Daughter Preference for Dad - Advice Needed!

You are assigning grown up words and feelings to your daughter's actions. She's little. Little kids live in the moment for the most part. At this age they fixate on basically 1 person at a time.Its not something you can change or fix because there's nothing wrong with it.

Said in a very loving way .... you need to get over yourself and accept that you aren't always going to be the parent of choice with your daughter. Her and your hubby's personality might mesh better than her and you.This doesn't make you less important or loved.

You're reading things into this things that a 3 year old simply is not capable of. She isn't giving you the cold shoulder, and she isn't looking at you with disdain. She is simply preferring her father right now. During those times when she was close to you, did your husband feel a bit slighted? You should ask him.

It is very, very normal for kids to prefer one parent over the other and for that to change from time to time. As they get older, their preference is often a reflection of the mood they're are in or what it is that they need. My husband is the one my kids like to be goofy with. I'm the one they come to when they are hurt or upset. Once in awhile I'm a little hurt by this, but most of the time I'm very happy that they are honest with us and what they need from us and that they are secure enough to say, "Mom, where's Dad?"

This is totally normal - I think all kids do this.
What you do is - try not to take it personally.
She loves you both.

It helps a bit when the current favorite parent insists that the other less favorite parent not be ignored.
I was my son's favorite a lot of the time.
If son was being rude to Dad (he was about 3 yrs old at the time) - I'd shower Dad with attention - which son didn't like but he eventually got the point.
When Dad was the favorite - if son was rude to me then Dad would shower me with attention.
Son learned we are a package deal and we all treat one another nicely.

Honestly even now (son is 19 now) - there are times when he spends more time with dad and times when he spends more time with me.
We all know the love is always there!

I think most everyone has experienced what you describe - but I think your interpretation of what she's doing is skewed. She's 3. Toddlers barely play with another child (they are much more into parallel play than real and sustained interaction). They bounce from one toy to the next, one activity to the next - unless, of course, the parent wants them to stop what they're doing, in which case they have a meltdown of some sort. You are ascribing to a 3 year old such emotions and actions as "spurning," "brushing aside," and "disdain" yet she's far from capable of doing that! She's also, at 3, not capable of a mature emotional bond of the level you seem to yearn for. You talk about what you've "always dreamed of" as if it's her job to measure up to your expectations - and if she doesn't, because she's only 3, you interpret that as your failure as a mother. While you say you are calm and balanced (which I'm sure you are when things are going well), you also say a simple toddler action makes you feel "so awful" and "blindsided." That's not a balanced or calm reaction, and while you feel you are covering it outwardly, you probably are not.

You feel you need to tell us that you want her and your husband to have "a relationship" but still, there's a piece of you that's competing, or at least seeing their relationship as a threat. What children need to learn is that love expands - there's not a finite amount that has to be divided among the available adults, with each additional person somehow diminishing the other people's "share." Change that narrative! Your daughter will be a stronger and more secure person if she sees that love comes from, and is given to, many people. People who have 2 or 3 or 7 children don't love the first one less, after all! So your job is to encourage, with every fiber of your being, healthy and loving relationships with her father, her grandparents, your best friend, any nanny/sitter she sees often, and anyone else in her circle. She should not be required to hug and kiss people - be careful there! Her body is her own - but she should feel loved and protected by trusted adults. This is better for everyone, but long term, you don't want your daughter to think that only one person can love her - that's what sends young women (teens and adults) into the arms of abusive and dominant men who say, "I'm the only one who loves you and no one loves you more than I do."

Don't ask her to feel empathy for you being "alone" - she's 3 and does not yet have anywhere near the emotional maturity required to feel empathy for anyone! It's why teachers don't require children to say "I'm sorry" - because they aren't sorry! They can (and should) be required to stop doing what's wrong or to give back the toy they took, but not to express an emotion they don't feel, especially when they then learn that "I'm sorry" means "It didn't happen and it's all fine" or "Do-over" when it doesn't mean that at all.

Now, modeling this love is what you and your husband need to do. You need to be happy (and say so) when she loves her daddy, and he needs to be happy when she loves you. Take a picture with them together, and show her how much you love it! Let him do the same for you. We also did family hugs and group hugs a lot! When she watches daddy hug and snuggle with you, she learns how to do it herself. Including her teaches her (without you saying a word) that there's room for love for all. That goes a long way toward letting her know that she can have lots of friends and doesn't need to (and shouldn't) focus on having a best friend. And it's okay for you and daddy to hug without her involved too - don't force it. You want her to respect your relationship with him as well, and have enough confidence to, say, go to sleep alone in her room even though you and daddy are together. See where I'm going with this?

Please try to get to the bottom of your insecurity and fears, and deal with them. Your relationship with her will always be wonderful if you give her the freedom to grow up and learn from you, rather than be required to take care of your emotions. The surest way to drive a wedge between yourself and your child is to require her to do more to take care of you.

Please don't lament the "loss" of a close relationship when you don't really have one yet - not because you are doing anything wrong, but because she's 3. If you put too much emphasis on these small slights, you will never make it through the challenges of parenting and certainly not the hormonal phases of adolescence when they really do things to push your buttons and let you know they've ticked you off. You must always be the one who is bigger than all of this, who has an underlying trust in the love you have and will always have. That is what she will learn from, over the next 15 years while she lives in your home.

D.,

How old are you? I ask this seriously because you sound like the girls from high school who got pregnant because their baby would love only them and everything would be perfect. Their baby would love them unconditionally forever.

Here's the reality of the situation.

1. Your daughter loves you.
2. She's 3 not 30.
3. This is normal. I have 4 boys, they move between their dad and I. And mine are older!
4. Stop thinking you're her "best friend", you're not. You are her PARENT. YOU PARENT her.
5. That "look" you FEEL you received? Please. Stop making mountains out of mole hills.
6. Your husband, HER FATHER, deserves a relationship with her as well. It's not all about you.

Please stop. When you "feel" your daughter giving you looks of disdain, know she's a CHILD and laugh it off. The more you make over it? The more she will see it upsets you. You may think you're calm and cool, but you're not. She KNOWS it. Stop. When she "chooses" daddy over mommy. Breathe a sigh of relief and move on to the next thing. Because HE DESERVES a relationship with his daughter too.

It is completely normal and, as far as I know, they never really outgrow it. My boys are not teens and sometimes they are total Mamma's boys, and sometimes they are all about dad. You can't take it so personally.

It sounds like she is trying out different behavior to learn about relationships. Hang in there!

Your question reminded me of when my daughter was 4-years-old. There was a period where she asked me every night if she could marry her dad. I would explain to her how I was married to him and daughters do not marry their dads. When she’d ask me again the next night, I’d explain again using different words but basically telling her this would not happen. I finally realized that she did not have logical reasoning skills developed yet. My responses sounded to her like I didn’t want to share. One day after she asked I told her that when she is 18-years-old if she still wants to marry daddy she can have him. She was thrilled and stopped bugging me!