Diversity and Teaching Tolerance to Our Kids

I love talking with people who have a different view than me, it keeps conversations interesting. I would never even think of censoring someones opinion even if their opinion is garbage. That's where a problem starts is when someone thinks they have the right to censor the way someone thinks.

I'm with Patty B., in that it should be more about a respect thing than tolerance. Tolerance is a word that is way over used in the wrong way. People should be treated with respect (even those who deserve very little, you should still try to show respect) because you are responsible for you and how you behave. I don't really care how many different colors of skin and different languages there are around me, I just want to live in an area that is safe and well maintained. I don't make it my lifetime goal to see how diverse an area I can be in.

To be honest, I have found that most 'tolerant' people are only tolerant of their own (usually liberal) opinions. As long as you agree with them then its OK. Are you 'tolerant' of me because I think abortion is a sin against God? Are you 'tolerant' of my belief that marriage is a sacred institution between a man and a woman. Are you 'tolerant' of my belief that you should not have sex before you are married? Just some things for 'tolerant' people to think about.

If you would like me to 'tolerate' your opinions please 'tolerate' mine and do not condemn them.

Sorry but this is a huge pet peeve of mine.

We do model and teach tolerance, and even acceptance. We actually find diversity wonderful and interesting.

Do we have any prejudices? You betcha! But we know they are unfair in our hearts and do our best not to reveal this to our children.

It's okay to disagree. That's what makes the U.S.A. the best country in the world! Different opinions and intolerance are not the same. In depth discussions are rarely necessary if you model and just teach it's okay for people to be different and have different belief systems. In fact, it's even okay for my kids to feel differently than I do.

Kids.... are parrots.
They... will 'believe' and repeat.... what parents tell them or what they overhear... parents saying... opinions and all.
THAT is how... kids.... attitudes.... become.
They are sponges... they absorb what we show them and say to them or inadvertently comment about in their environment.... or at school.
It is the parents responsibility... to address their confusion or questions they 'hear' outside the home... or at school. Hopefully, in a fair way.... not prejudiced.

No matter what 'attitudes' are being taught at home... good or bad... tolerant or not... a child will absorb that. And then... reflect that, too.

When my daughter was only in Preschool for example.... there was a child that was mean to her.... telling her "You can't play with us, you don't have blond hair.... only blond girls can play with us...." and she was bluntly shunned and criticized.
I told the Teacher. The Teacher said... those girls.... (who were all blond).... had that reputation... of doing that to other kids, that was not the same color... as they are.

For us, we always have discussions about things like this, with our kids.
But fortunately, we live in a State that is VERY VERY diverse, culturally and color wise.
What a child is exposed to, or not... also will subliminally affect them... and their OWN views of other people. For better or for worse.
Some people, don't even know the difference, between a person's "Nationality" and their "culture" or "Ethnicity" for example. They ONLY "know"... what they see on TV or those so called news shows. And, They just judge others per 'religion' or color. So these things have to be taught as well.

1) yes
2) yes
3) yes
4) yes
5) no
6) that everyone is different.... but DO know.. but not everyone is kind.. nor nice. So to discern.... the INTENTIONS of a person. And if they are harmful or not, to you. (ie: even bullying for example). (it does not matter what color they are or their culture). They do not have to agree or can agree... but know who YOU are... inside. Not EVERYONE has to be like you.... nor do you have to be like them. To make your OWN decisions. My daughter is now 8 and she completely understands that, at even a younger age. My son is 4... and so such abstract concepts as this... is still forming. But he gets basic... understanding of it, per his age.

