Does Step-parenting Get Easier?

Stop hating on the kid and things should get better. Plus he is a teenager, need I say more?

Updated

Stop hating on the kid and things should get better. Plus he is a teenager, need I say more?

I wish I had magic words to help you out. I went through it. I have been with my husband for 13 years. We used to have his kids every other weekend and every Tuesday and I remember dreading the weekends. I actually picked up a job that I worked every other weekend so I could be gone some of the time....it did get better. Then the oldest moved in when she was in 6th grade, then the younger moved in when she hit 6th grade. The oldest was more than a handful, but needed the guidance that we provided and her biomom wouldn't. However she left at 18 and I was beyond relieved!

I can't help but feel sorry for your step son after reading your post. It sounds like you hate him and I'm sure he senses that. He probably follows his Dad when he leaves b/c he's not comfortable being alone w/ you yet.

He's a teen, let's face it. We were probably pretty annoying when we were 14 too. Show him a ton of love, if he is trying to get on your nerves on purpose, it's probably b/c he knows you don't like him. If he feels loved, he won't want to annoy you. Now, your husband does need to remind him that he needs to always use his manners and say thank you.

I would suggest trying to get to know him, Do things with him like take him to pick out a movie for the family to watch together, talk to him. Try to build a relationship. That's the only way to make it work. Ignoring it will not fix it. Good luck!

He sounds like a pretty normal teenager actually. And even in intact homes, kids quite often prefer one parent over the other.

I think you need to toughen up a bit and just show him love. Forget about your feelings. That's what parents of teenagers have to do anyway. (I can't remember the last time I was thanked for making dinner. And I'm not getting stomach pains over it.)

Parenting teenagers is rough enough as it is. I imagine being from a broken home he's been through a lot. And if you hate being around him, I'm sure he can see that. Thank goodness he is connected to his dad.

Let me ask you something...is it possible you are having problems with your SS because you are jealous of the mom? You seem to be judging this boy a lot and finding fault where maybe there shouldn't be? I ask that you search your heart and your feelings about why these things bother you about this boy...when you look at him what do you see?

I have been a stepmom for 13+ years and I was barely 19 years old when I met my Stepsons...it was a difficult situation and I had a time in the beginning when I had to ask myself all these same questions...lots of things they did bothered me and I found fault in anything because after being very honest with myself I realized that every time I looked at the boys I only saw the ex and how she had raised them to be the way they were and how she had probably taught them to play that game like that or taught them they needed to do this like that or what have you (example only...do you see where I am going with this?) and knowing they came from her was hard for me...

I quickly realized I was being so very immature and just terrible to find fault where none should have been...as soon as I was aware of why and where these feelings were coming from things got so much better. I learned to put the past in the past and to embrace the future! I learned about my stepsons...there likes and dislikes and did my very best to make their time with Dad and I at our house the best it could be...and it has been wonderful ever since! I love my SSs very much and am proud to be their SM!

I suggest to you a new fresh start. The next time he comes over put all your feelings aside and try looking at him in an all new light...he is after all a part of your hubby, they share the same blood...I am sure he has many great qualitie you have yet to discover. Why don't you ask him what his favorite meal is and make it for him. Don't think about needing or wanting a 'thank you' and just do it because you want to do something nice for him...I have a feeling all will be ok, you'll see...

Just be yourself and try to enjoy your 'family time' because I guarantee you that bit doesn't last anywhere near long enough!

I am going to respond from the child's point of view because I had a step mother very much like you. We would seldom visit because she didn't want to share my dad, and when we did visit EVERY THING revolved around her-hence we got no one-on-one time with my dad. And in those formative years, it had a lasting impact on my life as well as my brother's life.

