Dealing with Toddler While Nursing and Caring for Newborn

Hi M.,
I have an almost 4 yr old son and 19 month old daughter. When I was at your stage I have to admit, we watched a lot of cartoons. This kept my older son entertained so I could sit and nurse my daughter. I also reminded him often that "momy has to feed the baby just like I fed you when you were a baby." There seems to be something very comforting when they know you did all the same things for them. For bath time and bed time; I had a bouncer chair to sit my daughter in or a playmat to lay on while I gave my son a quick bath. Then I would bring her along into his room for story time and good night blessings. Sometimes she was crying and sometimes she would sit and listen to me read to him. It is a very hard time with the todler and infant, just take it one day at a time. Remind your older son often of how much you still love him and you love his new little brother too. Also, when the younger one is napping try to have a little one-on-one time with the older son (let the house work go for now..maybe ask hubby for help when he gets home:) ). Hope this helps a little!

All I have to say is God bless you! I did the same thing when my second child was born and I had a 17 month old at home also. The only advice I can honestly give is that it will get easier. It took me about a month to get a rythm down and our days and nights got a lot easier. I would stick to the morning bath if thats all you can get. Otherwise, bring the baby into the bathroom in a bouncy seat while you bathe his older bro. While the baby sleeps during the day (if at all) take extra time to cuddle with your older child and read books or just take a nap together, hes just jealous now but that will get better too. Good luck to you and don't try to stress yourself out by doing too much.

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you...but I wanted to thank you for posting your question =) I'm about to be in the same position as you...I have a 22 month old and am due with our second in a couple weeks. My husband is currently deployed, and will be for the next few months. I will have some help for a couple weeks, but I know my older daughter is going to want my attention over her grandmother's who she hardly knows (she lives on the other side of the country). Reading the responses to your question gave me some great ideas and makes me feel a little less overwhelmed...so thanks again!

There have been some good suggestions so far.

I will add that although I'm generally not a pacifier fan my last child (I have 3 under 3 years old) likes to suck a lot, and I like you can't afford to have him attached 24/7 so he has one and that seems to keep him happy at times when I need to do something else.

My other two didn't need them but this one does, each child is different and so you have to go with the flow. Your baby is only 3 weeks old, it will pan out as we won't require as much feeding as time goes on and the feeding process with fasten up in time. My boy is 2 months old now and I get some reprieve to play and give my other 2 some attention.

Also your older child will soon learn that he has to take his turn, to get attention just like the rest of us. It will all work out.

Be patient, it will work out.

My 1st two were 2 yrs apart & the younger one nursed so much I started to feel like a cow grazing in the field!!! :) I tried to have a basket with quiet activities near where we sat to nurse. My older son could cuddle up next to me & we could share a book, he could color/draw, etc. This kept him close to me & from getting into trouble & allowed shared intimate time w/both boys. As for the bath, try bathing the oldest when the baby falls asleep or just take the bouncy chair into the bathroom with you. The baby may cry, but your oldest needs to know that he is still important, too. Rest assured, it does get easier as the babies demand grow less intense. I even went on to have a 3rd child a few years later (even after having an extremely colicky & miserable 2nd child!!!)--hang in there, better days are to come.

K.

My first 4 children were 20 months apart and my husband was not home a lot so I understand what you are saying. With a little practice you can nurse and read a story at the same time. Then nursing time becomes story time for your older one. I would also involve him in care for the baby. He can fetch a diaper or show the baby a toy. As for bathing you can put the baby on a blanket in the bathroom or you can throw the baby in a sling. My fifth wanted to nurse all the time and be held all of the time so she was in the sling most of the time. For bedtime you can sit on the floor by a toddler bed and nurse or on a twin bed and nurse the baby and read stories or sing to your older son. It is still early in the whole parenting two kids adventure it will get easier and you will find your new normal. I have found it is easier to keep nursing on demand than it is to schedule when you have more than one child. The baby will find a regular routine and so will you there will be some give and take based on the daily things that come up in your life.

Hi there...

