Does Your Spouse Do Everything with You?

You know, I think everyone settle into THEIR "normal." There are ups and downs to both sides.

My normal? Lord! I kind of have to laugh at the husbands walking dutifully along side the grocery carts,

Or worse--sitting in the "fashion consultant" chair outside the dressing rooms....I mean, I think I know what clothes I like and what looks good on me!

I do think older couples are more like this, maybe as O. can't/won't drive, etc.....

I think it is great,I remember my Grand parents living this way.
I remember my grandma washing dishes and my grandpa bless his heart was right beside her drying and taking care of the plates.
Its too bad all family values have gone down the drain. These old folks done everything together .He took care of her after she went blind. She did what she could have but it was true Love.
I think if more young people learned this there wouldn't be as many diviorces.
But it is way too hard these days the way life stile is so we live the way we have to.its a shame...But values start at home ...But yes everyone needs time for them selfs and hang with others or time with a book.

Sometimes I see people like that at the grocery store... my husband and I do lots together, but not ever grocery shop or other errands that are better done alone. What a waste of time...

Plus - I need time away. My time. So does he.

We have a healthy strong marriage, and I would be lost without him, but not because I spend every waking second together.

My husband and I are pretty much always together too. He works and I stay at home, but at night after the kids are in bed we sit on the couch together and watch tv. If he's watching something i don't really care for, I'll just read a book. I would never go into another room to watch tv and we don't even go to bed without the other. We love being together and we are still as cheesy as the first month of dating! We do have things that we'll do alone, he goes running in the mornings on the weekends or will have the occasional guys night out. I'll have a girls night out or breakfast with some friends, but for the most part it is always just the two of us and our kids.

Hi M.-

I think the kind of marriage you describe may be a generational thing. My gram and gramps were married nearly 50 years. They ran a business together...and when they retired, they did EVERYTHING together as well. My gram never learned to drive, so he took her everywhere.

When gramps died, I was afraid my gram would die shortly thereafter too. I knew she was going to be OK though one day in the market. She was standing there pondering the meat section. I asked her what was wrong...and she said, "I'm going to buy a pork roast. Your grandfather never liked pork roast." lol

Shortly thereafter I taught her to drive. She traded in their HUGE cadillac for a chevy chevette. She learned to hook rugs, and joined a group called 'happy hookers'...she took up yoga and joined a ladies golf group.

I NEVER would have imagined, but she had a whole 'other' life after he died. I know she missed him terribly, but she lived another 17 years...and was very independent.

Best Luck!
michele/cat

What I wouldnt' do for a man who would want ot spend time with me.
When mine has the time off, like this weekend, he is outside doing anything away from me, or fishing.
THey were best friends. THey were both "quality time people". Obviously they loved each other dearly. THat's more than I can say for a lot of marriages.
Sometimes one can only imagine what that might feel like.

Being with another person 24/7/365 wouild have driven me crazy, no matter how much I loved him. Khalil Gibran wrote "Let there be spaces in your togetherness."
I have to have time to myself or I can't function.

OMG one of us would not be walking the face of the earth if we spent every
waking moment together. Oh how I love him, but he talks and talks and talks. Keep in mind when we met, he was so quiet, never said much. He
said, I brought him out of his shell!!! I do my thing with my friends, he has
his friends at the firehouse and then we do plenty together. I need my space. For some reason men do not. Who the heck knows why! We have
been married for 37 years and have four kids and 7 grandkids with two more on the way. I cannot imagine life without him. Just not healthy to spend 24/7 together. I know if, God forbid, something happened to him I could make it on my own.

PS He is a retired NYC Police Officer who worked around the clock so I had to be independent and function on my own. If you are not independent,
you cannot marry a police officer or firefighter. You never know if they will
come home at night. Sad to say.

Sounds a little codependent to me, honestly. To not be able to do anything solo doesn't seem very healthy, IMO. I love my DH, my I don't feel the need to be with him 24/7 & feel that I would go crazy if I did so. I like my alone time, my friend time, my time with my mom, and DD. It's good to be independent & pursue your own interests outside of your marriage. My opinion is that we see each other plenty, I mean, we live together, so I don't feel the need to do all of that together. Does he really need to tampon, bra & hair removal shopping with me? Not!!!