It is very hard to walk into a home where a step parent really doesn't like the kid and/or is jealous of the time the kid gets to spend with the dad(the fact that you complain about the kid being close to and following his dad is clear evidence that you are jealous of the time the kid spends with his dad). YOU need some counseling because YOU knew there was a kid involved when you married this man. Just because you got a ring doesn't mean the kid was going to stop being in your husbands life. Go ahead and speak to your husband, but you need to prepare yourself for his response which might be something you don't want to hear-like I enjoy being that close to my teenage son. So, let them have their time together because if you keep harboring this hatred for your SS you will drive a wedge in there and you may come out the loser.
As for not thanking you for dinner, really, you want to die on that hill....I was taught excellent manners and we didn't thank a parent for doing their job(now, as adults, we thank them if they buy dinner). And for the card game, sounds like normal kid behavior. Until you get your emotions under control every little thing that this kid does will rub you the wrong way(and that is not a environment that a kid should be exposed to, nor should he have to deal with since YOU are the adult).

It sounds like there's a lot going on here. This boy is 14 and his hormones are going crazy, and he's in a naturally rebellious stage of life. He is trying to bond with his father during visits - I think you should give them the space to do this. He talks about iPod games because that's his frame of reference and it's all he knows. You can act interested.

Most teens don't say thank you or appreciate the dinners we cook. It stinks but it's normal.

It's up to your husband to teach this boy manners and social skills. You can't do it, and you can't expect this boy to come into your home and appreciate you - you have his dad all the time, and he doesn't. It's up to your husband to show this boy how to treat women and how a good marriage is good for everyone. Your husband needs to teach him to behave during games. If he's just really exuberant, that's great! You are predisposed to dislike him because he irritates you.

I have no idea what things are like at his mother's home, but I know that the most powerful role model in his life is his dad. He is, quite naturally, wanting to spend time with Dad, and I think it's great that he wants to rather than wanting to be with his friends.

You need, for your sake as well as the boy's, back off a bit. Show him some interest and less tension. He's going to pick up on your vibes for sure and he no doubt knows you resent him. Teens sometimes play into that because it's a role they understand. Shifting from one household to another, with all the changes in personalities, rules, routines, opportunities, entertainment equipment and so on, is a huge deal for a kid.

All I can tell you is that my stepdaughter now looks back on all the things she "did" to me and is grateful that I stayed in her life. Her dad and I are the models for a lasting relationship, and she sees me for what wonderful things I did for him that her mom couldn't do.

Dinner - find out what he likes, and get your husband and him to help put it together. Make it as much THEIR project as them helping YOU. Or let them do it just the two of them, and then be effusive on how great it is, how hard they worked, how wonderful it is that they do stuff together, and so on. He'll learn how hard dinner is, and he'll learn how wonderful gratitude feels.

Just try to ride it out, but let your husband know that he will help his son navigate the world of high school and girls and jobs if he develops some social skills. Try to reduce your tension and your expectations - teens do this stuff a lot, and if he was your own child, you'd be saying "What did I do wrong? Why is he such an ingrate?" But this is not a child you raised, and he's had some upheaval. He needs even more love and acceptance. If you can accept HIM, you'll have more luck in being an influence on him. Your husband also needs to set SOME boundaries on what's absolutely not acceptable - not because it annoys you, but because it annoys anyone. Don't make this a battle between you and the kid. You'll lose.

Bite your tongue, give them some time together, and try not to get an ulcer. It gets better but you and your husband can help it along.

Some great advice already. I'm so sad to hear you "hate it so much". Your frustration is coming through loud and clear. I truly hope you all can work together to make it better for everyone, including yourself.

Might I suggest trying to look at it from your step-son's point of view? (Btw, seems to me like a good thing that a 14 yr old wants to spend time with dad and family - not all 14 yr olds do.) Not sure of the specifics, but imagine being a kid who only sees his dad every so often, and who has to contend with all the complications of having a step-parent (or two). Being in a blended family is so difficult for us as adults - I can't imagine what's it's like for our kids. Add adolescence and hormonal mayhem to the mix, and life is bound to be a challenge.

Do you have some support around you? Friends who are step-parents, a counselor or therapist or clergy member? You sound so incredibly overwhelmed and frustrated, seems like increasing your circle of support would help. You know what they say.......can't take care of the kids 'til you take care of yourself.

