Birthday Party for Hot Cold Friend

I don't have a 3rd grade girl, but I do have a 3rd grade boy. This seems very typical to me. If it were me, I would ask my son what he wanted to do.

If it were me, I would tell my daughter it is okay if she doesn't want to go, but if she plans to go we have to stop by the store for a gift.

Truly a case of ask your daughter what she wants to do here. She's old enough to make the choice.

I would not over-explain your own feelings here or give her too much input from your perspective. I would not say things like "You know Sally's kind of hot and cold about your friendship" etc. I would just say, "Sally has invited you to her birthday party. You can decide whether you want to go or not -- It's your choice and either going or not is just fine." Then let her think about it. If she says yes, I would not try to steel her in advance with advice about Sally's attitude, etc. I'd let her go, not talk too much about Sally, and be sure to pick her up on the early side of the pickup time.

Let her choose. This is a good case of her navigating her friendships herself. If she chooses not to go, don't make a big thing of "substituting" some other fun activity as if making it up to her because she's not attending a party. If she does choose to go, and comes home mad or upset, listen and let her vent, but don't offer any judgments of Sally or of your daughter's choice to go. Listen and you're sorry things turned out badly, and then distract her and move on.

A lot of kids are "hot and cold" at this age. They really don't know how to have relationships - they are still learning. One way they learn is when they have to issue and accept/decline invitations. Another way is to be hurt/ignored and then to have to make a decision about how to proceed in the future. Most kids who are excluded are also excluding others at some point - they just don't have the sophistication to read body language, and they don't have the level of empathy that we adults sometimes presume they do.

On the one hand, the birthday party is a good mix of a bunch of kids, and no one can really go off in a corner with one friend and leave the others - that goes for host child and guest children. And, birthday parties are far better supervised by the host parents than normal play times and school recess periods. So the chances of a major "affront" are less.

On the other hand, part of life is learning to make choices. If your daughter doesn't want to go, then she sends her regrets by the RSVP date on the invitation (which, frankly, shouldn't be necessary to include but people just don't know enough to reply without a prompt). That's her choice. She doesn't get an alternative activity with you just because she chose not to go to a party! That's not an effective technique. It takes the power away from her to make the choice by implying that she's going to be hurt by her own decision. Why would she need a distracting activity for something that she didn't want to go to? We have to teach our kids to make choices, to not go to everything, to not be dear friends with everyone, to not (frankly) go to a birthday party every week for which our parents have to purchase presents!

I think the less dramatic we make these choices, the better off our kids will be. A birthday party, a sleepover, a prom date, the latest movie....these are not life and death matters.

If your daughter gets tired of figuring out whether this other girl is going to be a friend or not, soon she will move on to others who are kinder or more mature. And she will figure out, perhaps with some VERY low key discussions with you, that a friend isn't someone on whom you can't rely. And that's how we learn not to do the same thing to others.

And if your daughter is neutral, then why is this bothering you so much? I'd try to get to the bottom of that. If at all possible, and unless there is major trauma going on, I'd try to butt out of my kid's social relationships. Sometimes our kids get more hurt if we stir up all the thoughts about rejection. And sometimes we don't have all the info - we may only see when our kid is being left out, but we never see the times our kids have done the rejecting to others. When parents get involved and the whole thing goes south, that's usually why.

I would let my daughter make the choice.

I'd also refrain from letting my personal feelings known to the daughter. I learned a long time ago when my now 21yr old had friend issues to let her work them out. There can very well be a time when you speak negatively about a friend and then that friend ends up being the bestie again.

Allow your daughter to manage her friendships.

agree 100% with other previous answers. Let her decide, simple as that - does she want to go or not? If it was me, I'd prefer she tell me a solid answer by a certain date so I could plan accordingly. And yes, do NOT offer your adult opinion or observations about the other child. Back down mama. And I also would not plan something special to do "instead of" the party.

Things change so quickly with girls. Typical third grade girl dynamics. I would look at the invite for the RSVP deadline. And at that time I would ask DD to decide if she wants to go or not. I would again tell her that either choice is fine, but good manners dictate that you rsvp so the family knows what to expect for planning purposes. Unless she is the one to bring up any concerns, I wouldn't say a word about the hot/cold issue. I wouldn't tell her this, but I'd still allow her to back out at the last minute if she wasn't feeling it. I also agree with the others that you not offer to go and replace this party time with doing something else fun. Missing something that may be fun goes along with the choice to not attend.

Let your daughter decide. But I, like Diane B., don't see the need to offer another outing. She either wants to go or not, period. It's almost like you're bribing her not to go and sending her a message that she won't enjoy herself if she does go. If a 3rd grade b-day party causes this much indecision, you are never going to make it through middle school!