I could not stand living somone else's life, I must have my own identity. While I do have a sparkleing personality while in the company of people I can only recharge to have that sparkle after being alone and doing my OWN thing. If I were to spend every waking moment with my man one of us would end up dead in a matter of hours.

Gosh no.. That would drive me insane..

We are a couple, but we are also individuals.

We have some different interests and I think that is good.

I encourage him to go out with friends.. you know men.. they have to be prodded but I have never known any other man to say no to my husbands request to go to the boat show, hardware store, etc.

I sometimes ask my husband to join me at things, I am sure he is not really into, but I think I would like him to be there, but I do not get upset if he declines.

I guess if it works for some couples that is fine.. but that would not be god for our marriage.

My husband is my best friend. I don't really have any close girlfriends, however, I do have interests that go beyond my relationship with my husband. We do not work at the same place so I don't see him for upwards of nine hours a day. When he is home we are usually together but I do like to read, which is a usually a solitary adventure, as well as putz about on the computer or watch tv shows that may or may not be within the realm of my husbands tolerance levels.

But, he is my go-to person for doing anything outside the home. I like spending time with him so I try and include him in mundane tasks such as shopping or other errands because having him there to talk to is 100% better than not having him there.

No. My husband and I do not do everything together.

My parents - who have been married for 54 years do many things together. But NOT EVERYTHING.

I think I would go nuts if I didn't have "ME" time. I know how hard it was on my parents when my Dad retired. My mom having my dad under her feet all the time!! :) It took them a couple of years to get back in "sync"...they do go grocery shopping together...it's cute.

Now? They really can't leave my 96 year old grandmother alone so she has to go EVERYWHERE with them. Hospice is coming in 2x a week - I've told them to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! while the nurse is there.

I do believe that doing things together is important. However, NOT everything. You still need to be YOU.

My husband's grandparents are like this. They're in their 80s. I have never seen them apart. When grandpa was in the hospital and it looked like he was going to die, word got around that grandma was planning her suicide. !!!

As for me and my hubs, NO we don't do everything together. In fact, I prefer NOT to do shopping with him. We have gatherings together at the house. We may go to dinner or to a friend's house together. But today, for example, he's gone to do some work. I am going to Home Depot and the grocery store. Tomorrow (memorial day) we'll be together at the house.

As for your friend, how about y'all get on a rotating schedule where y'all call her every day at __pm. We do that for my grandma. She's 93 years old and lives alone out in the country. My uncle calls her EVERY morning at 7am. My mom calls her EVERY evening at 5pm. If she doesn't answer after an hour or so, they call the neighbor 1/4 mile away and he goes over to check on her.

my sister & her husband have a relationship similar. My sister has to bring her husband everywhere with her. Rarely goes anywhere without him.

I don't know how they can do it, but they are appart during the day because they both work.

Just seems weird to me. I like to get out by myself without the hubby once in awhile.

I function, feel, and do better away from my husband. We actually take trips away from each other for a few days, every year. I was married previous, and that man clung to me like a bad smell. Cloying, I hated it. My current husband and I both were in our 30's and quite independent before meeting. I think someone hit the nail on the head, when they said its generational. The woman got married because she HAD to in order to survive. It became like breathing for her to be with husband. It also has to do with personalities. Maybe he or she, had a controlling and dominating personality and thats why.

Maybe it's just because I have young kids, but alone time with my husband is a rarity. We do get some time to ourselves after the kids go to bed, but the only way we could run any errand together is if we brought the kids with us!

I do think it's important to keep a balance. My husband has his own interests. Right now it's a little harder for me to have too many of my own, as I am the SAH parent. But you need to have enough time together in order to have a good relationship.

I guess each couple finds the balance in their own way.

I'm a little like Czechma, though. My husband loves to work in his "shop." Sometimes I have to remind him that spending time with us is important. He is a wonderful husband and father, but sometimes he gets into a project and forgets that we need his attention, too.

We've been married for 20 years. I LOVE my husband - really, he's a gem 99.9% of the time. We like to do things together, however, we don't do everything together. I like to shop alone, he hates to shop. We each have people we spend time with apart from the other.