I have been there and I know how busy it can be. I know that you are trying to meet the needs of the new baby but sometimes you have to let him cry so that you can get other things done especially time with your older son. You can also involve him during the nursing process. For example, have him get you a diaper or blanket for the baby, get a book and have him "read" it to his little brother while you are nursing or have him get a little toy and let him play at your feet (so his baby brother can see... make him feel big and helpful). As for bathtime, I had to let my son play in the tub while I nursed the baby either sitting on the floor next to the tub or sitting on the toilet... I know it sounds horrible but I have learned to nurse in unusual places and at the most odd times. Then when you are done nursing, you can wash up the other and get the rest of his nighttime ritual done before the next feeding. It is all about balance... which I am still learning since I have a 6, 4, and 1 yr old (who I am still nursing as well). I hope that I gave some help.

Hi, I know this scenario well. My oldest is now 2 1/2 years old and my youngest is 7 months. When my son was 0-3 months old he sometimes nursed up to 15 times per day and I often did everything on my own b/c my husband travels for work. It was a rough go for us too in the beginning, lots of acting out and jealously from older son and guilt on my part (how to spend quality time with both). Even now, we are constantly readjusting to our kids' needs.

My son climbed all over me everytime I nursed too. Tough one to deal with because they are used to being your baby and its so hard for them to understand their role, the new baby's needs etc... We tried so many things. First off be firm about setting limits - this is how we behave when mommy nurses, explain in simple terms why you nurse (baby needs to eat), provide an outlet of activity for your older child and praise positive behavior (be absolutely silly about this). We had a special box of things for my son to play with so that everytime I nursed, the box came out and was put away after each nursing session. He also had a snack during nursing sessions, played playdough, watched a movie or PBS in his booster chair (safe but somewhat confined area for play/eating). We used time out for the big stuff and eventually for staying within the limits (no climbing on mommy, baby etc..). First off it was a total wash b/c he was so young but after a month or two the response and use of time out when needed began to click with him and his behavior improved. Lots of verbal praise and a few stickers here and there for very specific behavior.

The biggest thing that worked for us was keeping our oldest son's schedule as much as possible. Really sticking to wake up time, naptime, meal times and bedtime were huge. Its very hard when you are on your own to do all of this but maintaining the schedule helps your son feel secure and I found that it helped me get through the day even with all the nursing times. I also had to make a huge point of finding time for my son without the baby around. Whenever my little one slept, I made a big deal about my oldest son.

I'm sure you are like me, trying to find time to do just the every day things can be daunting not to mention find quality time to spend with both kids. I used my baby pack/carrier a lot to keep my little one close and still be able to accomplish things around the house and with my older son. I also found involving my older son in household tasks was not only a great way to interact with him but a huge help. When we did laundry he helped sort, dishes he helped take out of the dishwasher and he helped make meals with me too. These big boys tasks really made him aware of his role in our family and helped him feel important. Not to mention I was able to do the basics without worry of what he was getting into or taking away from time we could spend together.

Bedtime is a challenge. If you are able I recommend the baby pack. I was able to give my oldest a bath while holding my youngest in the pack. When it came time for stories and cuddling before bed, I put our little one in the bouncy seat or swing while I gave my full attention to our oldest. I had to keep bedtime routine brief often to attend nursing or a fussing baby but there was huge difference when I gave my older son even 5 full minutes of my full attention at bedtime.

Last but not least, don't heap on the guilt. This mommy gig takes a lot of finesse and on the job training. Having two kids is so different than just one and when they are close in age they need so much attention. I wish you well and hope it helps to know there other moms know your situation well and are making it through each day too. Take care!

I know this may not be possible due to your money situation, but if it is in any way feasible to get a part time mother's helper for a couple of weeks it would be money well spent! Check Craigslist- there are people with references available always looking for part time gigs. You need some time to get your ducks in a row- even if it is for 3 or 4 hrs a day. Good luck to you!

