Don't Have a Kid Yet,is It Wrong to Insist on Her Father Loving Her Exclusively?

Wow, did you say "Why do men get so alarmed about this?" *I'M* alarmed about this and I'm not even a man.

I hope you get a WHOLE LOTTA therapy before you get pregnant.

:(

You need more than the advice you can get here. You need to see a professional therapist, it sounds like you have many, many issues to work through before you can have a healthy relationship, let alone a child.

1. Unless you specifically adopt a girl, you can't guarantee anything.
2. Unless you can be just as happy with a boy, do NOT get pregnant.
3. People don't like being told how to love, and how to live their life.
4.People don't like others assuming how they will love, and the mistakes they will make.
5.People don't like getting ultimatums, period.
6. The especially don't like ultimatums, if they haven't even decided to be that serious.
7. What you are saying, is not possible. They have lived their whole lives with their family. They will ALWAYS love their family as much as you. A different love, yes.
8.The problem isn't men, it's YOU.
9.You have too much emotional baggage. You are projecting your past hurts, onto others.
10.Your mother is a bad egg. Why should you assume, that all others will do what she did?
11.It's horrible to think that someone you would spend your life with, could be that way. It's horrible to hear that you think they are capable of that.
12. For the sake of yourself, and your unborn child, don't get married anytime soon.
13. Freaking SERIOUSLY?
14. Counseling.
15.Lots.

Is it wrong to insist a would be dad love you and your future child exclusively?

YES!!!

For a few reasons ;

1) Its controlling and abusive.
- Insisting that your boyfriend / spouse cut off all contact &/or always out you first above everything is EXTREMELY abusive. And its a waving red flag to get out of that relationship as quickly as possible.

It can be hard to see with the genders reversed sometimes, but imagine if a man said "My wife will not be allowed to ______________." Even the first part of the sentence is BACK THE HECK UP!!! And when the blank spot is "love and show affection to her parents and siblings"? The answer is don't walk, but RUN.

2) You cannot dictate love. Informing others whom they will love and how? Doesn't fly. Its irrational, and then turns into #1, above. Aka controlling and abusive behavior.

3) Most people DO love their own children. Most people DO put their own families at the top of their priority list. But
A- Its never 100%. Emergencies come up, work schedules change, etc.
B- Demanding 'normal', as if they wouldn't without your command to, is beyond insulting. It shows them exactly how much respect for & understanding of them you have : 0%

4) what if you have a boy? You're NOT re-raising YOURSELF. This is another human being who may be a boy, or who may be a girl HATES girly princessy type things. Being so dead set on exactly "who" your child is going to be is very scary. Both for the child (should they not fall in line with your fantasy, you're setting them up to live your own life where their mom hates them), and hearing someone dictate who their OWN child will be so didactically, would make any normal person run. If a man told me exactly "who" HIS child was "going" to be... I'd have a few back the heck up pieces of my mind to share with them. (He's going to be a boy, and he's going to have xyz, and like abc, and do zyx, and and and). Nope. Hug-uh. That is NOT the life I want for any of MY children. Children are unique individuals and there is no telling them what their sex will be, what they will like, etc. And children are OURS. Not "my daughter is going to" etc.

5) Counseling Counseling Counseling Counseling.

If you laid that ground rule to me, I think I'd run the other way, too. You've already determined your non-existent daughter's non-existent father treats her contemptuously! Any man who steps into that role is destined to fail! Couples do not operate that way. When you find the right person, that devotion naturally follows. If you have to spell it out that way, it says you have major trust issues. And reading your post indicates you have had a very disturbing series of life experiences and opinions that would make an intimate commitment to you rather tedious and difficult. Your expectations are rather high and very narrow -- you are setting any future partner, and future daughter, for that matter, up to fail. You are looking to have a daughter to create a relationship you wish you had had with your own mother, but children grow as they will and don't follow the path you think they will, and you will end up smothering her with your expectations.

I don't mean to be harsh, but when you ask questions here, you will get honest opinions. Please, please seek counseling. You deserve to be happy, but just based on this post, I fully believe no man or child will ever be able to give you that happiness, nor will they live up to your expectations. You are not ready for new relationships when you are so consumed with the ones from your past.

ETA: I don't know whether you'll see this, but I really appreciate the graceful way you took the responses. Sometimes it's hard to face answers that people are telling you there's a problem in your thinking, and you handled it gracefully. I wish you all the best.

You are just like you mother. You are favoring a girl baby princess over a baby boy, do you not see this?????

You have a very wild imagination, now wonder men run from you. You shouldn't be talking about your wants/desires with a man until you get to know him and date for quite some time. If he is in love with you, then all the other stuff will fall into place.

BTW I love my nieces and nephews as if they were my own children. My heart is very open to love many people NOT just my husband & my own children. The way you are talking, you are going to suffocate your husband & little princess, to the point you are going to make them leave you.

You have a lot of unresolved issues and need quite intense therapy. Please seek help immediately.