I can't understand what keeps things interesting when you spend every waking moment together. Part of our relationship I find fun is when one of us has had an experience (new restaurant, movie, coffee with a friend) and we return home and tell the other about it. What do you talk about when you experience everything together????

oh, what a chill that strikes into my heart!
i adore my dh, i really do. he is a funny, nice, interesting, handsome, wonderful person. with the last of our kids moving out this summer, i'm angsty but also excited about us moving into this next chapter together. we have fun.
but i just could not be attached at the hip to ANYBODY. i am such a lone wolf. i require lots and lots and lots of solitary time. plus i have a lot of my own interests that my husband doesn't share (he doesn't have quite so many, which seems to be pretty common!)
i'd go stark raving bonkers if he wanted to be with me every minute.
when he retires, he's going to have to go do habitat for humanity or play golf or something. i want to see him every day. but not all day every day!
khairete
S.

We did more together before we had children. We worked at separate jobs but had the same working hours...out of college we only had one car and carpooled to work...he dropped me off and then picked me up (unless I had client meetings out of the office then I dropped him off)...we both worked downtown and he had free parking and I didn't. It didn't make sense to buy another car when one worked fine.

I got another job not downtown...and so we bought a second car.

After work and on weekends we ran errands together, house work together, etc etc.

Then came the kids...I stayed at home and all the running around together stopped. Errands usually done on weekends, I ran during the week. I made mommy friends that he didn't know (before kids we ran around with other couples from college that also didn't have kids).

I think we are more independent now because life took a turn in that direction. I hope we can go back to the type of togetherness we had before kids after the kids leave home.

I guess with us we have had seasons of togetherness and independence...I will say I enjoyed the time doing things together, a lot.

Both can be healthy. But I've noticed that the ones that do everything together have very special marriages rather than dysfunctional ones. Though all good things can be done in the extreme. I have an aunt and uncle who will not separate for anything (but its not mutual, its that the aunt is a damaged individual and will make his life hell if they aren't attached at the hip). Their son lives on the same property and says his mother made her husband hook a trailer up to the lawn mower tractor so she could sit on a lawn chair in the trailer while he mowed the property. True story.
I tend to want to divide and conquer, my husband likes to do everything together. It drives me crazy sometimes. Instead of him unloading the dishwasher and me putting away food, he wants to hand me dishes so that we both do the dishwasher together, ahhhhhhh! His mother always washed cars and things with his dad and every task was done together. It makes him feel loved and it drives me bonkers. He sees it as team work, I see it as him dictating my actions and using me as his assistant. Our parents modeled these two different styles, and we both tend to want to do it the way we saw our parents do it. We have both had to adjust.
My husband deals with a lot of end of life issues. He as a a mobile business that sees medicare patients in assisted living, skilled nursing, and home bound patients on hospice. It is very common for people who were married for a long time to die within a year of one another. They just don't feel complete without their spouses and give up their will to live.

We do run our company together from home so we work together a lot. We have separate offices in the house though.

I am my own person and can't stand for someone shadowing me or hanging over me all the time. Same for hubby.

Yes we have different interests that we pursue on personal time, etc but when it comes to our company, we are spot on with each other.

My husband and I do not do everything together. We have things we like to do together, but he also has his interestes and I have mine. We don't shop together. I think I would go crazy if I didn't get my own time.

I would totally agree that it is probably more of a generational thing. Back in the day, many women got married right out of high school and didn't necessarily pursue college, or a career, or a life of their own - and probably felt more secure with their husbands around, and in some instances, depended on them to drive, earn a paycheck, make major decisions, etc. Nowadays, women are much more independent and tend to marry later in life, after they've had a life on their own, with their own interests - same for men. My husband and I do some things together, we do have date nights and sometimes go to places like Lowe's together if it involves making a decision about a home improvement project, or meeting with our financial adviser regarding our investments. But then it is more about us working together as a team. But he likes going out sometimes at night with the guys, and sometimes I make plans with my girlfriend's, and it's more helpful usually if one of us is able to be home with our daughter while the other one grocery shops, runs errands, etc. We watch TV together at night to relax but sometimes what he has on I have no interest in, so I might be reading, on the computer, etc. Personally, if he were attached to my hip 24/7, I would go crazy! Too stifling for me!

