Daughter Will Not Let Papa Put Her to Bed

We went through this with my daughter when I was pregnant. I was the one that ALWAYS gave her the bath and put her to bed. When my belly got in the way of both, daddy had to take over.

We did a slow transition (my daughter is not a huge fan of change) where daddy would sit in the room while we did bath/bedtime. Then daddy helped with part of the routine...and eventually did the whole thing. She fought us the whole way, but after a couple of times of each 'step' she was okay with it. Even now, she will still ask for me to give her the bath/put her to bed, but she is ok with daddy doing it as well.

Good luck!

Why are you talking about yourself in the third person?

Kids want security.
WE are the boss of them.
If you are changing the schedule around (dad putting daughter to bed), stay consistent, don't let mom intervene.
Parents make the rules and make the schedule, kids get used to it if it's consistent.
CONSISTENT so kids know what to expect. It's key.
Mom: "Daddy is putting you to bed tonight" Dad... put her to bed no matter what the consequences.

This is a very normal reaction that your daughter is displaying...so please don't take it personally. My husband and I also have a 26 month old who prefers me (Mama) to put him to bed. He also wakes at night still at least once and prefers me over Dad even though he's Daddy's boy all day long. On occasion, my husband has gone to him in the night or put him to bed and he cries for a while before giving in and going to sleep. Be gentle, but consistent. Expect some resistance from her, but don't give in and have your wife finish what you started. You can try both of you putting her to bed for a couple of nights, but if that doesn't work you have to decide what you think is best and stick with it even if it means nights of melt downs. Depending on your situation it may be best to wait a few weeks before tackling this project. Be sensitive to your daughter's need for security especially since she already may feel anxiety about the attention to the pregnancy and talk of new baby arrival. Your wife needs to really focus on making her feel secure all day long, not just at bedtime. My husband has the most luck putting our son down if he reads to him for a very long time and he naturally falls asleep in his lap.

Have you looked into the Dr. Ferber "sleep training" book? It sounds like there are a lot of "sleep associations" you would like to shift. It will be hard on her, it will be harder on you, but in 3-7 days, you will have a little girl who can go to sleep, stay asleep, and fall back to sleep in her own bed.

To help you all with this drama, you might just send your wife packing for a week. She can spend the night at her mother's a college roommates, a friendly neighbors, a carribean resort, or the local motel 6. She will get the rest she needs, and your daughter will have to come to terms with daddy putting her to bed, as there will be no mommy fallback option available.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

You have excellent answers. Your little girl just wants to call the shots, thats all. I think you should come up with a new routine and stick with it. If you decide that now it will be YOU that does bedtime, stick to it. It will be a rough few nights but TOTALLY worth it. Good luck :)

Spoiled.....put an end to it. Do a nice bedtime routine then lock the door when you leave out. Simple as that!

it took my daughter until she was about 3 1/2 to let me put her to bed, before that it was all daddy all the time.

The only thing that would work would be if Daddy wasn't there and it was just her and me. Can your wife try running errands one night, to see if you can put her to bed if she's not there?

You and mom should both be there for bedtime routines for awhile. She will either be fine with it or not. Either way, have the both of you do the whole routine for awhile and then I would try having some nights where you both put her down, some where just you do (but have mom pop in at the end for the good night kiss) and some where just mom does (but you pop in for the final good night kiss.) The most important thing is to teach her to be flexible with who is there for the bedtime routine (though the routine itself should be consistent, so make sure you compare notes on what happens during the routine!)

Bottom line, this is not unlike any other sleep issue that parents face with young children. She will need to learn that it's okay to let dad put her to bed, and she may not like it (kids don't like something out of their normal!) but will need to learn to be okay with it. It will probably be some nights of fighting and crying before falling asleep so you guys will need to be okay with that or mom will be stuck dealing with both kids sleep issues solo for ever :)

Also - it reallllly sounds to me like the real issue is not who puts her to bed, but about her not having good sleep habits. You and your wife really need to work on establishing good sleep patterns (appropriate bed and nap times, teaching her to fall asleep on her own, teaching her to stay asleep, to sleep in her own bed, etc. etc.) unless you want things to continue as they are (and be amplified when there's another little being needing your help to sleep!)

Being a parents does NOT mean you need to always be tired and underslept - you need to teach some good sleeping skills and it will not be easy because she has gone two years without being expected to develop any of these skills. Please get and read the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth. Read, read, read, before the baby comes and make a good plan for fixing these issues. For your sake as well as the kids'!!!

Grandma T is right--you are changing her "normal". If you are committed to it, stick with it. It may take a week or more of her wearing herself out and having pretty major tantrums, but if it becomes a daily habit that mama snuggles her at naptime and you take her at nighttime, then that will eventually become the new reality for her.

One thing that popped out, and which concerned me, was this line:
"Her whole life seems like a long phase and there are no signs of improvement. "

Unless she isn't walking or talking, there has been improvement.

I want to also suggest the book "The Science of Parenting" by Margo Sunderland. I think it might help you dial down your expectations. She's just two, her mama is going to have a baby-- her world is turning upside down. You will need to have a LOT of understanding and compassion for your little girl, no matter how much she rejects you at the time. She's just a baby and you are an adult-- if you find this somewhat confusing and are trying to figure it all out, just imagine what she's experiencing.

I think that it's a phase and while it seems tiring, it should get better. There was a time DD would not kiss or hug anyone leaving because in her toddler mind, if she didn't, they wouldn't leave. She still prefers me to DH when going to bed, but we let her choose. What you might try is going in during the night and doing some of the things Momma does - sing, rock her, etc. and see if she'll accept you at night. My DD was really mommy-centric about that age, and she outgrew it. If your DD is also used to cosleeping with Mommy, I would take that into consideration, too. I'd gently work on getting her to her own sleeping space, be it a mat on the floor in your room or a bed in her own room. Get a routine and stick to that routine. My DD knows if she gets up, she just gets put back to bed. You can also try a technique where you put her to bed (or Mommy does) and you sit in her room but don't interact with her. You're there for comfort as a presence but not interactively. She may cry, but the duration should get shorter and shorter as long as you stick with it. I sat in my DD's doorway during a transitional phase in her sleeping. These days she picks 2 books. She picks who she wants to read (often Daddy) and then she picks who she wants to tuck her in. We give her choices, but they always lead to bedtime. Hang in there.

Here is a great opportunity to start teaching her about kindness. I would let her know that it is not kind to exclude/pick her mom or dad. Although she is pretty young it is not too early to start talking about these ideas with her. My daughter would try and pick me over my husband and we would just keep saying, "that is not kind/nice". We would not get mad at her but just tell her to be nice and then not give her her way Also, sounds like she is running the show at night. This will be even harder on you guys with a newborn. Set up a routine and stick to it even if she protests. A couple of rough nights as she learns the new routine will be so worth it rather than have this stressful ongoing deal each night.