Do I Need to Just Grow Up?

After I had my children, I began to think of myself as mom, not an attractive woman. I think, too, that people change the way they view you once you are married and a mom and stepmom -there is loss of individuality-who were you before all of this. I think what you are feeling is normal. It's just how you act on those feelings that matter. You have to make choices
Don't jeopardize what you have.

I am not judging you, but, I can tell you this: My husband and I are dealing with this from the opposite perspective. I want him to have fun, spend time with friends, etc, but...when he goes out at night, to drink and carry on...I feel jealous, left out, resentful. But I never tell him bc I don't want him unhappy. I do trust him but when you're married certain things are no longer acceptable. And a married woman wanting attention from other men is NEVER okay.

I am also 26, and I went through the struggle of feeling trapped, but have finally reached a point in my life where I no longer have the desire to drink and dance at a club type atmosphere.

You should want to do things with your husband and include him. It's not fair if you're the one always going out and would you be mad if he went out drinking with the guys.. at a club noetheless. (I know you said he's not into that, but if he were, how would you feel if he left you home?)

Nights out with the girls can often lead to trouble.. take it from someone who knows.

Going to places that are full of unmarried, single people drinking and induldging tends to not be a helpful or healthy environment to a married person (be it man or woman)especially those with children. Is it fun to let loose every once in a while.. absolutely. But not nearly as appealing as it is when you start finding other outlets to vent your feelings and frustration.

Again, from someone who's been there.

You should start doing activities with other married mothers and find a low key place. Or ask your hubby to take you dancing at a nice place you can both agree to.

Barnies Coffee has buy one get one free "Cappy Hours" and is a great place to go with a girlfriend and have a glass of wine. Especially buy one get one...I even take the kids and it's still a nice low key place to be. (And my kids are 2 and 3..)

Or City Jazz at Universal City Walk is another nice mix of low key live music and also some upbeat music with a nice dance floor for some good dancing in between sets.

It will be far more gratifying to "get noticed" with your hubby on your arm which can ultimately spark an interest for hubby to see you as a sexy 26 year old again and to again covet his cherished wife... Also, its far more annoying for a guy to make eye contact and then realize he can't have you.. lol! Also more satisfying to that you're off the market and no longer playing "those games".

As you said and I will agree, it's nice to get out once in a while and be free. But hanging with the girls, especially at places where most of the temptation lies, leaves room for mistakes to happen and ultimately jeapordizing your relationship in terms of how hubby feels by going without him and hubby knowing you're going somewhere lots of other men will be.

It's time to find ways to destress with each other or to start finding time to get a pedicure or something more low key.

Best wishes, I know it's not exactly what you wanted to hear.. again, I've been there too and I couldn't be happier now that I've gotten past those desires of freedom and unattachment and started doing and finding hobbies for us as a couple (without the kids). It's made our marriage grow even more and kept a bit of a spark going.

Sincerely,
J.

Funny reading the posts I can almost tell the younger mom's from the older ones. When I was 26 I did all that stuff too. However, I am older and have learned alot about how life can change by putting yourself in to a position that could hurt your relationship. As most post have mentioned going out to get some time for yourself is a necessity in order to be a good mother and a good wife. What you choose to do with that time can also make a difference in your relationship with your husband. In reading your post I had no real problem with your night out (although now that I am 39 it's no longer my cup of tea, see you get older and go from booze to tea :). It's the part that you enjoy other men hitting on you, complementing you. As a more mature woman looking back on life, you really don't see with clarity at your age that going to a bar and getting hit on can be destructive on your marriage. Lets say you and your husband are going through a rough spot in your marriage. Your angry, hurt, building up alot of frustration, maybe you all haven't had sex in a while, or he hasn't complemented you in along time. What do you think is going to happen when you go to a bar and had a few drinks. A guy starts telling you how beautiful you are and he understands what your going through, blah, blah, blah. Anyway my point is you are putting you self in a situation that can create huge irreversible damage to your marriage. Is it really worth it? I know it's hard when your young, but maybe you can figure out a middle ground. At your age sitting around scrap-booking may not sound like a great time, but there are lots of options out there. Just look around. If you hanging out with single girlfriends with not kids and going to bars, your in an even worse position. Find some other moms to hang out with. They will be more understanding of your life, people with out kids just don't get it. I hope this helps. Not judging just handing out advice that I wished someone would have told me the first time I was married in my twenties. Going out at night with my friends, flirting, etc. did take a toll on my marriage. I didn't have kids for which I am grateful. If I had I would be living with lots of regrets raising my kids as a single mom and sharing them on weekends with dad. Just food for thought. You are being responsible by putting your self out there and asking this question. GOOD FOR YOU!! Good luck!!

A.,
I hope I don't sound harsh but you made choices when you got married and had children. While it's okay to go out once in a while, this should be something you should share with your husband, not be out to get attention from other men, no matter whether you feel you're jeopardizing your relationship or not. Your husband does not understand, and you feel guilty which is already a great reason to stop what you're doing. Bottom line, you are old enough to be mature to accept the choices you've made and while that certainly does not mean you will never have fun, find a way to leave your responsibilities WITH your husband, not without him. Grandma and Grandpa or a babysitter will allow you both to have time off and blow off a little steam, in ways that are healthy for your marriage and your child. Staying out late, drinking with the girls and in clubs, is not the example you want to set for your children, and something is bound to happen sooner or later that you will regret.

Since you asked the question about whether it's time to grow up, I believe full well that you already know the answer.