all the best,
Susan

Great questions and answers so far. We talk about this a lot in our family and try very hard to instill not just tolerance towards those different from us but inclusion as well. Just tolerating is great but what if we raise our kids to actually have relationships with people different from themselves. We live in a community that is almost exclusively white and upper/middle class. My kids both attend an international school instead of the local schools in part to give them a more realistic view of the world. We have kids from immigrant parents from all over the world. In my youngest daughters 3rd grade there are recent immigrant families from Hungary, Denmark, Sudan, Mexico, Jordan etc. along with lots of local white kids too. It has been an awesome experience for our family and I think my kids are learning what it took me many years and moving away from this town to learn. Our strength as a country depends on not only diversity but on capitalizing on that diversity. We are already a country filled with people of different races and cultures, can't go back to the puritan days so why not use that strength to out advantage? The first step is forming relationships across cultures.
B's answer below is amazing. She picks two of the most despicable examples of hateful and vicious points of view and uses them as examples of why she is not committed to tolerance? We celebrate black history month here (that's the only "national heritage history month" I'm aware of) because it's so important that we know and teach our kids about their history, not only is it very different from European American history but it's also often not taught accurately in our schools. African Americans did not suffer "famine, pestilence and plague" they suffered being kidnapped, torn from their homeland and enslaved in a foreign land for hundreds of years by some of our ancestors. I don't see why a month of remembering that and educating our kids about it is being too tolerant. Which brings me to my last point, it's really important that we all talk about this with our children, educate them about US history and world history, take them a little bit out of their comfort zone and see what happens. I'll tell you one thing I know for sure, it's never the children that come to a relationship with negative feelings or prejudices. If there's intolerance in the air you can bet some dumb adult put it out there!

This is a HUGE topic in our house...always. So to answer your questions:
Yes
Yes
Yes
No
My most used explanation: " 'Different' is not 'better' or 'worse' All people have differences from each other, but if you stop and look, they have MORE siilarities than you may think. Think about it."
My son has learned to embrace diversity--be it skin color, religion, special needs, economic situation.
He has compassion that he demonstrates through charity, and getting involved in projects for the greater good that require HIS free time.
Great question!

"Tolerance" is a double-faced word to me. It's got something, in its meaning, that recalls the feeling of accepting something even though it's bothering us because it is humane/godly/required by society/progressive/politically correct etc.. to do so. I'll admit, I don't like it very much, nor I use it when I need to explain my son how to handle conflict, for example. I prefer to use the word "Respect", i guess it helps me much better in explaining that we are all equal in our diversity and that, as long as the difference that I find in the other person is not harmful, then there's really nothing to be tolerant of.

Hi K.
Great question.
I see every human as diverse. You are all individuals,no two the same.
So I see this diversity,connect with some don't connect with others.
As long as one sees the person for who they truly are, the rest should just be human interaction.
Open debate is a good thing in my eyes and we will encourage this in my son.
B. K.

We have a diverse set of friends, neighbors, fellow church members, and we picked our neighborhood in part because it is diverse - not just ethnically, but in ages, orientation, and income levels. If my oldest says anything intolerant, I can say "Well, what about so and so?" Or "How would you feel if someone said that to [insert name]"? It works.

I try to keep conversations age-appropriate, and I don't seek to censor anyone else unless they are being overtly bigoted in front of my kids. I respond to things like "Oh, he's all boy" with "Well, he's all [insert name]" in a sweet voice, so my boys get a strong message that THEY, not anyone else, get to define what it means to be "a boy" - but we don't need to fight about it.

Sometimes I have to gently but firmly redirect people who use words like "them" to talk about my middle son (who is Asian). "Oh, I thought THEY only had girls available for adoption..." and so on. I don't like these comments, but since they are not usually hostile, I'll briefly engage & educate the speaker. Some days, I just say, "No. Boys are less likely to be adopted all over the world" and walk off - my kinds need to know that they are NOT required to educate every fool who comes along, unless they feel like it.

My oldest nearly got in a fight at school (he's 6) recently because someone told him God was not real. We was still upset when he came home. I told him that some people don't believe in God and that it's OK - he doesn't need to argue with them - or prove anything. He can just believe what he believes and it doesn't matter what anyone else says about it.

And it's funny that his first brush with this being a problem would make us sound like conservative Christians, but we're UCC - very, VERY liberal Christians. And church is a big part of our family's "diversity training" too.

