Expanding Your Family?

A., it's a really tough decision and one each woman (couple) has to make for themselves. especially in these tough economic times, a lot of times finances are a huge concern. that's my biggest hangup. do we really need another child? what for? would we be fine without another one? probably. but it's our instict as a female human being that drives us to reproduce. i just mostly wanted to say, i'm not certain most people are ever 100% sure. there's always concerns and doubts as to whether it's the right thing. what if you bring this child into the world, for your own reasons, and it has major health problems? what if something happens? there are always risks. i think it's like a lot of people say, you're never really "prepared", so you either just go for it, or you wait. try weighing the pros and cons, reasons for and against, having another one. maybe that will help. i've found most of the times questions like yours usually lead to the person convincing themself that what they truly want to do is the "right" answer. so as time goes on you may start to lean more one way than the other, more often...then you'll know. good luck. give it time and you'll figure out what you really want.

Hi A.!
I was also going to say that I could have written this, but then I noticed you only have one child. At this point, I have 2, and I am unsure, well pretty much leaning towards no more kids, my pregnancies were miserable and I feel like I couldnt properly give any more kids the attention they need, I mean I would if I had to, but I think of how much attention my 1st got, and now I cannot give my 2nd the same amount because I have to juggle both of them. Imagine another one!
But I will say, when I was pregnant and miserable with my first child, there was NO doubt in my mind that I wanted to have more than one child. Not just for me, but for my daughter. At that point if someone told me, thats it, you cannot have any more children, I would have been devastated. SO I did know. But now that I have two, I have some doubts, but then slap some sense into myself.
My daughter was almost 4 when my son was born, so she was the only child for a long time. One Christmas I got really sad that she didnt have anyone to share it with. I mean she had me and her dad starring at her, but I dont think its the same as sharing stuff like that with a sibling. Thats when I started getting cracking on her little brother!
At times I know shes jealous, but I know she wouldnt trade him for the world, and they truly, truly love each other, and will always have each other when my husband and I are gone someday.........Just my thoughts. =)

You NEVER regret having another child because once they are here they feel like they have always been, but on the other hand I know a lot of people who regret not having another. As long as it is affordable (and you can raise a baby on the cheap: breastfeed, cloth diaper and hand-me-downs). I think if you are unsure then you are unsure and that is fine- great even but don't make any lifetime commitments to not have another child until you are totally sure- 1000%, I am pretty sure that when you are done you will truly know. Good Luck! A.

Hi A.,

I would wait until you feel 100% sure-- because as you know, there is NO turning back :)

Funny, I could've written this post! I've been contemplating having more children and it especially comes up when people ask, "are you done?". HOw are you supposed to answer this! Now the difference is that I already have 3 children but always wanted a big family. I also believe the best thing you can give your child is a sibling! I started thinking I may be "done" b/c I get really sick during pregnancy and it hasn't gotten better w/ ea. pregnancy. I question if this is selfish of me. Also, we did just this past summer get rid of a lot of our baby stuff but I've started to regret that (although I know I can always buy new stuff). I have finally come to the conclusion that my answer for now is "not right now." A couple of years may change my mind. I think you just have to keep re-evaluating with your husband. I, personally, want to be open to God's will for me and my family so I don't want to be in control so to speak, because I know His plan is better than mine could ever be! This doesn't mean we are to be careless and I don't believe God wants us to have 50 babies. But I just want what God wants for us. So I will continually pray about it and if I and my husband feel led we want to be open to it. And at this time we know it is not the right time for us, sick or not.

Hi A.,
I think that as women we almost feel like we're "supposed" to want more than one. I struggled with this. No one I knew had just one! So, I wavered back and forth a bit, but ultimately when I thought of the middle of the night feedings, the "gear" that goes with them, the car seats, the not sleeping, etc. I realized that I didn't want to do it all again. The 3 of us have a good thing going and I didn't want to change that. There are still times that you wonder, especially when someone around is having a baby, but ultimately you know what's in your heart.

Good luck!
Jenn

I think it's just something you know - just a gut feeling. You'll know when you are ready or when you are not. Just go with your gut feelings. I knew when I was on the delivery table with my second that I wanted a third. Trust your instincts.

