Daughter Cannot Put Herself to Sleep

My answer may be so wrong to so many people...but I would just let her sleep on the floor of your room. Tell her that if she wants to be with you, she needs to go to bed when you do.

Really, I cannot fathom why people are so up in arms about a child needing their parents at night. How many adults can tell me that they good a good nights sleep when their spouse is gone (if, of course, they are used to that). Why do adults get to sleep in the same bed/room and children are sent away, alone, in their own rooms?? If you think about it...it makes no sense whatsoever!

You say that she is a normal child.....and she is. She wants her parents. There will be a day when she will be fine on her own....but until then it is your job to make her feel safe and secure. Now, you don't have to go and put yourself in a bad situation for this....but there is a solution that will work for all of you...and she is 9. Discuss it and make a decision together!

it's great that you acknowledge your role in this, but what are you doing to fix it other than 'telling' her she's safe and de-creepifying her dolls?
(if she's actually creeped out by her dolls, why not remove them altogether? but that's an aside.)
do you actually still lie on the floor in her room until she's asleep?
well.
just stop. right?
she's 9. she's pretty far advanced as far as reasoning powers. you get her a night light if she needs one, some white noise if that helps, a woobie if it comforts her, and let her read herself to sleep.
you just stay out.
the door can stay open.
but you don't go in.
you can also enlist her help in finding solutions. she's beyond old enough to participate in a discussion, not just be told things.
i'm just beyond astonished that y'all have been okay with lying on the floor of her room for 9 years! that's persistence!
now be just as persistent in knocking it off.
khairete
S.

She can put herself to sleep, but she has an established pattern of falling asleep with another person nearby. That's the pattern that needs changing.

Think of it as not so much a habit that she needs to break, but that she needs to establish a new way of doing things.

You can explain that it's simply time for her to have some privacy at bedtime, and that from now on, you and her dad will not be in her room at bedtime.

If she is truly afraid of dolls that are looking at her, or scared, then perhaps a few visits to a counselor might help. But if you think she's creating excuses to keep this pattern going, then you just need to be firm.

It's almost like taking away the pacifier when they're toddlers, or dropping off your child at kindergarten - you're not being mean, you're not being cruel. You're simply doing what needs to be done. Don't apologize to her, or bribe her, or coddle her. State: "you're nearly 10 years old. Mom and Dad have kept you company at bedtime for long enough. There won't be any more of that now." And keep your good rules about shutting off electronics and giving her a book. Don't indulge her about dolls and things. Treat it matter-of-factly and say goodnight. Then leave. If she cries, or stays awake all night, that might be what you have to put up with for a couple of days. Try to do this when you can have a day off or just plan on being tired for a day or two.

It's hard to make any type of suggestion, because you didn't say what you are doing. Really, go back and read your post. You said what you *used* to do (lie on her bedroom floor until she fell asleep), and you didn't even say when (or if?) you've stopped that. Now she's staying up later and "is afraid to try" going to sleep on her own. What exactly does that look like?? Does she throw a screaming hissy fit when you tell her goodnight and walk out of her room, and then sobs uncontrollably for hours never falling asleep?

So you covered the dolls' eyes and that wasn't enough for her... what does that look look? "Mom, I still can't go to sleep by myself." (you) "oh, ok daughter, here, I'll sit right here until you do."

Do you see what I'm saying? You didn't tell us what you are doing. What you have tried. And certainly not what she does in response or how consistent or insistent you have been (or not been) in trying to help her through this process of learning to sleep alone.

I agree with you, you guys messed up early on. But you really haven't given much indication that you aren't still messing up. I'm not trying to be rude. But, it sounds like you are still bending over backwards to keep your daughter from growing and learning to cope with her own emotions in any way at all. You want to remove all the discomfort from this. Well, it's going to be uncomfortable. And you just can't mitigate it ALL away. And even if you could, that wouldn't necessarily be good parenting!

