Do You Treat Your Kids Equally on Every Issue?

I think they should be reasonably equal/comparable but not necessarily 100% identical.

Kid A worked hard and got scholarships...Kid B could have too. Yes, they have different abilities, strengths and weaknesses so what they are eligible for would also vary. Additionally, tuition is different from year to year and definately college to college so an example would be that paying all of Kid A's tuition could be a lot less than Kid B's simply because it is a different year. Also, what field they are studying can make a difference too (business vs pre-med). Maybe offer to pay the same percentage of out of pocket expenses.

Ask him to look at it like this: rather than spending the exact same amount of dollars, you want them to have the exact same amount of opportunity.

NO. I do not treat my kids equally on every issue.

I do agree with hubby that you need to be fair, but fair and equal and 2 separate things. I don't think it's as simple as saying willl give each of you $50,000 for college. "A" may go to an in state public college, and ""B" may go to an out of state public college. Maybe you could agree on a certain %.

i have a 25 year old daughter from my first marriage and 2 boys from this marriage...

My boys are 9 and 11.

As to punishment - yes - they are treated equally.
When it comes to presents - probably not. but it's not done intentionally - like we favor one over the other. But we don't go out and spend more money because we spent $100 on the 11 year old but only $75 on the 9 year old? NO. We buy what they like, want and need...with need being the most important.

Your kids are different people - they need to be treated differently. One excelled in school - GREAT!! The other excelled in sports!! GREAT!!! They aren't twins and even twins aren't the "same" - they have different personalities. So bottom line - your need to treat your kids in a way that reflects them and their personalities and goals.

I disagree with your husband and agree with you. Each child should be parented in such a way that they are successful for his/her abilities and ambition. That is definitely not the same for each child. My in-laws were experts at this, raising five children (4 adopted, 2 special needs). Let me illustrate...

My husband, by the time he was 17, showed my IL's that he could take the car out, not wreck it and be home by curfew. His curfew was lifted because he had shown responsibility and he continued to make good choices even with no curfew. My eldest SIL, by contrast, lived at home until she was 20, and NEVER had curfew lifted because she could never get home on time (plus she had a habit of wrecking the car). She never showed the responsibility and even now, nearing 50, she STILL can't show up to anything on time. We all give her a start time of 30-60 minutes earlier than required so she'll actually be on time!

My sons are like your children. My eldest, starting his senior year, is a scholar. He's currently 2nd in his class and is looking to attend university to be a vet. Obviously, we're hoping for lots of scholarships but we're preparing to pay what we can. My youngest, by contrast, has wanted to be a Marine since he was 7 years old. Then, he wants to be an engineer. As he once told me, "Mom, I want to learn to blow things up, then learn how to build things better AND then be an architect to make them look good." Not sure I like the "blowing up part," but it's clear he may be better off enlisting straight out of high school and pursuing college when he gets his adventurous wanderlust out of his system. While I'm WILLING to help him pay for his college education, HE may not need that from me. What he may need is for me to support his choice to be a soldier.

As for gifts, my husband and I try to keep things balanced, although some years there is disparity between what the boys want. In our family, each boy got to choose a huge family vacation as their present for their 13th birthdays. My eldest chose Disneyland (over $3000). My youngest choose a couple of days of whitewater rafting (about $1500). Both boys swear THEIR 13th birthday was the best family trip ever. By your husband's standards, one got ripped off because his vacation was half the cost. But, according to my boys, both presents were perfect...for them. Put another way, if one kid gets a $200 piece of electronics, they other kid might get roughly $200 worth of other gifts. I'm ok with that. But, if one kid *really* wants an expensive gift and one kid *really* wants a less expensive one and they both get what they want, well, both are happy and that makes me happy.

Sounds like your husband's parents forgot that each twin was truly their own person with individual needs. I hope you can help him out of that outlook.

Good luck, dear mama. It's hard to unlearn things we grew up with from childhood.

Fairness isn't every child, student, kid getting the same but every child getting what they NEED!

Ur husband is a very black n white kinda guy isn't he?

It's a tricky line to walk, and we can only do the best we can do and try to do what we think is right. I disagree with the "tit for tat" approach. I mean, when it comes down to it, when one kid reaches point "a" you are in one set of circumstances, when a subsequent child reaches that same point, child A is now at point "b" and your circumstances are (possibly radically) different than they were when child A hit point "a".
All we can TRULY do is try to treat our children FAIRLY. Which does NOT mean parity financially necessarily. If you have a 5 year old and a 5 MONTH old, are you not going to let the 5 year old ride something at the amusement park because the baby isn't allowed on the ride?? That would be insanity... and you can extrapolate that out however far you want...

