Dealing with Mother in Laws Smoking Around Kids

So you are voluntarily putting poisons into your childrens' lungs and find this ok? Do not take them over there and expose them to that- period. There are certain states where they are trying to pass a law to make it illegal to smoke in a home with children. You can't control your MIL, only your own actions. You are doing as much harm to them by allowing them over there as she is. Look up some info on 2nd hand smoke or speak to a health care professional directly. You can pass along this info to your MIL- it's doubtful that she would care but it wouldn't hurt to try. Your #1 job as a mom is to keep your kids safe and healthy.

I am an ex-smoker myself and I quit smoking the moment I found out I was pregnant with my oldest. I can't stand the smell, sight, or anything to do with smoke. I would say tell your mother in law that she can't smoke around your children period. I know it sounds harsh to threaten her to not being able to have your kids come to see her but you have to do what you have to do as their mother. There should be no question about what needs to be done or how to do it. You have to do it the way you feel is necessary. My father smokes and I had to ask him not to smoke around my girls due to health reasons also and he goes outside his home everytime now. I would say if she doesn't listen to what you have to say the nice way then be more stern and put your foot down and tell her how it is going to be. You are your children's mother and it is your way or the highway when it comes to them so take a stand for what you think is best for your kids.

That is a hard situtation! Have you spoken with her about it? I would say that she most likely won't quit smoking because you talk with her, though. But, maybe she would be willing to come to your home and smoke outside when she is there.

Besides the health issues, I would be concerned about the kids relationship with their grandma. They most likely love her very much and will grow up to have great memories of her. Relationships, IMO, are as important as our physical health. When you try to make this better, try to keep the relationship strong as well.

Hi-
Ask you MIL which is more important, seeing her grandkids or smoking, and let her know that she cannot do both, and then follow through. You must advocate for the health of your kids!
Good Luck!

My parents went through the same thing when I was born. My grandpa smoked a lot and my parents were straight forward with him. They told him that he could not smoke around their kids, even though none of us had health issues, they did not want us exposed to it (if they could help it). They told my grandpa that they know that he loves his grandchildren and that we don't see him a lot but if smoked around us they would leave or ask him to leave. He immediately stopped smoke around us because he wanted to visit with us. You will have to be firm and leave if you see her smoking around your kids or if she is at your house tell her she has to go outside or leave. Remind her you are doing what you think is best for your kids and you know that she loves them but you are looking out for their health.

Remember that these are your children, you have to do what you think is best for them. I hope that your mother-in-law will see/understand this sooner rather then later.

I use to be a big smoker for 6 years (started in high school and through part of college). I knew that it was not health but just did not care, I no longer smoke because people started to not be around me due to the smell. I would only smoke outside, and at times I was outside smoking every 30 mins. Even if someone tell me it bothered them I usually did not care. Finally after pushing many away with horrible breath (which you can never cover up or even brush away) and the smell was always on my clothes I had enough and quit. It took many years for people to comment on the bad habit/addiction before I finally realized I had to stop.

If you are concerned about your children's health and your MIL obviously is not, have a nice chat with her about it. All you have to say is that your children have a bad reaction to the smoke and ask if she would be willing to work out some kind of compromise so that their exposure is limited.
You may have to start meeting in the outdoors or a no smoking zone like a playground or mall.
Your main responsibility is to your children. You are their first line of defense and their protector. Do what is best for them.

Hi N.,

I'm in the same boat, my mother smoke around my daughter. I finally got to a point because she spends a fair amount of time with her helping me out that I made it clear that it wasn't ok and then she started lying about it and I would catch her. I don't understand why smokers (like most now) can't just go outside or open windows or like my friend keep it in the bathroom with the vent on. I feel they are being very selfish not because they feeding their addiction, but because they are finding it more convenient to be able to smoke and do household work at the same time- it's a time factor for my mother that is a very heavy smoker.

I really need the help as a single mom but I caught her smoking around my daughter when she had Pneumonia once as well. More than anything- it just makes me livid because I feel that she is directly disrespecting my parenting and her excuse for smoking are just a part of her denial and typical addict behavior.
I know some couples offer to meet in restaurants if it's occasional visits- but my mother wont even got restaurant any more and if she comes to my house, she leaves after about 23- min even if she goes out for smoke breaks. She would rather feed her convenient addiction than spend time with her Granddaughter!

I think you need to tell her how you feel, and if it's occasional I wouldn't worry about but it but at the very least ask her to open a window or when its warm go outside.

I understand the addiction, but to me it comes down to a character issue- if they have the audacity to do it around sick children and not go outside!

it's obviously very emotional for me because I had to quit all sport and dance as a result of the smoking as a child because of my asthma.

I have friends that smoke in the bathroom with the vent on and it works really well- I am very sensitive to smoke and I don't smell it at all. Problem is that the resin sticks to the carpeting and the walls so it really isn't great for the kids to be in the home whether they are smoking at the time or not.