She's reading a book before bed (no electronics)... but then what? Are you saying that she has never, not even once, kept reading until she fell asleep? Or are you saying that you sit in there WITH her every night while she reads?
You have to stop being the crutch and let her do this. And until you at least give than an honest try (YOU... YOU have to stop yourself from going in just as much as she needs to do this on her own... she can NEVER do it on her own if you ALWAYS intervene), then there is no point in seeing any therapist, in my opinion.

Wow. I've heard of letting a child fall asleep on the floor beside the parents bed, but I've never heard of this.

Give her a history of the world book and tell her that when she starts to drop off, to lay the book down and let herself drift off. Have her leave the bedside soft light on. You can come in and turn off the light after she is asleep.

Honestly, your daughter sounds like she has some emotional issues. Nine years old and needs to have dolls' eyes covered? Perhaps you should get a counselor for her to work through some issues with her. It might help. This might be a symptom of something else, and if this is the case, you need help getting at the root of the problem.

I can somewhat relate. I'd make her go to bed a bit earlier if she's actually staying up later than you guys. And I would do as some suggested and stay for 5 min, then say you're going to brush your teeth and will be back and keep doing the checking on her thing. Leave her door open which should help with the fear. One of mine insists on falling asleep with the door open which bugs me bc I feel like we have to be quiet but she's always been like this. Wanting someone with her at bedtime... When she's particularly bad, I'll do the go in and out of her room thing. My other child wants the door closed and practically kicks us out and she's younger. People are different.

Your daughter doesn't have emotional issues she is just used to you being there when she goes to sleep. A lot of kids are scared of certain things that seem weird to us. My cousin was like that. My aunt and uncle just stopped going in her room and letting her come in their room. They told her she was to old and that they were sure her friends didn't need help going to sleep. You may need to use tough love to resolve this issue. Good luck.

I don't think she needs therapy or a counselor -- this is a long-ingrained habit. Change is difficult for all of us, but it doesn't always require a counselor. She does this because it's all she knows.

Take the dolls or anything scary completely out of her room and store them somewhere else. Tell her at 9 years old she's a big girl and it's time, and then brainstorm some ideas of what she can use to help her fall asleep. Maybe some form of 'lovey' like a huge stuffed animal, or even a small animal like the cat idea below. This is a great time to promote lots of reading, because with enough reading most people fall asleep. Maybe some soft music. A little noise would be good. Maybe a hamster? (Or two - caged animals should have company.) I don't usually keep the tv on to fall asleep, but in times of great insecurity or emotional trauma I do leave it on for the background noise. I don't recommend a tv though, just soft bedtime music. It helps one feel not so alone.

You need to be matter of fact about this, and act like it's normal occurrence for her to transition, otherwise she will be more fearful. 'Honey, at 9 years old you are a big girl, and it's time for you to fall asleep on your own. So mommy and daddy aren't going to lie in your room any more. Let's talk about things you can do to feel comfortable in your room.' But she can do this. You need to allow her to feel some discomfort, because it will take a while to break this habit. In addition, promise her a nice outing or reward when she masters this.

Normally I might say 'just stop', but you and your husband have put this fear in her by allowing this to continue for 9 years, so it would be scary to just suddenly stop. That's why you help her come up with some alternatives to you and hubby being in the room. But it's time, tomorrow.

When my youngest was 2-3, I'd sit near the doorway to make sure felt
safe & could fall asleep. So I don't think you did anything wrong when you
did this "early" on unless she was as old as 7 or 8.