For whatever it is worth, our kids are 13 yr old boy and 10 yr old girl.

my kids are very spaced...I have a 4 yr old, a 10 yr old and an 11 yr old. They are each very different and unique, not only have I had to use different parenting styles, but due to different interests it would have been silly for me to try and always make sure things were even by the dollar amount....not to mention that the cost of living changes year to year, when my daughter was my sons age she could get a package of Littlest Pets at walmart for $3....that SAME package of Little Pets at walmart is now $6 or $7!!!
Also my oldest is into video games and game systems and music, where as my daughter is interested in mainly art supplies....if I spend $60 on ONE video game for my son does that mean I should go out and spend $60 on art supplies for my daughter when I can go out and buy her $30 worth of art supplies and she is tickled pink?
When it comes to education we are talking a whole Different ball game. I cannot imagine trying to nickle and dime it to make each child get an equal penny by penny amount...to me that seems crazy.

Updated

my kids are very spaced...I have a 4 yr old, a 10 yr old and an 11 yr old. They are each very different and unique, not only have I had to use different parenting styles, but due to different interests it would have been silly for me to try and always make sure things were even by the dollar amount....not to mention that the cost of living changes year to year, when my daughter was my sons age she could get a package of Littlest Pets at walmart for $3....that SAME package of Little Pets at walmart is now $6 or $7!!!
Also my oldest is into video games and game systems and music, where as my daughter is interested in mainly art supplies....if I spend $60 on ONE video game for my son does that mean I should go out and spend $60 on art supplies for my daughter when I can go out and buy her $30 worth of art supplies and she is tickled pink?
When it comes to education we are talking a whole Different ball game. I cannot imagine trying to nickle and dime it to make each child get an equal penny by penny amount...to me that seems crazy.

Oh no, every child is different. While I hold each of my kids to the same responsibilities, respect, etc... every child is different. While the same goals are in mind, each path to get there is unique.

Since you and the hubs have opposing views, all you can do is find that common ground and compromise.

That's just silly! Should I buy shoes for everyone when only one needs them? Should we give them all the same amount of food? I have one child that needs more blankets on her bed than the others. Should I tell her "NO, that isn't fair." If only one child was invited to a birthday should we tell him or her no because the rest weren't invited? Each child is different and we give them what they need. I have four kids and when the third child was born it was more than obvious that we weren't going to be able to give each one the exact same. You don't pick favorites. You recognize that each child is different and you give as there is a need.

Yes every child is different, but you should keep gifts equal in price- it doesn't have to be to the exact amount but you should keep it equal. Even with Grandparents, we tell them to keep things equal between all of our kids so no-one is hurt (kids love to brag about their goodies from relatives) My grandmother always did more for my cousins (she LOVED boy's) and they knew this! They would come to my sister and I and tell us how much she loved them over us. And really when it comes to your children, why would you even have to argue this over with your husband? I have a bonus son, I always want to make sure (even though he is not with us but 10% of the time and recently even less) that is all equal between the 5 kids. Good luck!

Well, at least you know why your husband feels this way. :) He was raised in a "let's be fair" house. But you know what? Life is NOT fair, and it's UNFAIR to raise your children as though it were.

No, I do not treat my children the same. Granted, they are 6 and 15 months, but I still do NOT spend the same amount of money on them, or their clothes, or their toys. I do not discipline child number two in the same way as the first (child number one needed no discipline, she's an angel. Child number two is making up for that.)

I do not love them in exactly the same way, although I have ENDLESS love for each one...because they are not the same person. Each one is special to me...I don't have a bunch of carbon copies.

Fair is enabling each child to be their best, regardless of what it takes. Your husbands definition of fair is false. :)

My children would tell your husband that fair does not mean equal. They know my definition of fair is "everyone gets what he/she needs at that particular time". Equal means "everyone gets the same thing".

If Kid A had a headache, and Kid B broke his arm, they would both be in pain. To be equal, you'd have to give them both some Advil. That's great for Kid A, but won't do much for Kid B, right? That's why we treat them fairly, rather than equally. Kid A gets the Advil, Kid B gets the splint/cast.

Tell your husband to quit treating the children equally, and start being fair.

And I totally understand where you're coming from......my husband is an identical twin, and my in-laws did the exact same thing. Everything had to be completely equal. Still does. Drives me freakin' nuts.

Blessings!

My mother was always hung-up on this too an dI never understood it b/c we didn't care! Our gifts for all occassions were all in the same ball park and she seemed to pride herself on that. We always thought it was strange and told her so.

