My daughter is dating my sons best friend behind his back. They kept it a secret even after being questioned. This man has also been very close to my husband and myself for many years, even going on vacations with us. I feel morally it's wrong, they both crossed a line and have broken trust with the whole family. If this relationship is right then why did the relationship begin based on a lie?
I haven't spoken with my daughter in days. I didn't paint a real big picture, but their is much more to this story. I had been approached by several people earlier in the year asking how I fel t about the two of them dating. I didn't have a clue I asked my daughter, she said it was just a rumor. She also had been in a relationship with the same man for about 4.5 years. She was in two relationships at the same time (to me a big no,no). When asked she denied everything to her family. Yes, I should have comfort knowing she is with a man whom I have known for so many years, the downfall to all this is he is reckless, a bit imature and facing jail time for a bar brawl in early January, this is only a few, I feel morally it is wrong because she was in a relationship and knew prior how her brother felt and lied when asked. I can understand lying, but for 10 months to your mother, father and brother? Her prior boyfriend broke up with her, he moved on and my daughter was devistated, I can't figure out why if she already had someone else. At this time I can't accept the relationship for lying and not trusting in her family. We could have delt with it if it wasn't hidden for so long. She is 22 and he is 25. I understand that they are adults and they do not need anyones permission to date. I just hope they truely care about eachother for what it is putting the family through.
You never said how old they are, and if they are adults, it's really no one's business who they date. I think you are really overreacting. I think it's a healthy relationship because it seems like they have been friends for a long time beforehand. How is it morally wrong and what line have they crossed? I see nothing wrong with it and I think you should just let it go.
I was the perpetrator in this situation with my brother's friend in high school. It was my brother's friend who was afraid to tell him so I went along with it, feeling awful for having to lie to my brother (who knew anyway). We never outright lied because nobody ever confronted us, but it's hard to say what I would have done at the time had anyone asked us about it. Is your son aware of it? I would let your kids work it out. In my case the guy was dating other girls and knew my brother would not like that. Live and learn. I feel that parents step in too much these days and are afraid to let their kids make mistakes. They need to do this and suffer the consequences to learn.
My sister married my brother's friend and former roommate.
There is nothing wrong with it. I do agree that you need to examine why this boy is good enough to be your son's best friend, and a boy who is welcomed to family gatherings, but not welcome to be your daughters boyfriend.
I agree with the other posters, Beth. There's absolutely nothing wrong with them dating and for you to say you feel it's MORALLY wrong is just messed up. Why do you feel that way? What is this line that they supposedly crossed? When I was a teen, I dated my brother's best friend briefly - a boy I had known since I was six. Big deal. We're still very close to this day, even though he's married with two kids and we're in our 40's! You need to figure out what your REAL issue is with the whole situation and deal with it. Good luck.
I'm assuming the boyfriend is an adult since you call him a man. The only sensible reason that I can see why they would lie about the relationship (of course, lying doesn't make it right), is that since the boyfriend has known you and your family so many years respectfully, maybe both he and your daughter feel that the expectations for the relationship to work would be very high, so by not telling anyone in the family of the relationship, in case things didn't work out between them and they split, he could still have good relations with the family without any hard feelings.
Just my 2 cents,
M.
Hello Beth, Due to the strong beliefs that you have regarding the relationship, they feel they have to lie. This is not incest. It happens quite often. The family held this boy in high regards before this, so he must be a decent boy. If you lighten up on your opinions and encourage them to be honest if you lighten up, all will be well. They are young, so it is the adults that need to set the tone of the relationships. Don't set them up to fail by forcing them to hide. When adults take two steps back, the kids will actually take two steps forward. They want to be close to us, but too often we push them away by being too forceful. Good luck.
Secrets are definately no good. It hurts alot to find out you have been lied to. That being said, love is love. If these are two mature, responsible adults I say be happy for them. Its not like shes dating her sisters boyfriend and if things work out it could be great. How many people get to truly love there son-in-law like that.
There's a lot left out of your story, but it sure sounds like it's pretty fishy. I don't know how old your daughter is. There may not be much you can do except pray and be honest with her then try to empower her/build her up so she can make better choices.
Have you asked your son? Maybe he didn't want his friend dating his daughter. Jealousy?
I don't know. Maybe get all three of them together and the truth will come out.
Good luck.
There's nothing MORALLY wrong with it. Maybe just a LITTLE awkward. I don't see a problem. What was the reason they felt the need to keep it from everyone? Maybe for the very reason you have expressed: "Everyone will think it's morally wrong". What trust has been broken? Just because he's a family friend, that's wrong? Why? One would think that being a family friend, they couldn't trust their little girl to anyone better because this guy IS someone they know and should trust.
Your son maybe painted little sis in a different light and this young 'offender' discovered it wasn't true and saw someone totally different. Could be.
If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. It could be also that it will eventually peter out. Then you won't have anything to worry about. Except how you'll react to the guy afterwards.
I totally agree with just about every other post. What is the problem???? Exactly how is this "morally' wrong? I know lots of people who have dated and even married friends of siblings. Most families are excited to have a friend become family! Re-read your question. That's why they're lying about the relationship. You seem to be WAY over-reacting! Did you leave anything out? Unless your daughter is a teenager and this guy is like 25 or 35 or something, I don't see an issue.
I don't know if we all have enough info. to give accurate input. But, it sounds to me like the relationship didn't start based on a lie. It sounds like it started out as a friendship (assuming your daughter knew this guy from his history with your family) and that is how any great relationship should start out. I would think there would be some relief that you know and trust this guy...she could bring home someone you don't know at all. Now that the "cat is out of the bag" she will be able to honestly tell you why they didn't let everyone what they were dating. The only downside could be that things don't work out between the two of them and that could make for uncomfortable gatherings in the future. Maybe that is what you are worried about?
Good luck!
Just because he is your sons best friend and you see him as another son, she has probably always seen him as the "cute, fun guy" her brother hangs out with. And the reason they didnt tell you at first is they were afraid you would not be supportive in their decision. And it looks as if that is the case, you said "I feel morally it's wrong, they both crossed a line and have broken trust with the whole family".
Why not try seeing it as 2 great friends getting together instead of you daughter dating complete strangers. (Its a dangerous world out there).
Because they are sensitive to everyone's feelings around them....give them some respect for their decision not to be offensive to everyone so close....this man discusses everything with your son, and his sister is not an area he can be open and casual with him. This is a young couple, unsure about the future....and what it holds for them...