So, I'm trying to think of some aids:
-Does she have a bedtime routine?
-A set bedtime?
-A nightlight in her room?
-Do you let her watch scary movies? That's generally a bad idea at a young
age. I even change the channel with scary movie trailers.
-Do you leave her bedroom door open? This helps.
-Does she have a fan she can turn away from her so she's not cold but it provides "white noise"?
-Be sure you're not having her go to bed too early. Otherwise she'll stay w/her eyes wide open. Some people have a different sleep rhythm & are
night owls. One sibling was a night owl while I was an early bird & only
required 6 hours of sleep....ever.
-Dreamlights are usually for younger kids but she might benefit from it. It
projects lights w/a pattern onto her ceiling, lays by her bed or pillow & has
an automatic timer you can set to go off in 5, 10 or 15 mins.
-talk to her about how she's safe at home. (We, also, put locks on all our
windows & stoppers that can be removed in case of fire if we need to get
out of the windows.).
-Try black out curtains to ensure her room is dark so she can sleep better.
-Be sure she winds down an hour before bedtime.
-Have her see a therapist that can rule out any issues.
-can she read in bed & turn off a bedside table lamp when she's ready to go
to bed.
-Leave her door open & yours, too.
-Remove all dolls to a hall closet in a plastic bin she can take out & play with when she want to play.
-Make sure she doesn't sleep in too late so she'll be ready for bed at a
decent time.
-Have her be active & get exercise during the day. This will expend energy
and she'll be more tired later for bedtime.

Just stop. Take the summer and stop. At age 9 she should be able to go in her room and lay down and fall asleep normally.

I think you are allowing her to do this and you need to learn she will eventually fall asleep on her own. Just sent her to her room and then you go to bed. Let her cry it out if she needs to and she'll tire herself out that much sooner. She's 9, not 9 months old. If she's crying and you can hear her then you know she's okay.

I will ask though, what time are you trying to get her to go to bed. Our 9 year old stays up til around 10 in summer, it's not even dark until 9 and they're outside playing. After coming in and bathing and having a snack they go right out. At age 9 I'd think she'd be falling down tired by 10. If you're trying to get her to bed much earlier than that then maybe you need to let up a little on the bed time. Even starting at 9pm isn't too bad.

I had the same problem as a kid. I really struggled until I was probably a little older than your daughter! I remember lots of nights my mom sat on my floor until I fell asleep because I was so scared to go to sleep alone. (I shared a room with my brother until I was about 7, and after that I had so much trouble sleeping alone!)

Involving her in the discussion would be a good idea. If she can help you devise solutions to make her more comfortable, she might feel more secure in the process. Can she learn something like meditation or mindful breathing to help her be calm? If you're religious, could prayer help her? What about soothing music or white noise? Can she identify an image or place that makes her happy and give her something to focus on when she's scared? Try to work with her to identify the stress points (quieting her mind, the dark, fears about what might happen when alone, etc) and come up with solutions for those issues. And if she's a generally anxious type like I was, I'd recommend working with her now on ways to cope, because it might make her life easier down the line! Talk to her doctor or a therapist, too. I can tell you from personal experience that sometimes just having a few calming techniques can make a big impact when it comes to anxiety!

For myself, I basically just grew out of the sleep thing on my own as I got older and started wanting more independence. I'm now a competent, successful, and well adjusted adult, and there's no reason your daughter won't be too! She may or may not ever be a "great" sleeper, but she won't always need you there either. :)

I used to stay in my babies' room until they drifted off (just in sleep training) for a few nights (shorter and shorter) without picking them up - but I haven't heard of doing it with older children.

One of my kids has a hard time falling asleep. If it's particularly bad (usually coincides with a test for example) I let him stay up sometimes in my room reading next to me until he's just about ready to fall asleep. Then I nudge him and say "off to bed". But that's not too often. Otherwise he'd lie in bed staring at the wall, so I don't mind - but then again, it's not a habit.

Melatonin sometimes helps. It's not a prescription med - you can just buy over the counter.

A fan, a night light, having you in next room (to start) or in hallway (just read for a bit until she drifts off) .... I suppose it's the same as with little ones - you just have to move yourself out of the room. Music box? One of mine did that when woke in the night - would let the music soothe her.

If she's having a really hard time, therapists for kids can be really helpful. They can teach relaxation techniques and ways for kids to clear their minds so they can drift off more easily.

Good luck :)

If she's not able to sleep because she's scared, I can relate. I couldn't sleep without the hallway light on as a child. Try that and maybe even leave her door a bit open so that she can hear that you and your husband are around. And no scary books/television/movies, not only at night, but during the day too.