As for college, my parents treated us all equally in the sense that they paid for our 4 years of college. Where we went was up to us. I went to a private out-of-state college that cost a fortune. I also worked my tail off to achieve that and maintain that. My sisters both stayed in-state and worked hard while there. They didn't "total it up" and cut the girls a check for the difference years later.

Aside from gift-giving, we were treated as individuals and had our needs met as individuals. My husband is also a twin. They were treated exactly the same all the time- and they both will tell you that they hated it. They are incredibly different, so applying the same parenting, gifting, educating, etc strategies to both usually meant that neither of them felt supported.

Fair (in my mind) is making sure that each child has what he needs (within your ability) and not comparing him to his siblings.

No, I don't believe that kids should be treated 100% equally because they are independent individuals. However yes, if you normally spend $200 on gifts and one kid got a bunch of gifts but the other wants one expensive gift, then that's all they should get and they should know that. When my oldest was 12, at Christmas she wanted and IPOD and she knew ahead of time that her younger brother would still have 10 or 12 gifts to open and the IPOD was pretty much all she'd have to open. I don't believe that fair and equal are the same thing. I have money put away for oldest kid to go toward college; no money for 2nd kid - I'll help him as much as I can at the time but right now, older kid is going in 2 years and that has to be my focus. Younger kid gets more allowance than older kid did when she was his age. Why? Because she would nickel and dime me for money. If he's out somewhere for instance and there is a snack bar or souvineer shop, he carries his own money, buys his own ice cream or soft drink, purchases his pet's food and bedding with his own money - I'd normally have paid for these things but he likes to handle his own money so I give him more. I try to give each kid what they truly need and in some cases, what they deserve. I think absolute equality makes for sibling rivalry. I knew a family once with two boys close in age - on either kid's bday, the other kid got the exact same gift as the bday boy; neither kid could get a pair of pants or pajamas without the other one getting the same even if the 2nd kid hadn't outgrown theirs and didn't need it because they had to be "fair." We don't use the word "fair" in our house.

No, because they are different people. But we try/tried to keep it similar for things like big birthdays, holidays, etc. In the ballpark, anyway. When SS wanted video games we told him he would get fewer presents because they cost more than SD's polly pockets.

My stepkids have x amount for college. It will be the same or very similar to each other. Whatever they need above that for college is theirs to handle - grants, loans, scholarships, their mom or other family. What my SS has not used for undergrad (scholarship) he has turned into money for grad school, or to tour Europe for 3 weeks. If my SD doesn't get a scholarship, then she still gets the money we can provide. I think that rather than look at it as punishing one child, it's allowing each child the ability to choose a school based on financial facts. If SD gets a work study program and uses less of our money, that's another way she could save our money for later. SS doesn't lose the money DH could afford to give him because he worked his butt off in HS. The scholarship (that he chose to accept) is his reward. If he had turned it down and gone to a pricier school, then things would be different.

My sister chose to attend a pricier school and has more loans. But that was her choice, as was mine to go to a less expensive school. There are a lot of factors.

I also think that being a twin is a big factor. That's someone your same age going through the same things. I would try to keep things very even with twins.

I agree with you 100% for the reasons that others have already mentioned. My boys are 7 and 13, and they learned early on that we would do what was best for each of them individually. They understand that they are unique individuals with different wants and needs, and have always been treated as such. I hope you and your husband are able to come to an agreement on this issue.

I think the important thing is the perception your kids have. I have no idea how different the amount of money my parents spent on our college education was. I went to a private school, but I had some scholarships. My sister went to a state school. What was important was that when we really needed help, they were there for us. I never thought about how much money they were giving me when they let my sister live with them rent-free for a year and a half. She needed the help. Fine by me.

As kids, we asked for more fairness, but we didn't add up how much money they spent. As long as it doesn't look UNFAIR, they didn't have to be completely equal. I think you can favor one kid over another every now and then as long as you're ready and willing to show the others you'd do the same for them when they needed you. Knowing your parents would be there for you means a lot in terms of fairness, even if they haven't had to bail you out yet.

For gifts, I know my parents tried to be equal, but we didn't keep track, because nothing looked unbalanced. My mom was also into keeping the number of presents close to equal too, and if she gave a big gift, she might buy some very small inexpensive things (and then go over only $10 or so) so that kid didn't open just one thing. They didn't have to BE equal--just look like they're not unequal. Perception on the part of the kids counts. Not exact pennies.

If kid B spent that much time in sports they should have the same scholarship opportunities as kid A. So that logic doesn't hold.

