Do You Feel Obligated to Go to Your Husband's Office Holiday Party?

I'm alone here but the boss and his party take priority. Maybe I've been in the corporate world too long but this is really an extension of his job (and for you to support him) and a time for him to celebrate with his direct reports.

I would leave it up to my husband on if he felt like he really wanted me there or if he was ok with me going to my party and him to his. I would do whatever he wanted. My husband is a priority before my friends and if he felt it was important for me to attend his company party, especially being a the bosses house, then I would go. Good luck.

We have the reverse situation (it's my boss's party at his home, it's long and includes dinner) and while I prefer my spouse to come, I do not think he's obligated to do so and if he had other plans, that would be fine.

You go with your husband and support him. He doesn't work for the company, you both do. That is how I have always looked at it. I'm the HR Manger at my company and I am also the event hostess. Trust me, when someone isn't there, it is noticed.

This is a no brainer for me.

Don't underestimate the importance of you participating those events. Supervisors are feeling out how your husband is supported by his family/ wife.

Your also want to meet the people which your husband is spending more hours than with you. They are important for his career. He is talking probably about some of them at home and finally you get to meet them.

Because this is a supervisor new to your husband, I think the situation is different from it would be if your husband had worked for this person a while. I normally would say, you go to your friend's party and husband solos at the work party; we would absolutely do that in our household---but my husband has been with the same organization for a long time. In your case, your husband doesn't know yet if this party is considered an unspoken "must do" by this supervisor or not; whether attendees know that "bring your spouse/SO" means "If it works for you" or if it really means "You and SO are expected to be there because absolutely everyone else will bring an SO." And so forth.

I would go with your husband for the full event and afterward, make plans to host these friends of yours in the doldrums of January when there's not much going on. Your friends will understand.

You do mention that you see these friends "a couple of times a year" anyway. Figure that the boss's holiday dinner is only once a year, right? So go with the latter. By next year your husband will have figured out if this holiday traditiion of the supervisor's is just a nice extra and has zero impact on the workplace, or if it's more of a case of "You really need to go because it's face time with the boss and the boss likes to meet and greet with spouses once a year."

It's a small party, too. It's not like the boss asked your husband to something with dozens of attendees at a hotel ballroom; it's a small gathering at the boss's home, which is much more intimate and a bigger deal of an invitation.

Attending an adult partner's work event (the events where partners are invited) is the grown-up version of attending his holiday recital or something similar - a chance for you to personally meet the people he is with every day and to celebrate their accomplishments from the past year. Do not miss it!!

And, your husband *definitely* should not miss it. His attendance has nothing to do with "he should go if he feels insecure at his job" - it is a work-related event, it should not be missed by him without a very very good reason (travel, birth of a child, etc - not because of another party).

Can you send your children to the other party with a babysitter? Not sure what type of party your friend's party is.

Actually, I would tell my friends that I need to attend the husband's party. Why? Because it's a newly appointed position.

I would ask a friend to pick up the kids so they are not missing out on the party. Heck, I'd even pay for an Uber so the kids can go. then pick them up after the dinner party.

Welcome to the real world of work. Hubby's party over rules your friends party. He is the breadwinner in your family and he and you have been invited to the boss's house.

Can you send your kids to your friend's house earlier in the day and they sleep over and you pick them up the next day? That might help. As far as the saying, "I hate for my children and I to miss my friend's party," it is part of life. It is a teaching moment about holidays and priorities and disappointments and commitments. We can't do them all.

Perhaps the next party with your friends you can host and spend time together other than the holidays.

the other S.

well, that's a miserable scheduling situation! sorry it worked out that way. yeah, i'd pull up my fleece leggings, paste on a smile and go to the office party. unless your husband's job makes undue demands on his off-time, it's just a smart career move, and sometimes this sort of thing is called for.
to answer your question more specifically, my husband's company only does a big social spouses-included shindig every other year. and while i find small talk and cocktail chatter painful, i do gussy up and go. it's not the sort of thing i have to do very often in my life, fortunately for introverted me, and it's sort of fun in that i get to put faces to the names i hear about all year. and the food is always slammin'.
i guess your kids won't get to go this? get them their favorite sitter and some great holiday movies. maybe you can schedule a day of winter fun with the friend whom you rarely see and her kids? that will help the office party go down a little better.
khairete
S.

Corporate (his job) trumps social in my opinion.

