I have an acquaintance that recently got remarried. He’s a workaholic. He will have 2-3 jobs at any given time & sometimes he’ll even work overtime. He’ll work all day long, go home for about 45 minutes to have dinner & get ready for his second job, and then turn around and work evenings at his second job. He also works weekends! They do not need the money from his extra jobs. He is not working toward a promotion.
His wife also works a lot b/c she’s starting a new career. She’s called on to work various shifts and overtime as well.
They rarely ever see each other. It has been this way throughout their entire relationship. I do believe that they’re in love (or at least they think they are) but I’m not sure that they really know each other well. She seems to hide her true colors from him which isn’t difficult to do when they don’t see each other much. They’ve had problems while they were dating because they had broken up a few times and then called the wedding off. They ended up calling the wedding back on and went through with it anyway. They are not young and starting out. They have a place, home furnishings, etc. They both have children from prior marriages. Her children live with them & he gets his children every-other weekend. I’m not sure how he even sees his children though b/c he works weekends.
I know their relationship is none of my business. I have no intention of meddling or commenting on their marriage. I realize they’re two adults and they don’t need my permission or anyone else’s. I’m just completely baffled as to why people get remarried when they know they’re not going to see each other much. It almost seems as though they prefer not to spend much time together. I understand that they both have their own lives, they’re not planning on starting a family together, and it’s their second marriages so their expectations are probably different than with their first marriages.
So back to my original question: why get married to someone you’ll rarely ever see? And, do these marriages usually last long under those circumstances?
I agree with Just M...sounds like they met the person who is able to or wants to live this life.
Just because you don't think it's for you doesn't mean it doesn't work for them.
I know people like that who have better marriages than those who spend a lot of time together.
I think you are making a LOT of assumptions on how well they know and love each other.
Same reason any of us get married, they are happy with their life together.
My guy's a field engineer. His job is 100% travel. He is generally gone 5 days a week. When it's international travel he'll be gone at least one weekend, usually two.
It works very well for us. He loves his work, he loves to travel. I'm a very independent homebody. If he ever retires or takes a job where he's home every night, um, I can see some therapy in our future!
:)
Do you really want an answer to this question? It sounds less like a question and just a chance for you to slam this acquaintance and his new wife. If they're just acquaintances to you, then you know next to nothing about their actual relationship. You know nothing about what goes on behind closed doors. You know nothing about their finances and financial needs. You know nothing about how much they actually see each other and make their marriage work.
The only thing you know is that their marriage isn't your marriage. Don't judge.
sounds like they have what works for them.
I'm the wife of someone who's job takes him away for months ,up to a year at a time . We have done just fine. We are going on 12 yrs married.
While reading your entire post I kept thinking the EXACT thing you posted... "I know their relationship is none of my business. I have no intention of meddling or commenting on their marriage. I realize they’re two adults and they don’t need my permission or anyone else’s"
It sounds like they are a perfect match for each other and have similar goals. It reminds me of my mother's saying 'every pot has a lid', as hard as it is to believe.
So with all due respect, find something else to worry about.
My husband and I have been married for 17 years, together for 25 years. When my husband and I were first married he was working as a long distance truck driver. He would be gone 2-3 weeks at a time. He would come home for a day or two and then be gone again. When he was home I would usually have to work, so it wasn't like we were spending all the time he was at home together either. We loved each other, and we enjoyed each others company. I am also very independant, so I did not rely on his company. I was able to spend time alone or with friends. I really enjoyed having the house to myself, but looked forward to him coming home. When we decided to start a family we didn't want him to be absent so much, so he went back to school and did a career change. It took a lot of getting used to on my part to have him home all the time, and we did get into lots of stupid little fights the first year he was home. Even now we don't spend a ton of time together. We have different interests, and both enjoy our time alone. It works.
When I dated my husband he traveled most of the time, in the US, Europe, South America etc. Even when our daughter was born he left a few days later for business. He works from home now but does spend time in our house (that is still for sale) in PA to be near his teen aged daughter and maintain the house. He is usually here for two weeks and there for two weeks every month.
I have no problem with the traveling or him being away. I was single and lived alone until my daughter was born so I am used to being by myself and I like the independence once in a while. I trust him and he trusts me and our relationship is just fine. We are also in our 40's and we do not need to spend every second with each other to feel secure.
I'm in a second marriage and we both have kids. You learn (hopefully) from your first marriage. Maybe he was married to a SAHM who bitched at him every day that he wasn't home enough. Maybe she was married to someone who wanted HER to be a SAHM and she really wanted to work. Now it looks like they have found someone who they can "be" with yet still be independent and do what they want with THEIR lives. It really isn't for you to judge or figure if it can work or not. Marriages of couples who spend TONS of time together don't work out, for many reasons. I would be happy they are together and they have just as good of a chance of it working out as any of us do. JMO. Good luck.
it sounds like they are perfect for eachother. if he was with someone who was home all of the time it would be an issue. i dont think this would work for most people but if they both have hectic lives then I guess it works for them. As for why they would get married, love, committment, to provide their children a home, settling? who knows?
i wouldnt be happy with this arrangement so I wouldnt, it seems like its what she was looking for, maybe they both had controlling partners before
My sister and her husband have been married for 27 years. In the beginning, he worked as an over-the-road trucker gone for a week or two at a time. For the last 14 years, they have lived in two different towns, about 50 miles apart. They spend every weekend together. They have a successful and happy marriage. They don't have kids, which would make their arrangement more difficult.