Hi M.,

I feel your pain. My Jess was born in October and her big sister Kate was 30 months at that time. The first month was absolutely crazy, and I experienced many of the same things. The first thing I would recommend is to - don't stop reading - stop nursing on demand. I don't believe in making a baby cry, but I very strongly believe in routines and their ability to fall into one if done properly. From my experience, that of my sisters (I have 5), and my friends, a newborn can be on a 2-3 hour routine, and you can still get things done and not feel like you're neglecting your older one (which you're not, and he won't remember it - it will all be a big blur in a few months :) Anyway, Babywise and the Baby Whisperer both suggest this: feed your baby when they wake, activity, put them down for a nap, and then you can take care of something. Make sure the baby is getting full feeds and not just snacking - a minimum nursing session should be 10 minutes for an efficient feeder. One trick I borrowed was to go into Kate's bedroom where she had her toys and close the door while I nursed Jess so I could keep an eye on her. Also, you can use your nursing sessions to sing songs or read books with your older one. Best wishes to you :)

My older son and I would read books, or watch movies on the couch together while I nursed his little brother. (yes I would prop the book on the nursing baby sometimes...LOL) I would have him bring me toys we could do one handed like blocks or roll a ball back and forth on the floor while I nursed. I had a sling and could nurse at the park while my older played or while we went for a walk. You will find a sling you can nurse in public with will help a bunch. Good luck and you will find your rhythm.

M., Mine are 19 months apart. I would check out a good baby carrier for hte baby. There are a number of ones you can nurse in, so you have a least one hand free for your little one. If you have someone local to you (there are babywearing groups all over!), get someone to let you try on some and help you with nursing in them. LaLeche leagues many times also have experienced babywearing moms.
A carrier like a wrap (the Moby stretchy one is great!), is a wonderful option as baby is secure to you, so you can do lots with your son while keeping the little one close. Take a look here for some options: www.handsfreebaby.com
I am in Dover, if you are nearby PM me, or whereever you are I can see if htere is someone nearby if you want to try it out!
Babywearing has been my lifesaver with 2 this close together.
Oh, and for baths, as soon as you are bathing the little one in a baby tub, stick it in one side of hte bath tub, and have your son play in the other. That way you can give a quick bath to baby, and then sit on bathroom floor and sing silly bath songs with your son while the baby nurses, that worked great for us. And just think, soon enough they will both be taking baths together having a great time, it is one of my daughters best times of hte day!
NAK (nursing at keyboard), sorry for the typos.
Best of luck!!
K.

I went through the same thing with my 2 children, now three and one.

One thing that really helped was to try to let DD help me get things together and to enlist the help of a mothers helper, a local college student to help for a couple of hours during the day and play with my daughter while I nursed, which we had a hard time getting to gel. It was really helpful and made life easier.

She did a little light cleaning and helped get lunch and nap all together with my then 2 year old.

I also sat down and created a flow chart/ organization table that helped me streamline the process and kick out some steps that just were making things more complicated.
A basket of tools really helps.

Though it is really a day to day endeavor, some days just go better than others.

Hope this helps,
T.

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My oldest son was 22 months when my son was born. First, let me tell you, you are only 3 weeks into this and you may or may not realize things are not yet back to normal so try not to be hard on yourself. It is hard at first and I did not know how I was going to do it. My husband works 24 hour shifts and at first like you said I would put one to bed and run into the bedroom to put the other to bed. I felt like I was not spending quality time with either but it gets better. You will find that you get into a routine. As far as meals, when you cook something make an extra large batch and freeze some. Being able to take something out of the freezer to eat for dinner is a Godsend when you are home by yourself with the kids. As far as baths I still have to alternate when my husband is at work - I just try to figure out who is the yuckiest. As I said things have gotten easier but it is still difficult if I am giving the baby a bath and the 2 1/2 year old is getting in trouble, I can not leave the baby in the tub - I just have to hope he will be okay for 2 minutes while I wrap things up. I never could/can really nurse around my 2 year old because as you said he would climb all over me, so unfortuntely I rely on tv quite a bit. I have the living room as kid proof as possible. I had a lot of people tell me to have activity books for my older son while I nurse - yeah that never worked because he wants me to work with him on everything which just actually added more stress while I nursed. At first, it feels that you are neglecting your children but things will get better and as I said you will get into a routine. I found that this has made my older son a litter more independent where he will play by himself a little which is a great thing. I am not sure if I have been much help but feel free to email me if you would just like to talk to someone in the same boat :) Take care

