Dad's Work Vs. Child's Need for Support

maybe suggest to her that she tell him how she feels about it. Maybe it would hit home if he heard it from her.

Being a farmer is hard work, and it sounds like he is a good provider...but none of that stuff you have now matters.

If you can't spend time with your family and the people you care about what is the point of life? When you die you can't take it with you and all you leave behind are the memories and experiences you have shared with others. make it count.

that is what i would tell him.

I know exactly how you feel!! Well, the baby's not here yet, but my husband is a workaholic, and he gets it straight from his father, who was loyal and "there" for the family but not really present. As a result, my husband does not know how to relax, and he doesn't know how to express his deeper feelings, because this kind of dynamic was never modeled for him. I don't want this cycle to continue for our daughter.

So, yes, you are absolutely right in feeling that something is amiss, here, even as good as your husband's intentions are.

I've been slowly getting my husband to join me for outings, planning well ahead and keeping his calendar free of as many responsibilities as I can. I try to keep these outings closely in line with his interests, to keep him willing to venture out, and because honestly, with how hard he works, I feel it's a nice gesture to start out with things that help *him* to relax. You and your daughter could join him in those things for a bit.

But I think what has really helped, of all things, is acupuncture! It was purely an accident. I recommended acupuncture for my husband's sore neck and shoulders. The acupuncturist ended up treating him for the stress that was causing it, rather than just the muscle tension. He only went once, but said he felt more relaxed than he had since before college. With such long-held habits, he needs to go back a few more times, but his attitudes are definitely shifting, and it's less stressful and healthier for me, too. New things are opening up to us as a couple, even now, when our baby is due any day now, because we're excited to explore some new things, now that we're out of that rut.

Keep in mind, when you're feeling angry, that your husband IS prioritizing you and your daughter, but he's showing his love in a different way. He feels that, the more he works, the more he shows his love. This will help you to feel less upset about it, and this will help you to communicate with your husband in a way that keeps him from getting defensive.

Try to get him in for acupuncture. I have no idea how it works or why, but it really does. Don't necessarily tell him it's to resolve "his issues" - men hate that. Warm him up by showing gratitude for all his hard work for a few days, and when you tell him about it, tell him it's a present because you know he's always working so hard for the family, and you want him to relax for a bit. That's true, too! If it helps, make the appointment, yourself, give him the information, and drive him there ("I'm going out that way on errands, anyway," or whatever). This removes all of the usual obstacles to trying something new.

Good luck!

L.

Show your husband the hurt you have felt by your dad not being there for you and may be that will open his eyes to his daughter. Sometimes the best is the life you have had to save the one you love. And let him know they are only young once right now she wants him there in a few years that will not be so. And he'll want to be there and she will not trust him.

Y'know, I was angry with my husband for not spending time with us when he worked 2 jobs, and I wanted him to quit one. I told my Dad that I was going to demand my husband to choose...and my Dad gave me the best advise I've ever heard, I guess because it was from a guy's point of view: "K., don't you realize he's bustin his *** FOR YOU and he's doing it FOR YOU. If you ask him to choose, he won't understand because he's already chosen you...to do what's best FOR YOU. I don't get why women don't get that!"

I definitely would not yell at him or "let your emotions get the best of you. I think your husband thinks he's supporting your daughter by earning the extra money it takes to pay for T-ball and that's his part (that might be why he gets angry when you imply he's not being supportive). I would also suggest your daughter ask him to come, but ..."Dad if I help you (insert chore here) will that make time for you to come see my game, I really would be proud to have you there."

Good luck...and cut a guy a break if he's a good man!

Maybe have a conversation about the role your husbands father played in his life? Did he have activities outside the home and was his father available? If he was also a farmer I'm going to say doubtful. Most men, I think, believe the extra curricular activities to be the womans area. And if this is the biggest disappointment you daughter feels in her life with regards to her father....then she can be counted lucky....as those of us who had no father's in our lives know. I've had to have this same conversation with my 12 year old less than two weeks ago.
I would let the game days go - but make darn sure he plays catch with her!!!! That part is not mom's area! And just to add some FYI, having no father I really pushed for my daughters father to be "Part of her life" after our divorce. Big mistake on my part!! We just can't protect them from everything.
B.

I am also married to a workaholic. However, that is not an excuse to miss out on family activities. My husband will come home and stay long enough to eat dinner and put the kids to bed and then go back to work. It's all about priorities. My suggestion is to try to win him over with being nice and making him feel like he's the important person in the equation (even though it is really your little girl). Maybe since he works so much he feels like you girls don't really need him there because you do everything together. The trick is to make him feel wanted but without nagging. This is only a suggestion, and I am certainly not saying you have done anything wrong. It's just that sometimes I've found that men's fragile egos are not worth getting upset over, just fake it and make him feel like the king for your little girls feelings. When it comes to egos, men are so easily read. For example, tell him you know he's tired, but you made him his favorite coffee to ride out to the baseball field with you. Or do some little "favor" that only you can provide for him the morning of one of the games, then as you are leaving casually asks him if he'd like to go with you because you "would love for him to hang out with you." Be casual, be nice. It works for me. The minute I start in with the guilt trip of the kids wanting him somewhere, he doesn't respond well, but if I act like having him there would just be wonderful if he could make it, he can't wait to come. good luck!

I am a stay at home mom of 3 and have been married to the same wonderful workaholic for 13 years.