This post is so alarming, I do pray for you to get help soon.

I think Theresa N said it best.

The dynamics in your family are NOT NORMAL. The vast majority of people love their own children, and give priority to their own children. The vast majority of people do not show favoritism between their children.

So please, please, get yourself some therapy before you get pregnant. And figure out whether you'd be happy with a boy baby before you get pregnant. The odds are 50/50. If the answer is no, then you should adopt a girl.

Good luck to you. You have a lot to figure out.

I don't think they are terrified of loving their child, I am pretty sure it is how you look at this and approach them with it that is terrifying.

You appear to be in seriously need of therapy, start there, perhaps with some healing you will see guys aren't that bad.

Interesting timing.
I just saw something today about how parents really want to love their kids differently, if they've experienced "not so perfect parenting" themselves.
They think they ARE loving/raising their kids differently than that which they experienced.
The thing is, most are doing do with a "contaminated" heart.
Until YOU let go of your anger and hurt, you won't be able to come close to achieving what you're describing.
And, quite honestly, the men you're describing sound like you won't nothing more than an X chromosome to achieve your goal.
Of course if you lag out your parenting expectations whil you're newly dating, they're going to bolt!

Good advice: be choosy picking a mate. After that, everything else will fall into place.

And, truthfully, I find your preoccupation with raising a little, doted on princess to be disturbing. I think what you're really looking for is some live and acceptance and doting for yourself.
See what I mean about loving with a contaminated heart?
Get yourself some help, first and foremost!

(And, to answer your question, I have O. of those good guys that puts his wife and child first while managing to love and care for his extended family quite well. They're out there. But first you have to prepare yourself to receive someone like that.)

There are a couple of things that alarm me is your post. First off you talk about this perfect baby girl, what if you have a boy? Will he be a disappointment? Will you be able to love him as deeply as you would this imaginary girl you dreamed up in your head? If the answer is even a possible no, then maybe you should consider adoption so you can choose the sex.
Second, of course they run! Telling a man that he can no longer love his parents or siblings is completely out of line and unreasonable. They are his family, and a real man can equally love you and his child while still loving his parents and siblings just as much.

Honestly, I think you are hurt by your upbringing. Rather then looking for a man who is willing to throw aways his family, the ones who raised him and loved him and sacrificed for him (which any man that was willing would be just as willing later to throw you away, FYI) you need to find a good therapist to help you deal with your unresolved issues from your past so you can have a normal loving relationship.

And think about it, how will you feel when this perfect girl grows up and, per your example, throws you and her father away for her husband, and now she no longer loves you because you taught her that a person only holds enough love for one small part of their family.

Please find a good therapist in your area that can help you.

You need to print this question out and take it to a counselor.

Working out your issues with your familiy of origin is an important step to take before you get into a relationship and have kids. You've come a long way in defining those issues- that's great- and now you're more prepared to work through them.

You are giving ultimatums about kids you don't have yet, to men you're not married to yet? Please think about that for a second. It's not normal. You're scaring them off with your issues, plain & simple. You want to have a doll baby princess to spoil and give her the childhood you never had? Again, this is not normal or healthy. What if you had a boy? I think you have a lot of resentment and anger and won't be capable of being a good mate or parent until you can heal yourself.

Good luck.

S., I can't honestly figure out if this is a real question or not. I see you are new to MP so I dont have any history to look at. I will assume it is real. Sweetie, please sign yourself up for some counseling. It sounds like you had a pretty rough time growing up and that it has caused you to think of yourself and others in an unhealthy way. Good luck to you. If you are working full time, you might check with your employer to see if you have an EAP program - they could help connect you with someone for a few free visits.

Honey, I have never ever experienced what you have. I think it's important for you to know that what happened to you is absolutely horrible and your family is a broken down mess. I can totally see why your view of things is the way it is, considering your entire life experience.

Please, please go to counseling. It will help you work out your fears and relieve some of the hurt that you have had to endure. I wish I could give you a big hug! I'm so sorry you were treated so badly. You are a valuable human being and it sounds like valuing others is important to you. You will have a lot to give as a mama someday. Take care of YOU right now.
HUGS!

Ok..Speaking from experience..What if you have a boy? I am much more afraid of that boy growing up with a mother who wished and wished to have her dream little girl, only to have a boy. You can't always get what you want girlfriend.

On a side note, what man would choose to be in a relationship with someone who's sole purpose IS to have a GIRL, and to make sure he ONLY loves you and his girl. You come off as very insecure, controlling, and intimidating.

Before you go all up in getting a sensible man, you need to make sense of your own issues( past and present) before even think of attempting an actual adult relationship. It sounds like you can't get over it, and you need to in order to grow up.

Well, I'm sorry that the therapy you have had has not helped you, because you certainly need help. I'll tell you this flat out - if I were a man and you said all of this to me, I'd run too. PLENTY of men are going to love their wife and child(ren). NOT MANY men want to have to fight to see their family or leave off paying attention to other people because their wife is jealous of everyone else in his life due to her terrible childhood.

