Discipline Problems in Augusta Area

Hi C.
I am A single mother of a 6 year old who I have also spoiled, and I have some of the same issues with her Perfect at school;testing the limits at home. I don't think she needs counseling(ADD and ADHD extremely over-diagnosed)but consistancy.Whatever means of disapline you are comfortable with apply every time she breaks a rule. Her behavior may get worse initially, but if you stick to it she will know you mean business. Besides, her behavior sounds more like a child emulating a teenager's attitude. Keep the faith!
T.

Buy the book 1,2,3 Magic. It really works and is easy to start. I used it as a teacher and as a mom. Good luck!

We had a similar situation with my son, who is now 15, but I always thought he had "used up all his good" at school. What we did was try to give him some down time when he first got home from school. Like a snack and then some time to reconnect with him, it wasn't a long time, maybe about 15 or 20 minutes and then he was ready to come back into the family.
Hope this idea helps.

I have heard that because kids are so "structured" in school, that when they come home, sometimes it feels like free time, if they don't have some type of a routine or schedule. I imagine with two older kids you do a lot of driving after school hours, which is hard to make "routine", but my suggestion is to make a schedule for her to actually "see." Sometimes kids need to know what is happening in advance or else they get anxious, which may be what she is experiencing. 1. Write down what she needs to do from day to day... while at home and what is scheduled for the other kids.
2. Have things planned for her to do while at home. Maybe help you with dinner, have her sit at the table with an art project.
3. Create some time for the two of you to spend together. Maybe not every day, but at least once a week.

I have a feeling she is just needing a little TLC.

K.
(Stay at home mom with 5 mo old, but I am a middle sibling of three, so I know how hectic it can be).

Don't be so hard on yourself thinking it's because you've spoiled her. You have other children who I assume don't behave this way, right? Try talking to her pediatrician about her behavior just to make sure that there isn't a physical problem that is causing it like diabetes or developmental delays. Then ask the doctor for a referal to a counselor who can run testing to determine if there is another issue like ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome etc. They can recommend treatment options based on the results. Good luck to you! Let me know what you find out.

S.

i have a 5 year old girl in the same situation. i read once that sometimes when kids do well at school they really let it go at home. great for teachers bad for parents. anyway - take a look at a book called 1-2-3 magic by thomas phelan - we are having a lot of luck with this method.

A littel about me: I'm a grandma with four grandkids.

You've done the mom thing before....so you've probably tried all the standard stuff.....but take a close look at how much one-on-one attention your 6 year old is getting from you or your spouse without having to do something disruptive to make it happen.

Could it be that she's using these negative behaviors (subconsciously, of course) to get your one-on-one attention? You have to stop whatever you're doing and deal with her when she acts out....and even if its negative attention, it's attention, after all.

In a busy household, it's difficult to focus on just one thing....but you might actually take her quietly aside (when she's NOT acting out) and ask for her help. Talk to her about how you've noticed that sometimes she's not cooperative and that you want the two of you to be partners, working together to make ....so you will all have a better time when you're together at home. You could lay down a plan for a special time that you (or your spouse) could do something fun in the evening after the two year old is in bed (read a book....take a walk....look for four-leaf clovers.....anything) just with her alone, because you WANT TO spend more time with her.....and ask her to help you out by trying to remember to cooperate with you and make family-at-home time more fun for everybody. Ask her to help you in small ways whenever you can fit it into your routine. When she forgets that she's a "Helper" and starts to act out again...remind her that you need her special help to make the family run smoothly.

It's important that you not make your one-on-one special time with her contingent on her good behavior. She needs to learn that you want to spend time with her regardless of how she has acted that day. Don't use it as a bargaining chip.

It's appropriate to keep using time-out, if you need to, to punish bad behaviors.....but make sure the time out is adminstered in a calm, matter-of-fact way....and that the place is not in an area where she can continue to get attention while she's sitting there. I know that's easier said than done.

And when she's not in time out....try to create ways for her to be involved in conversation with you....helping prepare supper, setting the table....putting ice in the glasses, etc. etc.

It won't yield instantaneous results, of cours.....but if you remember the attention factor and work on it for a week or two.....hopefully you'll begin to see a change.

