until you find one that you like and helps you. We all have emotional growth spurts and sometimes, most of the time marriage partners do this at different times. But when you were on the same page and now you're not you may need some outside help.