What's going to happen if you give birth to a little boy? Will your dashed dreams turn you into your parents again, blaming your "failure" in not having a girl on this little boy?

You really need to find a different therapist before you have a child. If you can't look at life in a more normal way, motherhood is going to be a real let-down for you. The fantasy is just THAT - fantasy. Parenting is hard work. And God gave us the ability to love ENDLESSLY. Not just our wife and child.

Sorry if this is tough on you. You need a wake-up call. I just don't know how you will get it, to be honest, except to find out how hard it is to be a parent.

Dawn

S.:
You need counseling. You need to understand you grew up in a dysfunctional family. Your dad was an abuser and a control freak, you mom was an emotional abuser. None of this is your fault.

But from today forward you need to learn that love can not be regulated. you cannot tell anyone how to love you or your future child. You have to get to a place where you can accept your damaged self image and understand that you are perfect as you are, just like many of us a little screwed up.

The big issue here is the little girl inside you is still fighting for the love of a parent who is incapable of unconditional love for her child. Stop fighting her crazy concept of love, accept her as she is and look for that unconditional love from deep within yourself. Find friends who accept you as you are.

This IS one of those posts that the poster will return and delete her lengthy question, because not one mama here agrees with her.

So for history sake here it is:

Don't have a kid yet,is it wrong to insist on her father loving her exclusively?

I am 30 years and single. I desperately want to have a girl baby. I have fantasized about her for years and I want her to grow up like a princess. But I cant get married in the first place. All the men I meet are big kids themselves and mama's boys. They love their parents and siblings too much and I don't think they will shift their love to me and our child after marriage. I was personally humiliated by parents who fawned over their siblings and nephews/nieces while kicking me to the bottom of their priority lists. I want to make sure that doesn't happen to my little girl. So I always lay down as a necessary condition that any man interested in marrying me must promise to prioritize me and our child after marriage and should not give primary importance to his parents, siblings etc. They all run away when I say this. Why are they so terrified of being asked to love their own child as she should be loved? Why are there so many people who hate their own kids but instead drool over their nephews and nieces? My mother hated me from teh time I was born. She badly wanted to have another child to replace me and got pregnant. My father made her get an abortion and she has been mad about it ever since. She has tortured me my whole life because she could not have her preferred second child and she sees me as responsible for it. She often cries about her lost 'child' and blames me saying that I should have stood up and asked for a sibling all those years ago. I cannot believe that she actually expected me to ask for a rival for myself. Till today I am not on speaking terms with my so-called mother because of her unmitigated hatred for me. She chose to mentally adopt her brother and his kids as her family. She has always treated her brother's kids as her own and has spent her life praising those kids while denigrating me in comparison. She is not the only one though. My paternal grandfather does it too- he loves his brother and brother's son way above his own kids and grandkids. I wonder what it is that makes such people act the way they do. All I want is a sensible father for my baby girl who will not treat her the way I was treated. I want him to reserve his love exclusively for her instead on wasting it on nephews, nieces, cousins or others. Why do men get so alarmed about this? Are there no truly loving men out there who are prepared to love their child? I would rather not give birth to my baby at all than bring her into a crappy world where her own father treats her contemptuously.

And now my answer...hon, please print this off and go to a local, registered family therapist, with a wide open heart, and learn about the psychological damage caused by reacting to childhood circumstances with a 180 degree opposite mentality.

We are designed as humans to be emotionally connected to our parents and siblings, aunts and uncles. In short, we are meant to be in relationship with more than just one wife and one daughter, who in your predicament is currently not even conceived, and my goodness, what if it were a boy?

S., please consider joining a Co Dependent Support Group and learn about healthy relationships before you procreate. If you can.

wow.
there is a big diference about expecting to be a priority in your husbands life than asking to be the only priority.

shouldnt your future child be blessed witha mom capable of loving her family and showingher what family bonds are. My daughters life wouldnt be the same without aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents that love her endlessly. YES the love they have for their own child is diferent then the love they have for her J. as my love for her is diferent then the love for my nieces and nephews but one doesnt take away from the other.
You shouldnt have kids until you heal from the past and GET OVER YOURSELF a bit. It seems as if you wan the world to revolve around you and this future "princess" . how about future golas of rasing a giving loving child rather than a "princess" I hope my child volunteers and helps and loves others...i do not hope to raise a princess.
yes she is my "princess, sweat pea, and any other cute name" but i refuse to treat her like a princess because i want her to grow into a beautiful woman full of love for herself AND others

I think you should get counseling to deal with your family of origin issues and then I think you will be happier in relationships overall. Yes, a husband should prioritize his wife and child(ren) BUT that shouldn't negate his relationships with his parents or nieces or nephews. My husband is a good man - including father, husband, uncle, brother, and friend. His relationships with his niece and nephews doesn't mean his son and daughters aren't a priority for him. You can love more than one person.