Hi A.!! I have a 21 month old daughter and for me, the question of whether to have another child was never an issue. It was WHEN to have a second child!! My husband and I have always talked about having several children and wanted them fairly close together. Here's the reasons I want 2 (or more) children:

1. I want my daughter to have siblings to play with, to fight with, to share secrets with, to build forts with, to splash in the rain with and talk with late at night.

2. I enjoy large family get togethers and want this for my children. My husband has 8 siblings so our holidays with them are always busy and fun filled.

3. I love the sound of a full house with people doing things in every room and wanting or needing my help with homework, wanting me to play with them, etc. I love the chaos that a big family entails!!

4. I love my daughter and my husband and want more children with him so that I can share my wisdom, love and life with!!

If these reasons make sense to you, I would suggest revisitng having another child. By us having a second (due in September), there are things we'll go or do without, including:

1. Expensive (or cheap) vacations - until the kids are older and we have more money saved and I have vacation time saved (as maternity leave depletes this every time!)

2. New cars (we have an 03' and 06' and don't plan on buying new).

3. Going without expensive clothes, shoes, makeup, toys. Buying used toys, taking hand me downs or occasionally getting something new.

4. Not going out very often - to eat (because it's hard with a toddler and baby) and it's expensive.

5. Less sleep than we did before. Because with kids,you are always on their schedule. And with two, you are on two other kids schedule before your own!

Spending more time at home with our family is what we'll do most of the time and that is what we enjoy!

I feel like I am on the fence now too, but the truth is that we are definitely ready for another baby. There are going to be days where you look at your child and thing "I love her SO much but what have I gotten myself into?!? There's no way I can handle two of these!" I've found that I have more days when I look at our 3 year old and think, "I love her SO much and it will be great to have another little addition to our family!" We know that we are ready for another one, but even now I have days when I think I'm out of my mind. Pray about it and remember that it doesn't have to be today. You've got plenty of time to make a decision!

Have you considered that you might have mild depression? Sometimes, caring for a toddler, a husband, a household, etc. is overwhelming and the thought of another baby can be quite daunting! There are many good meds out there.
Also, although no one is truly ready nor is there truly the "right time," I'd advise not having another baby until you have your hormone levels checked and you can also rule out depression (or treat it). Babies are a lot of work and you need to make sure that you are up to the challenge.
Whatever you decide, make sure that you feel relatively comfortable with your decision. If you decide that one is enough, than it will be right for your family. If you feel ready for another baby (now or years down the road), then it will be right for your family. Trust your instincts, your doctor's advice, and your husband's input and the answer will come to you. Don't rush to sell the baby stuff. If you choose to have another, then you have to go through the expense of buying it all again. If you choose not to have another baby, you can sell it a few years down the road.
Best of luck! I KNOW that with God's help you will make the right decision for you and your family.
K.

Hi A., well first I would ask myself "Do I enjoy being a mom?" Do you enjoy your lifestyle right now w/ your husband and little girl? These aren't questions for you to answer to me or anyone else but for you only to consider w/ yourself. You have to be honest with yourself. The fact that you have one child and you are questioning having another raises the question of "are you really having fun with this". My first was a colicky difficult baby and I was nervous to have another I must admit however it was never an option as I knew in my heart I wanted more. I just did. Well I had 2 more! In my opinion I think you should have one more so your daughter has a sibling. Of course there is nothing wrong w/ just having one however you have to realize that at some point in your daughter's life (and it may be a small part of her childhood or a large part) she will wish she had a sibling. In my experiences, she will either never get over it or she will eventually see the good side of it and become very thankful she is the only one! Everyone is different. Be patient. Maybe you need a little more time? Don't sell your baby stuff yet! Besides aren't you emotionally attached to any of that stuff still? Or are you dying to end that phase of your life? Ask yourself these questions...and take time...Good luck!! R.

Maybe look at the logistics instead of the emotional side. Do you feel like you can afford another baby? (None of us can really, but you know what I mean.) How many kids were in your family? Your husband's? How did you each feel about that - did you like being an only child/the oldest of 6, etc? How far apart were your siblings? Did you wish you were closer in age or not? How old are you now? Do you feel like another baby would be too difficult for you physically? I'd make a list and see what turns up. I'd like to say I was ready to get pregnant with our second, but for me it came down to: 1) I definitely wanted 2 kids based on my experience growing up, 2) I really wanted our kids to be about 2 years apart, and 3) I'm in my mid-thirties and didn't want to be much older before being done. I liked being pregnant, and I loved when our daughter was born, but I'm dreading the C-section I'll be having in November. That was the main holdup for me and why I put off getting pregnant a little longer than I had planned. So it was really more of a mental decision than emotional one for me. good luck!!