Hope this helps, that was my intention,
K.

Mom's need time away too. I can totally understand the going out dancing and drinking as I was fond of that myself. I will throw something out there though. It can't turn into a double standard. Will you feel comfortable letting hubby do the same thing and getting the attention of other women to boost his ego?
I wouldn't think so. At least I would not want another woman looking or touching or talking to my husband while he's out with the boys drinking and living it up.
So, think about it from that perspective. You should probably look into getting together with other mom's your age and doing girls night out that way and him doing the same with dad's his age.
As you grow up and become parents, nights out change as well.
You need to feel good about yourself whether or not other men are checking you out for your physical attractiveness.
But only you can make those decisions. Just put the shoe on the other foot and see if it feels as good.
Good luck and have fun whatever you do. Life's too short to sit at home and rot away that's for sure.

No, you don't need to grow-up. At least I don't think so, I wish I could get out and go have with the girls sometimes. Unfortunately all of my girls are either pregnant or have moved now so I don't get to. Now I am only 23, so a lot of the older moms may not agree with what I say, but even though I don't really get to go out I'm a cashier and every now and then I'll have a guy hit on me and I agree with you, it makes me feel great. I love that someone who doesn't know me or anything thinks I'm attractive, now if they do more than compliment me (like ask for my number or something) I tell them they'd have to ask my husband about that and they back off. I love my husband and kids, but I want to feel like I'm more than a mom and wife so I know how you feel. Talk to your husband, tell him you have to have some time away or you'll go crazy. It's not healthy to just be at the house all the time. Does he have a boys night every now and then like when they go play poker or watch a game or something like that? Tell him your nights are the same thing. That's just my 2 cents. Hope everything turns out well.

A., you don't need to grow up, you already did. It's just maybe that everything came together too fast for you. But things are already done, no return. Now, what you really need is to make a balance and choose your priorities in your life, never, but never forgetting you have a baby which is your responsibility, remember, no return. Taking time for you with some friends is not a bad thing, specially if your husband agrees, you don't want to have problems, but remember that when you decided to get married, was for being with him, sharing with him and so he should with you. You are 26, but you are married and have a beautiful son. Don't try to forget your reality, your decision. You did not mention your husband's age, but it seems he is a few years older than you. Any way this should not be a problem, maybe you two can get someone in your family who takes care of the baby, and you can spend a few days together... "alone". this will help you to not get bored of marriage. Everytime you two find the space, do this, do something different in order to keep the love's flame... HOT!

It sounds to me like you already have grown up! :)

Rule #1 in being a caretaker is making some time to care for yourself. If going out every 2-3 months with the girls is what you need to be a better PERSON, then go for it without guilt. A better person who has found her balance and is not stressed out and isolated makes for a better wife and a better mommy.

Your husband should understand general concept of the need to blow off steam away from the kids, hopefully. The choice of how you blow off steam is up to you. As long as he gets a "boy's night" or whatever every 2-3 months in exchange with no judgement from you about what he does with that time, then everything is fair.

Now if we were talking once every 2-3 weeks, that's an entirely different matter...GOOD LUCK!

-Charli

Hi A.,
I too am 26 years old with a two year old daughter, one on the way, and a 13 year old stepson who comes to stay with us every other weekend as well. My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. I use to love to go out and have fun too, dance, have some drinks, but mostly I was with my husband when doing this. Having my first child made me grow up. I have a totally different outlook on life now. Now I enjoy doing things as a family, with our daughter and his son, doing things such as goofy golf, arcades, go carts, going to the beach, park, zoo, pretty much all family oriented activities. My husband still likes his time to go out with his buddies, watch football, drink beer, and just hang out. I have a hard time with it, because I don't feel the need to go out anymore. I am perfectly happy staying at home and watching movies or playing with the little one. My night out now consists of dinner and starbucks with a friend of mine. She has a child and is pregnant as well. That's what I look forward to now. I just don't feel the need to escape from reality.

A.,
I think your feelings are completely valid, and most of us moms (if we admit it) have felt that way at some time or another. Just be very careful not to get caught up in that attention, because that is very easy to do and in the end it is soooo not worth it! Maybe a good compromise would be for ya'll to get a babysitter and go out together with another couple?? Just a thought.

I think you need to find another outlet besides a night club. You're putting yourself in a situation that you don't need to be in. Find friends at church or in a civic organization that you can spend time with not in a bar. Night clubs are just too much temptation and, if you truly love your life, don't risk messing it up. What you need is time away with other mothers who, trust me, feel like you. You just need to talk, vent, and get away. There is nothing wrong with wanting some "me" time, but a night club is NOT the place to get it.

WOW - lots of responses here... bottom line, if you and your husband are OK with it, then its OK. As long as you are not drinking then driving whats the big deal. Dont let other people judge you - do what makes you happy!

In a way you do need to just grow up and accept reality. Like others have said, it's important for a mom to get out and blow off steam once in a while, and if the way you do that is to listen to music and dance, there's nothing wrong with that. But it seems like instead of blowing off steam, you want to escape. You want to "feel free" and have other men look at you as "not a wife and mother" but an "attractive woman." I understand, but that is slippery territory, my dear. You say you would never cheat, but are you sure about that?