Our daughter was scared at that age. I used to sleep on a camping pad in her room for a while, maybe 2 weeks. Then I just sat on the pad to read until she fell asleep but I slept in my own bed, probably another 2 weeks. Then I removed the camping pad and sat on a chair to read until she was almost asleep. Then I sat in the hall to read. Then I would stay upstairs but in my own bedroom, either reading or watching TV. Both our girls seemed to go through that night fright stage but the older one just wanted one of us upstairs, the younger needed the above routine. She will outgrow it. I have acquaintances who did the "family bed" thing: mom, dad and kids all sleep in 2 king beds pushed together. There is a normal for everyone, it is just whatever works for you. If all else fails and there truly is some insomnia that is not fear but biological then a doctor can help.

My daughter had a really difficult time falling asleep at night.
We tried everything: having a bedtime routine, a warm bath before bed, reading to her, a white noise machine, leaving the TV on, "Relaxation" DVD's. You name it, we probably tried it. She just couldn't fall asleep without someone next to her.

We checked with our Pediatrician and tried Melatonin. It worked!
She would take some Melatonin before bedtime and while I read to her, I could see her yawn, rub her eyes....visibly be tired. She would fall asleep in minutes instead of hours.

I'm not sure if this is the solution for your daughter, but it really helped mine.
Best,
T. Y

Does she enjoy reading at night. I'd try letting her read and also let her know that you will be checking on her every 10 min. after you tuck her in. Then stick to it and go in a few times as she is trying to sleep. She just needs a little reassurance and something else for her brain to do, besides worry. I wouldn't make a big deal of it. Until my daughter was around 10 we spent many a night in her room until she drifted off. Then she didn't need us in there anymore. My son still needs us in his room occasionally now too. I don't mind sitting there and reading while I wait, since they get more sleep if they fall asleep faster. I also would make sure her bedtime works for your schedule. If you get tired at 10, her bedtime should be 9, so you have enough time for yourselves.

Honestly, just stop.

I'm totally against "cry it out" because it's confusing and traumatizing FOR INFANTS, but your daughter is nine! She's intelligent and reasonable.

Just tell her what you told us. Ask her to help. What's scary in the room? Does she need a night light? A lovey to snuggle? Music?

Then get out of there! And don't go back in.

If she stays up all night, she stays up all night. She won't do that for too long.

She needs to see that she CAN fall asleep... because she can. I've never met her and I know it. The trick is getting the three of you to know it.

If it got really desperate, I might give her a little Benadryl or something to make her sleepy so she'd drift off and have some success with it... but I don't think that's really necessary.

We did it wrong with our son as well when he was little (he is 11 now), but he was going to bed fine by himself before age 9. He sleeps with his bedside light on...he still does! He feels too creeped out by a dark room. He definitely cannot do electronics before bed. He reads every night for 30m or more. This seems to help him shut off and get sleepy. I am the same way, so I understand. Some nights I will go sit with him and talk about his day and then say good night, but then I leave him to read. Some nights I just say good night from the doorway as he is reading and blow him a kiss. Just tell her she is too old for grown ups to put her to bed every night and she knows it. How does she handle a sleepover? If she has a 9 year old tantrum about it...let her...empathize and tell her you love her, but that she needs to be more grown up now. Then stick to your words. Don't give in. Sit nearby outside her room and read a book. (Our kid's bedrooms are very close to our living room...so they know we are close). If our son had his way we would lie next to him every night...even now at 11 he would LOVE it if we did this. But no. He is too old for this. We did get a cat who likes to hang out with him and this has made him quite happy. Really you just have to not give in.

I thought his was for a toddler. Well, you guys will have to come up with a new plan.

Perhaps redo her room into a tween room so that it is appealing. Get rid of the dolls and put in a few stuffed animals or something. Make it pleasing to be in there. My daughter got in her room and I would have to pull her out she loved to be in it.

Be matter of fact about the change and let her know you love her and that will not change. But it is time for her to be in her own room and that you two are not laying down or sitting in there until she falls asleep. It is past time for this. Set a timer for 30 to 45 minutes to wind down and read and go to sleep on her own. How will she ever go on sleepovers or to camp if she can't fall asleep? If counseling is necessary seek it out for a few visits to get this under control.