I'm sorry you don't have a healthy role model for this, which is where I think counseling to learn about healthy relationships and ways to convey your feelings without scaring people off would be beneficial to you and any future children. And don't forget, you have a 50% chance of a son, too. Don't be so fixated on a daughter you wouldn't appreciate a son just as much. It is not a "waste" to love other people as well as your spouse and child. I would run far away if DH told me I couldn't love my sister or her son because I married him. You also need to not have a child until you can separate HER (or him) from yourself. Please do not try to relive or fix your childhood through your child.

I think you are letting your family's issues cloud your thinking and are putting it way before the horse, so to speak. If you have a good relationship with a good man, good fathering and husbanding and appropriate levels of affection for everyone will follow. Being possessive to "make up for" your childhood is a good way to make someone run away.

While there are men who are too fixated on their families (mom, dad, sibs) could it also be that you have so little basis for "normal" that you are misinterpreting the relationships? As an example, sometimes women find good men "boring" because they are used to their parents fighting all the time. They think that without some drama, there is no relationship and get caught up in bad situations until they get counseling to understand how abnormal their childhoods were.

Good luck to you, but I think you need to start with the inside first.

I would run away too, honestly. You're telling them how you expect them to behave years from now. Really, you should be looking for a person that is already who you want them to be. You can't change someone. People change when they want to, not because someone else tells them too. I find it scary that you're telling them what you expect from them years down the road.

And if you ONLY want a girl, please don't have a child. I have one girl and two boys and they are the light of my life. I wouldn't care if they were the opposite gender from what they are, they are MY babies, and they are my world. Really, it doesn't matter what you have, as long as your baby is healthy.

And I agree with everyone else who has said to print this and take it to a counselor, you have a lot of issues that need worked out.

First and foremost, get counseling. You were severely hurt when you were younger. You need to focus on healing that child within you. Then you can have love enough for everyone. Men might be backing away from you because of your need to control. If you get married now, you will be coming from a place of brokenness. You know that you have not had a good example of being a mom. Find a way to talk to a wise counselor and they can give you insight and strategies to get to a place of emotional well being.
Good luck.

What they're terrified of is the person who feels the need to lay down this law. I was an over-30 bride and had developed all kinds of standards and requirements for a mate. I don't have a problem with using my words and making my desires known, but I also like to do the occasional self-check to make sure that I am being reasonable, not just in my thinking but also in how I express what I'm thinking.

That said, you do not sound like a healthy person. I think that you should stop looking for a husband/father for child while in this state, because you won't attract what you say you want. If you are not healthy, you will not attract healthy. Get some therapy, so you can get some perspective.

You are scaring men away by bringing this up. You are bringing your own past issues into your relationship and into the life of your unborn child! This is wrong! What you need to do is start seeing a therapist regularly to help you deal with these issues you had growing up. These are not the kinds of things anyone needs to talk to their boyfriend about or even worry about. Yes, it is not normal and it probably makes you sound scary possessive to whoever you are talking to. In my family we love our kids but we also love and adore our nieces and nephews and cousins. That does not take away from the love we have for our own kids. Love does not need to be exclusive. You grew up in an abnormal situation and it has made you abnormally jealous. Please see a therapist. If my future spouse started saying things like that to me I would be very wary and would probably break things off with them.

OK you need to step waaaaayyyyy back. Have you gone to therapy yet to work out your childhood issues? Because if you don't, the skewed way that you were raised is going to drive people away from you.

I think that your line of questioning is a turn off because you are asking men to commit to what is a normal expectation, making a "thing" out of something that is a given. So in bringing this up, you're revealing that your own perspective is a bit warped due to how you were raised and honestly, this probably makes the "crazy alarm" go off for these guys. Not only that, your dream of having a little girl and raising her "like a princess" is not realistic or good. We are not princesses. We are girls, who become women. Who have to work hard and be responsible for ourselves and others. Who are held to the same standards as normal people. Raising a girl "like a princess" doesn't do the girl any favors and ill prepares her for life.

Also...what if you had a boy? Or a girl who isn't a girly girl and doesn't want to be treated like a princess?

Your longing for a child sounds to me like a longing to get a re-do of your own childhood, and that's one of the worst ways to bring a child into the world. You seem to not understand that your child(ren) would be their own people with their own wants and needs, hopes and dreams, and those may not be what *you* want and need for them.

Please work with a counselor to heal the trauma of your childhood and get a healthy perspective on what it means to be a wife and mother so that you can have the wonderful, normal, healthy family you dream of.

S., I'm sending you hugs because I know where you're coming from. I don't speak to my own bio mother very much because of how she is. She should not have had children.