Good luck!

hello, will do you ever have time for just you to during the day try to set aside time just for you to as will as dad if he can sometime kids act out because they feel left out of stuff try this and if this dont work let me know i got alot of stuff you can try.

I don't have a suggestion for you..but check out this website

http://www.theparentingcoach.com

She had wonderful advice and also counsels parents.

Good Luck!
K.

What was cute at 2 is no longer cute at 6 huh? Thank goodness you are figuring this out before she is 16. It is not too late to save this situation. The best advise I can give you is to read the book by Dr. Phil "Family First". He says all the same things I would say to you. Take away all privileges and let her earn each item back with good behavior. Just because she is good everywhere else does not mean she is being good, how she treats her family says a lot about her inside, so this is what has to get fixed now, not later. You said it all when you said you spoiled her, now you must unspoil her. This means taking her room down to a mattress and just a few things in her closet. As she is acting better, each day, every few days or each week, she earns a little more back. Eventually she has all of her things back and you have a well behaved child. This will not happen overnight and there will be problems along the way, when this happens, you must go back in and strip it all down again. She will eventually learn. You are the parent but right now she is playing you because you have given her the ability to do this because you spoiled her. I am not trying to be harsh, but the sooner you retrain your daughter, the sooner you can be proud of her. This will also make it easier on her in life later on when she is grown. Right now you are only training her how to manipulate everyone else to get her way. She can also learn she can get her way if she is well behaved. This will come in time.

Good luck.

D. B.

I had the same problem with my son last year and his pediatrician recommended the book "loving your child is not enough". i know at first it sounds like a lame solution, i didnt think it would work. but being consistant and reading the book helped i promise!! good luck!

I have heard that tae kwon do is great for children. My best friend has had her son taking weekly classes for 2 years now, and my cousin signed her daughter up (for the same reasons you are mentioning: her daughter wouldn't listen, she acted bored all the time, and is an only child so it was a way for her to interact with other children).

Both of the kids LOVE the classes and have excelled beyond the parents' highest hopes. The classes teach focus, discipline, listening, and control.

I know alot of people are against any type of martial arts, but this might be a possibility; especially if you have any positive feedback from your own group of friends.

Good luck!!!

C. B.
____@____.com
Dahlonega, GA

HI, I too have 4 kids and a 5th every summer. Much of it is you have a lot on your plate and you're simply tired.

My six year old daughter is a great kid and sometimes I have to remind her of her "attitude".

The only advice I can offer is that you are consistent in your discipline. This is harder than spanking. Your no must mean "NO". She knows that she can manipulate you and sometimes its easier to give in to her and get through the moment.

However, she will only give you the respect and reference that YOU demand.

Let her know what behavior you consider unacceptable and be consistent in not accepting that behavior. Share with her that when she acts a certain way others don't want to be around her. Remind her of how smart she is and those things she's good at and the behaviors that make you happy.

Tell her how hurt and sad you are when she behaves a certain way. That you expect more of her given how much she has been given and how bright she is.

At the end of the day, nothing will change until YOU have had enough and demand change from her.

I tell my kids all the time--Given the sacrifices I make for you, you will not treat me any way you want and disrespect me.
I also tell them that they will give "ME" their best. They will not act like angels for others and give me hell.

Amazingly, when my tone changes and they realize I am not playing games, behaviors change quickly.

You're at the point of deciding what kind of long term relationship do I want with this child. If it stays out of control now, the teen and preteen years will be unbearable.

Mold this child into a loving, respectful person that you and others will find a joy to be around.

Is she telling you in her own way that she needs and want more of your individualized focused attention.

Though it is hard with four children and two teens at that, create special moments with her that is all about her.

Maybe at bedtime you spend an extra 30 minutes in her room with her reading to her and sharing/creating harmless secrets between you two. Let her know that she is your "best" girl.

I don't have experience with that age yet but feel your frustration. It's hard not to spoil your children...especially little girls. My husband and I have made it a point to watch the Super Nanny (Mon. nights CBS) and have bought one of her books. She is a no nonsense kind of lady and I really respect her style. You should check it out to see if it can help.
Good luck!

G.

