Death over the Holidays. What to Say Now to People?

I lost m MIL last year two days after Christmas and my BIL this year on Boxing day. I said "We made the best of it. There was a death in the family, but we managed to have a nice dinner etc..."

Sorry I am of no help, I am the deer in headlights person. Just wanted to throw that out there so if you go deer in headlights you know you are not alone.

Oh, I am so sorry. I can only imagine. This is tough. Share what you feel up to and don't feel guilty.

I am so sorry about your sister's death. I hope you and your family can make the holidays in the future a time to think with happiness about her amazing life and not focus on her death.

My sweet father-in-law died on Thanksgiving Day and we had much the same situation as you when returning to the usual schedule after that holiday weekend. It's tough. But I think you did well to say "I got through it."

I hope you will tell anyone at work to whom you feel close that your sister died. Did some of them know she had been ill? Tell them. Friends, including work friends, will want to know, and it will help you to tell them. Take them aside when it's a quiet moment with no kids rushing around and just say, "Hey, I know you knew my sister was sick, and I just wanted to let you know that she died over the holidays. It was tough be we are dealing with it." The support you'll get, even from those who stumble over their words of condolence, will let you know that others do care.

I will think of you and your family!

*I* would answer with "it was tough-My sister lost her battle with cancer. But were doing our best and Im proud of her tenacity"
I lost my father unexpectedly and the company did not send the prerequisite flowers. I still assumed that my manager sent an email to my co workers (as I had received when some of them had losses). About a month later I mentioned it to a coworker and he had NO IDEA. It made me feel even worse!! They had no idea why I ran to the bathroom so frequently after my short 3 day bereavement, why I drove home in tears, why I seemed to be a space cadet. He was my best friend! reach out a little and let your coworkers ease your burden. Wish I had!

I would say something like, " we had a death in the family so that made it hard this year but we are looking forward to happier times in the new year." Something like that which is honest but obviously you don't want to talk about the details. Sorry for your loss.

I'd tell them the truth. It was hard because your sister passed away. We had several deaths near the holidays in our social circle, and while it's really sad that they occurred, I more feel for the close family members than anything. I think you may find support at work if you tell them, especially since you are likely going to have times of grief or disorientation, and your coworkers can be understanding. For parents who just say hi, perhaps easier to say it was "OK" or "busy" but for people closer to you, I think you should tell them.

I'm really sorry. Losing your sister is hard. Christmas is harder.

I'm so sorry about your sister, J.. I lost my sister over the Thanksgiving holiday back in November. I understand how you feel. It's so hard.

A lot of people knew about it because I asked a few people to let others know. It helped. That's what I would have done if I were you. I would have asked your best teacher friends to let people know.

You still can, you know. People are still coming up to me and telling me that they are sorry about my sister. I tell them thank you, that it means a lot to me.

I think your answer "Oh, I got through it" is fine. I would add "There was a death in my family, you see." And then if you want after they offer condolences, just change the subject. You don't have to offer details. Most people won't ask - some will.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I think your answer depends upon what you need.

Need to hear condolences from others: "It was rough. My sister died after battling cancer and I miss her very, very much. Every day is hard."

Don't want to talk about it: "We made it through. How was yours? Is that a new sweater? I like it."

Again, my sincerest condolences for your loss.

I lost my dad on Christmas Eve...many years ago. Christmas was not the same for many years.

That year when people asked the question, I said, "Unfortunately, we had a loss". If you leave it at that, you have the choice to take a deep breath and say something kind like, "I hope you enjoyed your holiday". Or, they will likely ask you what happened, followed by "if you don't mind my asking".

I am sorry for your loss. There is not much you can do and you are not a debbie-downer for not saying things were any different.

"Oh, I got through it" is a good answer. No need to say anything more. At another time do say your sister died. Their questions about Christmas are superficial and so your answer would be superficial. Don't your coworkers know she was sick with metastizied cancer? Share your sister's death when it feels right to do so. If you haven't shared much about her illness no need to do so now. It's OK to say you don't want to talk about it. You can respond by saying "thank you for asking" or "thank you for your concern" and change the topic. You could tell a friend on the staff that you are uncomfortable with questions. She can then share that you don't want to talk about it.

It's been my experience that school staff are somewhat close. They care about each other in many cases. Would it help you to consider some of those questions to come out of that concern? Of course some are just curious. You can respond differently depending on how you feel about their comments.

Again, a vague answer is perfectly OK.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Without going into detail? I would say, it was fine, thank you. How was yours? If you were able to be around family, say you were with family. How was yours?