That said, the issue here is not the guys, it is your broken heart. What you are expecting - from a HEALTY person/parent - is a given. It just happens. But you cannot DEMAND it - that is what is scaring the people you want to become involved with. Your husband, when you find him, will love his family. BUT to demand how and how much is not healty. It is a level of insecurity and jealousy that is damaging. The best thing you can do - and I did it for myself so I could have a healthy relationship - is get therapy NOW. You can repair the damage that was done to your heart and emotions and be the healthy person in your family. But you need to STOP blaming the guys and realize that the chance must come from within. Believe me. (ADD: Thanks to therapy, and ongoing work on myself, I've been married for 15 years, with a lovely 5 year old - hubby loves us BOTH first.)

There is no such thing as wasted love. Everyone is different and they love in different ways. There are different levels and kinds of love. Personalities come into it - I have a half and a step sister - I love them both, BUT I love my step "more" actively because we have so much in common. That's just how it is. I am there for my sis, but we would never "hang out".

If you don't have a girl baby, then what?
And this is just the tip of the iceberg of a problem.

I am seeing a lot of "me, me, me," and "I, I, I," in your post. That would be great if you didn't have issues to deal with...but you do. When you have issues and brokeness in your history, you cannot expect others to fix or deal with it for you. You have to face your painful past BEFORE bringing someone else into the picture. Not doing so is just asking for more brokeness in your future.

As you have a broken relationship with your parents, I am concerned that your own view of healthy parenting is skewed. Your parents' extreme behavior was not good...but you need to understand that going to the OTHER extreme is also bad. Extremes are bad, balance is healthy. A child-centric "raise our daughter like a princess OR ELSE" relationship is NOT HEALTHY.

Your wish to find a man who puts his immediate family first is admirable and understandable. And I think you can find such a man. I found one and married him. But it's important to understand HEALTHY family dynamics before you make other demands of the future father of your children and love of your life. It's NOT healthy to push the rest of the family away, nor is it healthy to focus solely on making a picture-perfect life for a child. Life isn't perfect and it's important to EQUIP children to deal with real life, not snowplow away all the difficulty for them.

Please seek professional counseling from a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) whose theory of choice is Bowen Family Systems Theory. I think that you have a lot of personal stuff that you need to deal with before you bring a husband and child into the picture. Honestly, S., and I say this in all kindness, if I were a man, I would run for the hills before entering into a serious relationship with you. You simply have too much unreconciled baggage and anger.

♥
C. Lee

Please re-read Hazel's post. She is right: We beg you to put any thoughts --ANY thoughts -- of having any children of your own far, far away until you have spent a great deal of time and effort seeing a professional therapist to work through your very difficult problems with your parents. Your rage at them is what is behind all your actions and statements to men you date -- can you see that? Can you step back enough from your own intense anger and hurt to see that you must become healthy yourself before you even remotely start to think about the possibility of maybe dating someone -- and I'm not even talking yet about a child, only about dating. It is painful to read your post and I hope you can get some help very quickly, but it will take a long time to work through all the things you mention here.

As others noted, the fact that you don't even seem to consider the possibility of having a boy is very alarming. If you had a son, you could well end up revisiting with him the kind of rejection you so loathed from your own family. Yes, you would say that you'd never do that -- but your own admission that you want a princess shows that you aren't thinking straight; you could as easily end up with a prince, and then would you be able to accept that? It sounds like the answer is no. Isn't it possible that you are so fixated on having a girl because a girl that you fussed over, adored and put on a pedestal would be the girl you never got to be -- the princess you weren't, because your mother rejected you. You would be expecting your daughter to be the perfect daughter you know you could have been -- if only you'd been loved, right? Please don't go that route. "If only" is a sad way to live and sets you and some future daughter up for a very difficult relationship; the first time she isn't perfect or disappoints you, it will not be another step on a path of motherhood for you; it will shatter you, wound you, crush you, based on how you are talking here.

Please, please don't try to date and certainly put thoughts of future children far on the back burner until you and a therapist have thoroughly worked through your past.

You end by saying "I would rather not give birth to my baby at all rather than bring her into a crappy world where her own father treats her contemptuously." Can you see how that statement shows you're not embracing reality? You are not even dating anyone seriously, and you're not pregnant. Yet you're making huge statements about "my baby" and "her father," neither of whom is a reality yet, and neither of whom may ever BE a reality. You've constructed a shadow dad in your mind who is already mean to a shadow baby who doesn't exist. I know, you'll say, "Well, I'm being theoretical," but you're working yourself up over hypothetical actions of a hypothetical dad to your hypothetical baby. Please focus on yourself right now -- not on what-ifs.

Well... Are you giving them this whole speech when you "lay down as a necessary condition that any man interested in marrying me must promise to prioritize me and our child after marriage and should not give primary importance to his parents, siblings etc?"

I'd be pretty surprised if their running away has ANYTHING to do with not wanting to love their future children and EVERTHING to do with being totally wierded out by your personal issues.

Loving your wife and child does not preclude loving your family of origin! Honestly, the relationships with siblings and parents should be the best indicator of the depth and quality of relationships the seek in their future family. Your own insecurity about a many needing to "shift their love" to you is just... well... unhealthy.