On behalf of moms and step-moms everywhere, (and *to* moms/dads and step-moms/dads everywhere), thanks for making dinner. :-) Have you considered asking your step-son to help you plan/shop/cook for a meal with you? Make it into a fun family activity? Just a suggestion, as it sounds like making dinner might be a point of contention for you.

Not sure if you really live in Beverly Hills........if so, I can't imagine a place/lifestyle more different from mine. But still, I wish every step-parent could experience the sheer joy (in amongst the more hellish aspects - and believe me, I've been there) that I've experienced in being a step-mom. For me, even though it was rough at times, it's been an awesome ride. I know all of our experiences are different, but I hope you can feel that way one day, too.

Best of luck.

I used to love it, started to dread it, now I go through cycles of hating it and being able to deal with it. My best advice is to give them time to do things alone together. It feels like a selfish thing to do at first because you're avoiding the child, but it's actually good for the child and your husband to have that bonding time.
It sounds like he is starving for his father's attention - so just give it to him. In a couple of years he will be at the age where he doesn't want anything to do with his parents for awhile, so it's best that they have this bonding time now.
I know it makes you feel like an outsider in your own home, that's why I suggest filling the time up with other things. Take a class, start a hobby, shop/lunch with friends... I could think of a million things I would love to do on a weekend! :)

Ok, take a deep breath here and repeat to yourself " *I* am the grown up! I am the grown up!"

I am a divorced mom with a 10 year old son. I am remarried, his dad has remarried and is expecting a baby in March, so I do know what you're talking about.

But- just like dealing with a toddler, the main issue is that if the kid makes you lose your cool- then the KID HAS WON. Your job, your purpose, is to be the grown up. It isn't always the most fun, but that is what you signed on for.

There is nothing more annoying than a bratty or whiny kid. But- WHY is he acting that way? From what you describe, he seems to really need more attention from his dad. I am not saying your husband isn't giving him attention- but for whatever reason, this child needs something more.

You don't say how recently your marriage happened. This could be a HUGE adjustment for a kid- and 14 year old boys are already dealing with a TON of stuff, puberty, hormones, etc. It is a time when a boy really can use advice and time with his dad.

If you were really 'hating every minute of it' do you think the kid didn't know that? How do you think that made him feel? Welcome and loved in his father's home- or like he was only there on sufferance, because you HAD to have him there. Which do you think is more likely to make him feel calm and confident about where he fits in with this new life?

Boys that age can just be nutsy- even ones who are normally mature and calm- they have these moments where they just freak out, etc and act goofy. It is part of growing up. So is acting out for attention, especially if he feels he isn't getting enough from his dad.

So- what are YOU going to do about this? You cannot control other people's behavior- not his mom's, not the kid's, not your husband's. But you can open up the lines of communication, set up some ground rules and try to be part of the solution and not the problem! Here's what I would do:

1)Talk to your husband about how you feel. Work out how time will be spent when your stepson is there. How often is he there? Does he honestly need more time with his dad right now? Don't be selfish- be the grownup!! Work out with your husband how time will break down on weekends his son is there. I would make sure that they have at least one afternoon ALL to themselves- golfing, going shopping, fishing- whatever they are into. You want to get along with him, but this is supposed to be time with his DAD.

2)Figure out some ground rules with your husband. What really is bugging you that you feel is a big enough issue NOT to just let go? I have to tell you, 14 year olds are going to talk about video games- but if you insist, say that you don't want to talk about them at the table. Come up with some other topics that you will all discuss instead. The key thing here is :put out the big fires and step over the small ones. Only deal with the things you really cannot stand. If it is little stuff, just let it go, at least for now.

3) This is a big one: If you have ANY kind of polite relationship with the mom, ask to meet her for coffee. Meet up with her in a neutral place, like a Starbucks, without the son present. Explain to her that you felt like things were a little awkward when Joey was over last weekend and you really want things to go smoothly for him at both households. If you are SINCERE, most ex's, however hostile, should appreciate that you are just trying to make things better for their child.

Ask her what her 'house rules' are about video games, bedtimes, mealtimes, whatever. I am not saying those need to be YOUR rules, but knowing what the kid is used to can only help- if she lets him swing off of the ceiling during meals, no surprise he doesn't know better, right? Knowledge is power!