Did any of your co-workers know your sister? Do you want a lot of attention brought to you over this? I ask because if you post a notice in the break room with a treat of some sort as suggested, it might be hard on you having people come up to you and expressing their sympathies over and over again.

Grief has no time limit. My family is still dealing with the loss of my father in law last May. This past holiday season was rough on all of us. I can only guess what you are going through. I'm truly sorry for your loss.

I do know it's okay to talk about it. It has helped us. It does get easier over time.

It depends on the person asking. I have had a lot of people ask me that at work over the last week or so. Some of them are professional acquaintences only. I think I would always answer them "good, how was yours?" In your situation, I would honestly say the same. It is just a polite question, the person asking does not really want a big story, good or bad. If there were a few positive things, line those up for a quick response- my son got that bike he has been wanting, something like that. One or two sentences, then the conversation will move on.

If the person asking is a close friend, I assume they will know not to ask. If they are a "work friend," I would probably base my answer on the circumstance. As you are walking into the classroom full of students, probably not the time to get into it. Maybe- it was a tough one for me, maybe we can talk later? That lets them know that you do not want to get into it right away but is a more honest, real answer than the polite-conversation "fine, thanks, and you?"

"Fine, thanks. How was yours?" if you want to keep private and deflect.

I'm sorry for your loss. You had to deal with two losses...one of a friend at Thanksgiving and now your sister at Christmas.

I would say - Thanks for asking! How was yours?

You don't even need to go into it....you could say, I've had better and would prefer NOT to talk about it...how was yours? When you respond with thanks for asking, how was yours? You acknowledge their question but put it back on them...

I'm sorry for your loss. May her memory be eternal.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I think it depends in the day. One dsy you may feel like sharing other days not so much. I think once one person knows what happened, everyone will be very supportive. One day at a time.

When you don't want to get into it: "I've had better. How was yours?"

But I wouldn't be afraid to share with people you work with every day, or ask a trusted colleague to spread the news so people know what you are dealing with.

Wishing you well, and I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think "How were your Holidays?" is January's version of "How are you?".
So for acquaintances I would answer, "They were ok, how were yours?" Most people will give you a quick "Mine were great, they were fun, I'm so glad they're over...whatever." And you will move on in the conversation.

For friends, I would answer, "My sister lost her battle with cancer. I'm grieving..." This gives people the information. And how people grieve is different for everyone. It gives the other person space to say, "I'm so sorry. How can I help, Let me know what you need..."

Best,
T. Y

So sorry for the loss of your sister, J.. Did the other people at school know how ill your sister was? Most of the people that I know that work in elementary school feel like their fellow teachers and staff are part of their extended families. Right now you are numb from your loss. Pick a few close friends at school and your team and share about losing your sister over the holidays. If someone bringing it up moves you to tears, let them know that too, so they don't make you break down in front of your class. "How was your holiday" is just a casual conversation starter. Sorry you were caught off guard. They probably were caught off guard by your answer too.

I am very sorry for your loss, I truly am.

When I lost my brother in 2013, it helped to tell a few people and have them let others know what was going on and why I was so out of it. I found out at through a phone call at work and then tried to come in the next day, it was no good.

When I took my kids to school, I met with the counselor and emailed their teachers. That way if they needed help or support there, they had it as well.

Honestly, take the time you need to heal. There is no right thing to say or right way to react. I pray you are surrounded by good people who will support you through this.

I am so sorry. My husband and I lost our parents and a sister over the last few years - and it was tough. One was on Halloween, another the day before Labor day weekend, another just after Easter. Times does soften the raggedness of the pain - but I still get teary at things that remind me of them and that's OK. The tears mean they were significant in my life.

If I was you I'd say something like "It was tough - I lost my sister to cancer the day after Christmas. But we are beginning to heal and I'm looking forward to 2015."

It's all true - but you are ending on a positive note. If it's someone you don't know or hardly know I would just answer "fine". but anyone who knows you would want to know and share your sorrow. Especially since many people you work with might not know since you were on school break.

if it's someone you don't know who is just making polite conversation, then just 'fine, thanks, and yours?' will do. 'i got through it' is also just fine (although most will interpret that simply as the holiday bustle and may laugh and commiserate, so don't let that rock you.)
since you're back at work and most people know you, though, you're probably going to be well-served to come up with a simple honest statement that conveys the information without seeming to open the door to more 'comforting' than you want.
'this one was pretty rough, we lost a family member, but we're pulling it together. i hope yours was a little cheerier!' then if it's someone you're comfortable sharing with, you can go into more details.
i'm so very sorry for your loss. that's a terrible blow.
:( khairete
S.

