Dealing with Loosing a Friendship & It Affecting the Neighborhood

if this were me and my best friend i would call her out on her BS behavior. i would ask her what the problem is and tell her i would never treat her that way and that she knows that. in fact, i have done that before.

Wow - I think it takes some cajones to expect someone unable to conceive even with fertility treatment to assist in throwing you a baby shower, no matter how much of a "bestie" she is/was. Perhaps if *you* were a better friend, you might have considered how painful that would be for her & excused your bestie from shower duty ... and the whole mess may have been averted.

As far as the bullying of your kiddos ... come on! Grow a pair. Do whatever you have to do to make it stop, whether that's confronting the big, bad bestie, contacting the school authorities, or calling the police. Protect your children.

You say the two of you are very open with each other but neither one of you has bothered to say anything to each other about this situation. It seems very petty and childish actually. Why not just talk with her about it? Ask her why she's so upset with you. Once you've gotten to speaking terms you can address the bullying issue, which is far more important than the issue you and her have with each other.

Also if anybody was purposely speeding past my playing children in a residential area, I'd call the cops. Period.

As for the bullying on the bus, have your kids report it to the school or the bus driver. The bus stop for wait times and drop off is considered school property.

As for the baby shower ... did it really matter if she was there for another 10 minutes? If she was also trying to conceive, it might have hurt her to see you opening gifts that she felt she should be receiving. Perhaps her leaving early was her 'out' from having to sit through that. You going out to question her husband about it was like questioning a mom when they come to pick up a child from a birthday party.

What mattered was that she was there, to be supportive in some form or fashion. It shouldn't matter what she did or didn't help with, unless she is trying to take credit for something, or that she left early.

If it were me, and I really wanted to mend the friendship, I would probably write her a note or send her some flowers that said ... 'just thinking about you'...

Good luck.
M.

Can you guys sit and talk about it? Most relationship issues are caused from a lack of communication. Odds are her feelings are really hurt over something, similar to yours. She probably thinks you don't care and maybe you have said some things to her that have really upset her, which you wouldn't have realized because she likely didn't say anything. Was she able to conceive? Is that something touchy for her?

I would call her or email her or something, and ask her if you can talk. Tell her that you value her and her relationship much more than how things are going and see if she'll be willing to talk. Go into it with a kind heart and be ready to hear things that might hurt your feelings. Be ready to share what you need to in order for her to hear your side and understand you. And in the end, let it all go. Forgive each other and move on. I don't know if you can rekindle the friendship (depends on how interested both of you are), but you can at least have a talk and work on it somewhat.

I often think if people talked more to each other instead of just feeling offended (which is so easy to do!), there would be less situations like this:-( It's not fun at all! I'm sorry you are all going through this. I hope something helps to stop it from continuing on a downward spiral. (((hugs)))

First- As far as bullying goes -since she's refusing to communicate with you you need to go through the school. It's their responsibility to resolve behavior problems at bus stops and on buses. You need to contact them ASAP, unless you think you can talk w/her husband.

As someone who dealt with inferitlity for 2 years, she should never have been involved with planning your shower or being responsible for anything. I'm sure it was extremely painful for her to even be there as a guest. It's too bad that she didn't tell you she couldn't participate. I'm wondering if she felt very obligated due to the babysitting, etc. I went through a lot of pain being around pregnant women and babies as part of our co-op preschool. As soon as I got pregnant, I was able to deal again.

It's too bad that she's not really giving you an opportunity to resolve anything, but I have to agree that she's in a lot of pain and was probably really insulted by your request for her to stay and help. She was probably having her husband come as a way to get out of the situation (like a friend calling in the middle of a blind datewith an emergency) -Too bad she couldn't just tell you she needed to leave for her own sake. I think you could apologize, but it might be too late. I do agree she's not handling it very well now. But you may want to look more closely at your own behavior if you value the friendship.

You need to bite the bullet and talk to her husband and her about her son's behavior. Tell her if she doesn't nip it in the bud - you will - by filing a police or school report... same with the insane fast driving past the kids when they are obviously playing outside.

To make it even MORE plain to them... have your SIL go too and have her back you up.

The fact of the matter is that she is NOW acting like a total psychotic brat. I am not getting all of the advice here telling you to go back to her and suggesting you were wrong. If your friendship would have simply stopped and she did nothing more other than not speak to you a case could be made for that. But what she has done is act like a complete and total crazy immature idiot. I would not advise EVER being friends with her again. If it were me I would most definitely talk to the school about the bullyng behavior-you need to advocate for your children no matter who it is who is doing the bullying. I would probably also make it a point to 'innocently' try to find a way to point out her crazy behavior to all mutual friends/acquaintances (and your children's) thus rendering her friendless.

I'm having a hard time understanding this. It seems like it was your baby shower (but with you planning and picking up, I'm not sure if I'm right). According to other answers It seems that is the case.

I am not going to go on some tirade that you were insensitive. It seems like she wanted to do the shower. I can understand letting her if that was the case.

I guess, I would have talked with another friend in advance and let her know help was available if she ever felt uncomfortable.