My husband and I are pretty much like that.lol. We usually go everywhere together and with are 3 kids. My sister and mother at times would want me to go off and shop or go to the casions but most of the time I wouldn't. I'm more of a stay at home person. Like being in my comfort zone. Now,every now and then, I will take off with my mother to just eat lunch and shop for about a hour to destressed from being at home with 3 kids all day.(thats about every other month, when i need a break.lol.)

My husband makes his "guys" trips usually to a football game/basketball games with friends. That usually about 2x or 3x times a year. I babysit our children to give him a break as he does for me when i go off with my mom.We do alot of shopping,running errands together but sometimes I will ran in or he will that way were not dragging 3 kids into a store. There are times were I would take all the kids to baseball games or a park b/c my husband had to work. We are close but we don't do everything together. I guess we like being together alot in ways. ;) It works for us that way!!

I would rather do vacations, travelling, and family times together with hubby than work, and do all chores together! :)

We do grocery shopping together, and sometimes am cooking while he vacuums, we keep checking on the other, talk in between, etc...does all this count as 'doing everything together'?

Both of my sisters are like that and it drives me MAD. They will go solo sometimes, but it just makes me so crazy.

I, on the other hand, do what I want. For instance, I'm typing this from my hotel room in Williamsburg. Today, I have taken my kids to Colonial Williamsburg and Water Country USA all without hubby. He is on his way here after playing softball today. Does that also make me mad sometimes? Sure. But not as mad as I'd be to have him around 24-7. THAT would make me nuts.

It's one of those many "to each his own" things. Lots of couple are attached at hip. Lots aren't. I never have been. Statements like, "Oh no my husband wants to go to a concert I hate, I can't believe I'm going to see..." always confuse me because I can't fathom being in a relationship where you do EVERYTHING together and don't just say, "Have fun at the terrible concert honey, see you later". :) But I have lots of friends like that, and they like it, so it works for them. The best are the ones where you invite them to do somehting, and then you get that anxious unspoken look while they mentally calculate "but what about my significant other". I always milk that moment a minute before putting in "And of course your better half is welcome too". Or the ones who say, "Hey, So and So is doing something Saturday, so I can do that with you!" (like, why the hell does it matter what the other one is doing before you can do something?) So funny!

My step grandma just lost her Siamese twin husband of 60 years. She's doing OK. That can hurt just as much for more independent couples too. You can't go against your nature and be "less attached" just because one spouse may die one day. you have to live life how you wish, and that's how lots of people like it.

DH and I work together. But outside of work we have to "divide and conquer" to get all our other life tasks done. I take primary responsibility for the house and for taking our son to activities as well as managing the shopping and gardening. DH does the the lawn, does most of the construction work on our new house, and a multitude of other tasks. We combine efforts when ever 2 people is better than 1. We try to do at least 1 family activity together each weekend and we hang out together in the evenings. Frequently we have to vacation separately because of our small business.

I would go crazy if we were joined at the hip. But I do really enjoy our days where we are working on the same tasks.

My mom and stepdad are like this. He is the one falling asleep in a chair outside the fitting room, clearly not having fun. I don't know why he doesn't just stay home LOL I also don't get husbands coming to the grocery store. Either they have no say or they fill the cart with chips and dip.

If my hubby didn't have to work we'd do a lot together. We're best friends and truly just enjoy experiencing things together. But we do need time apart or we get bored. Now that he's back to work we have more to talk about. But when I'm doing my SAHM thing I still miss him experiencing things with him. Also, even if we're in the same room we're not doing the same thing. We have very different interests and hobbies. We have always recognized that it's important to spend time with just the boys or just the girls. So every few months he goes to a buddies place for a nice of drinking and BSing. And every now and then I go out for a afternoon with a girlfriend. It's amazing how recharging those activities are!

We have some good balance in our relationship, where we have our own interests that keep each of us happy. My husband enjoys playing online D&D type games-- totally not my cup of tea. My bliss is when we split up downtown and I can get an hour at the library alone while he's got Kiddo. I like gardening a lot more than he does, and we both have our own friends as well as couples/others we see as a pair.

In my opinion, if a couple wants to be joined at the hip and they like it-- that's great for them. I like a little more time to myself.