Please don't take this the wrong way because I have been through what sounds like the same thing. My granddaughter has been the same way. Around people at school and others she was a different child. Turns out she has ADHD. I ask the doctor why did she not act that way at school and she said it was because of it being new but she would start. She was also hurting our family because she belongs to my daughter from my first marriage and my husband now who is a wonderful man and we have been married for alomost 20 years but he had just about had it with her and so had everyone else. If you would like to talk on the phone and me fill you in on her more to see if that is what your child is doing just e mail me at ____@____.com and I will give you my phone number. Or you can go on line up and read about ADHA, I think there is a test you can take. Good Luck R.

Hi C.! My husband and I are currently facilitating a parenting class at our church. It is wonderful and there has been so much change in all of the children whose parents are taking the class including with ours. I highly recommend for you to check out www.gfi.org. They have great resources and practical ways of parenting. Also, Dr James Dobson says that in order for children to feel secure, they need boundaries. How would anyone feel if they drove on a suspension bridge with no guard rails? There are no boundaries so there is no security. Maybe the reason she is fine at school is because she knows her boundaries. At home, they always change depending on how much she whines or asks. As another person stated, "Let your no's be no and your yes' be yes." Consistency for the child also creates security. Noone feels secure if they don't know what to expect. I am now a stay at home mom with a 3 and 2 year old. Before being a mommy, I was a special education teacher. If you would like to chat further, please email me at ____@____.com. I would love to help.

Hello to you,

I think counseling would be a great start for your 6 year old. Maybe there is a medical problem going on that you are unaware of; maybe your daugheter has ADHD or she may have some problems going on with her peers and not sure how to deal with them and she is lashing out. The bottom line is counseling is a great place to start but talking to your child is an even better start. Ask your daughter some open ended questions; find out if there is something going on in her little world that is upsetting her. Find out if she is feeling left out becuase you have three other children and maybe she is being slighted with some attention.

I think having multiple children of different age groups with different needs is a challenge and maybe the baby no longer feels special or like the baby with the 2 year around. Maybe you can have a day just for the 6 year old. Book time, board game time, a walk, baking cookies, watching her favortie movie, anything that allows her time with you alone if no more than 30 mins. a day. Make her feel she is important and loved no matter how many siblings she has...I hope this helped.

Hi C.,
This is just a hunch, but could your daughter be jealous that you are home with her younger sibling while she is at school, or could she be jealous of the younger child for any other reason? I don't have school age children yet, but I am a stay at home mom with a 2 year old and a 3 week old and my 2 year old does get jealous when my hands are full (with baby) and he is not getting my full attention like he is used to. I hope you get the answers you are looking for.

Sincerely,
L. S.

Personal Consultant, Natural Family Boutique
WAHMommy to Logan 8/25/2004 & Shane 7/18/2006
www.NaturalParentingAndPlaythings.com

C.,

I sympathize! My stepdaughter had similar behavior at home. She actually does need a therapist for other things, but her therapist suggested the 123 magic method to control her behavior at home. You can actually start this once a kid is two years old. Given that a child knows the house rules, you count her each time she does something wrong. Once you reach 3, she goes into time-out. You don't have to count to 3 on the same behavior...if she does 3 different things, count them in order and send her off. But we found that the time out should be someplace BORING (no TV, toys, whatever), and give her NO attention at all during the time. For more serious things, like hitting or something equally inappropriate, go straight to 3. And when she's doing something good, notice and praise it. Ours typically acts up when she wants attention, and the time-out bit removes her reward system (attention of any sort.) It actually gets a lot worse for a couple of weeks, while they test the system and see if you're actually gonna stick with it. Then it gets a lot better. But you have to be really consistent, and not yell or discuss. Just count. It's really hard sometimes, especially when you're feeling frustrated yourself.

Good luck!

L.

I think she is asking for attention. Right now a 2 year old requires a lot of attention. Tell her that and tell her why.

I think spanking should be an exception not a rule, and never tell her she is bad. Tell her the action is bad or naughty. I had a brother that was a middle child and he was told he was useless, bad etc. It was a self fulfilling profecy. It pains me everytime I see him self distruct. He doesn't know how to be successful and shots himslef in the foot when he starts to get ahead.

Take 30 min or an hour each day and do something she wants to do. Spending just a few minutes with her a day will help greatly. And give her your complete atteintion, even if you have to go in another room and close the door.