I would advise you to get a ring sling like a maya wrap or similar. That way you can nurse the baby hands free and be able to give your toddler your attention. Also for meals, the microwave is your friend. Steamfresh veggies and ready rice are staples here. For toddler baths, but the baby in the car seat or bouncer chair and bring it in the bathroom with you. I know it's hard. My autistic stepson was 3 1/2 when my first was born. He stayed with us and DH was deployed a lot so it was just me and the kids. Then my first was 26 months when my second was born. The baby is almost 14 months now and they get along famously. Is it possible your first wants to nurse again? My older DD will act out when I'm nursing her sister. Mothering Magazine just had something on un-weaning an older sib with a new baby. I nursed straight through my pregnancy, so we've been tandem nursing since. Hang in there M.. The first weeks are always rough until the newborn settles into a routine, especially with older sibs involved. Good luck!

My boys are 12mos and 2 weeks apart. They are 1 and 2 , soon to be 2 and 3 now, but when our second son was born I swear I wasn't going to make it out alive. Our first was at the age where he was just starting to get around on his own and was everywhere. Then I had to pump, b/c our second son, didn't want to latch on, but I still wanted him to get the benefits from breast milk. Plus he cried all the time it seemed like. I learned to let him cry if I knew he was okay (not for very long, maybe just long enough to change our other sons diaper or make something quick to eat) It was hard to listen to in the beginning to listen too, but it got easier. They always took bathes together. I would have one it the tub and one in the baby tub on the floor. Worked really well. I'd dress the youngest first (cause I knew he couldn't go anywhere :P), then the oldest. I included our oldest in everything I did for the youngest. From changing diapers, to getting a toy, to even letting him feed his brother (with assistance). It is amazing how much the older one wants to be included in his little brothers life. My son was "mommies little helper" and he loved and still loves it. Now they are older and they still help out eachother. It's really cute to watch. I quess the best advice I could give is to incude your oldest in things you do for your youngest and even things around the house. Stuff he can do to help. Good Luck and know it will get better! :P

Hi M.,
My youngest two are 20 months apart and I remembering thinking I'd never be sane again! They are now 4 and 5 and and love each other dearly. used to read to my oldest every time I nursed or watch a favorite tv show that I'd keep on tivo so that way even though I was nursing, I was still giving the sibling undevided attention too. I would find time (although it seemed if there weren't ever any) when the baby was napping to take 30 minutes twice a day to get down on the floor and just play with the toddler. Sometimes just that little one on one, even if it's 10 minutes still makes them feel special. Good luck and stay positive. The first 18 months are tough, you can do it, after that it slowly gets easier. It may also help to plan your meals in your mind or even prep them at night after your toddler goes to bed and remember not to expect too much of yourself. We are our worst enemies!! good luck.

My last 2 children are 20mos apart and my son was a preemie, so I was dealing with those issues and a toddler. It's not easy but it gets easier. My husband also works long hours and they vary. My kids are now almost 3 and 14mos. It will get easier!!! I found that things that helped me were 1) barricading my daughter in the room with me, she would try and get into everything!, 2) pre-making all of her sippy cups/snacks for the day 3) I also pre-made and froze meals for the week and planned menus out ahead of time 4)when nursing, she would have a snack, cup, etc... 5) also when nursing, I let her sit beside me, we'd cuddle, watch tv, read, whatever 6)for baths I would just run the bath and play with her and if the baby needed to eat then I nursed him while she was playing. I always had the bouncy seat with me so if I had to stop for a minute to do something for my daughter, the baby would go in the seat. Remember, it won't hurt the baby to cry for a minute while you do something. It took me a long time to figure that out. Have you thought about pumping for some feedings so that you could maybe spend time with your oldest while you husband spends time with the baby?