A little background iinfo. I divorced my kids father 10 years ago. (They are now 19 & 17.) At times, he has been an awesome dad to them, when he isn't involved with a woman. Last October, he got remarried (#3) and moved 6 hours away. Even before he moved, the kids had little contact with him, but he was still their dad and they could contact him and he did attend a few things they were involved in. He made them all kinds of promises about coming back to see them every other weekend and keeping them involved in his life. Of course, that didn't hapen. He couldn't find a job, couldn't pay support, couldn't even call/text them (even though he had a phone). The kids feel like he replaced them with his new wife and her kids, so even though I encouraged them to contact him, they haven't done it very often. When he was in town in March, they only spent a few hours with him and both kids were very upset when he left because he didn't want to see them. While he was here, my daughter told him that she was pregnant. He didn't say anything. That of course upset my daughter. She hasn't heard from him since then. She is thinking about getting married in July. Not sure if she should invite her dad or not. She has already asked her grandpa to give her away. I don't want her to regret not inviting him, but I also don't want her upset when he doesn't bother to show up for her big day. He and I have a decent relationship and I have considered trying to talk to him about this. Has anyone else gone through something like this or have any advice?
Thanks!
Thanks for all the great advice. I talked with her a little about this and the responses I received. She is going to read the responses and use them to help make up her mind. She is looking at a July wedding, so she has a little bit of time before she has to decide.
I have not experienced this, but here is my opinion. She should at least send an invite to dad( and his wife), and leave it up to him whether he shows up or not. However, please discuss with her both senarios...if he does decide to come or if he decides not to come. I just say send invite, therefore she won't have any bad "what if" feelings. That way she will know that she did the right thing and left the rest up to dad.
It's her decision. She's about to become a parent and a wife.
The time for wishing for an involved father is over.
It doesn't sound like he's done much to raise her.
If she doesn't want to taint her big day with past regrets or a no show Dad,
I wouldn't blame her.
Tell her to keep moving forward and don't look back.
Due to distance and health issues, I knew my dad couldn't attend my wedding. I sent an invitation anyway.
When he passed away, it was among the things that he saved.
It's up to your daughter, but I think she should send an invitation. He will arrive or not, but she will have sent it.
It sounds like she has plenty of time to think about it since she's not exactly sure when the date will be, but my advice would be to send an invitation.
Best wishes.
If she's old enough to be pregnant and getting married, she is old enough to decide if she wants to invite him or not. If it were me, I would send him an invite and leave it at that. Grandpa is already in place to walk her down the isle so her dad would really only be in attendance. If she does not hear from him, then she knows where he stands and how she can proceed. Best wishes to her (and you!). Good luck!!!
Well, she needs to make this decision, so I do not advise you to talk to him without her consent. But maybe offer to talk to him. She is an adult and she needs to live with whatever consequences come with her decision either way. I opt toward saying she should give him a chance and invite him. Then the decision is fully his, and he is responsible for his own behavior. Otherwise, she may always wonder what if and blame/quesiton herself... or he may hold it against her (unfairly, in my opinion). My husband is estranged from his father and at the time of our wedding, he had seen him once in the proceeding 10 years for a couple of hours if that. There was no question he shouldn't be invited. This sounds a little different because they have a relationship, albeit very flawed. He really sounds like a crummy dad. Nothing will make him be a better father. However, now that the children are becoming adults, they may have to accept the relationship for what it is and invite him as a "family friend" or aquantance, not "father of the bride." I think it is great grandpa is giving her away. "Dad" can be a guest, but it doesn't sound like he needs or deserves any special role.
It is HER decision to make, you can express your concerns about regrets but this is a ONE time conversation, do not nag. She will make her decision about this and your only job is to support her and help her make plans and preperations for wedding and baby.
You need to step back from this entirely. She's going to be a wife and mother in the very near future and has to make this decision for herself. If the man she has chosen is her grandfather, then he will have the honor of walking her down the aisle. If she would like her father and his new wife to attend, then they should sit at the front, but whether or not he is invited is her decision.
The only thing you can really do is encourage her to contact him and have a conversation about the whole situation. It is entirely possible that he's not happy about her pregnancy, but doesn't feel like he has the "right" to say anything about it so is just avoiding the whole situation. If she wants a relationship with him (even if it is infrequent), then she needs to pick up the phone.
If I had known how to contact my father when I got married, I would not have invited him. He was MIA and not interested in my life. I think that you should simply say she should make the choice she doesn't think she'll regret in 5 years and then let her make that choice. He may also not come if he finds out that he's not going to give her away. Either way, she should be honest about it and own her decision. Let the chips fall then, however he chooses to take it.
I no longer speak to my father, and I got married about a year after I severed ties. I invited him to the ceremony (NOT reception) for the reason that IF we ever repaired our relationship, he wouldn't have missed out on the big day. Honestly, I wish I hadn't invited him. It was very awkward, and he tried to spill his guts out to me in the receiving line. It's been 11 years since we've had any real contact, and I don't ever plan on having him in my life again. Only your daughter knows what is right for her and what is in her heart.