If that doesn't work talk to her and ask her what she think will help. But I think she misses the attention she used to get.

Hello C.:
What I suggest is consistancy with your discipline strategy. I think kids know how to push your buttons and unless you give them the same punishment and say it with authority do they take you seriously. I am sure she sees how you respond to your other kids. They probably don't make things any better, but I believe with time and constant strict reminders (smile) and that one explanation and don't entertain any other conversation, she will learn who is in control.

Hi, I am a behavior analyst working in the schools. Usually when a child behaves well in one environment and not another it is typically the environment that the child is behaving badly in that is the source of the problem. You might want to look into buying the book 1,2,3 magic. Not to negate your parenting techniques but there is something you guys are doing that is reinforcing the behavior she is having. Probably not intentionally.....Believe me I know you do what you have to do!!!! I have been there.

Hi,

My daughter often whines and repeats things over and over, etc., when she's bored. Or, on days when I've got a lot to get done (i.e., housework, errands, phone calls to make) and she wants more attention from me, she sometimes behaves that way.

Does your daughter have outside activities during the week besides school (i.e., a sport maybe or music lessons or scouts?) If not, maybe adding an activity to her week would help, in addition to starting a strict schedule for her after she gets home from school. With the schedule, perhaps you could include brief rest/quiet time and a series of simple chores with a allowance incentive at the end of each week. Or, as in our case, we have the schedule include homework time and chores, and she only gets the allowance if she completes both all week long.

Also, does her school have an after-school program? Perhaps you could schedule a few days where she gets to stay on a little later at school and then once she gets home have some one-on-one time with her to talk or do something together. It's possible that this time for just the two of you would give her the time with mom to talk about anything else that might be bothering her or triggering the behavior issues at home.

These are the things that have helped us.

maybe try a behavior chart. set a goal such as if you get 10 stars by the 11th of the month we will go skating. you let her put a star or whatever she likes on the calendar for every day she has a good day at home or wherever and see if that will work for her. spanking a child that is already angry or mad only will make her that much more rebellious.

I noticed you have four kids, which is hard to manage, you are numbered. Have you tried giving your daughter her own time to spend with you or her father? What I mean by that is, maybe she feels neglected and not getting enough attention due to the demands of taking care of four children. Sometimes kids act out badly just to get attention even if it is bad. I would just suggest talking with your daughter and asking what kind of things would she like to do that would make her happy or asking her if spending some "mommy" time with you would be nice and see what her response is and just trying to take a little time out in the day for all your kids, but especially the young ones.

Hello C.,

It sounds like she is seeking some one on one time with you. It also sounds like your hands are full with four children and your daughter might feel like she is overlooked. Because of this she is probably acting out to get your attention. Patience and consistency is key. I would suggest picking one method of discipline and stick with it say time outs. If you continually change how you respond this only encourages or confuses them. Also,if you let her behavior slide one moment just to turn around and later correct it she will of course not listen to the correction. From my limited experience as a parent and a past pre-school teacher, I can only suggest a few things. Here are some of my suggestions...(Remember evey child is different, what might work for one doesn't work for all)
1. Catch her doing good. When you catch her doing good, praise her and reward her even if the reward is small. By doing this you are giving her the attention she is asking for but are showing her there is another way to seek it other than acting out.
2. When she doesn't listen, place her in time out and set a timer. (One minute per year of age). Then walk away or make yourself busy in the same room. Discipline a lot of the times is sought by children because of the interaction they receive with the parents.
3. Have her help you around the house. This helps them to not only participate in your day but once again show a more positive interaction. And you at the same time are spending time with her. Another example would be just you and her grocery shopping.
4. Make a sticker chart. I made a chart of simple things like putting shoes up or eating dinner. They recieved a sticker for each item. Tally the stickers at the end of the day and let her pick a reward. Let's say you state that she needs to receive 5 stickers for the day (start low at first until she gets the hang of it-you want her to feel it is something she can accomplish) then let her pick from three rewards. Later tally them at the end of the week.
5. Then of course throughout the months as her positive behavior increases then you would slowly incorporate the fact that good behavior is something that is expected. Change her sticker chart to things above the ordinary.
I hope I helped,
S.

