Discipline & Behavior

You could try Love and Logic. Look at their web site. loveandlogic.com This "program has been a LIFE saver for bot us adults and the children.

Good luck. Having boys can be very challenging!

S.,
Hi. I have 4 children from ages 2 1/2 to 20. I know the worlds are so different with kids at such a spread in age. And each child is so different in personality as well as our circumstances may change the affects of attitude. With my experience, personally, kids that misbehave are usually lacking attention. Being a single mom is a lot of work. Taking time out for your self as well as balancing individual time for each child is a challenge but important. Try journaling. This may help you recognize a pattern as well as help you keep a visual list of events and needs in your life. If you can find some good books from James Dobson on child rearing, that may help too. My hat goes off to you for recognizing the need for change and doing something about it, as you may find yourself changing your "hat," to each child and many circumstances. You are not alone. Good luck and God's blessings to you.

S. -

I believe all human beings want and need social inclusion / acceptance. It's a basic, animal type need. In the context of your family (as with any community beyond), it's a reward for working well with others. And, if what a child is doing ISN'T working well with others around him and he STILL manages to be included / accepted in the social 'group' (i.e. he gets to play again, without missing the next opportunity, when his repeated behavior demonstrates he hasn't learned the lesson) - how will he come to his own conclusion that his behavior is change-worthy?

The way I look at it, the most effective changes are those we make from our own free will. Even very small children have this capacity - to understand, if I do "X", the result will be "Y" and to decide if that is the consequence they desire (and, thus, the behavior they want to choose).

In the case of a child being mean / kicking...if it were me, I would go a step beyond talking with him about how this behavior isn't okay. If he doesn't get that he is having a hurtful impact on another (and care about the effect of that)via explanation, it's time he learns by 'feel' (and I don't believe others physically kicking back is the only way to learn by feel here). And what better, kinder place to learn one's lessons of this kind, than within the bounds of one's own family?

In the family, you have the emotional connection to make a unique difference - a family can be 'tough' with a child (with a uniquely strong impact) and, once a child 'gets it', a family can also provide a loving and kind atmosphere of acceptance, which is what is desired (underneath the negative behavior, is a cry for something positive - that's my take, anyway).

I would try excluding him in a controlled way - for instance, if he kicks, I would ensure the consequence is one where he can appreciate the LOSS that comes with his negative behavior. I don't mean to give him just a sense of "I'm being punished and this is what punishment is / feels like" - I mean, it's that he feels the loss of the privelege that goes with being included - being with the family, participating in the fun stuff. Also key to this idea is that he understands / feels that it's not just a loss to him - it's a loss to the entire family.

It can be as simple as saying (before play - like a notice up front - before he has an opportunity to display the behavior you saw last time...), "if you kick, I want you to know that you will lose the privelege of playing in the group - AND, you will go to bed an hour early tonight - while the rest of the family will be doing "x" together, sadly, you'll be in bed - that would be sad because we enjoy doing "x" with you, but I'm sorry - you can't participate if you can't behave."

If he does the behavior, I would separate the kids, reminding him of the warning he was given - that now that he's done this, he can 'sit out' the play time and, as stated, he will also go to bed an hour early while you and the rest of the family plays a game of Sorry (or whatever you've decided).

Again, I'd remind him of how sad that is for all of us - that I would definitely have enjoyed playing with him later. And then I would do exactly what I've said - watch the clock, take him to bed and go play with the family. You can do this process with kindness and reminders (that he, not you, chose the behavior and that, now, you simply have to do your job...maybe next time he'll choose differently and your job will be different - to have fun with him, instead).

My bet is, the first time you give this warning, he will display the behavior. He will want to know if you meant it. And he may do this a few times, to determine just how much and how consistently you mean what you say. But, eventually, even the most stubborn child is human - if left to his own free will to decide the (totally predictable) consequences, my bet is he'll figure it out soon enough. Seriously, unless Pavlov was completely off his rocker, it shouldn't take long before he tires of sitting in the sidelines, KNOWING you actually want him to participate but, unfortunately, you can't and it was totally HIS choice to have it this way.