You need to realize that, like Bridgit said below, this is the life you chose. I am 29 and had my first child at the age of 18. I never complained that I was "too young" for my responsibilities, because I chose them. I am now 29 with four kids (two of my own, two step), and of course I need some "me" time sometimes, but I do not pretend that I'm carefree, single and childless because I am not. And neither are you, sweetie. You're 26, not 16. Have fun once in a while, but learn to have fun as the person you are, not just the person you wish you still were.

A.,

Here's the thing everyone has a right to get out and enjoy themselves as long as it isn't hurting anyone or anything meaning your marriage. When I was your age I loved going to bars and having fun but I wasn't married and I didn't have kids. I would sit down with your husband and discuss what bothers him about you going out. Is it that he doesn't like the whole bar thing or is it he just doesn't think you should be doing it now that you are a wife and mother? Does he have a problem if you go out with the girls to dinner and a movie? In other words is it what your doing or that your just not doing it with him?
I know when I was with my little girls dad he use to go out sometimes to the bars I had a problem with him going there but I also had a problem with it because he never stayed at home so I could go out and do something. That created a huge peoblem.
Just sit down and talk about it and go from there and if it's what your doing than your going to have to compromise on your end.

Good luck!!
R. J.

Feeling guilty about going out "once every couple of months?" If it were a couple of times a week, I'd think you had a reason to feel guilty or wonder why you felt you needed to do this. Getting away from the "reality" of kids, husband, home, work, etc. is something I consider a necessity and a recharger. I find NOTHING wrong with going out with friends and drinking, enjoying music, etc. as long as you're being safe, smart, blah, blah, blah. You are 26, not 66. I am 30 and completely understand the feelings, both positive and negative, about being a wife/mom as well as a PERSON. There's nothing wrong with enjoying some time to yourself or some time with friends. Whoever said you give up everything to become a wife and a mother probably isn't really a very happy person if they're honest with themselves.
I know when I have a little time to relax, have fun, be romantic, or just do ANYTHING that doesn't involve "just being a mom" it actually HELPS me to be a better wife and mother. Keeping mama happy keeps everyone happy! I wish I took my own advice more often! Your family is lucky to have you, and they're probably a lot happier when you're happy.
The ONLY concern I'd have... if I found any need for real concern at all... is your desire to "get noticed by someone other than my husband." Nothing really wrong with that at all. My husband, in fact, LOVES when other guys check me out because it reminds him... AND ME... that I AM an attractive woman and that he's dang lucky to have me. :-) It DOES feel good to know you still matter as a woman and a person, not just as a wife and mom. As long as you're not going out SPECIFICALLY for the purpose of having other men check you out, then I don't think there's a thing wrong with what you're doing. Even a little friendly flirting isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as that wedding ring is flashing and everyone knows you're just there for a good time, to relax, and have fun! Not to pick up guys.
Sounds to me like what you're doing is normal and healthy. Try to give yourself a break and remember that you ARE a person and a woman, not just a wife and a mother. You are ALLOWED to have an identity outside of your family, and I think you do yourself a disservice if you don't address that part of yourself. Good luck!

Yes.
Don't do it all at once, just keep putting yourself into maturing situations and the day will come when clubbing and turning heads is the last things on you list of things to enjoy in a day.

I think that you are just fine. I am also 26 with a two year old and I try and get out of the house once or twice a month. Whether it be to the movies or a bar I frequent I am not doing anything wrong. You are right....you are 26!

No you dont need to grow up, I am 37 with an 8yr old and twin 8 month olds. I need to go out with friends once in a while. Grownup time is ver nice and needed I think. There is nothing wrong with going out with your girlfriends and talking and having a good time. Your husband does not go out with the guys once in a while well he should its good for the marriage to out together and with friends.
I.

No!!! My husband and I had our oldest daughter at 20. We grew up fast and are now able to give both our daughters the childhood my husband and I never had. But, now that they are older 8 and 3, we have no problems going out with our friends and having some drinks, dancing, and listening to loud music. Just two weekends ago, we went to the clubs near Universal. It was awesome.

I'm a SAHM and everyone always says, you have to take care of yourself first. Easier said than done.

I say go out every so often and enjoy yourself responsibly!!!!

No, you dont ever want to grow up!! haha jk! I think the fact that you'd like to have a personal life outside of your family life is absolutley normal and well... if it isnt normal, it should be. Everyone has their escape and if hanging out with friends and doing the night life thing every once in a while is your escape, well then hey, thats awesome. Im 26yrs old also with an 8yr old and 36wks pregnant with a babygirl. Im married, my husband has 3 kids from a previous.. 6, 8, and 9. They too are on an "every other wkend" schedule. The wkends they are not home with us we still have my son and soon a second child. I dont get to escape much. There isnt much to do being pregnant anyway. But before I got prego my husband and I would get a sitter for my son and go out together becus him and I are one in the same by wanting to escape the family life. There is a little difference between ur hubby and mine. But I still have my "alone" moments so I may go shopping by myself or hang out with a friend for a few hours. Either way, your "alone" time is okay and perfectly normal. How you spend it is totally up to you, as long as it makes you happy. And your husband should know you love your family too much to jeopordize anything, you just need the occasional "me" time. Hope this helps!! Good luck.

Hi A.,

You are a mom now and there is NOTHING unattractive about that. A bar environment is not where I would want my mom to be hanging out especially if my Dad wasn't there. Men noticing you and making you feel good about yourself is like playing with matches. What happens the first time you drink a little too much? You can't step over the line if you haven't drawn it in the sand!

If your husband doesn't understand, there IS a reason. If you didn't want him to do something, would he just do it anyway???