Maybe you should let your emotions get the better of you. Dad needs to realize there's more to life than work, and to get angry at the mention of said life - he's got more brass than brains. His baby's not going to be a baby forever. And God forbid, if something were ever to happen, what would his memories of her be? I'm a cancer survivor and young mother, so take it from me, every day is precious. Tell him its time to fish or cut bait. Good luck.

Peggy,

I don't have any advice...just empathy. My DH was a farmer when I met him and though we didn't have children at the time, I figured out really quickly that if I wanted to see him, I'd better join him on the combine or go help him with the cattle. He has since went on to college and earned two degrees so is no longer farming.

Ironically, my sister married his brother and they are still farming. She homeschools three children and in the farming months (late Feb- October) she rarely sees her husband. He is also a volunteer fireman and on the board at church AND takes care of his elderly parents. She has just decided to shoulder the responsibility and come to grips with her husband's job. It would be the same if he was a long-distance truck driver, worked on an oil rig, was in the military or was a physician. Sometimes we have to explain to our kids that Daddy would be there if he could but right now he is working hard to provide our house, food, gas, etc.

K.

Try talking to him and tell him how you feel, but remeber farming is hard work and is a sun up to sun down kind of job.

Maybe he can teach his daughter how to hunt, and the whole family can go duck hunting together.

Also, like the other ladies said have your daughter ask her dad to come to the games. Both of you could help him with some of the farm chores.

You did not say what kind of farmer he is. If livestock are involved it is more labor intensive than planting crops and waiting on harvest time.

The first thing you should do is try a different approach. Most times men never think they are in the wrong when their excuse is they are providing for the family. I understand personally how you feel. The first thing I would do is try writing him a letter and tell him exactly how you feel and how it makes you daughter feel. I would also express your appreciation of him providing for the family.The reason why I suggest the letter is because its a good way to say exactly how you feel without him responding immediately, it allows him to process how deeply bother you are about this matter.

Tell HIM word for word what you wrote on this posting. That should get his attention.

Farming is very hard work but since he is his own boss he could find a way to make it happen even if that meant getting up on game days a few hours earlier (which I know he probably already gets up before the sun)and completing his work or taking a break for the game and then returning to finish his chores. If your pleas and your daughters seem to be falling on deaf ears then maybe you should ask someone he respects to speak to him about it such as a pastor, a friend, another farmer, etc. It may help just hearing it from someone else. Right now he may be assuming that since you are attending these games that the parental support is covered but he probably just doesn't get how important it is for your daughter for him to be there too. If you can just get him to one game he will see firsthand how much it means to your daughter and that he really enjoys being a part of it too.
My husband also works really long hours and we had the same problems. When he was off work he thought it was his time to golf, fish, hunt, etc. and we actually had to go to marriage counseling to learn to negotiate this dilemma so we were both happy.
Good luck and please let us know how it turns out.

First of all, the hunting needs to go - if he has time to hunt, then he has time for your daughter and he has to choose his priorities. (If he's doing it for fun; if he's doing it to put food on the table then that may be another story). Although that is just one season out of the year, it is a start and maybe your daughter could look forward to it as their time together?? Tell him Yes, such a hardworking dad deserves "fun time", however, if there is no time leftover to spend with the kids, then the fun time has to be sacrificed. Sorry, but parents have to make sacrifices when they have kids. That's really the only solution I can come up with, since I know farming takes long hours and not too much can be done about that. That's why it's so important for him to spend any time left over with his family and limit fun stuff to an occasional weekend. My husband is super-busy as well - he works a normal 8-5 job, but also many evenings and weekends are spent working on, renovating, and repairing our rental properties. Any time left over he spends with our baby. He would love to do all the fun things he used to do, but he just can't now that he's a dad. Parenting takes sacrifice. Maybe you could show your husband some of the responses from all the ladies to make him understand, because just you telling him may not work. I like the idea of him taking off a couple of hours every so often to come and watch her games, then go back to work. That is not asking a lot of him, it can be done, and think of what it would mean to your daughter. Tell him this!! Good luck!

Ya know its sad because we can't contol our husbands. But we can Let them know about how the T-ball experience was, maybe your daughter could let him know, take pictures each time and show him, without saying you would like to have him there. Men are funny as soon as you want them to do something they will do the opposite. Just continue to include him in the fun you have with t-ball. I am not sure of his past, but he might not know how to be involved in his childs life, maybe he has never been taught and you will be his teacher. Hang in there, your not alone!!!

Was his father able to be around as a child? Or, did he too work in the fields or outside the home constantly as well. We seem to mimic what we saw or experienced as a child in different areas of our life. Was your husband aloud to play sports as a child. If not, he probably doesn't view it as a big deal. I wish you the best of luck.

My husband doesn't spend much time with ours either. He is there helping out at the T-ball and makes time for some of the "events" but not the quality home time. Guys tend to follow in the same pattern as their fathers/adult role models. It's hard for them to break the cycle because they don't know how. He has admitted that he needs to spend more time to with them but doesn't know how to make himself stop going. (Work, yard work, work at other's homes, and volunteering.) His grandfather (that raised him) was the same way, work then come home and work some more. When he's outside working on a vehicle or doing yardwork that doesn't involve dangerous machinery, I encourage the kids to go out there and spend some time in his element. That way they are reaching out to him and its not about me nagging him. If you can get him to sit down and read it, The Collected Wisdom of Fathers by Will Glennon, is a good book addressing this subject. And it's written by a guy so it's not another woman nagging him. Be patient and good luck. C.

Have you try just telling how you felt growing up with your father and how your daughter feels without him. Sometime man have little knowledge in this area, If he grow up with a little deals with his owe father it only makes things worse. God Bless you all.