Disconnection to My 3 Year Old

It's a 2nd child syndrome. You have an active 3yr old that needs your attention just as much, but he is at a stage where he is tantrummy, wants independence and attention. Your 2nd child is still a baby - and is more tolerable, so you tend to want to "relax" with him more. Try to include your 3 yr old and be patient. It will pass. Try not to think that because you have the baby now, that he is suddenly a big boy and can do better on his own. They both need you, just differently. Play, play and play with wesley and include Mathew as if he is playing too. One thing I did was run around the house playing catch with my first son with my 2nd son in my arms pretending he was going to get him.

Its common, and yes a baby is still pretty easy compared to a 3 year old... and well, the older child is not so 'new' and 'cute' now after 3 years maybe... and the new baby is taking the show now.

But... if you really want to correct it... you have to change your mind-set. It is NOT just about spending one-on-one time with a child... because, children have extra "radars"... and they CAN tell, when a parent/adult is just "faking" or REALLY enjoying their time with them.

Next, if the older child continues to feel shafted and less 'liked'... then he may very well inherit behavioral problems. My sister did. She was the oldest. In fact, she "hated' me pretty much most of my life. Because she was jealous. She even told me that. Its miserable.
So be forewarned.
It wasn't that my parents 'liked' me better.... it was just that, i was the 'easier' child. And my oldest sibling, was never easy. It was just a personality thing too.

But, the thing is: it is all about changing your mind-set about it... you NEED to consciously make yourself, 'appreciate' your oldest again. Or... maybe you are just expecting TOO much from him, just because he is now the default eldest child. But a child, is a child. Not any better or worse, because of their birth-order.

It is like, when we are married an the lovey-dovey feelings comes and goes. We have to work at it. Right?
Only this is you dealing with a child now. So, really, it is not just about "doing things with" the child, but also displaying the feelings/attitudes toward that child too... for real. Genuinely. Because, the child will know if it is all just too forced.

A jilted child... is sad. And yes, your son as you said realizes how you feel.... he shows it in his actions. Be CAREFUL that his actions/behavior does not get more or acting out more. Because, the trigger for it, will be his feelings of being jilted or disregarded or just 2nd fiddle.

And all I know is, some kids are affected by it deeply.... others are not. BUT...it does form a child's childhood memories... or how it was when they were a kid. It can be corrected now... or for years and years and years from now... your eldest may STILL feel, that you 'favor' your youngest child.

When you feel like snipping at him verbally or getting cranky at him... you really have to stop. Or give yourself a time out. Walk away, take a deep breath... and APOLOGIZE to him. Kids NEED to hear their Mom/Dad apologize too.... and to feel validated. Otherwise, they will feel it is all just so unfair.
When I am in a bad mood and my voice gets snippy, I ALWAYS apologize to my kids. Always. It is NOT their fault.

You need to nip it in the bud. Your 3 year old, is getting real hurt by it. I am sure. I know, you are not a terrible Mom, you are just being honest. But think about your son.... they have just tender hearts. He will not be 3 forever. Change your mind-set.... and then the heart will follow.... and then the actions... proving to your son, that you do care and you have not changed just because of the baby. And that he is STILL important, to you.

And, do NOT "expect" so much from your eldest... he is ONLY 3 years old. Not 8. Eldest children already have so much 'pressure/stress' on them... because everyone just 'expects' them to act and be older... when they aren't. Keep things age-appropriate.

all the best,
Susan

i think babies are a lot simpler than three year olds. but a relationship with a three year old can be so much richer and deeper! for example, my son said the other day, "some people don't like grandma, but we do!" i laughed hysterically. i only have one. i admit it. i am biased. but i actually have no desire to revisit the baby days.

is there a way that you can spend some one on one time with your big man? a mom n me date could do wonders. also, ask him to help you as you do your daily stuff around the house, chores, taking care of baby? three year olds can do SO many things. involve him every chance you get. you may find you have a willing, eager, unconditionally loving little angel on your hands. and extra hands make the jobs easier. you may find you appreciate him more.

I think this is sooooo typical. You are probably exhausted from the 7 month old and just have less time for the 3 year old. The 3 year old doesn't understand and you feel guilty you can't have a clone to help you do it all perfectly.

Normal!

Make special time for the 3 year old. Schedule it into your day. Reading or a walk. A little planned bonding will help.

Also.......check when you are crankiest. Is it 2 weeks before your period? I had terrible PMS and went on medication for a few years. I was like Dr. Jekyll and Mommy Hyde before I did at different times of the month. I became a nice mom again on meds. I didn't know about it then but there are herbal ways you might try and be able to even out your hormones if you think that is the problem. I'd be glad to make a few suggestions on what to try.

