Divorce and Children

One day at a time, sweetie.

*big hug because I've been there, too*

During my divorce, I went through counseling with the pastor I worked for. I can't tell you how different my life is now because of those sessions. I honestly thought I'd never be able to lift my head up again and that my heart would stay broken, angry and afraid. It did, actually, for a long time. It takes the heart a while to mend because the smallest thing can trigger a memory - good or bad - and I felt like I was being pushed into dealing with my emotions all the time because everything reminded me of the pain. Journaling helped me more than you'll ever know.

That was over 13 years ago. Why so specific a number? Because 13 years ago, I met the man of my dreams who is sitting across from me now. He's strong, reliable, dependable and has a heart the size of the universe when it comes to his family. He's a bit selfish in the community relations department because he's likes his privacy but that's ok with me.

I'm telling you that I don't remember much now of my first marriage. Oh, I'll never, ever forget some of the things but they don't feel as important now. My attitude has changed but more than that, tho. My whole synergy with myself has changed. I'm more confident. I carry myself differently. I don't jump to conclusions so much anymore and keep to myself so I can see who the "real" people are and protect myself from those who want to do my physche harm. It's all about me now and my focus on my new family. "new"? Yup, because every day is new for me now.

T., you are precious and you are a gift. Don't ever think that you aren't. God loves you or He wouldn't have spend His time making you as wonderful as you are right now. He's also given you 2 more gifts to value and accept - your son is one. The other are the lessons that you are learning right now to gain entry back into your "real" world - the one that's truly in your heart.

What's your greatest desire? The one that no one knows about and that has absolutely nothing to do with anyone but you and you alone. Not your son. Not your family. Not your husband. What's YOUR desire? Focus in on that and exceed your expectations of attaining that desire. Make sure that it takes you in a POSITIVE direction, tho. Desires are funny that way.

*another big ol' hug and my shoulder to lay your head on because I'll be a grandma one day and I need the practice. :)*

Hi T.,
My heart breaks for you. But if you really believe this is the right step, then my advice to you, as a woman who has also been through divorce with a very young child, is to 1) get what you want out of the marriage in terms of material things like the car, the house, money, whatever, because you are going to need all those things. Don't let him talk you out of that. I tell you this because I have seen so many women sabotage themselves in this way. You'll need child support, too, and lots of it if he makes money. Don't accept alimony because you'll have to pay taxes on that while he gets to deduct it, but child support is non-taxable income for you. 2) I know you don't like the father right now, but always remember what is best for your child. Allow them to have a good relationship and for the dad to be as involved as possible IF that is healthy for your kid. It is CRITICAL that they maintain a good relationship. So don't EVER bad-mouth your ex around your kid, it just allows negativity and hatred into his life, too, and he/she needs to love that person like they love you. Don't allow your friends or family to do it either. 3) Get into a good Bible-based church and learn everything they have to teach you and grow in your knowledge of the Lord and the plans he has to prosper you. 4) If you need help do not hesitate to find out what your county has to offer in terms of counseling, financial aid, whatever. Use it and be grateful it's even available. 5) If you need to develop skills that are marketable in today's workplace, get on that as soon as possible. Go back to school, take a course, whatever you need to do but get yourself in a good position jobwise and try to stay that way. We are all given talents by God to use so that we may serve others and make a living for ourselves. This is a very healthy thing to do mentally AND it gets you out of your funks and around other moms like you, too. It helps your self-esteem and confidence, and allows you to give your child what they need. Just find a really good child-care provider. My son LOVED his daycare. There are also women who keep kids in their homes and they are also great.
Above all, PRAY FOR GUIDANCE, FOR WISDOM, AND FOR DISCERNMENT, and for heaven's sake DO NOT get involved with another man any time soon, no matter how good it feels. You're a mess right now and you'll just attract another mess into your life so get yourself together first. Ask God to bring another man into your life when you are ready. You will not need to look for him, God will bring him to you.
PERSERVERE, my sister, just perservere. Do not worry yourself over the future, just take it ONE DAY AT A TIME. Anyone can overcome the obstacles of just one day. Just keep telling yourself "All I have to do is get through THIS day." Tomorrow will be better. Count your blessings when you feel down. Look at what's right in your life and not at just what's wrong. You are not alone.
Sincerely, C.

Just go. Really. There are lots of single parents out there. Find your other passion (the first your child) and enjoy doing it. Love yourself, accept the truth of what happened, it took the two of you to end the marriage, so don't blame yourself. What is now important is that the two of you (you and baby) are safe, mentally and physically healthy. Enjoy your baby and go forward, please.

My sister went through a divorce recently with a crappy lawyer, so my advice is no matter what you are going through GET A GOOD LAWYER. Keep records of everything, I hope he is not a psycomaniac like my sisters ex. But really the most important thing is to get a good lawyer.