We never know the things that bind people together...sometimes personal struggles (or triumphs) connect you in a way others can't understand. My husband and I are best friends, mostly bc we have a history of pain and perseverance together. We prefer to be together rather than apart, but on the other hand, we both work full time, pretty crazy hours, and so when we get the chance to be together, we are. We do have space in our relationship and get out alone when we need to, but overall we prefer each other's company, help each other around the house and go to bed at the same time - most nights. My heart breaks for the woman who lost her dh...that couldn't be easy, no matter what the relationship was like. =(

To each their own. They may be very best friends and just truly ENJOY each others company that much! Grief is a hard process no matter how they lived their lives, and she'll just need support, patience, and love. My MIL lost her short term memory and kept looking at the chair where her husband used to sit next to her and be like "Where's V?" She couldn't remember he'd just passed away. They had to put a little note on his chair that told her he was dead. It hurt us so bad to see her go through that news, like it was the first time, like 6 or 7 times a day everyday for awhile. But now she remembers and understands, and she's ok. She's worked through it. It does take time---for everyone.
My great aunt and uncle were together all the time. Not because they were codependent at all, actually, but because they LOVED it. They would laugh, joke, act like total goofballs, they found romance in the simplest (dumbest) things in life and could just swoon over eggplant in the produce aisle or whatever. It was a little weird, but not wrong. They had fun. They were happy. He died and she grieved hard because yeah, they did everything together and she said she felt like she lost her "shadow". But she did get on with life. We visited her a lot, and she ended up moving in with her daughter, and living a normal "old lady" life. Don't be judgmental. They were happy with how they did things.
As for us 2: we do most of our "fun stuff" together. Both of us very rarely go out for fun without the other IF he's home from work. I do go do girl stuff with friends, but most of it is with friends in the daytime. We like to go on dates, and just enjoy the simple things like walking around enjoying a pretty day or whatever. But the normal stuff like shopping, errands, or working are separate. The last time we went shopping TOGETHER (not counting browsing on vacation) was probably 6 years ago, when he took me to buy "good" shoes while I was pregnant. He didn't trust me to not buy something cheap, and he wanted to make sure I was cared for. I guess I consider shopping and errands my "job" since I'm a sahm so that is done during the weekdays, and he's not around because he's doing HIS job. OR I'll go on a Saturday (when it's not tourist season with crazy busy stores on weekends) if I want a break to just be by myself.

No, my husband and I are not like that. We're married almost 22 years. Sometimes I wish that there was more that we did together. We definitely do our own thing. Honestly, if we spent that much time together, the things that need to be done would never get done, as busy working parents with a 13 year old Boy Scout and a 17 year old who is touring colleges, being taught to drive, being taken to ACT prep, etc. We often spend our time with one of us taking one kid where they need to be and the other kid where they need to be. I go out with friends and away for the weekend with the sisters occasionally and he has his old work friends who he meets for dinner and goes off to his environmental group meetings and events. Why would I take him food shopping with me when he can be home doing the laundry during the same time?

Could be that those who cannot disconnect from each other have an insecurity about being alone that the other fulfills. There's nothing wrong, essentially, with that. Except that as in your friend's sister's case, they're suddenly lost w/out the other. I mean did they not ever consider the fact that one day one of them would be gone and the other wouldn't? There's that insecurity.
It's healthy to have different interests than the other just because it has the potential to expand that admiration the one has for the other. I for one could not attain that from my late hubby. So I had to do something that I had a passion for and ultimately took pride in myself for achieving it. He never understood it. But to have something to fall back on, that you're good at, that gives you a sense of satisfaction and purpose is good, if for no reason other than life dictates that a couple doesn't stay a couple for eternity. One disappears. Having a loving relationship where a sense of loss is felt, is enviable, but not to the point of total dependency and inability to function when that other is gone.
I have found, and it's general knowledge, that you can't depend on someone else for your personal happiness. It's like putting all your eggs in one basket. Expand, learn one's own likes and dislikes, do things together, yes, but hey we all get sick. someone has to go to the pharmacy for the others' meds, right? I don't feel a relationship should be that consuming and tight knit that you can't go to the bathroom w/out the other! Just saying...