Babies are easier than toddlers.

For me, it's that basic. I love both my kids endlessly, but babies are easier. When I want to do something that I want, it's easier to nurse my baby and have her sleep so I have a few minutes than it is to ask the same of a toddler.

Try to get a little 1:1 with each boy each day. Even 10 minutes will help.

I thought the book, "Happiest Toddler on the Block," had good suggestions.

Gosh, what a great question....I had forgotten about this relationship difficulty with my 3 yr. old boy whom I absolutely adored and loved to no end and still do 11 years later.....

The advice is great already..here are some concrete examples of what we did...

I would pick out 2 outfits EVERY time I dressed the baby and I had him choose which one we should put on. I also had him pick out the blanket for the day.

I had him dress up in a super hero outfit and while I was changing a diaper or washing the baby, he would leap and run and jump all around and I would make comments like, "is that a speeding bulllet?, Is that a shooting star? you get the idea.

I had to explaine to him numerous times when I would nurse the baby, that I did the same thing for him and that is why we love each other so much.

I had him help me put a special basket of soft toys together that were just for him to entertain the baby with. This was a great task as he sorted through almost all the toys asking, "is this one soft enough?" and when we had the basket full of what 'we' thought would work, he actually took the initiative to sit in front of little baby sister and entertain her with them. So, so cute, I just about cried. He was way better at imaginative play than I was or would ever be. To this day he is fabulous about entertaining babies.....

Congratulations on your sweet family!

every mom of 2 children goes through this. You're all going to grow out of this phase. That first year is just really hard. Try to get some one-on-one time in with your older child, after you've BOTH had a nap and are in good moods.

Congrats on your beautiful family. Know that this will pass and you'll always have a favorite, but it won't always be the same one. Sometimes you'll relate better to your oldest, then a new phase will make that switch again. That's normal.

I'm not experienced with this personally, but my cousin has two DDs and she sends the older one on important big girl missions. For example when you are nursing the baby you can send your 3 year old on a secret mission to find something that you make him think you can't live without. This way he isn't climbing all over you while you are nursing and he is happy because you are still "playing" with him. Also, make sure you are including him in things that his baby brother can't do...for example help you cook dinner. This way he can see you still have a special bond with him.

Just remember, a 3 year old doesn't understand how much work goes in to a new baby, and he doesn't see you not getting sleep at night and so on. He sees you as super mommy, and while we all know we can't live up to their expectations all the time, it's the little things that will help take the pressure off!

Good luck!

My daughter is 10 months old and my son just turned 3 so I totally know where you are. It's a great question. First, are you getting sleep? For me, I get less tolerant of my son when I've been up or the baby has been sick. Like you, I was worried that I would love my daughter as much as my son. I find time during her naps to spend one-on-one time. I let him pick what we do- playdoh, puzzles, color or finger paint. I make a big deal out of his little creations and try hard to encourage him and his interests. Like someone else said, I, too, let him pick out her outfits and find toys that she might like. He is still trying to bully her a bit but we work through it. It's important that as much is age appropriate, the same rules apply to both kids. It's also VERY important to simply tell him how much you love him. My son loves hear stories of his birth and infancy. Surprisingly, he loves to see me make the baby laugh and likes my interaction with her. I then see him mimic me and he loves it when she laughs at him. You are doing a great job. It's such hard work and I actually did some counseling when my son was in the terrible two's. My counselor called it "good enough parenting". You don't have to be perfect. Discipline when appropriate and let them know that you love them by hugging, laughing, talking and more importantly to my son, LISTENING. He loves to know that I really hear him. The greatest part of it all is that when we mess up (and we will!), we always have the chance at that very moment of recognition to do it differently. It's never too late if we are willing to be teachable ourselves. Good luck!

You are not the only one, my dear! I went through similar with my 2 1/2-year-old when I had #2 (now 8 months)...I think it has a lot to do with hormones and lack of sleep and their high, nonstop energy and the baby not knowing "no" yet. But knowing that there is a problem is the first step in fixing it (such a cliché I know...but it's true!). I have become aware of how much I yell and have tried to stop (and I apologize when I forget and yell anyway) and try to have more patience and not let the little things get to me so much, pick my battles. I try to make special "big kid" time for him when the baby is with daddy or in bed...and I try to make sure to show him how important/special it is to be a big brother! I have him bring me books and toys on the couch when I am feeding the baby or I turn on a show/movie and we sit quietly and rest together too! It's hard, but just know that someday soon, our babies will no longer be babies...so we need to enjoy it while we can (and nap when they nap...lol!)!!! Good luck!