Want to Do What Is Best for My Daughter

Personally, I'd ask her. But it sounds like either dad doesn't give a rat's patoot about his responsibilities to his offspring, or that he doesn't have a lot of say anyway.

Honestly I would find a more fun way for her to spend her time if that's the most excited he can get about inviting her. It's like that's the most extreme show he's capable of. He'll grow up one day and wish for better contact with her. If not, someone's already shown her better responsibility and affection, right? Been a better father? I also think that if dad REALLY wanted her to be part of his wedding, he could spring for the transportation to get her there.

I would tell her about it and let her make her own decision. If you don't tell her he may use that against you later. She is old enough to make this decision.

just send her to the wedding.....if he was a decent dad, it would be an honor being in his wedding. Since he's does'nt sound like a responsible guy, he should be glad she just attended. Stop agonizing over his actions.

I think your daughter will resent it if she is not at least given the option to go. Just because her father is a jerk and doesn't keep her informed doesn't mean you shouldn't tell her what is going on. If nothing else, this will help alleviate problems later with her blaming you for not let her see her father. Rest it squarely on his shoulders by giving her all the information and ability to see for herself. I'm just speaking from the viewpoint of a child of divorced parents whose mother often up and left the state. I spent a lot of time blaming my father until I was much older and realized what my mother was doing. My father tried to protect me from that and I think it backfired because I took it as my father trying to keep me from my mother, when in reality, my mother is just like your daughter's father. Whatever happens, be proud that you are the parent that is there for your daughter.

It seems like you are putting forth all of the effort to keep the relationship there - to make it short and sweet - I wouldn't send her. If it really meant something to her father he would have stepped up to the plate to include her. If you send her will he even have time to ackowledge her or include her and how would she feel if she went there and he didn't. It sounds like her family is with you and your husband - not necessarily with the biological "dad". Focus on that relationship and let him worry about building one with his daugther if he chooses. I am one who believes a Dad is the one who is there every day to tuck them in and spend time with them.

I have an eleven year old and a very similar situation as you! Wow...so similar it's kinda scary. I completely understand where you're coming from, but at the same time you have to think about your daughter and not the fact that she didn't get an invite or you having to go out of your way.

I came from a divorced family and my Mom talked about my Dad all the time. I even had to be the "middle-person" for them. So it's very easy for me to put myself in my daughter's shoes. If I were you I'd feel comfortable with the fact that your sister will take her, and then I would leave it up to my daughter. I think my daughter would be old enough to make that decision if she wants to go or not. She'll probably want to go...and if you don't let her go then she may put the blame on you in the long run (even though it wouldn't necessarily be your fault).

Let her find out for herself who her Father is...she'll realize it for herself one day that he doesn't come around much, etc. etc. etc.

Good luck!

I have been in the same place you are.My ex is a part time dad to,and let me say.It realy takes it`s toll on the child when they realize just how mutch the other parent doesn`t think of them or how they feel.ask your daughter, Does she realy want to go to something she wasn`t invited to?Just please don`t do what I did and cover for her dad.It realy comes back to hurt you in the end.Be as honest as you can for her age.It`s better she finds out from you than someone who won`t consider her feelings.

T., what a crappy situation you've got here. I'm truly sorry you are going through this, and the feeling of helplessness to protect your child can be overwhelming.
Unfortunately, our need to protect and shield them from hurt isn't always in their best interest. Eventually it will bite you in the butt. You should not burden yourself with the responsibility of forcing your x to have a relationship with his child.
I think you need to be as honest with her as possible, PDD-NOS or not. Social cues are tough enough for her, she needs to know that you will always tell her the truth and support her feelings and help her understand and make sense of them. Tell her the information you have learned. Ask her how it makes her feel. Tell her if it were you how it would make you feel. Remind her that you love her very much and will support her in every way.
You are NOT the bad guy here, so let yourself off the hook.
If she chooses to go or not, what kind of relationship does she have with your husband? Is there a way that he could take her out for a "date" to do something fun just the two of them to have quality time together? This might be a way for her to see that "dad" isn't about biology it's about being shown love.
Good luck to you all. You are a wonderful momma.

