Calling All SAHMs....Night Duty Protocol

I think it depends on your husband's job. I am a SAHM and my husband NEVER got up with either of ours. He is an air traffic controller, and commutes almost an hour to work. So on top of his high stress and NO room for mistakes job, he has 2 hours of driving to stay awake. Him getting up was never an option. He didn't even get up to "bring me the baby" when I was nursing them. I just got up, quietly flicked off the monitor and went down the hall to feed them.
Fortunately for me, both our kids were good sleepers and were sleeping "through the night" (5 hours at a stretch or more) by 3 months. They did go through those phases later where they show up at the side of the bed several times a night.. but those passed quickly too, with consistency on my part.
We also had NO family nearby to help.

I just tried not to let the other SAHM "duties" get to me. I kept enough laundry done that we never were without clean clothes (and my husband ALWAYS has helped with the laundry. He even would help by cooking meals sometimes or grilling out), and the house was NEVER spotless... usually it was barely presentable. But, I tried to nap when the kids napped (and they gave up naps early, too.. so that wasn't much), and somehow managed to survive. My husband didn't sleep in another room, either, so there was no "co-sleeping" going on with the kids. To be honest, I liked the way it was most of the time. Frankly, even if he HAD gotten up with the babies, I would still have been awake anyway... At least ONE of us was getting some sleep.

It sounds more like you are just exhausted and resent him having "his weekends". That is a whole other issue besides getting up in the night. Maybe on the weekend he could take BOTH the kids somewhere during the day for a few hours so you can nap? Or agree to get up with them first thing in the morning so you can sleep in? Perhaps he could make Friday and Saturday nights HIS night to put them to bed? You could go to bed early and catch up on some zzzzz's.

Nobody else's "schedule" is necessarily going to work for you and your husband... you're going to have to work out a plan that suits your family. But if you allow yourself to focus on the "unfairness" of it, then you will only make yourself miserable. If you want some time for yourself.. then tell him that's what you need, and SCHEDULE a time on the weekend when he will be totally responsible for the kids while you ___ (take a bubble bath, nap, go to a movie, read... whatever).
Hang in there Mama!

wow do I ever feel your pain. You're absolutely right - it is really hard knowing what to ask of our hubbies when we know they work all day and "ALL" we have to do is stay at home with the kids. I thought I was literally going to lose my mind from lack of sleep - I was grumpy, shut down and irritable all the time. Much of the advice I received was to support him because he's the "bread winner" and he needs his sleep to be able to perform at work.

I can take that to a point but I was literally at my end. I had to be very clear with my husband and truthfully I didnt give him an option because I was just so exhausted and getting really resentful of his time at work, the bike rides, hobbies, etc. I temember telling him tongue-in-cheek that if what he wanted to be was a bachelor, then he was on his way to getting there.

We finally set up a schedule where my husband would be on nighttime "call" and would be the one to get up with the kids at least 2x during the work week and one day on the weekends while I stayed in bed. In the morning, he would get them fed and dressed and off to preschool etc. so that I could sleep or get showered. At night, I would often have to wake him up because I was in-tune and heard them first, which he hated, but it was important to me to stand my ground and take care of myself.

We also have a drop-in daycare in our area that I utilized whenever I needed a break or even just needed a nap. I felt guilty at first spending the $ but then I realized I am actually doing my kids a favor by taking care of myself. As they got older, things got better.

I'm not a SAHM either, but it seems like you guys get the short-end of the stick. I think staying home all day and entertaining/managing children is a full-time job too. You should talk to your hubby - you BOTH are working during in the day time and need sleep at night. You could take turns - like he gets night duty on Tuesday/Thursday so you can get a good night's sleep and you cover Mon/Wed/Fri so he can get a good night's sleep instead of you both being up all night. Also, don't underestimate what you do for your husband. How different would his life be if you worked full-time outside of the home and he had to worry about staying home with sick kids, picking kids up from daycare, what's for dinner, etc.? The fact that you manage the house for the family is what allows him to put in the extra work at the office to advance his career. His life would be much more stressful if you weren't "holding down the fort."