This is something that I feel you have to get across, along with the isolation part - that you and your family will genuinely be feeling his absence and it's a shame for him and for you but...after all, he's got that control and can decide if this is what he wants - or not. I also think is healthy for kids to know that it is precisely BECAUSE you care about them that you must ensure they understand the impact they have on themselves and others. If you didn't care, you'd say - go ahead, behave badly. There's a whole world of people out there who will not want to be around you - who will kick you back and treat you like a mean person they don't like; that, if you, as a mom, didn't care, you'd want that for him - but, instead, you want people to know what a good, kind and wonderful person he truly is, even if he's not showing it at this moment in time, via his negative behaviors. The fact is, you know that, inside, there IS a wonderful person and that, the sooner he shows this to the world (instead of kicking), the sooner the world is going to want to be around him. Again - he has this choice.

Ultimately, I believe, children have needs for power, just as adults do. To know that what they do (or don't) impacts others, is something they want and need to know. As parents, we're looking to shape that need into what they can contribute, positively, to others in their community (and a family is a mini community experience, the perfect training ground!). But, if a child isn't getting this need met via positive behaviors, s/he will opt for other behaviors that 'work' (and there must be something 'working' or he wouldn't be doing it). It's a test as old as time.

So, that's my two cents. To stay calm, give him an explanation of the action-consequence nature of the world, communicate how that impacts the family and that it's a sad consequence for all when he's not included - then, continue forward with family life the way it needs to be - with all participants making positive contributions. Share your ultimate hope - that he chooses to join this family, via positive behaviors. And keep on going - it may take time, but children are SO smart! He'll figure it out. And when he does, everyone can consistently show him the acceptance, love and joy that comes with his being a part of the family in a way that is truly reward-worthy. Let him EARN it - we all feel good when we earn things ourselves! The best part of this kind of 'kicking back' (social feedback is what I call it...) is that you don't have to get another child to hurt him, to teach him lessons the big world beyond your family will teach him anyway, if he fails to learn to self-correct. You can feel GOOD about being steady, clear, and lovingly (but firmly) consistent. If he's stubborn, it will just take longer, that's all!

I wish you the very best in your efforts - this is the perfect age to resolve this and you're a great mom for searching for the best possible range of ideas. If you think mine won't work for you, read the others instead! Every child is different and, while I don't advocate kicking back, I also don't judge those who tried it once and found it worked, either. As it's clear you feel - he's worth the work of searching for whatever alternatives prove effective for your child! :-)

Look up the bennefits of fish oil on google or something. It has been proven to help with behavioral issues, including anger, etc...Some people are using INSTEAD of Ritalin for ADHD children! And it's working.

Hi S.~
I'm a teacher and mother of three teenage girls and one phrase that has always worked for me is "Do the right thing or pay the consequences, your choice." The only kicker is that you have to have a consequence that you are willing to follow through with, then FOLLOW THROUGH with it. As far as social events-why take him if he's not willing to behave? Use that same phrase.

I highly recommend that you go to the Love and Logic website...there are books there that I would highly recommend. One that I have is called Parenting with Love and Logic By Jim Fay

Hi!

I have some great help for you it is called Love and Logic. You can find them on the web. Or look for the books in the library.

I took the classes free at the local dcfs building. They teach foster parents and others who are trying to improve on their parenting techniques a wonderful course.

One of the things that we use on younger children is the ah oh song. Used with lots of empathy. ah oh need a little bedroom time -- this is so sad. (and look sad) as you walk them to their room.

They get time out no more than one minute per year of age. But the key is the time doesn't start until they are quiet. and if they start in again the time starts over. After you ask them if they are ready to be sweet.

Another thing I have learned especially with young ones who are trying to show independence is to give them choices no more than 2 at a time, but lots of them. Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue? Do you want the big bowl or the small one? Do you want milk on your cereal or in a cup? Do you want to go to bed now or in 15 minutes? would you like the bedroom door open or closed? Would you like the light on or off? All day you are giving them choices. Gives them control in their life. Then when it is bed time you can say would you like a story before or after you brush your teeth?

good luck,
mother of six children 4 girls and 2 boys. Also do foster care.

