Dont Know What to Do, Need Some Advice Please

Congratulations on your baby!! I have a boy and they are so awesome :) I think right now is a time to think about you, girlfriend. What is best for you and that little one you are carrying. Make your decision and stick with it, you are a mama now and we are tough when we need to be!;) If what you need is more stability and a place that you know will not fall through due to lack of funds after you give birth, then you must make that choice. It doesn't mean you can't still love your man, but you have to do what is best for you and baby. Sometimes a little nudge in the right direction will help a man get moving! As far as your parents go, they may be bossy, but it sounds like they love you and their grandchild. They want to feel that you are taken care of and provided for. It is ok for you to depend on them, they are your parents, it's what they signed up for. So just decide where you are going to move, and do it. Let everybody know and let you boyfriend know that you love him but this is what is best for the baby and that you look forward to being a family. It will all work out. If he is the guy for you, he will get his act together and start making some money to help with all that is on both of your plates. You are young, but you can do this and be a great mom. I think getting out of such a financially stressful situation will do wonders for your life and be a least a little less stressful! If you need a friendly ear feel free to msg me anytime. Congrats again!

I think you should move in with one of your parents or grandparents and let them take care of you. You may love your boyfriend to bits, but he will need to understand that this is what is best for the both of you. Lots of couple who love each other have to seperate for a while. My husband accepted a job out of town and I couldn't go with him because we could not afford two mortages, so he went and stayed with my brother out of town for 5 months until I was able to sell our home. If I would have gone, we would have had to get a place to live and ended up defaulting on something financially. You guys can still spend time together, but you just won't sleep in the same house. After my husband left, I would talk to him more then when we lived together. I would put the kids to sleep at 9 and we'd talk till midnight. If you both are committed to each other, it will work! Good luck.

I'm a 33 yr. old married woman and mom to a beautiful 16 mo. old son. Some advice that I would give is....you really need to think about you and your baby now...that is number one priority. If a baby coming into the picture doesn't wake up your boyfriend to get a job of any sort to have some income coming in ( and not to mention to take some of the added stress off of you) then I think you should move out and live with which ever parent or grandparent that you feel most comfortable with. It sounds like your boyfriend is not trying as hard as he should be maybe....he definatley needs to step up to the plate and figure out a way to support his family....jobs are out there, it may not be his ideal job or dream job but any job will pay the bills. I'm sure your parents just love you and want what is best for you and your baby! My husband worked out of town from the time our son was about 6 months until almost a year. It was really hard because ultimately it was like being a single working mom. Just because you move out temporarily doesn't mean that your boyfriend will not be there for his son and you. It just means that he needs to get his life together before he can support a family. You both are very young and true while this will force both of you to grow up before your ready maybe this will be the best thing to give your boyfriend a little extra push. take care and good luck with your baby, it is a true blessing.

C.

Congrats on your baby boy! There is no greater blessing than a child. I have a 5 1/2 year old boy and a 2 1/2 year old girl. Like you, I also got pregnant young and outside of marriage to a man with no job but 'was always looking' for one. I was always the one working and struggling to pay everything. About a month before I had my son, I got married. I thought it was the right thing to do but what a HUGE mistake!! If I would have just listened to that little voice in the back of my brain, and to my friends and family, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble. I continued to support us while he bounced from job to job to job with a lot of space between each job. PLEASE, DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE I DID!!!! Like you, I did not want to accept the help my family kept offering me and I never took their advice. I kept on thinking things would get better. THEY NEVER DID! PLEASE TAKE MY ADVICE.....Move in with a family member and let them help you! Let your boyfriend know that you will not live with him if you are going to be the only bread winner! He needs to prove to you that he can get a job and HOLD DOWN A JOB before you all live together. Being a family is being a team. He needs to get off the bench and be a team player. He needs to grow up, be a man and a father, and help support you and that beautiful blessing in your belly. Accepting help from your family does not make you less of a person! I am 28 years old and my kids and I live with my mother! I divorced shortly after my daughter was born. It took SEVEN YEARS for me to accept help from anyone. PLEASE MOVE IN WITH ONE OF YOUR PARENTS UNTIL YOUR BOYFRIEND CAN PROVE THAT HE WANTS TO BE A FAMILY! DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILD! You are already a great mother because you are taking the first step and evaluating your situation. You are already putting your child first. Now your boyfriend just needs to do the same.

I will keep you in my prayers.

First of all, Happy Birthday!

Secondly, I applaud the fact that you "recognize" there is a problem. Before we go any further we need to determine what love is: love prefers the other person, love respects, love sacrifices, love protects and provides.