Enjoy your family and your home. They will last a lifetime!

Regards,

M.

wow. to be 26 again. but i wouldn't want to change a thing. you got so many responses i did't try to read them all. but some people are quick to judge take some of these responses lightly. i can only tell you my experiences.
sometimes i wish i could just go out maybe once with some of my girlfriends(which i only have a few)and let loose. i have 3 boys..13,4,and 2. i've been quite busy. i breastfed them all. i did have some time when i just had my one son. he went up to visit my mother for 2 months for the summer. i kindof let loose. my husband did't care i was out with the girls. but i couldn't even get him to party with. i guess his thinking was "been there done that".i felt so bad that i went out and had fun, and he just stayed at home. but when my son came back home i din't want to go out anymore. now that i have 3 kids, i'd like to go out, but have no interest in clubing anymore. i dont want to get drunk. dont get me wrong i do have an occasional drink at home, but thats it. everything me and my husband do is family oriented. we ride our fourwheelers and go muddin almost everyweekend. everything we do, we do with our kids. i dont single them out, or even leave them with a babysitter so me and my husband can do something by ourselves. to us it doesn't feel right when we just go to the store and our kids are home with grandfather. we did that once and haven't done it since. all my friends go out and party. leave there kids with a babysitter. i just cant do it. all my friends think its awesome that me and my husband can do it like we do and they always commend us.
i think i'm greatfull to have such a loving husband. he's not jealous in the least bit. i do like it when i know i can still make a mans head turn. even after having 3 kids. shoot... i like it knowing my husband can make women turn there heads.(he's still good looking). me and my husband like to listen to our loud music together. my kids love it when we listen to music in the house. we all dance together. my 2 little ones sure can shake their booties. i think you should be able to act your age around your husband, you shouldn't have to act any diffently. you have to be able to be yourself and be truthfull to yourself. i think if you feel this is what keeps you sane i dont see your husband should have a problem with it. but hey you should be able to let loose a little at home too. i doesn't just have to be with your girlfriends. you are 26 your not 40. so what do these people mean when they say you need to grow up. sounds like your resposible. i'm sure you take great care of your family. and you only go out once every other month or so. enjoy yourself and family. live life to the fullest and like this day is your last. you never know when it might all end.

Hi A., I too was a club girl in my day! My hubby used to work nights and I would go out and party with friends on the weekends. Then we had kids and so did all my friends and it just wasn't as important anymore. NOW, I go out in a different way. My friends and I will do dinner...and I'll tell ya....it's better than getting glances from other guys at a club. Hey, we dress cute and still get looks, but our dinners are so much more meaningful and SO MUCH more intimate than looking good on the dance floor. If it's good CLEAN fun, I say have a good time, but remember REALLY why you're going out...to bond with your buds!

No it is good for a mother to get out and dad to sit at home sometimes and chill with the kids or whatever I wish my husband would say to me go out with your friends and have a good night! Id jump out of my grave if I could but no it is good for you because it keeps you feeling like yourself and not someone just pretending to be someon you are not remember your not just a mother and a wife you have friends and family that want to have time with you as well! And as for being noticed by someon else im not going to comment on that because I wouldnt want anyone else to notice me but as long as you feel comfortable around your friends and are loyal to the hubby then you are all good! And remember if he still thinks your sexy then your still sexy!

I remember when my little ones were very young (the first three (I have four) were 1 1/2 years apart. There were times when I would feel like I'd hit my limit. My husband was very kind and understood and I would head out to spend non-mommy time with friends. THat is healthy and good. BUT, as others have said, flirting with wanting to be attractive to other men, is a very dangerous slippery slope. Find friends that enjoy each other, a hobby of some kind, let out some steam, but dancing at clubs is not moving in the right direction. Just ask a few of your divorced friends (or those hooked up with married men), where and how did their unfaithfulness start. Sometimes we don't make huge 'black' mistakes...we just make ones that are gray and then grayer, and suddenly we are doing what we know is wrong. Know yourself. Look at why you want to be attractive to other men. I want to be attractive, stimulating in conversation, wise, popular, etc. but drinking and dancing in clubs where sexuality is heightened is full of peril. from, A Caring Older Mom.

Hello Asheley,
You are awsome! I will be 31 next month, happily married, and a mother of 3. My friends and I go out to Channelside once a month. Just because we are married and have children doesn't mean we have to drop of the face of the earth. I do believe we are living in the 21st century, not the 18th. Does your husband get upset? I say you are doing the right thing. And I also think that if I didn't have that free time, I may go insane! We always take turns being the DD, so we are all good! Next time you go out, send me a message! If we don't do these things, we will just get old and frumpy! Keep doing what you are doing girl! M.

hello A.,
I love this. I am exactly the same way. I enjoy the same things as u don't feel bad. I go out also once or twice a month to get out with my girlfriends and let loose. I am 28 years old and have 3 children of my own. I am also very happily married. Don't feel bad unless you are jeprodizing your health or your husband is feeling insucure about u spending time out. I go through the same guilt and upset with my hubby. But on the other hand my husband enjoys going out with me and dancing too. So he feels left out because of money and babysitting problems he usually is the one left at home.
I am from Tampa, Florida. Where are u from?
It is good to know there are other women out there that think like I do.