You need to get serious and FIRM!!! No offense, but unless he has a medical condition causing his behavior, he is acting this way because HE CAN! You have not convinced him that you are the boss, and he is running not only you, but his whole house. Pull in the reins and get control before this gets so out of hand that you can't. I personally would try spanking him, but if you constantly are spanking him, then it isn't working and you need to try something else. No one punishment works for all kids. You could also try Dr. Phil's technique of taking everything away from him out of his room except a mattress and make him earn everything back with good behavior. When he acts appropriately in his room, then he can come out. If he can act appropriately for a day, then he can get back one thing each day (bed, a small box of toys, a poster, a lamp, etc). If he regresses, then you take him back a step. He may spend a few days confined to an empty room, but he WILL learn.

Also, stop yelling and start getting down on his eye level face to face when ever you want to speak to him. Boys especially have a way of tuning out everything that is not said straigt to their face. This alone fix 60% of the problem with my son.

I run a in home daycare and was dealing with simialr issues with a child who came to my home daily, but also with tantrums! His parents finaly realized how bad it was after talking with them and a total meltdown/kicking fit a preschool. What worked for us, was taking everything away. Every toy was removed from his room and he had nothing but a bed, sheet and pillow. Everything of any meaning was GONE. This was two weeks ago today and he has slowly recieved things back the past few days and I would say we are nearly 80% better. It was amazing, but it took a lot from his parents and myself! But it was DEFINATELY worth the time and engery! Good luck, it can be SO HARD!

Obviously the punishments you are giving him aren't bad enough for him to stop. Make them worse. Just like us as adults and the cops.... The punishment is bad enough that we don't do the crime.

My son is four and hits his sister too! I have tried everything. I am really trying to encourage him when he is behaving and "catch him being good". He responds WONDERFULLY to this. I find that removing him from the situation and reading to him or redirecting him to another activity helps too.
Boys do have a lot of aggression sometimes. It's part of their wiring. I have encouraged him when he feels frustrated he can pound on his bed with his fists to get it out, but that we DO NOT hit people because it hurts. Or to TELL his sister, I am MAD at you right now, but stop there. No hitting.
We are not very religious in our house, don't attend church or anything, but I found that when I explain something in terms of God doesn't want us to hurt eachother, my kids respond well.
It's like, hey, I didn't make up this rule - God did and he's always right. God made all of us and wants us to take care of eachother. God loves us and he made all of us so we could all love one another, not fight. LOTS OF HUGS!
Also- kids need to have some structured activity. Fights seems to happen when kids are told, 'go play' with no direction or plan. Next time you want to go to a social event spend time with your son explaining what will happen, bring along an activity he can do by himself and explain the guidlines ahead of time. Good Luck!

S., you have to be strong and stand your ground. When my son, who is 8 this month, was 4 we had battles! He would get upset and I would tell him he needed to go to his room. He would go to his room and slam the door, which he knew was a no no. I would go to his room and he would open the door and look right at me and slam it again! He would get upset and do things like dumping his milk on the floor just because he was mad. He is the little brother, so he hasn't been able to beat up on big brother yet. I've learned to take away things that he enjoys. Right now it is music, but when he was 4 it was doggy his stuffed dog. He wasn't dependant on the dog but it was his most treasured toy. So it would be like, " You can't play with doggy the rest of the afternoon because of the way you are acting." Then I would explain that how he was acting was not okay and when he acts this way he will have a consequence. When my boys misbehave I always send them to their room first. This is only so I have a minute to think things over. I too often in the heat of the moment have said things such as, " You are not going to baseball!!!" Knowing that he would die if he couldn't go, AND knowing that I wouldn't really not let him go. So then I look like I give in to what I say. Sorry this is sooooo long, good luck, and also know that I think most 4 year olds need to test their limits! J.

Dear S.:

One thing to remember is that small children do not have the development to understand outside of themselves. It is a learning. When he hits and kicks he does not necessarily understand that it hurts others, he just knows he gets a reaction. I would look into 1-2-3 Magic by Dr. Thomas Phelan. It has worked wonders in my single parent home and has given me a sense of relief also. It is very direct and simple. Also I would let him know that you understand that he gets frustrated and if he feels the need to hit or kick something, that you give him a pillow to take it out on and that is the only thing that he can use. The hard part to do, is to remember to point out when he is not hitting and kicking and playing nicely with his siblings and friends. The positive reinforcment will go alot farther than the negative. The word discipline means to teach, not punish and that always helps me keep the consequences in perspective. I wish you the best of luck in this and please know that there are alot of kids that go thru similar behaviors, so this is not out of the norm, its just something that is not ok and needs tobe learned.