My guess is that she gets attention by behaving this way. Negative attention is better than no attention. You are probably busiest with your 2 yr old (out of necessity) and having 4 children, it must be tough to get everything done, dinner ready, etc.
Does she get enough special one-on-one time with you (bedtime, right after school, homework, story?) Could your older children watch the baby, or cook dinner, while you give the 6 yr old some undivided attention each day? You could do something special with her alone, once a week regardless, and more time/days added the less she whines, misbehaves, etc. Ignore negative behavior that's possible to ignore, and deduct from personal time when you MUST intervene. Hopefulle she will learn that she gains more attention by behaving than otherwise.

Another tip, which I must constantly work on myself: tell her what she is doing right, rather than pointing out what she is doing wrong. Keep reinforcing and noticing when she is NOT being disruptive, etc. and praise her for it. Your older kids could help in this way,too.
Hope this helps. Good luck.

WOW!

I'm no expert but how long has she been a problem. I asking because I wondering if she has been having these problems after of before the two year old you have. If she is not a problem at school then the issues at home could possibly be taken care of without counseling. I would have to actually have to talk with you and get details of her behaviors and when she actually acts out. I worked with children with both behavioral and mental health problems and could try to offer some advice if I had more details. If you don't mind email me at ____@____.com

HI, C.. I AM HAVING THE SAME PROBLEM WITH MY 25 MONTH OLD. HE ACTS LIKE HE WANTS TO POTTY TRAIN BUT THEN HE HAS ACCIDENTS IN HIS PANTS ALL THE TIME. SO I HAVE COMPLETELY COMVERTED TO BIG BOY UNDERWEAR EXCEPT AT NAP TIME AND BED TIME. IF HE GOES AND WE ARE AT HOME I LEAVE HIM IN IT UNTIL HE IS REALLY TO CHANGE WHICH NORMALLY ISN'T LONG BECAUSE HE DOESN'T LIKE THE NASTY FEELING. HE WILL EVEN COME TELL ME NASTY MOMMMY, BATHROOM PLEASE. IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING FOR US, MAYBE IT WILL HELP YOU.
GOOD LUCK, S.

Dear C. -

I have two boys, 3 and 18 months. Before we had our younger son, we had our older son in day school a couple of mornings a week. When his little brother came along, he developed a lot of jealousy because the baby got to stay home with mom and he no longer wanted to go to school, and became very aggressive towards his brother. I'm wondering if your daughter is jealous of her 2 year old sibling and is acting out trying to get attention. I found that scheduling activities/outings for just myself and my son helped a great deal. Sometimes all they want is more personal time from mommy and daddy. I hope this helps!

R. in Alabama

C.,

I have a 4.5 yr old who has been trying me for the past few months. I have tried time out, spanking, taking away something-nothing works. Recently, though, someone told me that when they grew up punishment was supposed to be just that. Not sitting in time out next to the TV or toys...so she was made & now makes her kids stand in the corner & not just for the amount of time equal to their age. I have started trying that with my son & so far it is working. He still has his moments but it does seem effective..he made me laugh last night b/c he was in the corner for like 5 mins & he said "Mom, my bones are breaking!" HA!
Just a suggestion...know where you are!

C.,
As a mother of a six year old I can say that this must be normal because my daughter does the same thing. She is great at school and her teacher loves her but when she comes home she is a terror. We have recently started ignoring her when she asks a question that has already been answered. Then we take away week end privileges. Example: Saturday is family day and we usually take her and her sister somewhere fun. just for them. If she acts up through the week she does not get to go. We are filling our way aroung this but I dont think it is something for a professional.
Good luck!!
S.

Hello! I am a Teacher that specializes in Behaviors. First things first, you need to establish that you are in charge. It's not easy once your child is old enough to realize how to work you. Be patient and consistent!!!! That is the key!!!

* What ever you say YOU MUST BE WILLING TO BACK IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Don’t make treats that you are not willing to follow through with. The same goes with promises and positives. Always wait until you are calm and can think clearly.

EX) If you don’t clean your room you can’t come with us to dinner tonight. That sounds good and in the moment it just comes out. But let’s be real, you want to go to dinner and who would watch her. So then you try to back track or say next time, or you are lucky this time. All that you did was show her that what you say has no meaning. Who won that battle??? Instead say well your room is not clean, will have to think about your punishment and walk away from the situation so you can think and have a clear head.