Next, relationship is work and requires both individuals to do their part. I'd like you to recognize something... as women it is in our DNA to nurture both our children and our man. Since this is a part of our nature we sometimes don't know when to shut it off. You are still in the "nurturing mode" which is ultimately "handicapping him" by handling all of the household affairs. There's no sense of urgency to him even though he may desire to work.

You must determine what you are worth. Then you must determine what that worth looks like to you. Do you deserve better? Is it more important for the child to be raised in a home full of tension? Is that really the "ideal" environment for a child? Are you happy in the relationship? Why am I really with him? Do I really desire a future with this person?

Self-evaluation is going to be key. I'm not here to make your decision for you or to bash him either. My desire is to see you living up to your fullest potential and being the mother you need to be. Your whole world is about to change right before you and you don't have time to raise two children. You can do bad ALL by yourself.

May I suggest you think about distancing yourself from him until he gets his act together (get a job, etc.)? You have so much life ahead of you and so much time before you commit yourself to one person. Take some time to work on you and getting that baby here safely.

Trust me, I'm qualified to give you this advise. I had a child out of wedlock and raised her alone (with the help of my mother and sister). She is now a freshman in college and I'm happier now that I've ever been. I realize just because he was her father didn't mean I had to jeopardize my belief system or my ability to teach, train and guide her properly.

Email me anytime to talk. By the way, my birthday is tomorrow, August 28th.

I am so sorry that you have to be going through this now. We never know in the moment why we have these challenges only after when we have grown from our experiences. I will let you know a bit about myself...so you know I am speaking from the heart. I was 24 wks preg when my hubby left me after a 9 yr marriage. This was our first child...I had some really tough decisions to make with many telling me what to do...I didn't listen to most of them.

So back to you...I know you say you don't know what to do. but listen to your gut... not what you think others will say or think that you will be judged by them. In the end none of that matters- it is only their opinions. You know what is right... you are a mom now. You make the best choices you can and that will be the right one. As a 30 year old, divorced single mom of a wonderful two year old- I want you to know that it will be alright...yes, decisions have consequences, so protect yourself and child first and the rest will come.

Hang In There! If you need any services (WIC or Financial assistance) Dial 221 from a land line to get more info.

Look into getting a Doula for your birth (some are free) to be that unbiased person at you side during your delivery.

If you need more help please let me know!

-Shari

Congratulations on your baby boy!! I have two little boys and they are the lights of my life-- they're so much fun! About your situation-- I really think you should move out of that apartment and go live with your mom. I really think your mom and stepdad will do everything in their power to help you with your baby, which will mean a lot to you. Since you work for their company, I'm sure you could take as much time off as you want, and you'll have that job waiting for you whenever you want to go back. In this situation, you'll have a nice place to live with supportive, loving family members, and you won't have to struggle to make rent in an apartment that you hate. Your mom and stepdad are going to fall so madly in love with this baby (as are you), and they're going to want to help you take care of him. This will help you if you want to go to school at some point, or even when you just need a break. Remember: your mom loves you more than life-- you'll understand how much once you hold your baby boy for the first time-- and she'll always have your back. Your boyfriend sounds like he's just not stepping up to the plate-- he could surely get a job somewhere. You don't want to have to support him for your whole life. He can still be a part of your son's life, but this way you aren't stuck supporting him. By the way, my sister-in-law was in your situation-- she got pregnant at 18, and her boyfriend wouldn't get his act together, so she moved in with her parents, had her son, and worked nights. She ended up meeting a really great guy that she married, and he legally adopted her son. They've since had two more children, and they couldn't be happier. Another friend of mine got pregnant at a young age, and her boyfriend wasn't on board with the program, so she lived with her parents and worked part-time. And then she and her daughter's pediatrician (a young, single guy) fell in love, and now they're married with three more children! So think of the big picture: don't get scared and think that if you don't stay with your boyfriend, you'll be all alone. You'll have the love and support of your family, and you'll meet someone else one day, someone who's worthy of you. If your boyfriend can't get motivated to get a job, I say kick him to the curb! Try not to be sad; when you hold your little boy, you'll have the new love of your life! Good luck!

Take all the help and advice your family is giving. This boy you love whom is the father of your baby will show his true colors soon enough. I have a feeling he is not going to make you or your baby happy. A real man supports his family any and every way he can. And he doesn't sound like a role model for a child. Or a good catch. Don't listen to what he says -watch what he does.