We paid everything for both our kids that have gone to college. We ended up spending around the same because our first wasn't an academic so he went to a state school. My second had tons of scholarships to all the universities she applied to. Thing is his tuition was 15 thousand a year where as our daughters were 42 thousand a year. With scholarships they came out the same. If my son would have wanted to go to the same school as my daughter we would have explained the wonderful world of student loans.

Yes each kid should have the same opportunities but they also create their own opportunities.

So I guess I agree with your husband in a way. There should not be a large difference between what you pay for each child. Your children should learn to live within their means. If you want to go to an expensive school then you better get good grades or dominate in sports. If not then you are going to have to go to a school that you can afford to go to.

I just want to add I am speaking just of college. To me my children must put something in to their education if they want something better than the rest. You cannot diminish the hard work of the one by giving more so they can have the same level of education. That teaches the kids there is no reason to work harder since you will get the same. Really when I look at this you are trying to give them the same where he is not. You want to reward the child who didn't work as hard.

Just an FYI the second, my girl was a scholar athlete, she received both academic and athletic scholarships so in my mind at least playing sports is no excuse for less than perfect grades but then I am a mean mom. :p

Still you look at the thousands I spent a year on my daughters sports, yup my son got around the same spent on him for things that appealed to him.

Meh, maybe I am equal it is just not always and in the same area, that would be silly.

I see what you mean. I think kids see value in the number of things received, rather than what they cost. But IMO, I still think it's important to try & be as equal as possible. It may not hafta be to the exact penny amount but again, if one kid gets something, ask the other if they want something too & go from there but I think you're on a good path in a way but do try to be equal w/them on some level. As for the scholarships, look into grants & other types of scholarships for your other child. They are out there, you just hafta look & ask the high school counselors if they can help find you some to apply for or even at the school that your kid wants to go to too! Good luck!

This is a very hard question, I think. It's good to take a look at how we handle our children in different situations. I have 3 grown children with 2 still in college. This is how we work: Christmas- same amt. (give or take a few $$). Birthday - they get a certain amt for each year so that is never the same but eventually evens out when 25 b/c we stop at there and it will go to the same amt. ie: if you're 16 you get $160 when 25 get $250. At 26 on will get $100. (this is provided we can still afford this!)

As for college, my dtr. went to a private college and after her scholarships, it cost us about $6500/semster. She finished in 4 years.
Oldest son (smartest) flunked first year of college $13000 down the tubes.
He had to come home and work and go to community college. (which he paid for). He has and want to pay for his education since. We help him if he doesn't quite have enough for a semester but he refuses to let us pay for his education. Our youngest is at a public 4 yr. university which costs about 3500/semster +books. We pay for all of his education. He will graduate after 5 years of school.

So, as you can see each child is different and so are the amts. we spent on each. It evens out as my dtr. paid for everything after college to get herself started. My oldest will and my youngest will take furniture from my home when they are getting started to help out or I will help them with it. My dtr. is fine with it b/c she KNOWS her education costs more.

BUT--- after all of this talk of money...the most important thing is that my children all feel very loved and taken care of and each one will tell you that they know that I love them all with all of my heart. They know that each one of them has my whole heart and that they are equal in my love and THAT is what really matters!!

Hope this helps!
KP

I understand where he's coming from. It's all he knows and it's what he was taught but we have to treat our kids very differently so that's all I've ever known. One is the model student and one is a hell raiser. How could I treat them the same? Discipline, rewards, what motivates them are all vastly different. Good luck-I understand both of your stances....

I think you are right on this one. My boys are not at the college level yet, but they are all different people with different abilities. So long as Kid B understands why he has to work just a little harder to pay for things that is fine. Kid A worked a little harder in a different area to pay for things.

All kids are different and should be treated as such.

I think that you have to do a little bit of both. I agree on the birthday money/present issue. To be fair you don't want to buy kid B tons of stuff and kid A not as much etc. On the college issue though I think you can agree with your husband and since kid B doesn't have as much money in scholarship, in order to be equal you will have to give that money to kid B. (See my logic?) I agree with you that depending on the situation in order to be fair you sometimes can't treat each child exactly the same because they are different people and have different needs. In order to meet those needs sometimes you have to handle things differently, but maybe if you agree with your husband and add up the amount of scholarship money kid A had and say so this is what we need to support kid B with right? Maybe he will get the point. Just a thought.

you know, you can take fairness & equality too far.....

I'm with you....different kids, different situations. Times change, $$values change.....& we have to adjust our perceptions to accommodate "life".