I'm not that committed.
Some others world views are pretty threatening.
I'm not of the opinion that Hitler was entitled to his point of view and he meant well, and he only wanted the trains to run on time.
If someone believes sexually abusing children is just natural - sorry but I'm not going to just stand there and say they are entitled to their point of view.
No one has a monopoly on suffering.
There are plenty of people who's ancestors suffered famine, pestilence and plague and they don't all have national heritage history months to celebrate overcoming their difficulties.
At what point is tolerant too tolerant?

We had to talk a lot about what it means to respect people who may not be exactly like you when Prop 8 came along in California. We just explained to our oldest that some people think you shouldn't be treated the same just because you're different from them. I then asked what he thought about that and took the conversation from there, referring to slavery and women's voting rights in the past and how it's just as wrong to treat people differently today.

Our oldest has special needs (ADHD, OCD), so we have a lot of talks about how important it is to treat everyone with respect. Even if someone can't control their body, walk or talk exactly the same, that doesn't mean we're not kind to them. We all just want to be treated like everyone else. We model the appropriate behavior through actions of our own.

This isn't a popular view at the moment, but we believe poor people deserve respect and assistance. So, the kids each get to choose Toys for Tots each year. We also donate food and money to local food banks. So, they not only hear our words but learn through actions what we believe is right.

We don't go out of our way to start up conversations with people with different views. We live in an extremely conservative community and just mentioning we're tolerant could be dangerous.

I teach my kids to live and let live. One may be against, say, homosexuality, but in a tolerant society they would not let their own bias prevent gays from having full and equal rights, to include open military service and marriage. I teach them that everyone has the right to live their life in the way that makes them happy, and no one has the right to put others down for how they choose to live. When someone says they feel attacked for having very conservative views, I point out that they are not being attacked for having those views, they are being attacked for expressing intolerant views against others. I teach my children that it is their right not to agree with the lifestyle or views of others, but it is never their place to try to put those people down or make them feel as less than. If you do not have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.

I wanted to add that I have also asked questions on here about raising children in an intolerance nation, and got some good answers if you want to look up the posts.

I am quite tolerant. It doesn't mean I agree or even accept everything others do, but I don't judge them or allow certain things to get in the way of seeing people as fellow humans or even being their friends.

For instance, we were at the store and my 5 year old saw a guy with huge colorful dreadlocks, spikes pierced all out of his face (chin, nose, cheeks, eyebrows) he had on white contacts with the snake eye slits, tattoos all over and dressed in kind of crazy clothes.

My son was like, "What is that guy wearing? Why does he have things all over his face?" I just told him that "People enjoy dressing differently to express who they are." He said, "why?" I said, "b/c it's fun for them". and that was it.

So far, my son has many friends who are of all different ethnic backgrounds, poverty levels, sex, religious affiliation.

There is certainly a difference between being judgmental, and being safe however... if a person is a threat or a danger somehow, then by all means I'm not going to tolerate it.

It's necessary to teach our values to our children. We are very conservative, prude I suppose you could say.. but we can teach our children values, without teaching them that it must be forced on everyone, or that we won't like anyone who doesn't believe the same as us. It's about showing respect. Many more liberal thinking people believe that people like me or are more strict and socially concerned should be tolerant of them at all costs, when in reality they are not very tolerant at all.

My friend who happens to be gay made a really good point the other day. She said that teaching our children tolerance isn't the same as teaching them acceptance, but any effort is a step in the right direction.

yes.
i love when my son doesn'tr notice we may be the only white people in a black crowd or only english speaking people in the area. he doesn't think its a big deal. we don't pretend it dosn't exist either.
he doesn't stare at those w/special needs.
we are all different w/diff challenges and different likes and beliefs.
my husband and i live our differences w/dif relgious beliefs.
Just teach him there are different ways of doing things and different beliefs, as long as you follow what your heart says and what makes you a better person
: )