I agree that it is important to have time to yourself and to be with your friends, enjoying things that help you to relax and to feel good about yourself.
The only concern I can see is that you and your husband aren't in agreement about your choice of activities when you go out. Be careful - resentments that build up can cause real problems in a marriage. Definitely discuss this with your husband. What are his concerns? Then put the shoe on the other foot, and imagine how you would feel if he insisted on doing something that made you uncomfortable. Don't get me wrong - I totally get what you are saying about the dancing, loud music, the flirting with guys. I did all that too, at your age. But - I wasn't a mom then. Now I choose to do other activities with my friends, like go out to dinner or scrapbooking. We still get out and get away, we still have time to ourselves, but we aren't putting ourselves into situations that could lead to real problems in our marriages.
Good luck!

It's time to give up to night life with the girls. There are other ways to enjoy your friends with a night out. I was in the same boat except daddy didn't do it every once in a while it was nightly. Appreciate your husband and family. Join or form a mom's group that meets for dinner or lunch once a month.

I don't want to be critical, but if you have such a great relationship, I think that one way to jeopardize it is thinking you need to be noticed by someone else besides your husband. You said you have a great husband and wonderful family and would never jeopardize your relationship, then, I would cherish that and find something else that your husband will not object to. Are your girl friends married and have children, too, because if not, then you could be putting yourself in a position where your husband is questioning your motives for wanting to go out, even if they are trustworthy. I do believe we all need some time to ourselves, but it should be doing things that will not cause either party to have any doubts. Like, imagine if what you wrote was written by your husband...how would that make you feel if the tables were turned.

there is nothing wrong with wanting that, i am 25 and still like to get out too. you would be immature if you chose that over your family but sounds like family is coming first here. once every few months is fine. if your husband gives you a hard time make him do something he enjoys while you watch the children for the times you do something for yourself.

I totally understand. I am a 26 year old mother of two and married. We sometimes just need a little time to ourselves.

M.

This is something someone sent me a little while ago. I thought of it when I read your question......

Maybe we all r going through this "Being Twenty-Something". They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling Insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your Opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't.

One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and Cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and Confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to The Past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to
Make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty something friends.... maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion..... GOD BLESS ALL OF US

A., I've been in your shoes before (some 20+ yrs ago). Everyone needs some time with their gal pals when we can reflect upon our lives, responsibilities, etc. I believe that's important. But if you have a loving husband and family, I will tell you - in time, visiting night clubs, etc. without your husband will set you up for temptation, and all the good things in your life will become jeopardized. It's just part and parcel to the night-life scene. It's sooo not worth it! That's the realm that singles typically enjoy, and it doesn't contribute anything positive to one's marriage/family. These things should be enjoyed prior to settling down with our husbands and family. As an older woman who's been there, I will tell you yes, it's time to "grow up" - acting our age isn't so much acting according to our years, but rather accepting the responsibilities we chose to accept in marriage and motherhood. It will pay big dividends in the coming years! My best to you!!

You are growing up by doing the things that YOU want to do. It is important to feel free and independent (even if it is only for an evening). Sometimes I think its our spouses that need to grow-up!

I am over 30, and totally understand where you are coming from. You DO need time to yourself. Just because you got married and had children, did not mean that you had to give yourself up, as well... Going out, and just relaxing, forgetting about the everyday problems will make you a better wife and mother. And getting an ego boost is nice for everyone, as long as its only taken in that way.

Feeling bad about leaving them home without you just proves that you care about them, and that you would never do anything to hurt them. If you do not take time for yourself, it will eat away at you, and you wont be the wife and mother you want to be.

Now whether you go out dancing (great to lose the baby fat), going to dinner, spa treatments, drinks, or just a get together of your friends (other moms or not) is a great idea, and the way i see it--your not doing this every week...you are taking care of your family. i personally, try to get out at least once a month and do something just for me...

Sounds like your husbad needs to tell you why he feels so uncomfortable with you going out dancing. It may be a trust issue on his part, and this is something that you both will have to work on overcoming...because no matter where you go, what you do, there is always the chance that someone is going to hit on you. This could be just doing the grocery shopping, or even hanging out at a park with the kids....and some men do not care if you are wearing a ring or not---actually, It can be a turn on for some--the challange and all.

I dont see anything wrong with what you are doing, as long as you are not giving others the idea that you are available for anything but some fun conversation, and some fun dancing.

You know what? You're are right to go out sometimes and enjoy yourself. It's not a crime, as long as you don't do anything to jeopardized your marriage, have fun.

Here's my suggestion though, my husband and I take turns. He has a guys day or night out and then I have mine. That way we're all happy. Maybe you should try to see if your husband wants to do a guys night out (on a different night). Just like you need a break, he needs one too.

My husband takes Fridays to hang out with his friends. I go to school 3 days a week so he deserves his day off. I do get my day where friends come and get me and we go out, on the 26th I'm going to a friends' party without baby without husband. Sometimes you just have too. Otherwise you'll go insane!!!

I am assuming that you are stay at home mom. I also assume that your husband does some stuff out with the boys that you would not enjoy (sports? hunting? something!). If that is the case then you can tell him that he does his thing with his guy friends and that you don't understand it. Why would he need to watch sport/go fishing/ spend time with the guys in the frequency that he does. As you can tell from how I answering, I don't think you need to "grow up". I have my thing I do too. I go to knitting groups 2 times a month and sit with a bunch of people and talk about knitting. I personally would HATE what you describe (loud music = migraines) but have friends that think that what you are talking about is really fun.