Ask her if there is anything going on at school, with sports, etc. that she thinks you should know. This communication can only HELP you. Even if she is frosty- all you have to do is be polite.

You are not forming a life-long friendship with this woman- but you will have a lifelong RELATIONSHIP with her and her son. You asked above if you will have to 'endure' this forever- unless you take steps to make things better, then YES, you will be ENDURING. But if you put in some effort now, you will be able to make EVERYONE'S time together much more pleasant and productive.

4) Last but not least, you and your husband need to have a 'family meeting' with his son. Talk to him about how you want him to fit into this household and know that you are his family too. Go over any hard and fast rules you have decided on and let him know that these are serious for you and that is how things are at your house. (you MUST make sure your husband is on the same page with you here beforehand, ok? You guys have to present a united front, or the kid will see the gap and take advantage of it)

Maybe card games are not the best way for this hyper kid to spend family time with you. Maybe a walk after dinner or a family trip to the basketball court would help him to burn off some energy. I would also make sure he has some regular chores when he is with you- cleaning up his room , clearing the dinner table, etc. Keep it normal- he is not on vacation with you,he is HOME.

Your frustration is totally clear. But understand WHY this kid is acting like this and remember he is a KID. If you take action to be the grown up and act like one, you will forge a better relationship with your stepson. He doesn't really know you- have you earned his respect and affection? It's a two way street- he needs to earn yours too! But you have to take the first step. Your husband will thank his lucky stars that he has such a supportive and understanding partner. You may be his wife- but his son will ALWAYS be his son. You all need to work together to make this a happy family!! Good luck!

A lot of the moms are right. I have 4 step-kids who have each lived with us at some point. I have 3 step-mom rules and I follow them 100% of the time even when I want to poke my own eyeballs out!!
1. I don't discipline. EVER...
2. I wouldn't allow my son to make messes and be rude but these are not my kids. If they make a mess it's hubby's job. My hubby got a housekeeper in about 2 minutes! If I'm not 'allowed' to treat them like I'd treat my own then he has to pick up the slack.
3. Get over it! It will get better but if you're trying too hard to keep control of your household you'll make yourself nuts! Each time your stepson does something that makes you angry think about the situation in the long term. Will this incident have a big impact over 6 months?
Your husband is partly to blame because he's loving the attention. Moms have a very tight bond with their kids that dads have to really work at. Your husband is probably getting more attention ( = love) than he's ever gotten from his son and he doesn't want that feeling to go away. You stepson being impolite intentionally is a way for him to show his resentment of ANY woman who takes dads attention not YOU personally. Many children of divorce feel they didn't do something right so they overcompensate or feel like they are betraying their mother if they accept you. And as a couple of the other moms said....he's a teenager! That really is a big factor. 3 of my stepsons are grown now and are nice normal people. Just treat him like you would if he was a neighbor kid visiting and leave the rest to dad!

Combining families always has some growing pains. It sounds like you do not have any biological children, so you were thrust into parenting a ready made family with a teen? Perhaps I interpreted incorrectly, but that's what it looks like. Teens can be very challenging, but they are still children. You are an adult. It is not a competition, and you cannot expect the child to act as an adult. Parenthood is a challenging experience and when you don't get to build up to it gradually from birth, it can be difficult to find your ground.

Focus on getting to know the boy. Focus on the positive. Children are people too. Find some common ground and focus on it. Give it a chance, it takes time. It sounds like he may be uncomfortable too and is trying to find his ground.

I also recomend you find some books on parenting with Teens. Also talk to your husband and ask him how best to build a relationship with your stepson. Not how to 'deal' with him, but how to get to know him and be a support to the family.

Best of luck to you. Take a step back and breath. Put yourself in your stepson's shoes for a minute and then think of a common goal.

Sounds like you a not happy w/ your step-son but I don't think it has anything to do with being a step-parent other than that he is only there sometimes. That is why he "follows" his dad....that and I bet he has also picked up on your frustration with him.