That is unfortunate. Smokers like her are just too selfish to change their habits. She's probably not going to change even for herself because her addiction is soo strong. I'd just tell her how you feel. I wouldn't be crass,...but I'd just nicely mention that you would appreciate it if she didn't smoke around your children or...if she's going to smoke, if she would open the window and smoke near an open area so that your kdis are not as exposed to second hand smoke. I think if most smokers know they are bothering people, I would think that most would do what they can to accomidate the non-smokers around them, just simply for common curtesy. But, you also have to prepare youself for the fact that if she doesn't stop her smoking behavior around the kids, that you will have to keep your kids from her home where they are subject to the damaging affects of second hand smoke. You are their advocate. You could pick up Grandma and have her visit you, dinner, etc...or meet at the park etc. Now that it's getting warmer out, maybe her opening the windows will become more of a real option.

My son's grandpa smokes in his home and his car. He knows how we feel about that and respects our decision. We told him he can have Caleb overnight, but there is to be no smoking with him in the house or cars. (I don't think we really had to say anything, I think he felt the same all along). When my son is with him, he'll go outside to smoke, and for a while he quit smoking inside the house altogether. I understand that it is his house, but it is MY son, and if he wants to smoke, that's fine, he can just come over to my house to visit instead.

As a smoker myself, I do not smoke inside my house or my car. I stand outside of our building and will walk away to the street or parking lot if there are kids out playing (I feel I'm setting a bad example) I do this out of respect for the other families. Just because I choose to do this to myself does not mean anyone else should suffer the effects. Your mother in law needs to see that she is harming her grandchildren; if she won't quit for herself, maybe she can at least quit around them.

PS. If any of you ladies have good methods to finally kick the habit, I'm all ears. :)

You absolutely have to adhere to no smoking around the children. I work in the healthcare industry, and it amazes me how many people say their family is so important to them, but refuse to have consideration when it comes to such critical issues, especially as 1) you have an issue with it, 2) SHE is suffering consequences of her smoking, and 3) your kids have allergies and asthma. You have to look out for your children, as they can't do it for themselves. I don't mean to sound harsh- but she's selfish.

I agree with one of the other replies, where your husband needs to have the conversation with her. You will not take your children to her house, and there will be no smoking allowed when she is at your home (unless she is out back, etc.- or at all). If she values them and wants to see them, she'll abide. But bottom line, it's her choice. I know it can be a hard thing to quit as it's highly addicting, but there are various resources to help her. Have her ask her doctor about a new drug, Chantix (assuming she wants to quit). It's helped a number of people I know who've smoked for years quit surprisingly quickly and easily. Good luck

HI N.,

I am a reformed smoker and I am horrified that anyone would expose children to that. The chemicals in cigarette smoke are absolutely disgusting. My MIL smokes also, in fact we used to smoke together. But once I got pregnant and I had my son, I told her she may not smoke around him and he will not go to her house if she continued smoking. I realized the dangers of third hand smoke and want to protect him as best I can. It's your child, you do what you can to protect them from harm as best you can.

My grandmother used to be the same way. She smoked 4 packs of cigs a day. She lived in a trailer park and her trailer was very clean but it was just yellow inside and you couldn't even see when you walked in because of the smoke.

But we were little and we loved her.

She ended up with the same thing and osteoporosis. She had to be placed in a nursing home becasue she had to be hooked to an oxygen tank and her bones were brittle.

She died shortly afterwards. It was sad to see her go through all that, but they are set in their ways and it's up to them to change. If they can't then it's inevitable what is going to happen to them.

My hubby has smoked for almost 30 years. He wants to quit, but he is having a hard time. My kids put signs all over the house for him to quit, my daughter even put his screen saver on his phone to read: "Quit Smoking".

We used to walk on pins and needles, but we don't any more. We tell him like it is. He doesn't smoke in the house because he thinks it smells bad. So we are okay there.
But he's coming along. Our kids are older now, and he still hasn't quit. They have to want to do it themselves.

Your mom should respect your fealings. I know my hubby respects ours for the most part. I would just tell your mom-in-law how you feel. Has your hubby done anything or said anyhting?

Good luck with your situation. It's hard because you don't want to hurt their feelings and yet you don't want to see them later in life suffer.

Best wishes,

J.

J.

N.,
I guess I don't understand how "this is a hard one". You don't agree with her habits. Of course she is allowed to do whatever she wants in her home, but that doesn't mean you have to subject your children and yourself to her second-hand smoke.

I know that talking to her about how you feel can be tricky. My dh and I have always had a family rule. If my family does something that bothers him, I speak to them. If his family does something that bothers me, he talks to them. The rule has served us well as we are both more comfortable talking with our own families than with our inlaws about sensitive issues -- it's just easier. Maybe your dh can speak to his mom and let her know that you all won't be coming over to her place anymore because of the smoke, but that she is welcome in your home as long as she follows your rules. You're not trying to keep her from her grandchildren, but rather keep your children safe and healthy. Also, you mentioned other grandchildren. Any chance you can talk with your other sister-in-law(s) about the situation and discuss the matter? It sounds imperative that you do if there are children with asthma and liver problems to consider. Best of luck to you!

as a former smoker-i quit 1 1/2 years ago- i do understand your feelings and those of your m-i-l. it's her house so you can't say where and when she can smoke in her home but you do have the right not to let your children go to her house. and you do have the right to let her know why. so have a sit and let her know how you feel and why. she'll understand. and just let her know that this is the way it's got to be. and she have to come to your home to see the kids and no smokin gon the property!!! good luck!!!