The past is the past. Moving on: if her child is that aggressive call the transportation department and/or school and let them know what is going on ( in terms of the child's behavior, not the whole saga). They will likely place the child at the front of the bus and place a call to the parents.

It may be uncomfortable, but you should probably go talk to them. Start nice and maybe mention the shower was probably very difficult for them. Sympathize and feel out the situation. If they are being difficult move right along to the boy's behavior and ask for their help. Keeping it neutral, not blaming them, etc....

If they ares being rude and uncooperative, try to film their car racing by the kids and take it to the police. I know that is excessive, but that is a huge safety issue. Or at least call your local police and ask what they recommend doing for someone who is speeding by in the neighborhood.

I would just go to her and ask her (nicely) what happened? What made her back out of the shower, and what made her return your stuff? Maybe you guys just need a good talk....

When you have a friendship problem you talk to your friend. You go for coffee and tell her you feel her pulling away or just ask what is wrong. It might have come about due to do with something you have no idea happened to them or in your friendship.
It's late now since she's angry and pulled away. But, you could try to speak with her about it. Listen more than you talk.

You say you've always been able to talk with each other but you haven't told her how hurt you are about the baby shower or now that things have really escalated talked with her about how you're feeling about what is happening. I urge you to talk with her, now.

It's going to be difficult because it's been so long and both of you have a ton of hurt feelings. Before you try to talk, spend some time imagining how she must be feeling. First, you're having a baby and she isn't. Did you sympathize with her? Did you allow her to express all the pain your getting pregnant caused her?

Once you do talk be sure to use I statements. I feel this way when this happened sort of approach. Ask her how she felt and don't try to defend yourself. Sympathize with her loss. Not getting pregnant when you're trying is a loss every month when that period starts.

Perhaps start first by saying that you want to talk about what is happening and how you're both feeling. Say, that you're going to try not to make accusations and ask her to do the same. If the conversation starts to turn angry with more accusations than listening to the other then stop it for now. It may take several times to heal the hurt that both of you are feeling.

As to the bus stop bullying, how old is her son? Perhaps you could talk with him at the bus stop. Be kind but firm about how you won't allow this to continue. Read up on how to deal with bullies.

I do think it's essential that you talk with his parents about the bullying. I don't understand not talking with this family at all. You be the first to open up communication. Bullying is serious and his parents need to know it's happening. But again, approach it in a non-accusatory manner. Perhaps say that the strain in your relationship with them is being acted out at the bus stop.

Perhaps you could walk your kids to an earlier or later bus stop. I live in the city and my daughter changed bus stops when she was having difficulty at the one assigned to her. Just let the bus driver know.

Portland has a Neighborhood Mediation Office, sponsored by the city, to help resolve neighborhood issues. If you have access to mediation I suggest trying that.

I see red some red flags in there...could her husband have turned on his control freak issues? To abrublty change like that to means something else not you has changed her.

Maybe I'm wrong, I sure hope I am. But any real friend would have gotten over the not able to conceive at the same time...

Apologize for saying anything about expecting her to clean up - to her husband or to anyone else. And then give her a little time. I'm not saying she is right...just saying she needs a chance to feel a little in control like she has the upperhand. Once she can feel that, she might come around, give you her time, and then you'll have a chance to defend yourself if you have to.

I feel really bad for you- you've been such a good friend to her, you've spent many hours watching her children, and helped her financially....I'm sorry to say, I think she's shown her true colors :(

I wouldn't be able to respect her any more for the way she behaved -driving fast past the house when children were outside playing?! WTH?! Who does that? That says A LOT about them.

I also find it hard to believe she doesn't have any idea that her son is bullying your DD and your SIL's DD. Why would he start doing that? They must have said a whole lot of negative things about you all around him for him to feel justified in behaving that way.

Maybe I would be able to try to talk things out for the sake of civility, but for me, the relationship could never be the same. I just can't be friends with someone I don't respect.

Remember that you never know what truly goes on inside another persons home. Your friend my be having marital troubles, she may be extremely depressed, she may be very jealous of you and your sister-in-law - you just never know. I think the hardest part about relations with people, is we expect people to always stay the same. The reality is, life has so many ups and downs, sometimes we go through things that change us dramatically, sometimes we fall in a depression that takes years to grow out of, sometimes things happen and make us feel like the best person in the world, and that we have love for everybody, and sometimes we want to hide away from the world. People are complex, and having expectations about the way people should and shouldn't act is what ultimately hurts relationships. You may try and try to get her to sit and talk with you. She may not be ready. Maybe you will have a large argument - maybe it is what's needed to clear the air - it will be fine as long as you can apologize and move on. Some people cannot move on. I am sorry about the bullying, and that should be addressed, but how to address it without making the problem worse, is tough. Tell your children to stay away from him for now, to ignore as much as possible. Tell them that when someone bullies, they are doing so because of their own pain - it has nothing to do with them (your child). If he does hit or push (touch), that should be brought to the principal and bus driver - because that is never allowed and you must stand up for yourself in such a situation. Your child's safety is most important. Good luck and take care of yourself and your family.