I think this is something you should have thought about before you married an older man with children. Once you have children you are a mother first period, no matter how young. You choose your life and yet you want people to feel bad for you because you are young. I honestly believe that it is ok to go out with the girls every now and then but once you get married you mainly go out as a couple. Yes you as a couple need to go out and do stuff, not you just alone. I forsee this relationship ending in a divorce if you guys don't do stuff alone as a couple. Your husband and you need that time. Find something you both like to do and do it. I really wish you luck with your current plan because it sounds childish and excludes your husband.

Its not an issue of growing up. I do a similar routine as do, every once in a while (like once every few months) I go have what i call my freedom night.Thankfully I have a husband who understands i am only 25 and need to get out and let loose sometimes. so my advice is to keep doing what your doing, as long as family is first thats all that matters, you need the you time!

I am also 26 with a step daughter, only we have custody. Being a step parent is not easy. Yes, we signed up for it, but it's not like having your own. I completely agree with you. We do the same thing... my husband usually comes with us, or just the girls go out. But either way you need that time to yourself. And going out and dancing is a great way to do that, we do it, we also only do it every couple of months, but it seems to last us that long. I think you just need to let your husband know that it is your escape, he probably plays video games, or has a hobby of his own and that's his. Keep on doing what you're doing, but don't end up cheating or anything stupid like that.

It's perfectly natural to want to spend a night out without your husband every couple of months, if not once a month. Unless there are trust issues between you and your spouse, it should be no problem, you both should have "a night out" doing whatever it is you enjoy. The fact you are opposites is probably what attracts you to each other in the first place. Go out and have a good time and enjoy yourself.

Hi, A.,
If it's really only once every few months, and you really aren't flirting with other men, it's probably OK. But it's a bit of a slippery slope for most people, because we're not guaranteed perfect happiness with our marriage/spouse/kids/life every day - so temptation can have a pretty strong pull on some days.

When we choose to marry, we choose to commit ourselves to a different kind of life, a life devoted to one person, and any children that come with the marriage. It's appropriate to leave some things we formerly enjoyed, behind - or mostly behind. It's not necessary to give everything up, especially if you and your husband could come up with a compromise.

Such as, you invite him to go out with you and he says yes, even though it's not his favorite thing. Letting him also enjoy the healthy attention you get, knowing you're going home with him, can be pretty sexy, for one thing! But in order to not make him jealous, you have to not flirt, except with him. Other guys will still notice you.

Then, another time, you do something he wants to do, even if it's not your favosite thing. That way, you each contribute your best to each other and your marriage.

Hope this helps as you think through what kind of marriage you want to have!
M. M.

no i dont feel that you need to grow up. Everyone needs time to themselves every so often. That is the only way we can keep our sanity.

No, you don't- I believe YOU just matured alot earlier than you imagined! I am 40 now and I was just like you. I maried at a very early age of 19 and didn't do any of the parting,drinking, hanging out with friends- I was married and they weren't. Its okay to go out every once in awhile and be you- remember you are taking care of our child, a house and lets not forget- a HUSBAND! Have a good time- but remember you have a amily to come home too!

I am a 37 year old woman that still enjoys dressing up and dancing all night. Its nice to know I still got it. My spouse of 5 years now is only 24 and seems to need that more. Though I tell ya, when I am out doing my mom things with my kids I seem to get more attention from everyone and it makes me feel like a million bucks, I must just be glowing!! He is starting to experience that same feeling. He will say," Baby your man is Hot! There wasnt one woman not trying to help me or talking to me." When he is being a dad I am watching him experience that same feeling and he becomes more content just being a home body dad. I rarely do any thing, but when I do I appreciate it for what its worth.

being aware that you need me time is not childish, wanting to be found attractive by other men though is dangerous. no matter the intent, you dont drive recklessly no matter how good of a driver you are... just to check on the brakes. Have you considered just changing the location? Go to parliment with the girls, loads of fun, no temptation! or the movies and dinner....

Hi A.!

After reading all the previous posts, I think you have a lot to think about! I, personally, spent a little too much time out in my twenties, with my hubby at home with our son. It led to divorce. Bottom line, (and I would change it all if I could) your family is your core. They help to design who you are. Take it from someone who made the biggest mistake of a lifetime, taking pride in being a wife and mother is a gift to your family. I see it in my friends' lives, and I regret my need for those compliments from other men in my twenties. I am 36, and still not remarried, though I have a terrific b/f. My son is the one who suffers. He has a family picture of us from several years ago when we tried to work it out that he holds while he sleeps. It breaks my heart. Do what is right for your whole family. Do not seek approval from other men! It will lead to disaster.

Hope this helps, and does not offend.

C.

Hi A.,
You sound just like me! :-)

I am 26 and with a 2 year old son, he will be 3 in March. My husband seems to be more undertstanding though. He is just not the club type, also he used to go to the pool halls with his friends while my son was an infant and I was a SAHM (which was horrible!) He would be at work all day then come home, just to go out the whole night to be with his friends. But he has stopped doing that, and now the tables have turned. lol

I go out at the most about every two weeks with some other hot mommas, and we go to a club have a good time and dance, we keep it classy, and let it be known we are married/not looking. Of course it feels good to prissy up and get hit on, don't feel guilty girl!

Come have fun with us! ;-)~

Does your husband have friends that he likes to do things with? You deserve to do the same with your friends. Maybe not every weekend, but every two weeks or even once a month you can tell your husband, you NEED to have a ladies night. Also you NEED to make time with your husband, when is the last time you two had a date night?

