Daughter Is 10 and Saying She Is Being Left Out

Does she participate in an outside activity such as sports or dance? That's a good opportunity for her to establish friendships. I have one child as well, and he is very social so he doesn't have difficulties finding children to play with, however he has had incidents when his friends are off playing with other kids, or have not invited him to play or sleepovers. I've told my son that it doesn't matter, and sometimes you have to put yourself out there and ask to play or sit with friends. I've also initiated having kids over to play as this also helps establish social skills and friendships. Other times you just have to play it out, and find opportunities as they arise.

Reassure her that not everyone has a BFF. Kids who save seats and feel strongly about a "clique" or a BFF aren't always the most secure kids or the cool/popular kids. Sometimes they are the needy kids. That's not to label them, but only to help her feel stronger and not left out.

Encourage more dates outside of school - start with play dates or maybe a movie date if there's something appropriate. You can pick up the other kid or have the other parents drop her at the theater (where you will meet them all), and then you can sit a few seats away from the girls so they have some "big kid time" but you are still supervising for safety.

Later you can progress to sleepovers if she's into that. That stops the pairing off as long as the "pairs" don't team up ahead of time to decide who's coming and who's not. The invitations should go to the kids in care of the parents, either by phone or email or snail mail. Meantime you can brush up on the types of activities the kids like.

I think, if she doesn't want to talk to the teacher, then she's doing better than you are. At 10, they are starting to see themselves as separate from parents, and that's okay. It's so hard to see our kids hurt, even a little, but the best thing to do is to make the stronger, have them branch out more to additional friends.

Aw. My 10 year old's BFF moved this summer. I was worried about what you are describing. Fortunately their classes have to sit together so there's no issue at lunch. But what I also did was make playdates. Let your daughter have a chance to bond 1:1. This has worked well for both my daughters. So have her pick a couple of friends or girls she likes and start inviting them over. Maybe not all can/will come but start cultivating more of a friendship with a girl or two vs just classmates. Too easy for the other girls to default to their BFF's.

i wouldn't over-work it. it's impossible NOT to wring your hands when your kid is going through this, but it's quite common, and supporting her while SHE copes rather than coping for her will pay off huge emotional dividends in the long run.
not every kid has a BFF, and that's both normal and fine. and naturally most kids want friends, but there's a huge value in them learning to be content with their own company.
most of the time the 'unpaired' kids tend to clump together into their own breakfast club sort of group. but not necessarily. and gravitating to *anyone* who will sit with her can backfire.
if all else fails, nothing wrong with taking a book to lunch and having a happy solitary sandwich.
nothing needs to be fixed. especially if the teacher sees no issue.
khairete
S.

Have her invite a friend over after school. Maybe one will click. If not, just give it time.

Encourage her to invite a friend over to play once a month (not always the same friend until one really clicks).

Encourage her to do something outside if school like scouts, dance, swim team, etc. this will give her an additional friend group and self confidence.

Thank you Moms for the wonderful advice. I really like the one about once a month have someone different over. Your right when you say it's been harder for me than her... as a Mom I just want to fix the hurts but I have to step back and allow her to navigate this new situation.
I would like to add I have tried to get her involved with sports, that is a no go. She is not athletic and not interested. We did girl scouts last year but she did not want to do them this year. She is involved with a academic club at school. She enjoys that. She is my only child and so there is so much to navigate - things which I have forgotten about. It's so different these days, with all this social media it can really be hard on the kids.

Thank you again, and I look forward to more of your pearls of wisdom.