I just lost my mom the week of Thanksgiving. So I completely understand. I was at work when my dad called and told me my mom had passed. So by the time I returned to work, most everyone knew. They were great and asked how I was or that I was in their prayers. I appreciated all the kind words. If someone didn't know, I would let them know.

My husband's Aunt died a couple of days after Christmas. So the holidays for us were rough.

I am so very sorry for your lost. I heard a poem at his Aunt's funeral that was amazing. Its called "I'm Free". Please read it.

I just tell people that my holidays were rough and that the end of 2014 totally sucked and I was hoping for a much better 2015.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you!

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss :-(
I think unless you want to get into it, you should just say, fine, or okay, and then say how was yours?

I am so sorry for your loss for your family for losing your sister. Oh so hard. I too work in a school and fortunately I find and I hope for you, some very sympathetic, empathetic people ( we lost my husband's father just about a year ago). I think it depends on who you are talking to, but you will be demonstrating both very true real emotions and let others learn they are allowed to deal with grieving if you tell them what you have gone through. I am not sure everyone can react the same way, but there will be people who can seriously relate and others who really don't know what to say. If you need to duck into the bathroom for a serious cry, or find yourself thinking about it, perhaps find a caring co-worker who can cover for you and let yourself feel those feelings. I am so sorry. This is so hard. And children actually are wonderful with these things, they are not yet indoctrinated into the world of 'we are not supposed to have feelings' yet. They can be wonderful if you shed a tear or two.There are really so many people who care. Sending a hug

I am so sorry for what you and your family have gone through.

I agree it's more of a casual "hello" for most people. You can just say, "okay, how about you?" and keep moving.

The other thing you can do, depending on your feelings of privacy, is tell ONE person what happened and ask them to spread the word to the staff. That way everyone knows, and has a chance to offer sympathy IF that helps you go through the daily work issues. If it would become a problem for you because you are intensely private, then you just have to muddle through. I think people feel less upset about you being Debbie Downer than they are if they don't know of your tragedy and wind up saying the wrong thing.

I think if it's a passing comment in the hallway or in a busy or noisy situation, the equivalent of "how are you" when said as a greeting to the mailman or the grocery store clerk (in other words, it's more of a "hello" than an actual inquiry), then I'd just say something like "hello" or "good to see you". It seems very normal to respond to "how are you" or "how was your holiday" with a simple hello when it's just a greeting with no actual anticipation of a response. As long as you seem friendly, and either just smile or wave or say hi, I think that's fine. The majority of people who say "how was your holiday" or "how was your vacation" when passing a co-worker don't actually expect to hear a rundown of the entire Disney cruise or how many grandchildren were there. They're just saying one of those standard greetings that sounds friendly. And a smile or a "hello" is a good enough response. Most people won't even be aware that they asked a question. They're on to their next assignment or class or meeting.

If the question is asked in a quieter moment, by someone who has the time to ask, and who cares about the answer, then you can share that your family suffered a loss and that it was a difficult and sad time for all of you.

I'm sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was a very precious, loving and loved woman.

just want to send virtualhugs! And lots of prayers! So sorry to hear about your sister!
P

Over the holidays I learned the importance of life. I learned how to cherish every sunrise. I learned how to be graceful under duress. This Christmas I learned the true size of my heart. By New Years Eve, I had experienced such a alteration that I may never be the same. Yes, I learned a lot, I hope you (the person you're talking too) know how much I love/appreciate you because (mention something specific about that person).

I'm so sorry for your loss.
We lost my stepfather 5 days before Christmas a few years back.
It was beyond horrible.

I think what you said was fine.
Going further makes you re-live it again and again.

What about posting a notice in the break room with O. cookies/goodies stating that you're honoring your sister by making a donation to xyz organization in her name and if anyone would like to donate a dollar, to see you. Or leave an envelope. That kind of fills everyone in on your loss AND honors your sisters memory as well.
Again-my sympathy.

First, I would like to say I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is very difficult. My brother died 25 years ago in an accidental shooting.

I think you could say "It was a tough one this year. We lost my sister the day after Christmas to cancer". And once you tell a couple of people, word will spread quickly and you won't hear that question because people will know how your holiday was.

As time goes on, and you meet new people, you will be asked how many siblings you have. The way I answer this question depends on my mood. If I'm not feeling strong and think I might get emotional, I say I have one older sister. If I'm feeling up to it, I mention that I did have a younger brother, but he died. I am more apt to share that story with moms that I meet. I like to spread awareness about responsible gun ownership.

Take care.