There are lots of men out there who are prepared to love their children. They just aren't prepared to get involved with a woman who they perceive as unbalanced.

Its probably worth some personal therapy to get yourself through your issues of rejection from your mother and your ideas about your future family before jumping into a serious relationship and bringing a child (who may be a boy btw) into the world.

HTH
T.

I don't blame the guys for running either. You are telling them that once you get married you expect them to love you and any child you might have exclusively. You don't allow that they can love you and any child you might have along with loving their parents/siblings, etc. No one wants to be with a woman who wants to cut them off from their family and friends and that is basically what you're telling these guys.

Sorry you don't perceive that you were properly loved as a child. You have many issues that you need to address BEFORE you have a child.

And what will you do if your child is a boy? Are you ready to love that boy the way you already think you love a little girl? You are in love with the notion of being a parent; you are not really ready for parenthood.

We never want to become our own parents, especially when our own parents weren't very good role models and they traumatized us more often than they loved us. But sometimes we go to such extremes in order to avoid being them that we become just as dysfunctional but in a different way.

What seems so logical to you in trying to find the right partner and co-parent can't be made as an ultimatum. It has to be figured out through getting to know each other. Have you considered that the men you meet who are so amazing with their nieces and nephews and adore those children and would move heaven and earth for their siblings' children are EXACTLY the type of men that you want as fathers for your own child/ren?

When I saw my husband with his sister's baby boy, that's when I fell in love with him. When I saw how much he loved that boy, I fell HARD for him. When I realized he would lay his life down for the baby girls she later had, and how he played with them and interacted with all of them, I knew he would make an amazing father to his own children. When I saw him with my own young brother, who was ten at first, and my other teen-aged brother, I knew he would be great with older children too.

What's my point? The more a heart loves, the more capable of love it becomes.

I understand you want a certain level of control.
But there are some things you just can't control.
You can't guarantee you will have a girl unless you adopt or do a gender selection through IVF (only accept girl embryos and discard boy embryos).
You can't guarantee any girl you get will be a girly girl and want to be a princess - you could just as easily have a rough and tumble tom boy who climbs trees, skins knees and comes back laughing for more.
Dedication to your immediate family (spouse, kids) comes with love and respect and getting to know one another well, trusting each other, etc.
You can't demand/order people to do it.
Frankly I'd run for the hills myself if someone demanded it of me.
I love my husband completely - he deserves it, he's earned it but he'd never demand it.
It's reciprocal - we love each other and our son.
There is a certain amount of risk involved in loving someone.
You might get hurt or it might be glorious to find your soul mate.
I think you would do well to get some counseling to overcome some of the trauma you suffered while growing up.
You have trust issues.
And you really need to be able to trust to find a good family man.

For some reason before I had babies I always pictured myself with a little girl (NOT a princess {shudder}). Then I had three boys :). Best thing ever!

Anyway, get yourself some help sweetheart, and good luck.

Start working to fix yourself from within and heal the wounds you obviously carry from childhood before bringing a person into this world.

A baby is not an extension of yourself or a way to fulfill a fantasy. A baby is a human being with every right to come into this world unencumbered by your baggage from childhood.

Find a good counselor, get the help you need to deal with the shortcomings of your own parents and you will find the rest falls into place.

It may be possible that you are judging your potential husbands through the lens of you own childhood, and unfairly so.

You cannot predict every way your husband will act in your future years. Demanding a particular behavior (this is how I read your post, so please excuse me if I am off-base), just makes you demanding. It think it would be better to have a discussion about family.

As I see it, a man that is close to his family will likely adore his own family.

I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time getting beyond your first few sentences. You could end up having boys only.

They are running away because you are imposing on them to not love their family and only you. The issue is that you are telling other people to "not love as much". Love is not divided, it's shared. My husband had the same thoughts as you, because I still loved my family and kids, I did not love him enough. It's that mentality that if I love someone else, I am taking from him when there is no such thing as taking love from him. I loved him as my husband, I love my parents as my parents. I have a favorite ice-cream, I have a favorite drink, I have a favorite item at BC Cafe... I love them all. You are telling people that they must forgo eating the spaghetti and special sauce because the chocomint should be all they need.

You need everyone in your life, you don't ignore one or the other. The one thing that sticks out in my mind is that you said "why would I want a rival child?". Most kids want someone to play with, someone to share with. To think another child as a "rival" is indicative of your ideas on love. Maybe you didn't mean it that way but you need to forget how you were treated by your family. It was wrong but you don't have to let those action define the way you are today. Accept a man who will love his mother and father and siblings because it's THAT kind of man who will be able to love YOU and the children you have together.

Don't pick a man who is like the family you don't like... a man who picks and chooses who he loves. What if you have two kids? What to do? Pick a man who can love all of you and more.

Until you're ready to love, honor and respect a child for whomever that individual may or may not be, you're not ready to have a child.