Ok, my advise is a little unconventional than the other gals. They are absolutely right on, but what do you do when all that doesn't work. My son just couldn't seem comprehend what we were saying. (sister is older, but smaller framed, this guy was a tank when he was born.) He just didn't care what "consequence" I used, & yes I was consistent with, "no", time out, redirection.... he just wanted it his way, & he was going to get it. One day I said to his sister (who was getting the brunt of it) maybe he just doesn't get that it hurts you, so next time, before you come get me, give him back what he gives you. Hit, bite, shove, what ever it takes, & make it good the first time, no anger. This is not a license to beat him up... just show him what it feels like to get that treatment. That only took once, maybe twice, and that was the end of that. (Yes there were teeth marks) NOW he understood what it was like to be the receiver.

I know the use of physical punishment is not in vogue, but as I think back over my childhood, 5 brothers & sisters, it's not the swat on the bum from mom when I knew I had done wrong that hurt me, it was the angry swat across the head I got from dad that was WRONG. Being willing as a last resort to say "IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN, YOU WILL GET A SWAT" and following through accomplishes several things.

First, you have very specifically communicated that a certain behavior is NOT ok. Secondly, if they do it immediately, they are testing your authority. If you are not willing to be bigger than him at 3, you've lost the battle when he is teenager. He will press you hard then (my son is now 15.) This is defiance. not just a mistake. I never punished for kids mistakes, or accidents, only blatant defiance. Thirdly, it taught my daughter how to stand up for herself, & not go running for help at every offense. She learned to solve her own problems.

Later on when my son could actually carry on a conversation beside, "No don't do that" when they would tussle, argue, fight, I sat then down a couple of times to explain that was NOT to happen here. The world is a rough place. Home is our safe place. If you can't be safe at home then you have no place to retreat. You WILL treat each other kindly, gently and loving. We are all on the same team here! Meanness is NOT tolerated. I rarely had to deal with sibling rivalry, they became close friends. 15 & 19.

One last thought. Every child responds to different consequences. If a simple "no" works, then that's all that's needed, & you use the least intense correction needed to change the behavior. You know your child better than any one else. Some times you have to think outside the mainstream box to find consequences that work. For the same offense, 2 different children may require 2 different consequences.

Hope this helps.
ang

I recommend Dr Sears parenting book. He is a pediatrician & a child phycologist. I probably learned the most about parenting from that book.

time out is not cutting it

Dear S.,
Have you tried taking away toys with each violent action?
If he hits his sister he loses his favorite toy for a week. If he hits her again he loses his second favoite toy and so on and so forth. Explain with each toy lost why he is losing it. "Hitting is not ok in this home and you are losing this toy for a week. If you do it again you will lose another toy" Then stick to it.
He will probably be pretty upset but he will learn that he will lose something if he hits. He should not get the toy back until a week has passed and he has gone a full day with no violence.
In regard to social situations; tell him in advance what you expect and if he hits another kid leave the party. (If it is a play date or a kids party he loses the experience for breaking a rule.)
All the Best,
C.

Have you tried giving him some special time and attention to listen to what he needs from you that he may not be getting. He may feel like it is a way to get your attention. See if giving him personal attention in other ways helps. Let him know you want to know what he has to say. Just an idea, I don't know enough about you to know if it fits but take it for what it's worth.

If you say "if you don't stop that I will..." do you follow through the very next time? I find that there are times when I'm just to exhausted to follow through and then he starts to think I won't and then he just doesn't listen. Then I have to retrain. We just went through a season of retraining and it pays off so much. When you say it and he does it anyway, you follow through. If it is sending him to his room...you send him to his room THEN, you go talk to him about why he is there and what he needs to do differently, then coaching him on apologizing. The time in the room needs to be long enough to matter too. Then the next time he does the same thing...he goes to his room.

Also, when he does things right...tell him. We try to focus our praise on character traits we see and want to nurture. Like, that was so generous of you, or kind, or truthful, or responsible. Not just good job or I'm proud of you. By naming the positive actions when you see them it'll make more sense when you are trying to teach them.

Listen to Angi V. She's a genius!