You poor thing. I was in the same situation when I had my son, I was 20 and working full time. The father was my boyfriend but he had a job and everything looked like it was going well. After my son was born he decided to get another job and he wasn't making squat. So i started working overnights and basically missed out on the first year of my son due to the grogginess and all. If your parents are willing to take you in.. GO for it!! I regret not moving with my parents, it would have been a lot less stressful. That doesn't mean you have to break up with your boyfriend or anything, just tell him, Hey I need more stability, when you get a job that can support ALL three of us, we can talk about moving in together. But with a newborn, you're not even gonna be able to talk coherently let alone support a family. Trust me I've been through it and I wish I had listened to my parents..even though they were really irritating at the time. At least if you live with one of your parents, you know you're gonna have a roof over your head ( and your son's) no matter WHAT. Just explain it to him, don't get caught up in the emotional aspect of things. He will stick around for his son, and step up to his responsibilities. GOOD LUCK!!!!

You need to put yourself and the baby first. This guy may have been a good boyfriend but he doesn't seem to be ready to step up to the plate and take responsibility to be a good dad. I really thinking moving in with one of your parents at least for a while would be a good idea. At least for enough time to have the baby and get back on your feet. Perhaps in the meantime your boyfriend will figure out your serious and get his act together. Good luck!

If you think your boyfriend is yelling at you and your mother now, just wait until there's a crying baby that he can't control. Then the yelling will really start. Your pregnancy may be a situation beyond your control at this point, but your future and the future of your child are not outside your control. Take charge of your life today. Move out today. Allowing your boyfriend to mooch off you while you are working and pregnant is enabling him to continue in this behavior. Tell your boyfriend that when he has a job and a suitable home for you and your child, you will be happy to move back in and live together as a family. Until then, he will be welcome as a visitor to your parents or your grandparents home (wherever you end up). Don't let a momentary lapse in judgment at 18 years old ruin the rest of your life. If your boyfriend is ever going to be a suitable father or husband, he must make supporting you a priority TODAY!

Move in with a family member!! It is not like you are "30".

My cousin, had alot going for her, gets pregnant and married. Only one bringing home $. Preg again and still only one bringing home $. 5 kids later, still only one working and takes care of the household totally. Used to make excuses for husband now is only staying because she needs the little help that he does give. Like picking up kids from school while she is at work and little things like that. She got in a rut at a young age and is living in a ditch so to speak now and has been for years. Her oldest is 17. Your 18, not to sound to harsh but you do not know what love/relationship is. You will argue that I am sure of it but it is true. Get out while you can and love that baby boy. Once you have him you will know what love is. I no it is differnt because he is your baby but it is just a point. Your boyfriend will be an awful example for your son it seems from what you say!! Get out now. no more fighting and dealing with your boyfriend!! Get out now! You will be happier in the long run. Focus on you and your baby!!! Good luck and think "MY BABY" not "just me" or "boyfriend"!!!!!
Yes, it may have been unresponsible to get preg at such a young age(I am could of easily been preg at 15) but do not let your decision affect your baby. Be responsible now and get away from your boyfriend until he can prove and continue to prove that he can be a man and take care of you and the baby not the other way around!!!

Hi,
I really feel for you. It is very hard work having a new baby. I thought that it was going to be easy, but I was wrong. I stronly advise you to move in with one of your family and then when your boyfriend has more stabitliy get your home together. When the baby arrives life is so hectic and exhausting that you will need your mom anyway. Do what is best for you and the baby. It will give your guy a giant wake up call too. Guy's want you most when you are not there.
I wish you the best of luck and a happy, comfortable delivery.

W.

Right now you enabling your boyfriend to be a bum. I'm sorry that sounds harsh but I have been there myself 10 years ago. You have to take responsibility for yourself and your baby, your boyfriend is a grown man and it is time he grew up. Why don't you want to move in with your mom? If it is just because of your boyfriend then maybe this is the wakeup call he needs. If he still can't turn it around for himself then the last thing you need is two children to take care of (baby&boyfriend). Besides, if your stressed now when the baby gets here and you are exhausted from sleepless you will need your mom's support. The best thing you can do for the baby is to be as calm and stressfree as possible so you are able to relax, enjoy, and bond with your baby. Your baby will always have his father but he also deserves the best possible home life.

Well, I usually don't like to just hand out my opinions, but it sound like you could use some advice from a 33 yrs. LOL

Girlfriend, I would move out. The job market in Houston is sooo good, there's something very suspicious about all these jobs just falling through. I don't really believe it. You just wouldn't believe all the things babies need and guess what, they all cost money so anywhere or with any of the who's that you could live with would help you out so much financially.

Even if it was only for a little while while boyfriend gets his act together. Maybe you leaving will be the push he needs, you know?