Being a mom isn't about providing/indulging your fantasy childhood or a "do-over" for your own missed opportunities. I'm sorry you got the short end of the stick growing up. That is sad and it hurts. So often, moms have to put aside (or on hold) her own needs, and it doesn't sound like that's what you need right now.

I respect that you are in a place to give so much love and attention to a little girl - and it sounds to me like you are ready to start the process of healing the little girl within yourself.

Counseling is wonderfully healing process and I highly recommend it.

You sound like you want to provide your child with all that you didn't have - I think a good place to start is with a healthy, balanced mom. Work on yourself and I promise the rest will follow!

Good luck!

Oh honey, with a childhood like that, of course you would want to make sure your child's father will treat him/her well. Of course you're concerned about that.

When it comes to getting from point A to point B, though, I just think you're going about it sort of backwards.

First, after a traumatic childhood, it's natural to think, "When I'm a parent, I'm going to do X, Y, and Z completely differently." But, being a parent is not the way to slay the demons from your past. Being a parent is hard as hell. What you've got to do -- what everyone has to do -- is work out those childhood issues FIRST and THEN think about parenthood. Really, honestly, I recommend taking a break from the dating world and focusing on counseling first. Once you feel more resolved and at peace about your own childhood, dating will probably be easier, and a lot more fun.

And on the dating thing, there are lots of guys who'd make great dads. Not every guy you meet, but plenty of them. BUT, the vast majority of men do not want to be evaluated as potential fathers right off the bat, let alone subjected to a litmus test. What they want, first, is to meet a girl who's a whole lot of fun and whom they can talk to for hours, who's confident and comfortable in her own skin. Once they get to know you and appreciate you for who you are, they'll understand your concerns about parenthood in the context of your history and they'll respond sympathetically and appropriately. But you have to give them a chance to get to know you as a person, not just a future mom, first.

And on the princess thing, I've had recent dealings with two women who were raised as total princesses (one is married to my BIL, one is a colleague and former coworker). Oh, my, effin', Gawd. The world does not more of this. As much as you needed love and affection you never got, the alternative to that is not to put a child on a pedestal. Because if you do, she'll never learn how to climb off. And, of course, you could have a boy. You could have a girl who wants to climb trees, shoot hoops, program computers, cuss, quarrel, and conquer the world. Or, you could have a BOY who wants to be a princess. You'll know you're ready for parenthood when you're ready for every possibility.

And, finally, your whole family of origin sounds horribly dysfunctional and atypical. For the vast, vast majority of everyone, loving a niece or nephew is a good test of being a parent, and sometimes a good trial run. One of the great tests of your future partners, honestly, is how WELL they treat their own parents. If they're loyal and loving to their moms and dads, they'll be loyal and loving to you and the kids.

So, what I really want to say is, wait for parenthood. Wait until you've taken the time you deserve to heal your past wounds. Your husband and children-to-be will thank you for it. And I think you'll truly thank yourself.

I am so sorry you had such a tough childhood. It is clear that you are hoping to get from a husband what you didn't get as a child. But you won't be in a place to accept that until you understand it better yourself and become a healthier you.

My husband does put myself and my daughter first, but not because I demanded it be so. I picked a nice guy, and nice guys do the right thing. A decent guy does realize that his wife and children ARE his family. He still has room for other relatives, but his family is the priority. But again- you can't demand this, it just doesn't work that way. And what guys are hearing when you say that is that you have a lot of baggage, and they just are afraid that they can't handle your issues.

You need to heal your past before you can move forward in a healthy relationship. Please do as others have suggested and find a good therapist, they do wonders. Once you are in a better place, you will attract a man that you won't have to place this kind of demand on, and you'll see that he will love you and your child just because he does.

Big hugs to you.

Wow you are getting way too ahead of yourself, and that is probably what is scaring everyone off, not to mention your demand for how your family will be treated, and you don't even have a family yet. That is kinda spooky. See, when you fall in love,and get married your husband will just naturally want to be there for you and your child. And you will probably want to be there, enjoying his family as well. That's the way it is supposed to work. I know it is not always that way in some families, because there is strife in the world, but when you start demanding things like you do, and marriage and family isn't even on the radar yet, that is why you are scaring men off. And I agree with Wild One too. She is right on with the advice.

Go to therapy. It can help heal your wounds. You are asking something completely unreasonable and crazy. Men shouldn't have to give up their families so they can love you and your prospective child. Its not ok to make them choose, me or them. Best wishes!

I can see you have already received OODLES of responses. I just wanted to chime in! I married a man who is VERY much invested in his family. His (only) sister was very much his best friend growing up, and I was surprised to learn ( when we were dating) that he called his mother every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I lived with my parents at the time, and I'm pretty sure I didn't have conversations with my mother every single day.