I honestly haven't been out in about 2 months, so I'm kinda overdue. But as other people suggested there are other ways to connect/have fun with friends than going to the bar/club scene. This Thursday myself and my momma friends are going to a comedy club. Sometimes we chill at each others houses, or go to the movies.

Just make sure you be safe, sometimes bad things happen at night and could be made worse with the introduction of alcohol. Make sure you have a good circle of friends (maybe also moms and married like you) that you can trust.

Good Luck, and have fun!

Hey A.,

You only live once (on this earth, afterlife is another topic for another time), so go out and have fun. When I spend any time with "the girls" it's so meaningful to me. You can be yourself and have fun and talk about "girl stuff". As long as the hubby is ok with your (very) infrequent going out, carry on and have a great time!!!! You deserve it!!!

No, I don't think it's a matter of growing up it's the simple fact that not everyone is the same. You enjoy letting go and having fun by being with friends over a few drinks and he may enjoy going fishing with the guys..... As long as you know in your heart that your not out to sample the platter. lol
My relationship is somewhat the same. I'm the one that goes out and leaves him home with the kids. I do feel bad about it sometimes but then I think about it and he can do the same with his friends, he just doesn't go. I'm 31 and just because I have kids and I'm in a relationship doesn't mean that the person I was when we met "outgoing" has to change. I'm me and he has always known me to be outgoing. I even invite him out and he always declines the offer. As long as you have trust, relax and enjoy your life. Being a mom and taking care of the house and making sure your husbands happy is three jobs all by themselves. So enjoy your freedom when you can!

You've gotten a lot of advice from both sides of the fence here. I think you should just take the time to read through them all and look within yourself for a while. Then you will know if what you are doing is right for you or not. Both sides have good points but only you will know if you want to keep doing it or not.
I believe that taking time for yourself with your friends is a great thing. But I also believe that a club setting is dangerous for a married woman out without her husband. Everyone needs to be themselves with people they like to be around. You need to ask yourself "what do I have in common with all the single twenty-somethings that frequent the bars?" The grass may look greener sometimes, but trust me, some of them are looking longingly at your grass too.
We all like to feel attractive, so definitely take the time to get dolled up sometimes. But be careful if you're seeking approval from anyone other than your husband.
If he is uncomfortable with you going out all the time and you persist... is it really worth it knowing that you're hurting his feelings? (I don't mean all the time as if you're at the clubs every weekend)
Maybe you should talk to your friends and see if there is something else for you to do together on your nights out.
Marriage is a choice. You do give up things when you make that choice. But you gain so much more in return.
If you're just feeling guilty because he's watching your son while you're out... think of it this way... he is a parent, not a babysitter. He is perfectly capable of watching him on his own to let you have time for yourself. You wouldn't think twice or feel like a babysitter if he went out and you were home with your son, right!

There is nothing wrong with going out every now and then. I am almost 34 years old and have 2 kids and a husband. I think as long as you are not doing anything that could hurt your marriage then have some fun. I can tell you that my husband is depoyed and will be gone for a long time I can't wait for him to get back so I can have so ME TIME. I can't wait to see him as well but I need to have time to myself. I am so busy with the kid. Go out and have fun from time to time.

I think you are just fine, as long as you aren't crossing a line when you are out. Just going out, dancing, feeling sexy, etc. I think is fine! I'm 35, and my girlfriends and I go out 2 x per month!! Sometimes it's out to clubs, other times it's just out to dinner or movie, sometimes we stay in and play games.. but regardless of the activity, we are "getting away" and just enjoying some away time!! We even go on an annual "mom's weekend away", where we party it up!! I say GO FOR IT! Just because you have kids and a hubby, doesn't mean life ENDS! :) Have fun! LIFE IS GOOD, and you only get one ride! :) I would however, talk to your husband and discuss what makes him uncomfortable about you going out. Your family should come first, so be sure you both communicate your feelings. :)

All the best,
H.

After reading many very good remarks, you should now be able to make a very sound decision on how you need to handle this road you are on now in your life time. Having a great journey to make, with twists and turns, ups and downs, and in and outs make for a very interesting life. Your life travels are yours only, but yet, that is far from the truth. Once you made the choice to follow the road into marriage and to become a Mother, you changed your course for many years. And, assuming that the choice was yours, you now travel the roads of learning and more learning. And, because you are Mom, how you live and choices you make, will affect the children you brought into this life. {We all wish that a "Tips on Living After Childbirth" book was handed out with that little blue or pink blanket, but not in my life time. Although it makes a unique baby gift to a friend or family member that you can assemble quickly with pictures and advice - advice - and more advice.} It may not seem easy now, but as time passes on and you have gone down so many roads, you too will understand just how important of a woman you are to so many. Now, I do believe you do need time to yourself. But choose an activity that you can look back on and be proud of your self. Dress up and stand up tall, and feel good about yourself. There is always going to be others who want you to join in a moment of fun, but the moment could cause you many hours of guilt. Growing old can be done one way or the other, easy or hard. I chose to take the easy way and accept it. Now I glow in my age and my wisdom and remember all of my roads traveled both good and bad. Live, Love and Laugh Often. Children grow, and then you are back to the alone stage, at which time you then can make another choice which suits you at the part of your life's journey. Enjoy the Journey. I wish for you all of the things that I wish for myself and more.

i'm 35 and i don't "act my age". my husband is 40 and he doesn't "act his age". i have 4 children ranging in ages from 25 to 10. sometimes i act like the 10 year old - sometimes i act like the 25 year old. and when necessary - i am the adult in the situation. these behavior cycles are not a problem in my marriage.