My husband has always shared in the work with me; I would have lost my mind if he hadn't, and knowing that he knows what to do and is capable of doing it if something were to ever happen to me has given me peace of mind. It has also helped build his relationship with our daughter.

This is how we did it: We simply took turns at first; he may be going to work but his body is not healing from pregnancy and childbirth. After the baby started sleeping 4 to 6 hours at night, we slept in shifts, I would feed the baby around 7:30 then go to bed around 9pm (we put the baby down as soon as she finished eating most times, sometimes she fought to stay awake and didn't go down until 10.) He would stay up until the next feeding at around 11:00ish. Then he would come to bed. When the baby woke next at around 3am and eventually sleeping until 5am, I would get up with her. This gave me 6 hours of sleep in one round and I always went back to bed when she was finished for another couple of hours (sometimes, I would bring her to bed to nurse and just leave her there with me). My husband would go to bed just before midnight and sleep until time to get ready for work so he would get about 7.5 hours of sleep. When we were able to cut out the 11:00pm feeding, life was much easier. She finally started sleeping 12 hours and still does at 2.5 years old!
My husband also took care of baths while I handled our meals and cleaning the kitchen in the evening.

This worked well for us b/c I often ended up with 8 or 9 hours of sleep even if it was broken up some. Getting 6 hours in a row was the key. My hubby only got 7.5 and sometimes 7 but it was all at once and he seems to do okay on less sleep than most people.

It was a blessing when she started sleeping all the way through the night and then we just took turns on the weekends. He would get up with her on Saturday mornings so I could catch a couple extra hours and I got up on Sunday mornings so he could sleep in.

How old is your second? Remember it gets easier after the first few months! My daughter usually went right back to sleep after she was 8 or 9 weeks along. I think the key to that was keeping the lights down low, being very quite, getting the bottle or breast to her mouth as quickly as possible, and trying not to show any anxiety about it that she could pick up on. Sometimes we put her in the swing if she was having trouble going back to sleep and that usually knocked her right out!

Good luck and hang in there! Congratulations on your new baby.

I'm a SAHM, and my husband has taken night time duty ever since our son was 6 months old. I don't think asking your husband to help out a little more with the kids when he's home is too much to ask or something that should make you feel guilty. They're his children too. I understand that he works hard during the day to support your family, but wouldn't he be working even if he were single? It was your decision as a couple to have kids and to have you stay home. That doesn't mean that nothing changes for him while everything changes for you. Being able to stay home with your children is a blessing and a gift - for your entire family, not just you - but it's certainly not a picnic.

Good luck.

This dilema of "who has it harder" has ended many a marraige. My hub and I went through many phases of thinking the other one had it easier. Luckily we talked about it and were reminded to help each other out and appreciate what the other does. Yes, he worked "harder" from 9-5, but at the end of the day he was off duty. I was never off duty. Mothering (parenting) is a constant thing, esp. with little ones.

You should plan a time to talk with him about how you both are feeling about the division of house and kid duties. Set a time ahead so you can avoid it all coming out in the heat of the moment.

I don't know what kind of work he does in regards to how potentially dangerous it could be for him to go to work too tired. Factor that in. But I would approach it in a non-judgmental way taking care to acknowledge the work he does, money he earns, and how helpful he is with your older child. He will hear your needs and concerns better if it is preceded by compliments and appreciativeness. Also try to just ask for what you need rather than accuse him of not doing enough. Remind him that you have not slept the night through for 3 straight years. Point out how tired you are, how you feel short tempered and how it is making you feel like you are not the patient mother and wife you want to be. Point out that if at his job he had co-workers buzzing around constantly distracting him with unrelated stuff and undoing the work he does all day he would go nuts. But that is your day, isn't it? You have chores to do, places to go, things to accomplish yet you have 2 little people interupting you, unfolding the laundry you just folded, spilling milk on the newly mopped floor, making your errands take twice as long. Both of you should take a moment to acknowledge, yes we chose to have kids and the first 5 years are very demanding. Know that you will get through it, esp if you can help each other.