As for saying "thank you", it is probably not something he says to his mom either. His dad should remind him of the manners that the two of you expect when in your home. As for his proximity to your hubby, if his dad does not feel he is invading his personal space you should let that be....it is his personal space and his son.

Teenagers can be rather goofy. Did he spoil the game for everyone or just you. It would not be inappropriate to ask him to tone it down but really, what was he hurting??

Just leave it alone. And - I hope it gets easier, as I'm in the same boat as you.

No you can not ignore it, you have to adress it with your husband and be on the same page with your son respecting you and your husband. When he ignores and disrespect you allow your husband to understand he is disrespecting him as well. Talk to your husband!

Have you discussed your feelings with your husband? Being a step-parent is a difficult job, and I highly recommend you look into some written material (books..etc.,) to help you. Your situation can get better but it can also get worse depending on how you handle it. I know from experience that (especially boys) a parent may not realize their childs feelings and/or suffering from their parents splitting up. This boy may be in so need of his dad that when he sees him he just clings, and it is very important that his dad spend quality time when he has him, talks with him, sits next to him, etc. You might ask your husband to help teach him manners, like saying thank you after a meal and/or not screaming in doors. It's tough as your husband may not want to spend his time correcting him all the time but....kids need and strive for discipline and opportunities to learn what's right. You can tell hm to settle down while playing a game; "I love seeing you having so much fun, but please try to stay in your seat & settle down a bit". The next time you could be a bit more firm. If you show him love at the same time teach him discipline and/or your rules he will learn to respect you but it does take time - especially when you are working with an older child. Whatever you do, make sure you aren't dealing with any feelings of jealousy or animosity because your time with your husband is different when his son is there. You get one chance to raise a child and because there is a divorce that child should not suffer from his parents decision to separate. He went from having a full time dad (hopefully) to only seeing him on visits. You might try some things that can help you build your relationship. Ask him if the next time he visits if he'd like to make his favorite cookies or make a pizza at home and help you. Since you are married to his Dad I would think by now you know some of his interests so maybe you can plan a few things that involve you a little bit more. The more times the two of you share together, the stronger your relationship will be (if you are open to having a relationship with him), and the easier it will be for him to accept discipline from you where maybe he isn't being discipline or taught anything from his mom. There is so much here that I could write about....but, I will stop - just make sure you seek some outside help & be very careful how you handle this situation. Be sure you observe other 14 year olds also. Good Luck & God Bless!!

Are you newly married? It sounds as if you are. I would suggest to you a few things-
1.Buy the book "The Enlightened Stepmother." It really has some great ideas.
2. The dinner thing-he is probably jealous of you, and you of him. I recall a time, one my stepson (when he was in his teens)said "PLease excuse me, I have toget to take a s*it now", at the dinner table. I was horrified, I said that is way too much information at the dinner table. Of course, the week before, I mentioned that they didn't excuse themselves, so he did say excuse me. This is teenage behaviour that his dad needs to nip in the bud.
You need to talk to his dad.
3. Being a stepmom is hard. Harder than being a mom. You walk on eggshells--running a household and then having to be perfect in front of them. And they are not your kids.
4. Encourage your husband to have an afternoon or a dinner alone (without you) with his son. It sounds as if his son needs some time alone with dad. And I have found that when my skids were acting out, when they had some time alone withhim, they seemed happier. Remember, they are victims of a divorce. They feel threatened by you.
5. I would not meet the ex for coffee. I think if you give her a call to talk to her about her kid that is sufficent. Boundaries are important and sometimes
one person's motives for meeting the new wife for coffee could be a little eskew. Feel free to pm ifyou would like.

I guess you have to put yourself in the boys shoes. The amount of time he spends with his best male role model is so short. He probably looks forward to seeing dad all week. Honestly, it does not matter if you are there or not. Your husband has the whole week to give you his attention and only 48 hours to spend with the boy, who frankly needs dad's love more than you do. Why not just leave? Have a meal with them and then say "I have a few things I need to do out of the house, you boys have fun" and just let them spend their time together. Or suggest that they go camping or something. The boy and his dad are a package deal, you knew that, right? Pretty soon (a couple of years) He will be so involved in his school and friend activities that he probably won't have much time to spend at your house, but right now he NEEDS the influence of his father. If you can't handle it, then get outta there and let them have time together.