I wish you the best. It sounds like you are very smart and mature and will make a good mother, but you shouldn't let a man ever, ever keep you from giving your Son everything you possibly can which is not only Money, but stability and a good example of hard work as he grows up.

Let us know what you decide. All the best for you and the little guy!

I know what you are going through. I had my daughter at 19. Im now 40 and she is in college. I had the same mentality about taking assistance from others. Now, I don't know what I would have done without my parents and my family. It is true when they say it takes a village to raise a child. It does not mean you are weak if you allow others to help make your and your childs life better. We all need a hand every now and then. Another person is coming into your life and you have to become the parent & a role model. Think about what you feel a good parent would do in this situation. What advise would you give your child? There is no greater love in the world than what you will feel for your child.
It may be your boyfriend is scared of the responsibilties of parenthood too. However, you have to start taking care of yourself and your unborn child. Maybe by you moving in with your parents, he will realize you need a man who is going to step up to the plate and work together with you instead of against. You have to be on the same page to raise a child and make a relationship work. My suggestion is to not say it too him in an accusing manner, but, tell him why you would be moving in with your parents or grandparents for a while. To save up money, to have assistance when the baby is born, to take some pressure off him and let him figure out what he wants to do.
Feel free to contact me if you want. I don't want to scare you, but, I know what you are going through. I put men in front of my child for many years and it has effected her. If I could change anything, it would be to have been a stronger role model for her. Don't wait until your my age to make your child a priority.

My husband was 21 when he and his ex-wife found out they were expecting a little girl (my now 14 year old step daughter). Of course, he had a little bit of college, but he started out as an AB for Tidewater. You or your boyfriend could google "tidewater". He has to be a hard worker, but if he works hard he could move up with the company. My husband went back to school and finally got his degree in 2004. He is now a boat captain, and making really good money. He does work overseas, but there might also be some jobs out of the gulf of Mexico. He should check it out. I know he might be gone a lot, but he would be able to provide for your family.

There are several programs for young pregnant and parenting moms in Houston where you have your independence, work or go to school, and they set you up in a living situation and help you get on your own feet as a new parent. You can call me at collaborative for children and I'll give you the numbers ###-###-####).

As for your relationship: It seems that your boyfriend is being immature and irresponsible, if he is not getting work and paying his share---whether or not you are in the picture or having his baby. The costs and time demands of having and raising a child are very large(childcare alone is as much as rent each month), and if he is not even taking care of his own life, financially, how can he be a partner with you now or in parenting? If he hasn't gotten himself to a local Workforce Solutions office for job counseling and solid job leads, tell him to go right away and step up to being a man with a child on the way. There are fathering programs in Houston as well.

First let me congratulate you on your new baby boy to be!

Now to the issue at hand. I think the answer is obvious. You don't like your apt., boyfriend doesn't have a job, maternity leave will not cover all the bills, parents (all four) want you to move in with them, etc..... I think we know where this is going right now. Utilize the support your parents are offering.

(short story) I met a lady yesterday who has a 7 mo. old baby. Her boyfriend left her. She is from Africa and her entire family is back home. She works at Walmart and has no support. Childcare is draining her Walmart salary.

Reviewing the info. you give, moving in with your parents is not a bad idea, especially since you are having a baby. This is a very important time in your life and you will need support. Since you work for your dad and stepmom, I think moving in with your mom and stepdad would be a better choice for balance.

I have a question for you. Does your boyfriend love and respect you? You mentioned you love him, but does he love you? Is he giving his life for you? If he loves and respects you, he will undersand and agree your move and give it the blessing it needs. I hope you two have talked about this in depth. I believe some changes must be made for you two to be in a better position to raise your precious baby boy!

Concerning your boyfriend and his job hunt, as long as he is trying, praise him for that. Touch lightly on the subject...asking "how is it going?" and then drop it if he doesn't want to talk about it. Let him know you support him.

Making a wise choice is sometimes hard to do when our "self" wants to do one thing, but yet we know the right thing to do. Life isn't always the way we want it, but we must make right choices for the blessings to happen.

When the arrival day comes, I hope the best for you and your new addition. I hope your boyfriend finds a job real soon and life becomes better balanced for the two of you. Then maybe we will hear wedding bells!!

Take Care!

Deborah

I can completely understand your situation as I had my first child at 18! I was in college and although I was not working I was in a similar situation with my boyfriend (now husband). I think you need to lay it out on the line for him and tell him that if he does not get a job in the next month you are going to have to move out and without him. I know you love him and you want everything for your baby but if he is really going to step up for you and your son he will make the decision when you lay it out there. The biggest struggle however, is that you have to be willing to move out if he does not get a job.