As far as you getting the time you need to rest and replenish, suggest to him that you get "sleep in rights" on the weekend (at least one day) and that you get to tackle some errands or a restorative personal outing without the kids on the weekend. Even 3-4 hours alone to do whatever the hell you want, can be soooo invigorating. Let him know you need acknowledgement for all that you do as well and that being a stay at home mom is very hard work. I would say that if he isn't willing to get up at night to deal with the baby without grumping around the next day with the whoa is me attitude, you fully deserve sleep in rights.

Deal with this soon, before too much resentment builds up and the relationship is harder to repair.

Mu husband didn't do the night stuff because he went to work. Fortunately our kids started sleeping through at quite an early age. What caused problems was the weekends, because he would do his stuff and I would be so busy with the kids that I never got to do anything. In retrospect however, that was my fault. I shouldn't have been guilty about taking time off for me, and we should have taken it in turns to have an hour or two off. He would never have refused. It caused years of resentment for me and there was no need to feel like that.

My DH will get up the first time guaranteed unless he is extremely tired from helping me out. If he can't get him to sleep after 30 min he brings him to me to nurse. I get up the second time. When he was younger I got up every time since I wasn't so exhausted. Now I am just so sound asleep from being so tired my DH did this on his own. He can see I'm tired and this is his way of helping. When he is getting run down as well he tells me and lets me know he will wake me with the first cry b/c he really needs some sleep. I'm fine with this. Something is much better than nothing and it's really helping me stay calm and patient.

My hubby and I went through this twice, and in about 5 weeks going to be doing it again. My husband works 12+ hour days and commutes 2 hours a day, so I know that I am lucky he splits with me. I think he just couldn't handle me with no sleep and decided a few missed hours here and there while he was doing something he liked (video gaming) was worth it for his sanity. Here's what works for us....He lets me go to bed "early" (say...9pm) and he handled baby until midnight-one (depends on how long he played his video games ;). Most of the time I didn't sleep, but just relished 'alone' time. That, and the fact that I had a hard time letting go and spent my time listening through the door to make sure he was doing everything 'right' according to my standards! After that point in time, I was responsible for baby (and toddler, and now soon to be two plus baby). On the weekends, he sleeps in on Saturday, and I get to sleep in on Sunday. I breast fed too, but i just popped him on, popped him off and then went back to sleep.

Hmm. I would also resent that he had a weekend to do "his stuff". When exactly were you supposed to do "your stuff"? Does he (like my husband) have a hard time accepting that you do WORK? It is a lot harder to keep up with two babies (2 is still a baby) while trying to cook, clean, deal with household stuff than it is to go to work for x hours a day. At least he gets an hour break and can clock in and out! I haven't had a break in 4 years!!
Anyway.....If he is already sleeping in the other room you might as well co-sleep with your little one. At least until he is able to sleep through the night. I promise you it will be sooner than you think. After that the kids will be in their own space and you can relax a lot more at night and maybe get some rest.
At our house we used to trade days for waking up with the kids. I would do 4 mornings, DH would do 3. Weekends are spent as a FAMILY. We usually try to split up at some point for one on one time with each kid, but for the most part it isn't anyone's "time".
I would try talking to him about how you feel. Be ready to have a timeline/plan for the weekends that you can negotiate with. And really, my husband didn't "get" how hard it was to do what I do until I left him alone with the kids for 2 days. Then he understood.
Good luck!