When my husband was working for someone else they typically flew us to corporate for the event. I was included as his partner.

Things drastically changed when we started our own company because it was the 2 of us with our daughter. Last year he died so it's just daughter and myself now.

Early on when I was corporate marketing he attended my events to support me as well.

A true friend will completely understand. This is your livelihood....

He does not need to miss this event and it's better if you are with him to show support, unless he's up for looking for new employment when things get tough!

My employer just announced their holiday party, Jan 14th. My husband doesn't like highbrow stuff but he sucks it up for me. His party will be in January as well but we won't know for another month. If I already have plans I will cancel them because work pays the bills, bills keep a roof over our head, ya know? For whatever odd reason the two parties never conflict with each other which would actually be a real decision. Yours is a no brainer, go to his work party.

Absolutely, you have to go to the boss's party. I'm so sorry, but you do. You will harm your husband's career if you don't.

I feel like you should go to the bosses party and support your husband. Is there anyway your friends can make the get together the day before or after?

Ugh, that sucks. I would go to my husband's office party in this case though. It seems like the right thing to do. Can you leave right after dinner and catch the end of your friend's party? I would try to do this (without kids since they will be with a babysitter at home). Then set up another time to see friends in January.

I trust my gut on things like this. It really depends on how important it is for you to be there. I think this would be different for everyone. For my husband's career - would not be important that I attend his boss's party. But if it was his senior boss's party, then yes - I would feel I should be there. My husband would ultimately leave it up to me - but if it would impact his career, I would likely show.

I would then host another little get together or brunch or cocktails .. something for my friends.

This happens all the time. It really depends on the situation. Generally I don't cancel plans if I've already said I was coming. This might be a situation where I'd make an exception. Talk to your husband and see how important it is you go.

I kinda think you gotta go too. It sucks, but you will have fun and it sounds like the boss puts on a pretty nice party. Maybe if this is your good friend, she would be willing to let you drop off your kids to play with their friends at her party since you'll need a babysitter anyway?? Maybe??

It sucks, but I would call my friend (who's hosting your friend get-together) and just explain that you can't make it after all, due to work obligations on your husband's part. It really does sound like this is not something he needs to miss, and that he will be the odd guy out if you make him go solo. Nobody likes having to explain to his/her boss that their spouse couldn't make it bc of another (better) party.

Maybe, if you talk to your friend early enough, she might even think about altering the date of her get together. I wouldn't ask that. And it might be too much to hope for. But you really never know unless you tell her you can't make that date.

Sorry. In this case, I think duty is the priority over pleasure.
--ETA--
Oh, just realized I didn't really answer about how *I* feel about being obligated or not to *my* husband's office party. Well, husband doesn't really have an office. He works in a control room running airplane traffic. There are often occasions when people get together socially, but since his job (literally) NEVER closes, then this is just a non-issue for him. If he did have a direct boss (they are all equal doing the same work, with a cycle of supervisors who manage various shifts but are not direct bosses), and they hosted a small gathering at their home, I would feel obligated to go. I'd be anxious, but I'd want to meet the people he works with--which changes from year to year as they bid new schedules yearly.
I, myself, just went back to work part-time. If my employer (a small- family owned business with about 7 employees/staff in total) had a party like you describe, yes, I would attend, and I would expect my husband to come with me also.

Margie's answer is spot on. I never dragged my hubby to work stuff and my career didn't suffer for it. If it had been important then he would have attended. Since your hubby is new to this supervisor me should ask a coworker or two about it implying that its conflicting with something that was planned for your kids. No mention of what the other obligation is just to see what they say about it. If its something pretty formal then you may be stuck going but if its more of a wander around making conversation then I might not be missed.

If you end up going to the business party maybe a friend or family member could bring the kids to the other party. I watch my grandkids a lot while their parents work and cart them off to parties and events all the time.

I think your husband should go to his work party, and you should go to your friend's party with the kids. I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with your husband relaying your regrets as you had already made a commitment to a prior engagement. It's right to honor commitments, and your husband's boss should respect that. As long as your husband is being a pleasantly outgoing and gracious guest, he will be making the right impression. Since when is having a spouse required for good career etiquette anyway? It really shouldn't be. I look at it as his boss just being nice by including the spouses but wouldn't be offended if all some didn't attend. What about the single employees? If I was the boss, I wouldn't give it a second thought. I mean, what if one of my employees was having marital issues? You never know, and it really isn't anyone's business what an employee's spouse does. It really shouldn't matter. I'd give the boss a little more credit for not be so old-fashioned or jumping to conclusions that you are skipping out because you don't like them.