On a similar note, my husband's biological father is much like your daughter's. When he remarried, his new family took priority, and he only lived 45 minutes away. My husband never even thought about inviting him to the wedding, and has absolutely no regrets that he wasn't in attendance.
Been there done that!
My parents divorced when I was 8. My father was in and out, mostly out of my life. My mom remarried and I still consider my stepdad, my Dad!
I did invite my father to our wedding 23 years ago, but he chose not to come. He was PO'd because he wasn't walking me down the aisle. I'm sorry, in my opinion, parenthood does not grant automatic rights. Of course there was/is a lot of history and issues which really don't need airing here.
Bottom line, your daughter needs to do what feels right for her. Make a decision and don't look back. I have no regrets.
Sucks. Well, if you have a decent relationship with him then I might consider talking to him about how he hasn't spoken to his daughter since she told him she was pregnant. I wouldn't mention the possible marriage but I would just maybe encourage him to call her. I had an issue with my dad right before my wedding too and I was devastated, it mostly worked out by my wedding day but I would have been crushed if he had not been there. I also think you should continue encouraging your daughter to talk to him, but ultimately Dad is the adult and needs to take his big boy pill and at least TALK to his daughter.
My parents divorced when I was in second grade. My dad was in and out of our lives too. When he was around it was great, but growing up my siblings and I did feel that we were only wanted by him when it was convenient for him. During my college/ young adult years, there was a period of about 6 years that I didn't see my dad or talk to him at all. I would dream about him all the time, but had a fear of how I would react if I was to ever pass him on the street. For the longest time I swore up and down that my mom would be the one to give me away because she deserved that honor above anyone else. She had played both parental roles in my eyes. When the day did come that I was planning my wedding, I had a change of heart though. I knew that excluding my dad completely would devastate him more, than my mom sharing the role of walking me down the aisle. So I decided to have them both give me away. I am so thankful for extending that grace to my dad, whether he deserved it or not. I knew he was honored that I asked him.
I would discourage your daughter to make a rash decision about this, even though it sounds like there are obvious hurts made by her dad. Sometimes it is best to be the bigger person in situations because you just don't know what the future holds.
My dad had a massive heart attack several years after my wedding. He survived thankfully and the experience has been a revelation of sorts for him. He now realizes how precious his relationships are with his loved ones and now that I am 40, I have a great relationship with my dad and he adores my kids, as they do him. I say your daughter's dad deserves an invite to the wedding. If nothing else it shows your daughter gave him the opportunity to be included. My guess is he will be there for her on her big day. Good luck!
A.
I can see where your kids are coming from. My father left me when i was a baby and i have seen him through out his life an mine but he always told me he would give me his address an phone number etc but always ditched me. He recently tried to get into contact with me and acts like everything is ok. i do not like him even though he is biologically my father. I am to be married soon and he will not be invitred to the wedding, also i have a son that can be born anytime and i dont want my son around him because he is a bad influence. My father has many other kids in the world that i have yet to meet but know about and they all cant stand him either. his problem was alcohol and his other women. No i would not invite your kids father to the wedding, sounds like he is a dead beat and shouldnt have the priviledge to come. Also he may stand your child up on his/her edding day and that would be devastating to them.
Just ask her what she wants. I did not invite my father to my wedding, and there wasn't anyone I felt comfortable giving me away, so I read about modern ways of walking down the aisle..Here's how mine turned out: I walked halfway up the aisle by myself, and my future husband walked from the alter to the middle to meet me, and we approached the alter together. It was so romantic, and very appropriate for us. I wouldn't have changed a thing.
Just ask her honestly what she wants to do. Tell her exactly what you said to us--that you don't want her to later regret not inviting him, but also that you don't want her to invite him if it will upsetting to her, and that you support whatever decision she makes, regardless. Then, listen if she wants to talk or vent. And go with her decision. It's her wedding, so she gets to say who is invited. :)
I got married in 2009 at 40 something. My dad did walk me down the isle but I would have preferred to walk alone but that would have hurt my dad. My dad is old and one day he won't be here. I have had to spend almost a lifetime of healing from my missing daddy issues growing up and into adulthood. Your daughter will need to do the same. Ultimately it is her choice. She will probably need to make the best choice she can that will lead her to being healthy and whole for different people it means different things. I would try to encourage her to invite him (and his wife) and help her deal with her feelings. Marriage is a huge proposition and she is still very young. It would be better for her to be healthy and whole in her emotions so she will stand to have a better marriage and a marriage that may last. I really hope this helps and wish you all the best of life and living.
She's grown. This is the part where she makes her own decision and then lives with it.
here is the thing it is her wedding it is completely up to her if she invites him or not. If she hasn't had much contact with him I would say let it pass send him a letter afterward letting him know and move on or just send him an invitation to the reception. I would just let it pass it is her day and the last thing she needs is to worry about a dad that apparently didn't worry to much about her.