Can you try to help your husband see that he gets days off, and you don't? A SAHM is literally 24/7...how would he function if his paying job was as demanding? My kids are good sleepers, but during those hard times I was the one to get up at night during the work week, but my husband would at least help on the weekends. He still does, by getting up early with the first one to wake up, and lets me sleep in as long as I can. I don't know how you can make him see that weekends can and need to be a break for you as well. I personally love the weekends - for obvious reasons, yes, but because that's when the whole family is together as a unit. I still am #1 in charge of the kids, it's hard to let that go, but I have the company and assistance of my husband....love it!
At the same time, I would try to tackle the issue of the little one not sleeping... I had no issues with my first child sleeping, but was in for a rude awakening with the second!! Out of desperation I turned to Healty Sleep Habits, Healthy Child- google it if you want to. It talks about the idea that sleep begets sleep. I also let my kids cry it out a bit. You know the difference between a panicked cry and an angry cry- it is easier to let them cry when they're just pissed! But they need to learn to self- soothe a bit, for everybody's sake! It gets easier and easier- for all of you!
Lastly- just in case this is something that might help- I watch a friends baby one day a week. She is always frustrated when she picks him up and I tell her how good he slept here! One thing I told her I do with him, and did when mine were littler was to give him his bottle after he wakes up, and to feed him his solids before he goes back down for a nap. I think they sleep better/longer on a full tummy! I know she rocks him all the way to sleep- but I have a 20 month old I get down at the same time, so I would rock him a little, then put him down in his bed and tend to my little one. While I did that, he used to cry for about 10-15 min, then I'd go back in to him and rock him and he'd be ready to sleep. Later he would cry, but fall asleep before I got back to him, and now he doesn't cry at all anymore!
Hopefully something here can help you out! Good luck!

Hi Amy,

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with things. As far as nightly duties. My husband always got the baby when she would wake up and changed the diaper and then I would feed her. She is 16 months old now, and if she ever wakes up at night, he still goes in and gives her back her pacifier.

I know he works all day and I am at home with her, but he understands that since I am with her all day that it is okay for him to get up when needed. The thing is, when she was younger and he changed her, he got to go back to sleep and I stayed up to feed her and then to put her back down. I think it is a good deal.

Hope this helps, and hope your hubby understands that you need his help too...you need him to want to help.

Okay, I'm not a SAHM, so sorry for responding, but I think you just really need to talk to your husband. Let him know what you need and come to some compromise. Maybe that is changing the style of how you deal with the kids at night. Maybe it is "No cry sleep solutions", "happiest baby on the block" or letting the kids cry it out. Make sure that you let him know your concerns. That the lack of sleep is affecting your mothering abilities and that you are afraid of your lack of patience and not being able to take care of them properly. Maybe the answer is bringing in a baby sitter for a couple hours a week just to let you catch up on some sleep. I understand the thought of he works and you are the SAHM, but being a parent is a 24/7 job and he doesn't get out of it just because he works outside the house. Yes, if he has an important meeting, I can see trying to handle it on your own for that night, but it sounds like you need more support from him. Good luck.

My husband has always stayed up later than me. He usually comes to bed around 1am. When the girls were babies, I would go to bed around 9pm (sometimes earlier) and husband would handle any crying or feeding of said babies until he went to bed. I would handle anything after 1am and I tell you, it does wonders to get 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep!

During the day, I would rest when the baby and toddlers were resting. Not that I napped, per se, but just putting your feet up and closing your eyes for a few helps too.

We would also switch weekend days. I would be able to sleep in on Saturdays (normally until 9am) and husband would sleep in on Sundays (again, 9am). Sometimes, I would go back to bed for an hour or so on Sunday after husband got up.

Not sure if our system would work for you, but I thought I'd let you know how we did it. Good luck!

I am a SAHM right now too, yes he has worked all week and is tired, but the duties need to be shared. We have 2 little ones and its hard to get house work done with them right there wanting to get into what you are doing. My husband gets to relax at night, no dishes or anything but he does play with the kids while I cook dinner and clean up after. On the weekends he does get his time but he also stays with the kids so I can get things done around the house or just relax. I am the one to get up with the kids but if we've had a rough night he'll give me a break once he's up so I can relax and take a break.

You sound like you really need some you time. Make an appointment on the weekend to get your hair done, or a manicure or pedicure. Leave the kids with him. Once he's alone with them he'll appreciate how hard you work and hopefully help out more. Let him know you need "you" time as much has he needs "him" time. My time is from 9-10 at night every night because the house is quiet.

There are books out there to help you get your kids to sleep all night, except the little one of course. I don't have a name of one, but they are supposed to help. If you could get your 2 older kids to sleep through the night most of the time, that will help too.

One more thing to add when you talk to your husband. Remind him you two made the choice so you could stay home with the kids. If you had a full time job the night time wake up calls would be shared because each of you need your sleep to function at work.