Hi T.,
I don't think you should bother yourself with it. If the father wanted her there he would have contacted you with all the details so she could be there. So you have done your job as a good mother and you hold up your end of the bargin, the rest is on him. Don't force her on him. If the situation was different or the other way around would you contact him so your daughter could not only just be there but be apart of the wedding and meet the other side of her new family......... Question answered!

I am in the same situation. My daughter's bio father rarely calls, never helps financially or otherwise except for holidays. My husband has been raising my daughter since the age of 5 and she calls him, "Dad". She is now 12 years old and has her own cell phone. She has given her "bio father" her phone number and he still never calls. She has made the decision to cut him out of her life. She tells me that he has hurt and disappointed her enough and she is fed up with it. She wants nothing to do with him or his family because his family tries to push him on her. I have never kept her from her father and have given her the choice. She has made the right choice in my opinion. However, if I could do it all over again, I would have cut off all ties with him years ago to avoid hurting her. I truly believe that without the disappointments, she would be a much more confident young lady. Please take my advice and cut off all ties with him now before he damages your daughter's self esteem and trust in men. Good luck and please keep us updated. God bless. :)

I wouldn't send her. I feel the father, girlfriend or at lease others in his family should have initiated her being there. It should not be up to you to call, find out all the info and make the arrangements for being there. And, just the fact that he said, 'she can come if she likes,' says that his daughter wasn't in the wedding planss or as a guest.

IMO this also say a lot about him, you mentioned in your 'SO WHAT HAPPENED' response, 'He gave up his rights to her to get out of paying $1,200 in child support about 3 years ago,'.

You should have said this from the get go...I'm sure most of the responses here would be different. If she ask to call him, I would do that, but I would leave visiting arrangements at his lesure since he squashed his parental rights!!!

No, I wouldn't let her go.

I know you are trying to protect her but maybe you shouldn't be, she is 9 so I'm sure she knows what kind of father he is by now. I suggest letting her call him and talk to him, explain to her what is going on and let her decide for herself. If you don't let her go she will be mad at you for keeping her away from him and if you do let her go and she gets her feelings hurt she will probably blame you for making her go lol no winning this one, just talk to her and be honest tell her what might happen if she goes or doesn't go, trust her to make up her own mind. Kids are smarter than you think sometimes.

As a child of divorced parents, I say drop it. My biological father gave up his rights to see me when he allowed my mothers second husband to adopt me. I had a great man to raise me who I think of as my father. but here is my point. My real dad would breeze in and out of my life whenever it was convienent for him. When I got married it was my adoptive father that walked me down the isle while my real dad was there just like any other guest. I feel that your daughters father is not interested in his child right now so why push it. I think you will save your daughter a lot of heartache if you just let it go. Then when she is old enough let her decide what she wants to do.

Please tell her and let it be her decision. If she wants to go she'll tell you. Then you're only responsible for assuring she gets there and home safely. She's (9) and I'm sure very smart.

She is 9, so ask her if she wants to go. She does not need to know her dad did not send her an invite. It is in her best interest if you hide that part. Tell her that she did get an invite and ask her if she wants to go. If she does, have your sister take her. She will be able to make her own opinions of her father when she is older, you just do your best to let her feel special from you and him. I do it with my daughter, when she tells me stories about how her dad said she hated peas as a baby when he would feed them to her, I would back that story up. He never fed her, he didn't even see her as a baby. But it is not in my daughters best interest to know that, so I fudge the truth so she will feel special. I know the truth, no one else needs to. Good luck.

I would send her because it is her dad, and you don't want her blaming you for missing her father's wedding. What he does when she is there is on him, let him be the bad guy, and I would let him explain to her that he is moving. Even though he is not very involved in her life you don't want to look like the reason she didn't get to see her dad's wedding. Good luck and let us know how things turned out.