Only child or not this does not make any difference. There are house rules and one of them is that she needs to sleep in her room and to fall asleep by herself and you guys need to have your room and bed back as adults. Life does not revolve around children all the time they are part of the family but not the whole family. They do need to see a loving mom and dad. When the child is grown and gone it will be the two of you and your relationship for the next 30 or 40 years and how will that fair?

Good luck to you.

the other S.

Our almost 8 year old daughter has a hard time falling asleep as well. She has never been a good sleeper and I think she has some insomnia as well. When she has a hard time falling asleep sometimes it causes a little bit of anxiety. We leave the hall light on. We read to her. We let her read. We sometimes play soft music for her. On the worst nights we even let her sleep with us (some would say that is poor parenting and enabling I suppose). Some nights I just sit in her room with my book and book light and read until she has fallen asleep. Lately I've been able to stay with her for about 5 minutes and then tell her I'm going to go to the bathroom. By the time I finish brushing my teeth and washing my face she is asleep. Sometime I'm really tired and I don't want to do it, but I look at it as extra time with my girl. All too soon she won't need me as much.

Like others have suggested, have her give you ideas on how to help. Is her room too hot or cold? Is it too dark or not dark enough? Is there too much junk on her bed? Would a sound machine with white noise help? Would soft music or listening to a book on CD help? Maybe even just a music box.

Maybe try weaning her off you being there. Set a time limit that you will read to her or stay in her room. After that time tell her you are going to leave for a few minutes but that you will be back. Shorten the time you stay with her by a minute every night and lengthen the time that you are away by one minute. When you go back in, don't talk to her. If she is asleep just leave. If she isn't just smooth her hair or something just so she knows you are there. Stay just a couple of minutes and then leave again.

Don't give any kinds of meds, even over the counter, without checking with her doctor. Someone suggested Benadryl. That makes both of my kids hyper instead of sleepy. If it does make her sleepy there's the chance that she will become dependent on that to sleep and I think you would much rather have her dependent on you than on a drug. Just my two cents on that.

It might take time. Try one thing for a week before trying something different. Give it time to work. Good luck. I know how exhausting it can be.

Hi, K.!

First of all, let me just say in my opinion, you did nothing "wrong" early on. Laying with your child until they drift off is a totally normal, and acceptable, thing to do. The only time I don't is if my husband is wanting my attention that night, I will kiss the kids and out the door I go. Hubby needs me. But other than that, I am happy to sit with my 4 year old until he goes to sleep or at least gets drowsy. I did the same with our 10 year old when he was younger, and he is just fine. It all depends on the child, and a smaller part the parents' actions.

This is not a 22 year old. This is a 9 year old. Help her feel as safe as you can, and slowly start weaning your way out of the room. Find out what is triggering this, because there are plenty of parents who co-sleep until age 5 who don't have this issue, so again, you didn't "cause" this. Perhaps something has scared her, or maybe she doesn't see you or dad enough during the day for her liking and she is using this to get the attention she needs. Whatever it is, please don't beat yourself up. Yes, it is something that needs addressed, but no, you didn't do anything wrong.

Tips:
1. leave a hall light on for her (this seems to work better than night lights because it makes them feel more connected to the rest of the house/people outside the room)
2. soft music or white noise, this helps my 10 year old tremendously
3. give her control. She takes out any scary items like dolls. She chooses the background noise. She chooses which light is left on. Then, she must try on her own to sleep.
4. if it becomes a serious issue, which it doesn't sound like it is just yet, then seek counseling. There is absolutely nothing wrong with discussing things with an unbiased, neutral third party.

(if it starts affecting your marriage or other aspects, time to up the game plan. I know if my husband starts to feel neglected because I am constantly in the kids' rooms, things are not ok at home!)

Good luck!

PS - and I LOVE three 3princes1princess' answer! She is still a CHILD! Do what you and your husband agree upon. It will all work out! =)