Not really. I have been doing this for three years now, with kids that spend most of their time with their mom and only come to visit on weekends/every other weekend. The kids think they are on holiday when they are over and do not need to do anything, like clean up after themselves. They are 13 and 8 and are perfectly capable of doing that, but everything is a struggle with them. They think they can do whatever they want and behave how they want.

Especially as they get older it will get tougher. They are teenagers and feel awkward and jealous and like they do not belong, etc. All the usual teenage upheaval in them is amplified in the 'step home'.

All I can tell you is do not blame yourself or feel like you need to fix it or are a bad step mom for having a horrible time. You will get past all this. It will end. As they get older, they will want to spend more time with their friends doing their own things and then when they are adults they will come around again and things will hopefully be more pleasant.

Just know that there are stepmoms just like you out there, who dread it at times to have the kids over. Try to make the best of it and support your spouse - he needs to spend time with his kids :-)

I am step-mom to two kids and my husband and I have two kids together. I imagine it might be difficult for your stepson if you have a child(ren) with his dad, he might feel like he's being replaced by them (or you) and needs to assert himself so he's not "forgotten". I would be sensitive and give him attention or maybe his dad can spend time with him alone so he feels he's getting the attention he needs.
Also, it sounds like he may need to learn some social graces. Perhaps this would be better received coming from his dad.
I had step-moms growing up so I remember how it felt and I try to be sensitive to my step kids. so far, we've always had a pretty good relationship with each other.
Good luck!

Hello, I wouldn't hurt to ask him to calm down when he is being so loud during the game. However, it sounds like you are the one with the problem here. He is coming to bond with his dad. Of course he would follow him everywhere. I have a grandson who is 14 and he HATES going to visit his father. He wants nothing more than to be able to bond with this man. However, when he visits, his dad is not around much and he spends time with the step-mom who visibly hates him. I must say that this is a boy who is loved by everyone. He is articulate, kind, handsome, smart and very good at sports. He is in excelled classes and gets mostly A's and has NEVER been in trouble. He has a wonderful step-father who treats him like a son. Let him have his father when he is there. If you continue to have these feeling about him, it will only rub your husband wrong. Think of how it would be for your own children to go to visit their father and have someone who doesn't like them be responsible for part of their lives. He is important to your husband, therefore you should at least try to like him if you can't love him. Diane B. had some very good ideas.
Good luck.
K. K.

My advice is to take a chill pill. This doesn't sound that bad. Get a reality check and look at some other stepmom posts; this behavior is pretty tame. Talk to your hubby about his kid saying please and thank you, but other than that this doesn't sound too bad. I know adults that are noisy while playing card games, and I'm guessing the boy doesn't see his father very much, so it's natural that he'd want to be near him when he DOES get to see his dad. I'm a stepkid, and my stepmom was really cool about me spending time with my dad and is actually a lot nice to me than my mom is so I know not all stepmoms get aggravated by their stepkids. Remember that his son was there before you and that your husband and his child are a package deal. Ask yourself if his behaviors are any worse than what you would put up with if it were your own child. Even if it is something you wouldn't put up with, you have to discuss it with your hubby and the discipline must come from him because, unless you legally adopt the child, you don't really have the right to discipline.

When I met my husband over 20 yrs ago, his daughter was 5, her name is Rebecca. We got married when she was 7 and she lived with us, but through the years, she would stay with her Mom for a bit, then us, etc. It was a huge struggle at first. I went from being her weekend buddy, to a full time Mom, imposing rules, etc. We had 3 children starting when Rebecca was 10. They are now 17, 14, & 12. The behavior you are describing is very typical for a boy this age. But ti does get better! Rebecca is set to give birth to our first grand child in November. She has been such a blessing to me, an angelic child, full of wisdom and love. Although she is my step-daughter, I refer to her as my daughter. I love her with every fiber of my being. She simply tells folks, "I have two moms." Her mom and I are friends, she is and has always been very supportive.