Different strokes for different folks...it's whatever works for the relationship. We are very independent people and we need our space, that's what keeps our marriage together. We spend time together and we also do our own thing. We got married a little older so both of us had lived alone before and got used to doing things more independently. No big deal...we still see a lot of each other at home and going out.

I would go crazy being around another person constantly. I need space! I love my husband, and because I love him, we take time apart.

i think like alot of people said u have to have some balance.. when my fiance and i worked together we didnt do nearly as much together as we do now, once we stopped working together we would do more together but definatley not to that level i mean im not gna drag him to go shopping when he doent want and when hes doin laundry he doesnt make me help him.. and also now that i am towards the end of this pregnancy we dogo out and do things as a couple a little more then we ordinarily would

my husband and i i are not like that at all. we do very very little together. in fact we have different friends and different likes. i do alot with my church and he does work and enjoys going to the bar. but we love each other very much. we have a happy home and happy child. this type of marriage works for us but it's not for everyone. in fact my friends don't understand our marriage.

We do some stuff together, but also with our friends individually. I go shopping with the girls and he goes fishing with the boys.

When we are both home, we do everything together. I can't get enough of him. I too wonder and worry about what would happen if i lost my husband b/c he is SO involved and we are so close, but I try not to think about it too much and just enjoy the tim I have with him.

If it worked for them who cares . . . I wouldn't necessarily worry about suicide unless there is some indication. Even then it might be more to do with the difficulties of aging.

I can't imagine not wanting my sisters' husbands around. I never tell them anything that I don't assume they will tell their husbands. That being said, neither of them is all that eager to hang out with us anyway LOL. But if they were I would respect that fact and not resent it.

My husband and I work together and we homeschool. We are all here, ALL the time. Yes, sometimes it's frustrating. But most of the time I'm very thankful. We have so much in common, and we enjoy discussing our kids, real estate, and business in general. It's a great blessing to be married to your best friend.

JMO.

PS: He does the grocery shopping. My job is to put all the stuff away.

My husband can be that way and it drives me crazy. Even with the babies (we have 5 kids in the house, 2 under 2) he'll want to bring the kids and go grocery shopping with me. REALLY?! are you crazy?! Sometimes it's nice to know he wants to help and spend time together, but I'm a stay at home mom and if all the alone time I get is grocery shopping then I'm gonna take it. We do do housework together when he is home, and yard work together but that's as much for getting things done as spending time together.

Definitely not, but we are currently wanting Nd planning to do more together.

My husbands grandparents are this way.

My hubby and I have been together since we were 14 and just hit our 40's. We have in the past worked together but are currently employed with different companies. I am blessed to be able to work full time from home while hubby works outside of the home. Outside of work we pretty much do everything together.

I am blessed with a hubby who actually enjoys shopping. Truth be told he loves shopping and I HATE it...lol. But it's a task that needs to be done so we tackle it together. We may divide and conquer in the stores to get everything on our lists done but we make the trip together usually. Now if it's a quick trip to the market for milk and bread one of us goes. But on our stocking up the pantry trips we both go. Hubby gets a rush out of getting a good deal and loves to watch for the bargains...lol.

Clothes shopping is usually a joint adventure as well because again...I HATE shopping and if left to my own devices I'd be running around with clothes from the 70's...lol. We also share many of the same interests and hobby's and genuinely just enjoy spending time with each other no matter what we're doing.

Together we can make even the most mundane tasks feel like an adventure. We divide and conquer the housework so we can get done quicker but we're cleaning in the same rooms at the same time so we're still together. We both do laundry. He does the lawn and cars. I handle the family finances. We cook together and enjoy our family meals. I usually clean up the dinner mess while he baths the girls. Hubby hates doing dishes and would rather spend the time with the girls as he's been at work all day. (And the man scrubs our toilets so yeah...I'll load the dishwasher!)

Around here our girls bedtime routine is a family event...books, prayers, goodnight song. After the littles are tucked in we wind down in the family room. We usually watch a movie or turn the radio on and just chat about our day. Sometimes hubby is working on his laptop and I'm opening mail or any number of tasks still left to be done when running a household. But we're there together chatting away while we work.

Occasionally he goes fishing or out to our neighbors bonfires or I'll go out with my girlfriends but generally we're a package deal and we like it that way!

Peace and Blessings,
T. B