EX) If you do ____________ than on Friday we will go to the movies. Well, guess what the car won’t start and now you can’t go to the movies. Children don’t understand that it’s wasn’t your fault. Instead say when you do ________ we will do something special this week. Then surprise her with an unknown activity and time frame.

•The time needs to fit the crime.
Talking back is a major problem, but one that will not be fixed over night. So you need to come up with a punishment that is reasonable and one that can be done every time that she talks back.

EX) If she gets an allowance, $0.25 in a jar every time she talks back. It takes a little time, but when there is no money left, she will catch on.

You can set up a consequence list together. She will feel like she has some control over the situation. When things don’t go her way, you can look at the chart and she knows what will happen next. YOU MUST DO WHAT EVER YOU SET UP EVERY TIME!!!!!!!!!

This worked great!!!

I helped my Aunt set up a marble jar for her daughter. She starts out with 20 marbles every Monday. When ever she talks back or doesn’t follow directions she will lose a marble. In turn she can earn a few marbles extra during the week. (Have a pre determined number in your head; don’t tell her, that way she thinks she could earn as many marbles as she wants.) Every Sunday night they count the marbles together. Then she cashes in her marbles for money. If she becomes upset that she didn’t have as much as she wanted you can remind her that she didn’t do her chores or had a rough week. Then talk about what she can do to fix the problems for next week.

When she loses a marble or 2, once everyone is calm talk about what happened and what can be done to fix the problem. Don’t go crazy in a mad moment and take all the marbles away. You then lose all credibility!!!!!!! It really works best to give a verbal warning, so she can have the opportunity to fix the situation. Say, do you want to lose a marble, or if you say that again you will lose a marble. Then if the situation continues she loses a marble or 2. Make her take the marble out of the jar. It is powerful; it puts it back on her!!! Make it a system that you both can live with. Look around the house for a jar or plastic container (clear) to hold the marbles. Let her decorate it with markers or stickers. Then buy marbles or plant glass beads (dollar store). If she picks things out and you do it together it is much more effective. The jar and marbles need to be kept in a safe place at home. No matter where you are you can remind her of the marbles. Just always follow through with what you say.

Remember you are in charge!!
I hope this helps. Good Luck!!

M.
____@____.com

hello C.!

when i saw the post you made, i immediately thought, wow, sounds like my son, just a year ago. he is six now as well as your daughter.

yes! counseling is wonderful. i can not stress enough how much it helps! if you can't identify the problem, fixing it is very hard! : ) this is just the way i look at it.

this happened to me with my son. it turns out, he had adhd. although she may not have adhd, add, ect, we had ended up in your position because spanking did not work, time outs were not good, and taking things toys away was an uphill battle. none of these things worked because my son was distracted. because your daugher is six, i would have her hearing tested first, which is usually recommended in cases such as this, secondly, if all is well with that, i would not hesitate to have her tested for things such as adhd, add, etc. with a counseler. if they are not tested at an early age, it can cause the child to not grasp phonics, which can cause them to be held back in school.

it has made a world of difference with my son. although he still has his problems, he has made such progress. he was so miserable, due to the fact that he wanted to please, just like your daughter does i'm sure, but he simply was unable to. i hope this helps. i try to think of all the help i needed when i was going through the first few stages of this with my little one. NO ONE can understand unless they have personally been through this with their child in their home 24/7. sometimes it felt like i was saying the same things over and over to him. and then i realized all the attention was going to the child with the problem...causing problems in the home with my other child. (my son is a twin)

i really feel from your e-mail that an outside source would benefit your daughter greatly. please e-mail me at ____@____.com if you need any help. my son sees a wonderful, well recommended doctor in dothan that many people come from all over to see.

good luck and God bless you all,
lee

Have you ever heard of the love languages for children? There is a book by Gary Chapman called the Five Love Languages of Children. It sounds like your daughter might be the "quality time" love language. While you wait for the book, try spending 15 minutes just with her every afternoon when she gets home from school. She will then feel that her "love tank" is full and may not demand such negative attention from you. I wish you luck!!

S. in Memphis