That said, I loved that he got along well with his family. His sister was already married, and had moved far away, by the time we'd met. After we got married, he continued to call his Mom...but I was his Wife. When his parents would come to visit, the first year or so was tricky. (She was so used to doing everything for him, it felt like I was a visitor in my own house. LOL. Not a horrible problem to have - she made all the meals, and even took over the cleaning at first!) We have been married for 7 years now, and I wouldn't change a thing. His mother accepts me as her second daughter, and absolutely dotes on my kids. My husband and I have (mentally) arranged things so that I always come first, while we still work together to make sure his parents are always taken care of.

It really does take a village, but finding the right balance can be tricky. Good luck!!!

Please realize that your personal situation was extremely unique. I have never heard of this happening to anyone that I know. You don't see it very often here either. You were the victim of extremely bad genetic luck-thats it. There is not much reason to expect this going forward because of its rarity. Most people, when they become parents, are easily able to prioritize their spouse and children and still love their family. I really would not worry about the men that you meet having this problem. Even if they seem selfish and immature most tranistion nicely into fatherhood. I honestly would worry more about yourself-are YOU going to be able to handle it when you have a boy??? Becuase if the answer is no or even maybe then don't have kids yourself. I am not sure you would be mature enough to handle it.
Lastly-the real thing that is chasing away the men is that you mention this to them Honestly-you must sound psycho when you say this.

My husband is very close to his family, he and his two brothers grew up with a single mother and are all very close. He has never had a problem prioritizing our family. Occasionally he has made a goof up (on Mother's Day I wanted to do something and he said his mother was a mom first and more important....he realized very quickly he had said the wrong thing and did what I wanted with no complaint) but for the most part, his love for his family has not caused his love for me or our daughter to not be his number one priority. He has even defended me to his brother when he tried to say his dog could come over to our house, even though we don't allow my mother or aunt to bring their dogs over and his brother said he was more important than my family.

I think you should also be aware that you could have a son. I just want to say that so that you realize that you don't want to treat a possible son the way that your mother treated you- like the child you don't want and wish you had a different one. I also had a terrible mother and frequently find myself making sure that I DONT do what she did because I never want my daughter to feel the way that I did/do about my mother. I never want her to feel lesser or like she's not my number one priority. If I had a son, I'd want him to feel the same way.

I think if you find a man who loves his family, you'll be happier than if you found one that doesn't. I am so thankful to have found a man who is close with his family and who's mother I can get along well with.

I think maybe the reason the guys run away is because you have just started dating them and you are already laying down rules for fatherhood. You need to keep dating a little more light and fun.

The point of dating is to find out about someone's character. Spend enough time with the guy, and you will find out important things about him. Don't bother giving him "rules." If he's not the kind of guy you want he won't ultimately obey your rules, anyway.

i think you should be waiting to lay down these "rules" until you find a man that you really believe youre going to marry... not some guy youve dated a couple months and think there might be a chance he could be the one.. once youre in a long term relationship and think marriage could be in your near future you should discuss all of your feelings on this matter with him, but actually have a discussion and explain why you feel the way you do, dont just come out of the blue and say listen if you think youre ever going to marry me you need to do x,y, and z

and im going to agree that you need some counceling

I hate it when moms refer another mom to therapy--its rather cold.

I love your update! Good for you to see things differently. I have 4 siblings and have never thought of them as rivals. Just wanted to mention that. Also, I don't want to come down hard on you, but I don't think raising a girl as a princess (obsessively) is a good thing. I know a lot of parents like getting their girls into it. I just think some little girls have their expectations of life built up too much! I don't think it's the healthiest thing. I mean, I think it's good for girls to be well-rounded - into playing in sand and dirt, sports, reading, helping to community. Not that you wouldn't let your girl do that! Woman need to be able to stand on their own 2 feet.
I had a boyfriend that wanted only me and it was horrible! I have to say that it wasn't okay to have him controlling me not hanging out with family and friends. I am now happily married to a different man and have a 4 year old boy who I adore. Yeah, you might have a boy! I thought with a bunch of nieces in the family I'd have a girl, but I was wrong.
I think you should give it time with men. They don't want to be hearing about expectations too early on. I wanted to get married within a year but it ended up being 3 years. Best of luck to you!

I think maybe it's your emotional baggage that might be scaring men off....not the fact that you're asking them to love their future baby daughter more than anything. That part comes naturally for most people. I do worry that you're so fixated on having a girl, though. I'd hate to see you continue your mother's hateful cycle if you're blessed with a boy instead.

I'd say some more therapy is definitely in order here. Best of luck to you, sweetie!

It seems you have heard from a lot of ladies already, but I just wanted to say yes there are good men out there that love their children and are a good father. My oldest son (33) is a wonderful father of my three year grandson and my younger son is awesome with his girlfriends son and he is 30 so yes there are guys out there that love children and will be great fathers. You need to just wait for that right one and he will come along some day. Be patient.

And yes counseling for some of your issues is a good idea. You just need to keep positive because not all of the world is like the way you were raised and I'm sorry you had to go through that. But you can become the better parent when you are a mother - you say you want a daughter, but be prepared you may have a son one day because it is not our choice when we have our children.

Everything will work out for you!