Hello T., At the age of 9 your daughter is old enough to be leading the relationship with her father. If she wants to go to the wedding then let her go. If she doesn't bring it up then let the topic go. Unfortunatly you can not save her from the hurt that her father is causing her. You can only be the safe place for her to fall. My 3 children went throught the same thing with their father not putting them first in his life and they are still hurting as adults over it. Dont mention holidays with his family unless she brings it up or an invitation arrives. (Out of sight out of mind.) Just go on about your lives making your own special plans for the holidays. That way she has something to look forward to and this will help fill in the empty feeling being left by her father. She will deal with her feelings over this when she is ready. Good luck

Wow T. thats a lot. I had problems w/ my Dad being around when I was little too. I think at 9 my mom would have asked me if I would like to think about it and decide what I wanted to do. She was prepared to decide for me if I couldn't make up my mind. But she'd help me get through the hard emotional stuff, and I'd feel better getting to make the decision. And she could wright him a letter letting him know how she feels.
Good luck, A. H

I would send her to the wedding. If you don't you may be the "bad" guy later for not sending her. Make sure who ever goes with her is comfortable with the situation and can help make it a great day for her. The PDD-NOS adds to the situation so make sure your daughter has a good support network if the situation becomes overwhelming to her. My daughter has Aspergers and while enjoying weddings, she needs an escape hatch when she hits sensory overload. Just being able to leave a noisy room for a few minutes makes a world of difference. Make sure you send her "stuff" with her to ease the way. Hope it helps. G.

Be blunt. Ask her if she wants to go. If she says yes, allow it but don't bend over backward to make it happen. If she says no, honor that decision.

This shouldn't be affecting you so much when they are obviously not putting much effort into it. As long as you try your hardest to stay neutral, your daughter will draw her own conclusions about this man. It hurts to watch your childs bio parent let them down, I've been there!

~L.

I think you are and have done your part. In some cases it sounds like you did even more than your part. If he didnt invite her, I think him saying "she can come if she wants" is just an after thought. Don't go out of your way to make it easy for him. Keep in contact with his family for your daughter's sake, which seems to be working for you anyway and if he wants to see HIS daughter then let him make the effort.

Tough situation, mom. I'd ask her if she wants to go. She is old enough to have an opinion. Remember, he thought she was invited. I wouldn't force her to go, but if she wants to -- you will be the bad guy if you don't let her. You really don't need that with the knowledge that he is bailing on her.

Hang in there!

S.

At 14, I was lucky to even get an invite to my bio-fathers wedding. He didn't even let me stand up in the wedding. So, when I got married, I had my step-father walk me down the isle. My bio-father got up and walked out when he realized he wasn't walking me down the isle...lol. Karma! Sometimes, my kids see their bio-father and sometimes they don't. They are basically re-living my childhood (as far as the bio-father goes). I let them decide what they want when it comes to him. Honestly, I would prefer if he would just move and never hear from him again, but I'm not that lucky...lol. Just be honest and explain that some people in this world are just not good people and unfortunately, he is one of those people...and reassure her that you are all she really needs and you love her more than anything in the world, so she really doesn't need to have him in her life if he is going to be a bad dad. I had to do this with my kids and they are just fine with not seeing him. They know that when he says he is going to show up, he probably wont. Amazingly, they are really okay with it...but, they do know that I'm all they need, I'm their protector, and I love them more than anything in this world. I did explain how my bio-father did the same things to me and I really understand how they felt at first and they know why I never speak to that man and I'm just fine without him in my life.

Your daughter will be just fine and will probably be a stronger woman later with a better understanding of how relationships should and should not be.

Who are you trying to protect your ex,you,or daughter.

I think it should be your daughter. If she doesn't know why tell her and get her all worked up She will have this problem for the rest of her life. If your ex doesn't want her there or tell her about the marriage or moving Why would you want to do it She will be looking at you as the bad guy instead of your ex. You need to protect your relationship with your daughter It doesn't seem like you ex does not. She doesn't hardly know the man. Maybe you should work on the relationship that your daughter should have with your present husband. That is the most important one It is more important for them to have the love and relation Not the ex who is moving to Montana.

My mother and father were divoriced when I was 5 yrs old and I remember everything and it hurts alot.
She is going to hurt alot too either way why would you wnat the hurt caused by you telling him.

If you want her to know YOU SHOULD HAVE HIM TELL HER
NOT YOU

I hope everthing works out OK I will pray for you and your family If I can help give me a call ###-###-####

L.

