Our 7 year old daughter is an extrovert--she needs other people around her in order to have a good time. She's very bright, perceptive and creative. There is a group of 4-5 kids in our neighborhood who she plays with after school and on weekends. They are always all over the place, bouncing from house to house. What I've noticed when they all come here, our daughter turns into a complete dictator. She knows exactly what she wants everyone to play, what role she wants them to have, when she allows them into our playroom (because the "store" either is or isn't "open") and she's just exhausting. I can tell these kids get tired of it very quickly -- it's like they can't keep up with the wheels turning in her mind. It causes a lot of drama that I wind up having to deal with.
I know she is not this way in school or when she goes to the other kids houses -- just when they enter her palace does she reign as queen! I'm at a loss as to how to taper this. I talk to her about it, I get on her case about it but every time they step through our door it's the same thing all over again. I feel bad saying they just can't come inside because I don't feel that's fair since my kids are allowed to go inside the other houses.
Does anyone have any helpful ideas for me?
It's funny because I feel like right after I posted the other question about how I felt like my daughter was trying to hang out with girls that didn't pay attention to her, all of a sudden they started coming around again. I know, kids are finicky. I guess it's just hard to watch all this unfold as an adult and I'm sure I am taking it harder than my daughter is!
Sometimes my daughter can be a "nice" dictator and I know she is a natural leader, so I don't want to take that from her by any means. But sometimes she gets really intense and frustrated easily when the kids get tired of her dictatorship or whatever game she wants them all to play. I know she really enjoys playing with boys and always seems to buddy up with boys at school (girls too but she is not shy of befriending boys) and I think a lot of that has to do with boys not minding being told what to do as much as girls do. However, our neighborhood is all full of girls which I think is part of the problem. It would be nice to have some boys to balance things out.
I don't know--all this kid drama is hard for me to take for some reason. I get very sensitive to it all, as silly as that may sound. Maybe it has to do with my own experiences growing up with friends and wanting to protect my daughter from being hurt by friends, but I know that is impossible.
Get the book Ladybug Girl and the Bug Squad. It is a story about a girl who has everything planned out exactly like she wants it for a play date. When one friend wants something different they have to solve the problem. It's a good book about solving problems and being flexible.
My helpful idea is to step back and let her do whatever she wants with her friends. If she treats them poorly then they'll start stepping back and will stop playing with her. Some lessons must be learned on their own. Or you can give her a taste of her own medicine by treating her the way she treats her friends when she's home. Order her around and make her do every single thing your way until she complains about it. Then you can have a talk about it.She can experience how it feels on the receiving end of things.
I've always told my son that he needs to consider his GUESTS and that they ALL need to agree on an activity or everyone can leave.
They usually come to a compromise like "we'll play basketball first for awhile, them swim..." or similar.
I tell him to ASK his GUEST/S what he/they would like to do.
Your only other post claims your daughter is kissing the other girl's butt. Which is it?
How do you know she isn't like this at school or other kid's homes? You know some of the kids are avoiding her so maybe she does. I know when my kids were little and had bossy friends we just stopped inviting them over. The kids always claimed to have other plans when they dropped by. I never told their parents hey, your kid is a bossy pain in the butt none of us want to deal with, the kids just stopped playing with them and hoped they got the hint
Is she a dictator, or is she a natural leader? Perhaps she is horrible, or perhaps she is good at assessing the "job" to be done (e.g. the roles to be played) and assigning things to the various participants.
So the kids are tired of it - yet they keep coming over. So it can't be all that horrible maybe?
Why would you decide these kids can't come over? Because you are worried about their reaction and their own ability to say "no" to your daughter? But wouldn't they a) stay home and b) not invite her over there if she were such a raging empress of all she surveys?
I think it's great that there are several houses for a rotation of play - so much nicer than organized activities 24/7. And they have a group that continues to play together - so something is working.
It might not be your style of play, but unless she is totally cruel and belittling of others (vs. assertive and opinionated), I'm not sure why you need to intervene.
My son always had a group of kids like this - back and forth to various houses. The other kids were always coming in and saying that my son sent them for a) snacks b) supplies of some sort c) requests of my time. I got annoyed at first but then I realized the other kids were totally fine with this, my son was the natural leader, and no one was offended. When we were on the beach, he was the kid surrounded by other children from 4 years younger to 4 years older, working on elaborate sand castles with my son as the "director" of this cast. There were no insults, no one being called stupid, no one being criticized. In fact, they were praised for a "job well done." Later on, my son was the captain of the track teams and now is a project engineer at construction sites, using his Civil Engineering degree to manage various subcontractors who specialize in different tasks/roles. Looking back, I should have known this about him at age 6.
So, instead of taking away her leadership role, make sure she is motivating in her talk and not putting others down. If she is bossy yet kind, determined yet supportive of others' efforts, leave her be. If (and not until it happens!) she starts losing friends or they are crying or saying they want to go home, then you can address her style. But so far if there is no problem, and if she has a willing group of participants who come over easily and invite her to their house, leave them alone to manage it or work it out. For all you know, each girl is in charge at her own home and this is how they work it out!
I'd start making it a practice to stay out of their play other than safety issues or when there is severe conflict that requires your intervention.
Aren't we all the queen in our own castles? lol
I'd not let her have playmates in her home so she won't be like this to them. If they ask why they can't come over tell them, my sweetie isn't very nice to company so she can't have any for now.
Be sure to inform the other parents so they don't think you've decided something that is far far from your mind. Let them know what a hiney she's being and how sad it is.
My daughter was/is like this. She's almost 11 now and it's gotten better as she's gotten older, but we had some rough girl drama years. If it's just at home I would sit down and discuss it with her, let her know that if she's too bossy kids might stop wanting to play with her, then let her decide how she wants to go forward. Natural consequences can go a long way towards helping her modify her own behavior.
If it begins happening at school definitely get the counselor involved, that helped my dd a lot. She had a strong spirit and sense of self worth, I didn't want to crush that, but I didn't know how to direct her to be more tactful with her friends - that's where the counselor came in and helped a lot.
I have to give myself the friendship lecture often. I am very opinionated and unless others are also strong-willed, they shrink under me. So, I have to dial down my personality in order to maintain friends. It is very hard, but unless I want to be alone, I do so.
Your daughter will have to make that choice, as well.
Stay out of it. The other kids will handle it. Eventually, they will get tired of it and stop coming over. And when she asks why, one of them will tell her, in no uncertain terms.
This seems like a good situation for natural consequences. If she continues to be a dictator, her friends will stop wanting to play at her house. If they continue to come to your house, it's not that bad and they can deal with it. Either way, I wouldn't do anything unless your daughter came to you and said "My friends don't want to play at my house...why are they so mean?" THEN you can have a talk with her. But for now, I would do nothing and let them sort it out on their own.
If they're all generally happy, no blood is being drawn or major tears being shed, I would stay out of it and let them navigate and try to solve their own problems.
Meh. I think you're too involved and concerned with your daughter's friendships. Step back and let them evolve. Your daughter will learn that when she behaves like a dictator, her playmates will tire of her quickly.
My boys are really laid back. I've noticed that when they have a playmate who is officious and bossy, they'll play awhile, but that friend will have disappeared off their radar after a month or two. I'll ask "what happened to so-and-so?" And they'll say that he was bossy or mean or started fights or whatever and don't play with him anymore. All without my intervention.