however, if this seems to be a problem in your marriage, then perhaps you need to talk with your husband and try to understand his feelings. maybe he is feeling left out and neglected. you have the baby to care for but when do you have time together - just the two of you - as a couple?

why don't you and hubby go out together alone? you are still a couple and should spend time together - just the two of you. no it's not a sin and no it's not being a bad parent. find a sitter - one of the grandmas or an aunt you trust..... remember - when the baby is all grown - guess who's left at home together??? and you better have more in common than the baby or the marriage will be in very serious trouble...... i learned this lesson the hard way - a divorce.....

now on the second go round - i make a point of going out at least once a month with my husband and behaving like his girlfriend (not his wife) for the evening. it's fun and flirty and great for keeping the flame and love alive in our marriage.

as for enjoying knowing you ar still attractive - this is not wrong so long as you "keep thee only unto him".

relax and enjoy being young. i had a 14 year old i inherited by marriage when i was 24. today she is 25 and i have a granddaughter by her. she thinks it's funny that people are amazed that i am her mom and have a granddaughter by her. my 15 year old daughter loves to laugh at people when she calls me mom and gets funny looks. i don't look old enough to have a 15 year old daughter.....

enjoy..... but keep it alive with hubby......

A.,

I have had friends in similar situations, and unfortunately, if this is an issue that you push with your husband, it will not end well.

If he tells you that you shouldn't be going out, you will feel resentful of him and if you continue to push the subject, your husband will feel the same.

Going out to dinner with your friends, or going out for a bachelorette party is a reasonable. Needing to go out to clubs on a regular basis to affirm your attractiveness, is a breeding ground for temptation, and an open opportunity for accusations.

Put yourself in your husband and your children's shoes (Including your step children) would you want them seeing you in those environments. You are a wife, and a mother and its not about acting your age, its about focusing on what matters most in your life.

You know, I'm 27 and for the 1st time since I had kids, got to have a "girls night out" last month...Not because I wasn't allowed, but because I NEEDED TO! My husband encouraged me to. I had so much fun. I stayed with a friend that night so I didn't even come home. Pretty crazy huh?!?

It is healthy for you to remember that you are more than just a mom. You were someone BEFORE you had kids. Does your husband watch sports with the guys, or go out for a beer after work? Or maybe he comes home and "plays" on the computer...That's his time to unwind. We all have our ways of coping and you have to do what with help you. It helps you be a better mom. It doesn't sound like you go get drunk every weekend, but the occasional night out is healthy! I say YOU GO GIRL!

Nothing wrong with going out once in a while. But I believe you answered your own question really. Time to grow up too. You are a mother now and cannot party like you were single. I also think that you should only care if your husband notices you when it comes to being attractive. I am semi-oldfashioned this way. You chose the life of settling down and being a mom, being the best mom you can be and the best wife will make you a better person....partying and "acting your age" can cause drama and lots of trouble, even though those aren't your intentions.

Hi A.! I feel for you! I am happily married, staying home with a 6 yr. old and 1yr. old...but...we all need opportunities to get out and have fun! Whether it is going out to a club, seeing a movie, going to dinner, bowling, whatever!..you need to get some time with your friends. Once every couple of months is what you said, but I don't think there should be a problem with once a month, maybe even twice. I haven't been to a bar/club in probably closer to a year(jeez!), but I still enjoy taking the time to go out to dinner with my girlfriends or even just to a margarita night at a friend's house. Yeah, it is always nice to be noticed by other men, but you don't want to get too carried away with that. Just make sure they know you're off the market completely and you should be fine. A little flattery does a mind good, as long as you don't start thinking, "damn! I'm so fine I should try to find someone better than my man!" =)
Does your husband spend time with his friends? Even just hanging out at their house? If he has the opportunity to hang out with his buddies, he should understand you needing the time with yours. My husband is of the same mindset...the why do you need to party? I don't need to...We just talked it through and I let him know that going out is just something that relaxes me and allows me to have fun with my friends. He is trying to be more understanding now that we have talked it over more. Also, I have been trying to get him out of the house more, without the kids in tow. We went bowling with mutual friends and had a blast. I got my share of male flattery =) and he was there to have fun also. I don't think that you should feel at all guilty about needing "ME time" especially seeing as how its only every couple of months. Go out, have fun, just be careful and make sure you are always with friends who care about you and your family and won't let you do anything stupid if you have one too many margaritas.

I'm 36 and a Mom of a 21yo (away at college), 19 yo that was homeless, 17 yo, 11 yo and a 7 yo. I personally don't see a problem with you needing to be a woman. As long as your not doing anything that you would be ashamed of if your hubby or kids found out. I might suggest a date nite once in a while also and telling him to go out too. The two of you might enjoy bowling or shooting pool in a leauge so you can go out together but not have to stuck to eachother that way you both know what the other is doing. I hope this helps!
K.

Well, it sounds like to me that you have a great relationship with your husband. Does he have a problem with you going out or are you just feeling guilty about it? If he doesn't have a problem with it and you are just going out to let off steam, I personally see nothing wrong with that at all. I used to love to do that, when I was your age. My Mom NEVER understood that I was going out with my friends and I was NOT going out to *hook up*. But I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong, I wasn't just getting wasted and acting like a nut lol. You have a lot on your plate and if you get a chance for a break, take it!