Here's my latest reality check: with our sons' 1st cars, we insist on them buying fairly safe, older cars. We also insist that they buy cars which my DH will be able to teach them to repair (shadetree stuff only....computer chips, sensors end up in the shop). Our older son's 1st car cost $700 - in 2002. Our younger son just bought his 1st car this summer for $1400. We had to look hard to find the $1400 car. The government's junker car cash-in program really hit the lower end of the used car inventory hard...making our job really challenging! It's a good thing that both sons wanted American muscle cars!

But if you look at the #s....then we paid twice the price for our younger son's car! Costs are higher.....9 years later. Yee-hah!

How far apart in age are your kids? Tution has gone up SOOO much in just a couple years - is he taking THAT into account? My parents gave my younger brother a 4 year education, I only went to a "trade" school and I paid for 1/2 of it. They went into debt to pay for his. When it was time for him to buy his first house, they gave him money for the down payment. They made sure I knew about it so that when it's time to settle their estate (they're still both alive and this was 20 years ago) Tim and I can do what's right at the time. I'm not into material things, and when I went to school, getting 4 years of accounting in 12 montths, I could still take the CPA exam. My brother is 4 years younger than I, he's an engineer. Yes, my folks tried to spend the same on us for gifts at Christmas and birthdays, but college is the rest of your LIFE!! BIG difference!!!

My son is almost 3 years older than my daughter. He is soooo low maintance and also in not into material things. She however is a different story. He's been going to community college (his choice), she wants to go out of state so she can play field hockey. She'll apply for every scholarship available, but it'll still be WAY more costly just because of plane tickets!! We'll probably even it out over the years - kinda keep track, but just because your husband and his twin got same same, doesn't mean that's what your kids need!!!! Talk to them - see what they think!!!!

Financially ... yes we do. Gifts are always within a few dollars of the same amount for each kid. If one kids asks for something expensive ... they get fewer gifts, we spend the same amount on each kid. If you ask for something that is $150 bucks and my budget is $200, then you'll get the expensive item and maybe one or two other things, and that's it. How is that wrong?

Same for college. My oldest son is going to the community college for the first two years because it's cheaper and he didn't get any scholarships, he tanked his senior year english class till the last minute so got kicked off the track team. That was his choice ... he chose to be an idiot and not do the work he needed and missed an opportunity for a scholarship, he had been scouted by a couple of colleges. His choice ... he has to live with the consequences. Those consequences include having to go to a cheaper school. How is that wrong?

My daughter, who will be a junior this fall, will probably get to pick any school she wants because of her grades. At this point her choice is an art college that costs a total of about $75,000 for a bachelors degree. She knows that if she wants to go to that school she better get a scholarship or she's going to have to pick a different school. However, I don't think that'll be a problem for her. She's more willing to put in the work to get what she really wants than her brother is. If she doesn't get scholarships she'll be going to the community college with the rest of us.

Personally ... I agree with your husband on these particular issues. Gifts and financial aid for college should be as equal as possible. If not you risk building resentment. BTDT ... my sister got a car for her 16th birthday, I got a bible, my sister got a big surprise party for her 18th birthday, I got a cake. It was hurtful and caused major relationship issues between me and my mom for a long time.

And the comparisons between being allowed to go to birthday parties and riding rides and such are just silly. Especially if there is a large age gap (same for the car thing one person mentioned ... at 16 they understand the word INFLATION ... or should anyway).

That way lies madness :) You just can't be exactly equal with kids when they aren't twins! You'll go completely nuts, and you'll have kids who are always looking over their shoulders to see if their sibling got more than they did. Life just isn't fair, and each of us and each child has individual needs and abilities.
Good luck with your spouse!

No, my kids are 6 years apart. My oldest has more responsibilities but yet more privileges also than my 2 year old.She has more pricey possessions but is expected to be more mature than my 2 year old. I will believe my oldests version of a story more likely than my youngest because my youngest can be a little fibber. My oldest however is a lot more sensitive, so we are more careful not to tease her like we can with my youngest who will tease right back with veracity!

I think most things should be based on age, maturity, quirks, aversions, likes...etc... and if i ever run across a problem like........

"MOmmy, how come sister gets to (fill in the blank)"

my answer is always

"because you get to(fill in the blank) and she doesnt"

I agree with the gift being equal amounts. not college or weddings. if you buy them a car or phone and they want different styles or makes you should give the same amount of money. college degrees cost different amounts depending on what they become. our parents were very equal and allowed they would pay half our college thinking it would make us appericiate college more. however it stopped me from going as i could not imagine how to keep up with book work and pay for college at the same time. my kids will go to college.