My best advice would be to keep it as cordial as possible. Don't say or do anything that you would regret having to explain to your child when he is grown.
I gave that same advice to my ex-husband when we were divorcing and he didn't take it. He did some very foolish things because he was bitter, and as a result he does not have a good relationship with me or my daughter.
Unless he drops out of the picture completely, you are going to have to deal with this person in some way or another for the rest of your life, so don't go out of your way to create more animosity.
Just because you were unable to resolve your conflicts as husband and wife doesn't mean that you can't salvage your friendship. Work as hard as you can at that. Except in extreme circumstances, kids need both parents, and the better those parents can get along, the more well balanced your son will end up being.
I can't promise that your ex will have a positive response. My ex refused to take the high road and ended up making things very difficult for all three of us. Years later, I actually feel sorry for him because my daughter is starting to ask questions and he is going to have to answer them.
Bear in mind that how you handle this divorce may have lifelong implications.
Although it is always a good idea to consult an attorney, you can save yourself a lot of stress and money by going to a mediator instead. A mediator is an attorney who will sit you both down together, and try to help you resolve all the issues like dividing assets, custody, child support, alimony, visitation schedule, etc. But remember that if you sign an agreement in mediation, it is legally binding. I would have that agreement reviewed by another attorney before signing it to make sure that the interests of you and your son are best represented.
And most importantly, let yourself grieve. No one ever wants to admit that the reason for divorce is because the parties are so deeply hurt. The resulting emotions from a divorce are no different than as if a loved one had died. I tried acting as though I was indifferent to the whole thing, but the hurt crept up on me years later. The sooner you acknowledge the pain, the sooner you'll be able to let it go.
Well, that's about all I can think of right now. I hope some of it has been helpful to you. I'm truly sorry to hear that you are going through this.

You should seek professional counseling- for yourself...lucky for you your baby is young enough to adapt to a new way of living. It gets much harder as they get older.....if youneed some names - i can give you a few - otherwise just ask around ofr the name of agood couselor especially dealing with divorce. The best thing you can do for your baby- is be healthy- mind and spirit and to raise your baby with much much love.
Good Luck to you- I know it's very hard- my best friend just went thru a divorce and her boys are 4 and 6....

If you do anything, always ensure you encourage and allow your child to have a relationship with his/her father regardless of your issues with him. Try to get along regardless.

I'm sorry that you are having to go though that.My DIVORCE was final in Nov 07 it was a very long one it took 7 months for it to be final long story.Just know that every thing happens for a reason. I know that it is hard to see now.But belive me you soon will. You need to have much faith that god knows what is best for you and he has a plan for you Right now you just can't see it. Right now .Wrap yourself up in your child and he will help you though this.What ever you do keep your chin up and know this situation will change and things will get better.Time Heals almost everything .So Give Time some time.And in the future when you find someone new you may then know what the plan was .
It will all come to pass.
A.

Hi my name is F., and I understand whole heartedly what you are going through. My son was 4 months old when my husband and I separated and later divorced. First, recognize you are not alone. There are women like us, as well as men everywhere, dealing with this same issue. As far as advice for the technicalities of divorce be cordial and open-minded. You and your husband should really sit down and discuss first whether this divorce is actually what the two of you want as adults. Then if the decision is yes list your individual concerns for where you want this to go, as far as, custody, visitation, and when and if child support will be established. Also get someone involved someone who can give good legal advice. In Georgia there are places you can obtain legal advice for less than 20 dollars. Remember though you are not by yourself be strong and adult and you will pull through. Faith, you have to have faith. Galatians 6:9, "Do not grow weary in well doing, for in due season you shall reap, if you faint not." Be blessed.....

hello, I went through a divorce as well but i was with him for 15 years we have 3 kids but the best advice is to get along with him keep him involved in all the things for this child and show him or her just because u and your husband arent together doesnt mean that you cant make it a good enviroment for your child cause i know it is hard but do that and if you get along with the childs father he will know that you both are doing the best thing for the child.

Kimberly Quinones Augusta ga

hi T., i'm a 58 year old mother,grandmother, greatgrandmother. i have a granddaughter that is divorced. she stays on good terms with the father but dosen't let him run over her. try "as adults" to work together for what is best for "your child" keeping in mind that your child will be the one always stuck in the middle of everything that happens. always put your child first. what you teach them now is what they will remember later.

Honestly it depends on how the relationship between you and the father is and what type of role he wants with your child. I just went through a divorce and it was fairly painless but my son's father and I were able to work through everything rationally with minimal arguments etc.

My best advice without knowing details to your situation is do what is best for your child.

C.
www.purelybalanced.com

That is very difficult. My children were a 3 for my first divorce and 18 months for the second. I don't know what to say. Does his father want to be a big part of his life? Encourage the father to have an active part in his son's life. Set up specific days and times for visits. Never deny him seeing his son. As he grows up, talk good about his dad always regardless of what happens because he has his father's blood in him, so he is partially his father. You don't want your son thinking bad about himself. Divorce is never easy. You will be depressed and probably won't know it. I handled my depression without a doctor and look back now and wonder how I did it. Faith in GOD always gets me through. Find support for yourself through family, friends, or church or any other groups. Stay positive and know that everything will be alright.

hi my name is D. and i also went thru the big d it seems like a lifetime ago. and i agree with the woman who says to seek spiritual help cause if you put yourself out the for others advice we may not know exactly what you and your son need but support on the other hand is always here. remember this too shall pass and keep an open mind. as for your child and yourself remember to celebrate life as often as possible and give yourself the gift of friendship. god bless

Honey good luck to you! I have been going through my divorce for a while now and I have two daughters 7 and 2. Take care of yourself and your child will benefit from it. If you need to chat send me a message. just know that you will get through it.
L.

Hello T.,

I know this may sound cliche, but I would strongly suggest to find comfort spiritually. There is no doubt that you will encounter some challenges, but it is to test your strengths and weaknesses. In addition, find a support group of people who are experiencing similar situations, surround yourself with POSITIVE PEOPLE and remember just as long as you have breathe YOU can make a positive change in your life. Never, Never give up no matters how hard it seems. Trust me, after difficulties comes ease. I have been in your shoes. The only difference is I had a 3 months old AND pregnant, while going through a divorce.