I'm not a SAHM, but I read your post and felt so badly for you! I know this is not what you asked, but have you considered reading "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" or "BabyWise"? These books have been so highly recommended by mamas on this website, and I have used BabyWise myself and it SAVED MY SANITY! =) Got my little ones sleeping through the night, and wow did that ever help.

That said, as a perspective from a working mom, my husband does half of the childcare in our home. He also does half the cleaning and half the cooking. Granted, I make more money than he does and work longer hours, but he absolutely does not resent being asked to help. Why should your husband resent being asked to be a father to his children? Just because you gave birth to them doesn't make them 100% your problem! I'm sure he loves them when they're bathed, fed, and happy, so he needs to love them when they are dirty, hungry, and crying too! My husband has found it to be extremely rewarding to share in the parenting of our kids. I bet your husband would too, but he just needs to be nudged into it. You need to be really clear with him that your job is a day job, and you both have a "second shift" when he comes home from work (that is, getting dinner ready, kids bathed, stories read, etc), and even a "third shift" (night time feedings etc.). During the first shift, he goes off to his work, and you go to yours. The other two shifts, you work together in your own home. =) Maybe that will help him wrap his head around it!

Like you, I begin to turn into the "Mom I don't want to be" when sleep deprivation gets worse and worse. I completely understand what you mean.

My kids were born close together and we didn't have any family around either. I know how tough it can be. When the kids were infants, my husband and I "split" the night. I would go to sleep after the kid(s) -- back then, the oldest was in bed by 6:45pm and the baby by 6:15pm, and I could be in bed by 8pm. He would handle any feedings until about 2:00am. I did all feedings after 2:00am. and, of course, all day. As long as I was getting to sleep by 8pm, we both were getting decent chunks of uninterrupted sleep.

My kids are older now. But on the occasional nights that my youngest cries at night, whoever is in the greatest need of sleep gets to sleep and the other person handles it...almost always him. The one thing that seems to make a huge difference for us is that I get to sleep-in on Saturdays and he gets to sleep-in on Sundays. Do you think this is something you could propose to your hubby?

I don't know if this is an option for you but I moved the kids to my bed. My hubby is in the Army so he isn't around a lot to help and when we had our first we didn't know anyone in the area (we had just moved) so I was totally alone. I had a big bed to myself and a baby that wouldn't sleep through the night so I just put the baby in bed with me. There are a lot of people who say this is a bad idea and I agree if you are a deep sleeper that it isn't a good plan, but I happen to be a very light sleeper. I also had a snuggle nest for him so he couldn't get rolled on or roll away once he was able to. It made him more comfortable and it let me get some needed rest. When he was 3 I moved him to his own bed and when my daughter was born I did the same for her. She is 4 now and was just in the hospital with pneumonia. She has been in my bed since she was released. She sleeps better there because it's where she slept as a baby, lets me keep an eye on her breathing at night and makes administering meds a lot easier since she is right there, so it helps later when they are sick too. Hubby never has been able to help at night because he falls asleep to easy. Over the 9 years I've been a SAHM I have accepted that he sees the kids as more my responsibility then his because he "works". It drives me crazy sometimes but I've done what I need to in order to make it easier on me. As for the weekend that is totally different in our house. If he is off from work I expect him to help because he is their father and it's part of his job just as much as his "work". We all need time to do "our stuff" and he shouldn't be the only one allowed. I would talk to husband about that because maybe he doesn't realize how selfish he is being since you haven't said anything yet. Once I sat down with hubby and told him that he needs to pick up some of the stuff while he is around because not doing so makes me feel like a servant not a mom he has been really good about helping when he can. Try to talk to him on the weekend when he is feeling a little more relaxed. Yes it sucks that we have to worry about their feelings more. My mom, who was also a SAHM for 13 years told me when I had my son that the Dad has been told his whole life that he is entitled to rest because he "works" and society reinforces that belief that the SAHM isn't "working" once you help him to see just how much you are working he may just start helping more. If all else fails go on strike for a day (obviously on a weekend) and see how he likes doing all you do. Good luck!