Hi T.,

You mentioned that your daughter is in the autistic spectrum. Can she emotionally handle what is going on here? I would hate to think that in her mind, that if she'chooses' the wrong thing, it will be her fault if her father doesn't have contact with her anymore. The guy's a jerk, and keep in mind that his bride doesn't sound like she is going to be nice to your daughter if she shows up, she didn't even invite her. Has she even met her? Can she handle those immature adults, or would it be somethng that would harm her? What if she wants to know why she isn't standing up in the wedding, can she handle that type of disappointment? If you can prepare her for those scenarios, then let her go, if you don't thik she can handle that, then don't. What about his parents, doe she have contact with them? If her grandparents were going to be there and they will 'protect' her, that would be a plus, but if she is going without support of the people that are there, I'd hesitate. Tough one, good luck.

Yes I think she should attend then later when she is older and more able to process everything that has gone on there will be no regrets. It is possible that her dad really had no idea that his fiance had not invited her even though he should have said something himself.

I read your response as to what happened and I am sad for her. My 12yr old niece has gone through similar after a remarriage her father just recently wanted to sign of parental rights to her and that has been very hard on her. He also doesn't want to see her again and that is harder especially as a teenager. I wish you and your daughter the best in your decisions and I will say a little prayer for you and your daughter.

God Bless

If I were in your situation, I would put aside my own personal feelings and make sure my daughter attended the wedding.
At 9 years old, PDD-NOS or not, she is old enough to be able to have an opinion. Why don't you talk with her and find out if she would like to help her dad, whom she obviously loves, celebrate this special occasion in his life?
It would be a shame, years from now, if your daughter said, "Mom, I can't believe you didn't let me go to my own father's wedding!"
K

I would not unless an invitation arrives in your mailbox.

Just be honest with her when she asks questions. OR maybe better yet ask her if she wants to go and if she says yes then take her.

At first I thought to talk to your daughter and ask her. But if she is autistic, that may not be a good idea. Really I think speaking to a therapist who specializes in autism, would be ideal. She would not be able to fully comprehend the situation.

Quite frankly I don't think any child can understand why their father would not involve their child in his special day.

He gave you excuses as to why he didn't invite his daughter. It appears to me he never intended on inviting her.

Finally if she doesn't see him that often and now he is moving out of state, do you want her to go?

Finally their is a website call Our Special Kids. You may want to check it out.

Good luck with your daughter. It is good to know that her step father (who sounds more like her biological father) and you take good care of her and love her.

M.

If your daughter wasn't on the Autistic Spectrum, I would say talk to her and ask her what she wants to do. However, since you have a special needs child you have to make the call as to whether or not your daughter and handle a question like that.

Keep in mind, if he never intended to invite her anyway then he most likely is not going to notice one way or another if she is there or not. I would hate to have her go and then basically be ignored all day.

She doesn't see him often anyway. Does she even know he is getting married? Does she care? Will she care if she finds out she wasn't there.

If her dad was more involved in her life I would say it is a bigger deal to have her there. But he isn't. He isn't a constant in her life. So quite honestly, I do not see how it is going to make that much difference to her or him if she is there or not.

If it were me, she would stay home with me.

She's 9, so I'm sure that she would have an opinion of what she wants to do. I would tell her that her dad is getting married and she was invited (don't give all the "nasty" details of how that invitation came about). I would also explain that they are moving out of state, this way she knows that it may be a while before she sees him again. After all, who's going to pay for the plane ticket at Christmas - and how are you going to feel if she is out of state or flying alone on a plane. Then, let her make the decision.

I'd advise you to send her to the wedding. She needs to know what's going on in his life, even if its painful. It would be worse to keep this from her and then try to explain it later on.

Yes, he obviously doesn't know how to keep up relationships and its put a lot on you, but it is best for him to be in your daughter's life as much as possible. He seems willing, just don't capable of communication, so I'd continue to go out of the way, for your daughters sake. She seems interested in spending as much time with him as possible, so make it happen.

Don't allow yourself to feel justification for keeping him out of her life, even if its HIS fault. Its important for you daughter to know that you want her to spend time with her dad and you'll do whatever it takes to make that happen (within reason of course ;)). It sounds like with the out of state move she's going to see less and less of him unless he gets his act together. So make it a special time for her. It really helps when parents are on the same team as much as possible when they no longer live in the same house.

Best wishes!