I'm learning to not try to figure out why people do what they do - and don't do. You don't know for example that this girl does not want your daughter there. Her behavior could be related to troubles at home, or insecurity, or whatever. When we try to understand other kids' motives or intentions - it's pointless.

Your daughter should not be concerned with any of that. She should just decide if she thinks she'd have fun or not. More likely than not, she'll have a good time.

I'm learning to stay out of all that stuff. I didn't like some of my older kids' friends. Some were into drama and nonsense. Playing favorites and dumping them at times. I think letting them experience it, as painful as it might be (but mine were more confused than upset) and letting them come to you - and then you can offer words of wisdom - is better than trying to protect them from it all. Because you want them to be resilient. If we step in - they don't get that opportunity.

I'm still in the process of learning this. It's hard I know. But really - don't think about the other girl here. it's just a simple yes or no for your daughter. There doesn't need to be anything more to it than that :)

Let your daughter decide. It should be up to her.

i agree with letting her choose, but
i talk to my girls regularly about how they should treat others as well as how they should expect to be treated. without using specific examples, and they have known 'those' types as well, i have made them understand that if a so called friend does not act like a real friend they are not worthy of time wasted. however you also have to make her understand that emotions and attitudes are surcumstantial and, especially in little girls, can change daily. therfore chances should be given, but a limit should be set on those. at the ages of 7 and 9 my girls know how to navigate these people and situations without making enemies, and they form meaningful and mutual friendships. you may think that she is too young to understand all of this, but she understands more than you know.

I would stay out of it and simply tell my daughter that the choice is entirely hers.

I think it's normal for kids to be hot and cold. My 7 year old son is lIke this with his best buds. They are young, trying to figure themselves and everyone else out.
Don't make it a big deal. If she wants to go great, if not fine. Unless this girl has been really awful to your daughter let her decide. It's hard but we have to let our kids handle their own stuff.

omg, they're in 3rd grade. don't get so hung up on the vagaries of their elementary school friendships. they're not 30, they don't handle them maturely.
work with your daughter on developing kind firm boundaries, understand that it's a lifelong process, not something she just 'gets'.
and then stay out of the way.
if SHE wants to go, let her. if she doesn't, she doesn't.
you have years of this ahead of you.
ETA i agree with some others that you don't dangle an alternate fun thing if she chooses not to go. declining an invitation is a choice, not a punishment, and flailing about trying to make it up to her will send a very unhealthy message of entitlement.
khairete
S.

I would let her make the choice.

It's ok to skip it if your daughter doesn't want to go.

I would have her go. The girl's parents will be there to supervise and there will be other kids there to play with. My kid would never miss a birthday party if her life depended on it. I wish I had a dollar for every kid that acts the way you describe. Sometimes you just have to enjoy the good and ignore the bad.

I'd let her decide if she wanted to go and just go with that decision. She can give a gift at the party if she goes, or just deliver it another time, if she doesn't.

If the whole class is invited then she should go. Otherwise she'll feel left out when the rest of the class is talking about all they did at the party. If she is one of a few people going and she doesn't care if she goes or not then I guess you'll have to see what happens.

Our girl was "friends" with a bully. This girl would do stuff to our girl until she'd react then this bully would run off and tell on our girl, that she was being mean to her. Our girl came home with bruises on her legs and arms and even on her torso so many times. This other girl has been banned from some many activities for her behaviors.

She invited our girl to her birthday party. It was across the board for the whole class. I made our girl go. I told her that it was better to take the high road...you know, "You'll always know people that you don't really like and don't want to be around but you have to be able to tolerate them when you need to" so she could learn about getting along with people.

She ended up getting to see friends outside of her classroom and they had a good time all the while the birthday girl was running amok opening presents and reigning at the cake table.

hot and cold is one thing. Nasty is another. If she will have other friends there as well, she should go and have fun. If the girl is mean to her, skip it.

Let your daughter decide. My daughter has a friend like this as well. I think my daughter's friends problem is that her parents don't spend enough time with her. Theyy let her roam the neighborhood trying to find someone to play with. She tries to keep the other kids in the neighborhood away from my daughter but gets mad when the kids play with my daughter. It's like she's in competition with my daughter and my daughter doesn't care.

When it was the little girls birthday I told my daughter that if she didn't want to go I could tell her parents that we had something to do that day and we could do something together. She did decide to go and had a good time. We hate to see our children being hurt by someone but I would let your daughter decide whether to go to not. Good luck!!