I think my sister and BIL have a wonderful arrangement. She doesn't do his laundry, or pick up after him every day. Neither complains how many hours the other works. They look forward to every weekend. They are also able to go on extended vacations together a couple times a year.
Ever hear the phrase "I can't miss you 'til you're gone"? Maybe the absences fuel their marriage. My husband and I get along much better when we're both busy and even better when he's travelling. I like him and all but have no need to spend time with him all the time.
I have relatives who have 5 kids, a huge house, a vacation home and a really good life. They are a very close-knit family even though the parents are like ships passing in the night. The dad works 7-3 in construction and the mom works 3-11 as a nurse manager. Both would sometimes work weekends. When the kids were younger, a grandparent covered from 2-4 in the afternoon so that they didn't need childcare. They made it work.
Just trust that just because a marriage doesn't look like yours doesn't mean that it's not right for the people who are in it.
I know I shouldn't feel this way (because I'm sure it was not your intention), but I am mildly offended! I rarely see my husband. He is in sales and travels a TON for work. Seeing him for 45 minutes a day would be nice. Do I like this arrangement? Not really. Do I expect it to change? Nope. But I love him and I want this marriage to work. I certainly hope none of my friends are wondering, why did they even bother getting married in the first place if they're never going to see each other?
Before my husband & I got married, he was a contract worker. He was gone 9 months out of the year. He worked 14-16 hours a day, lived out of a motel. We got to talk for 5 minutes a day.
On our honeymoon he got a call for a full time job, and he took it. But in his field he still works a ton of hours. He will be gone the month of October.
Sounds like they have the same goals and that's what attracted them to each other.
I think - for some people - this type of relationship works great. Some people don't want real intimacy. But they do want certain (minimal) things out of a marriage relationship. As long as it works for both parties all is well.
ETA: And of course there are marriages where distance is part of keeping the family afloat (i.e. a job or military duty).
My guess is they wanted a partner more than a lover. Someone to help with the house, the kids, make money, etc. but only as much as they need - no more. Sounds to me like two relative loners / career obsessors hooked up. Could be a match made in heaven - who knows? My only real concern would be her putting on a show and hiding her true colors when they are together - that can only last so long even if you don't spend a lot of time together. I have a friend whose husband works on job sites in different states. He lives there for 1 - 3 years. She has moved with him a couple of times but usually lives in their main home states away. When they live together, they always end up fighting and angry. Always talking divorce and what not. Then they separate for awhile and start missing each other and she/he will fly to where the other is and have a passionate weekend. Then they are "happy" again. To me it's utterly dysfunctional but they have been married 13 years. Whatever works for people!
Hi, 2:
Why does this arrangement bother you?
I am more interested in the reason you wrote this.
Just want to know.
D.
Well, some people would hate seeing their significant other a lot. I've sort of always been that way. Well, actually, when I was young I could do the "joined at the hip" "My boyfriend is so AMAZING and we never get sick of each other" couple thing, but it got really old as my own interests grew.
I ended up marrying someone who travels CONSTANTLY, and actually, if not for his total lack of trust-worthiness (which finally has ended things) I LOVED the arrangement. It's very comforting to hermits to have lots of personal space yet a constant companion to check in with by phone or look forward to visiting etc. To be honest, most of my friends are couples who are always together (and to me even being home after full time jobs is ALWAYS) and I do not know how I'm going to cope with that going forward if I get involved with someone new. I like my own busy schedule and OCCASIONAL time spent with someone else. Honestly, unless your careers are the same-like you own a business together pursuing the same passions-why spend the majority of your time with one person? Boring! (not normal....I know) I mean my best friend and her significant other do EVERYTHING together. Every social event, every dinner out, every weekend trip to see family, every night in-she'll ONLY meet up on the ONE NIGHT that he's busy with band practice, otherwise she's "busy with him" Her answer if you invite HER somewhere is "No, because WE are going this or that" or "Can I bring him?" I mean.....don't people run out of things to talk about????!!
I need a new husband like your friend!
Not sure what the stats are-but it sounds perfect
It all depends on the situation. My mother died when I was young and my father had 4 young children to raise. Within 2 years he married my stepmother who also had 2 young children. It was purely a marriage of convenience and they did not love each other. As soon as all the kids were grown they got divorced.
I do not think it was right and I really wish he had never done it, but it is what it is. My dad was so overwhelmed with 1 boy and 3 girls he just was way over his head and needed help and this was how he got it.