There were times I know my parents wanted to make me move back home and they did not agree with my boyfriends choices but we have come a long way and now have 2 beautiful children and are married. I gave him several deadlines and either you come or not type choices and in the end he made the right decisions.

It's going to be a tough road but keep your head high. There is no one to blame for the gifts that God has given you, you just have to take those gifts and do your best to care for them. Have a child is a blessing and will bring so much joy to your life but you will also have struggles. Prepare yourself to battle with your boyfriend but he has a choice to make, grow up and be a family or you will need to move on.

Best wishes for a happy pregnancy!

Hi C. V, I'm a 41 yr. old mom, my daughter is two...this is my first child...I'm kinda going throught the same situation. My daughter's father has no job, he's 41 as well. I've been blessed b/c I make okay money, I do live with my Mom, and she'll always trying to make me see the light as well, which doesn't work, b/c we have our own opinions. Although I talk him daily on the phone, I'm slowly backing away...it is sad that my daughter will not have her dad on a daily basis, but he just doesn't think right. Just that fact that contributes, not a dime to her well being/financially shows that. After you have the baby, you're going to be really tired for about a year 1/2, the delivery is the easy part. I believe time will reveal to you what you want and what you do want. If he's not making a real effort now, he just possibly doesn't really want to work and there are just people that don't want to work in this world. If that's the case, it won't last long my love, you won't want someone like that in your life. We want to be pampered and put on a pedistal, we want the good life, not the hard rocky road. There are rich, good looking, charming, wonderful godly men out there, why not...why shouldn't we get one...why not us?I'll be looking for one also...God Bless you and your little one...TammyT

Hi, just wanted to add my two cents. First congrats on your baby boy! I have 2, and they are lots of fun. And they love their mamas! And I just want to say you are already being a good mom just by confronting this problem instead of ignoring it. And you have A LOT going for you.. . A boyfriend who is still with you. Parents and grandparents who care enough to help you, and are in a position to help you. You need to take that help now, for the sake your baby. It may be hard on you and your relationship with your boyfriend, but like someone else said, couples can and do live apart sometimes for all kinds of reasons. Either way, you will know what you need to know. He will either get a job and be a responsible adult (like you are) or he will not. Give him some time to prove himself, but also do not accept excuses. If having a baby to support is not enough to motivate him to work hard, then what is? It may be a character issue, in which case you should RUN before you end up really being 30 with more children and fewer options.
I think it is a good thing that you are hesitant to accept the help, because it shows you are independent and smart enough to see potential complications (too much interference from well-meaning family members, etc.), however, sometimes we have to do things for our kids that we would not do just for ourselves, and that's what makes a good mom.
Hope that helps,
A.
PS If your parents/grandparents give advice, and you know it is coming from the heart and for your own good, please consider it. It's harder to do when you are 19 and trying to assert independence, and you certainly shouldn't let them run your life, but you are still very young and could probably benefit from an older person's guidance. Best of luck to you.

Hi. Im sure that everyone has an opinion which is why this site is so great. I think that it is very hard and scary to be a mother at such a young age but now that you have taken on the task you need to stand up to the challenge. Your decisions from here on out aren't just about you anymore and matter of fact you now take a back seat. They become all about what is best for the little gift from God in your belly. I understand as Im sure everyone who cares for you does that the baby's daddy is looking for a job but even in this day and age he could go down the street and get a job at any fast food or chain restaurant until he found something better to keep money coming in. Putting you in the position you are in is way too stressful. If I was in your shoes I would sit him down and stress how much being a family means to you and then give him a deadline to get a job. Let him know that if he doesn't then you will be moving out of the apt and into either one of your parent's homes for the near future. Let him know that while you may not want to break up with him you need help and he isn't giving it, financially or any other way possibly if things are tough right now. You need to decide how long you are willing to wait to see what he does and decide where you want to live and with who. I would pick the parent you are closest to as well as the one you think could support and help you the most. I am a single parent who is 39 years old and even know if it wasn't for the help of my mother I don't know where I would be.

Good Luck!

Yes, you do face some serious problems, the first of which is blaming yourself for the pregnancy. You didn't do that yourself, it takes two. You did not mention your boyfriend's age. Is he a teen-ager like you, or is he an adult. Is he looking for a "job to support a family" or is he looking for a "possion"? The two of you need to sit down (probably more than one time) with a family counselor and figure out what is wrong with your situation. If he is satisfied with letting you carry the whole load now, that will never change, and the love you feel for him now will eventually change to resentment. Do not seek advice from either set of parents, they are too close to the situation. As for hating your apartment, you have to live where you can afford to live, and until he starts sharing the load, you're stuck...with more than a lousy apartment.