Husband goes off with his boss, you and the kids go with your friends! Problem solved.

You're already committed to your friend's party and are unable to attend a work party.

If there is a work dynamic where your husband feels this was an order and not an invitation, he can attend solo and simply say you had a prior commitment.

What does your husband want you to do? Will all the other spouses be there? Does he want you by his side? Will he feel out of sorts without you? Then you should go. If he says, eh, you choice, then go out with the girls. But be sure that your husband's preference is your first concern. Impressions with the man who pays you and keeps your work life in balance is #1.

I would probably divide and conquer. Your husband can go solo to the work party and you and the kids go to your friends party. I do think it is important for your husband to be at the work party because it shows he is part of the team and allows for networking. Most men I know are bored out of their skulls when they attend their wives friends parties, so he may be grateful to get out of that one anyway.

First hour or two goes to the boss. Husband stays and you have prior engagement, and head to the friend's house. People are busy in December. But at least you will have made the effort and gushed at their decor and appetizers.

Could you do both? I'm not sure if these are open house style or sit down dinner.

I would go to the boss's party first and show up early/on-time. Once that party is in full swing, excuse yourselves and go to the friend's party. I would also let the boss know you have another engagement, but would love to show up for the first half of the party (or have your husband let him know).

I do not know if his party is open house or sit down dinner. This info would/could change my answer.

You already made plans.
Your husbands boss made his invite too late.
Social calendars fill up - and - people travel to see family too.
How nervous is the office situation?
Does your husband feel insecure in his job if he doesn't go to his bosses shindig or goes alone?
If his job security is in doubt, I might see about canceling with my friend.
If not - oh well - hope it works out better next year.

Additional:
I had a boss who did a holiday open house.
Anyone could come and it was just to stop by, have some eggnog and a few cookies, chat for a bit and people were coming and going for most of the evening.
No pressure to come - some could and some couldn't - and even his neighbors and their kids would drop in.
It was very free form and informal - and everyone enjoyed it.
Maybe you need to know what sort of a party your husbands boss is planning?

You RSVP'd to the other party so I would hope the new supervisor would think it would be rude to cancel.

Ask your hubby if he really truly thinks you need to be there - if it would just be "nice", you don't need to worry about it.

It might be nice to reach out to the new supervisor in some way for the holidays. Perhaps drop off (if convenient), or send a gift of some sort of food or nice plant that can be used at the event, with a note.

Tough call! I read through all of the responses and was surprised at how many people said you need to go. I'm a very traditional/conservative person, but I find most people on this site to be a little more liberal (just an observation!). I figured most people would say, "his job--no need for you to go".

My husband has been in the same career for almost 20 years. When he first started, spouses attending parties/socials, etc would have been practically mandatory. But, things have steadily dropped off over the last several years. Twenty years ago, many spouses didn't work (spouses married to people in his job), but that's changed, too. So, many people think--you go to your work thing and I'll go to mine.

I honestly think either would be fine. Your husband doesn't have to give a long-winded excuse. He can just hand the boss a bottle of wine and say you couldn't make it this evening. Done.

Well, in this case I'd much rather spend time with my friends.

I would also want to support my husband. If you already have plans you already have plans. Unless it causes your husband problems if you don't go then just make your excuses and be done. If your husband really wants you to go too then you are likely going to have to choose to go with him.

Ask your husband what he thinks. When I went to my husband's xmas parties, I hardly ever said a word because first, I didn't know anyone, and second, everyone else talked so much I couldn't get a work in edgewise. I was really just there for "show".

But, if your husband thinks it's disrespectful for you to decline, then I guess your loyalty should be to him.

I would "be there" without being there. No one objects to an extra bottle of wine that a dinner guest brings, and the next day, I'd send flowers to the hostess.

That stinks. I think it depends on your husband's relationship with his boss. I've worked with mine so long that we're very informal and he would totally understand if my spouse couldn't come. But unfortunately if your husband isn't as close with his or his boss is uptight or your husband is kind of new there, you may have to miss your friend's. No chance you could go to the boss just for an hour and then to your friend's? Just you go to your friend's. Your husband needs to stay for the entire boss party.

my hubbs workplace does the "parties" on work time and rarely does a spouse show up.