Hi A.,
I have 3 kids, 12 (G), 6(b) and 4(b). I always knew I wanted the possibilty of 3 kids. But that's just me. When I was pregnant with my 2nd, I always wondered how I was gonna love another child as much as I loved my first. She was my life, even though I knew I wantd more kids. I couldn't imagine loving somthing so much again the way I loved her. Like I questioned myself if I had enough love to give another child. Plus, she was in kindergarden. I think the most popular question from people was 'you have such an independant child, are you ready to go all the way back to diapers?' Sure enough, once my son arrived it's like my heart grew, and I couldn't imagine what my life was like without him. Before I found out I was pregnant with #3, my husband was happy with just the two kids, I was unsure. But everytime I saw a baby and little baby clothes I was still in AWE and got all cutesy. I still had that little craving for a small bundle of joy. I finally convinced my husbad to try for #3 and we decided to do it in that coming Fall. Well we went to Hawaii that previous June and came back with him being a bun in the oven. Again, once he was here I couldn't imagine myself without him and I felt complete.
After him, I knew I was done. Even now, I don't have that craving, I guess I'll have to wait about 15 years for that "grandkid craving".....wow even that seems too soon. Do Iwant to go back to the diaper stage now? NOWAY! My youngest is birth control in itself. He's a handful. Good thing he was the last one or my 3 kids would have been 2.

All I can say is if you do not feel totally complete, you may be meant for more kids. You really are not gonna know this until you have moment where the light comes on. It may be seeing a baby in the store, it may come in a dream or even the next missed period and you feel disappointed if the pee stick says "no", and you secretly wished for a "yes". No one can tell you the certain "way" to know if you really should or would want another child. If you and your husband have the means for a second child, have the room and the willing to accept another baby. Give yourself some time, don't "try" for another, just don't prevent it either. If it's meant to be it's meant to be. You may have your pee stick say no a few times and you either feel disappointment or relief. If you feel disappointment the first time, just imagine the excitement when it says yes. If you feel relieved at the no, then you are probably done. Your instincts will kick in and let you when you are at the bridge, and ready to cross.

Hope this puts it all in simple terms.

good luck!

FWI- I have a friend. Both her and her husband are only children. They had a son and realized that theyr son did not have any aunts or uncles, because they were only children. Both sets of grandparents are in their mid-late 50's. In 20-30 years from now the grandparents would be gone of course. What if somethin to my friend and her husband. Thier son would be left with no family. No aunts, uncles or parents. Just friends, and hopefully a wife to say the least. So they added in a sibling for him. Just a little story I thought I would share. she was in the same boat you are, just she was leaning on only having the one child until her mom pointed out that senerio.

we have 3 wonderful kids. I thought I was done at 2, but I left it up God, and I could not be happier. I cried when I found out I was pregnant with my third, but she has made our family complete. God gives me what I need, but not what I think I want- he is awesome!

I would say that you probably need to have a serious talk with your husband, find out where he is. Maybe that would help you make up your mind of where you are. It sounds like you are fairly happy with your family situation, but are open to the idea of expanding if it were to happen. Good luck!

Hello A.. I am not sure how old you are, but I can tell you from an older mom, giving birth and raising children, in my opinion is way easier when you are younger. I talk from experience. I married my husband and had a baby, twins actually, at the age of 39. It's much easier to raise kids when you're young. We have a tendency to get crankier being old farts. And your only child would benefit greatly from having a sibling to develope social skills and just generally not feel alone. If you're finanically able and your hubby would like more, I would encourage having at least one more. Sincerely, R.

I knew the minute I had my first that I wanted another one. This may just be due to the expiring clock (I was 41 when I had my first). My husband comes from a large family and he definitely knew he wanted at least 1 more. I think it is a question of do you have the time, financial ability and resources to take care of more than one. I think if you are toying with the idea, you probably do want another.

A.,
You got some great responses, and as you can see, all the personal stories in the world can't make the decision for you. I have 1 daughter, almost 2 years old, and I am now almost 3 months pregnant with #2. I used to think I didn't want children at all...now I can't imagine my life without kids. My first pregnancy was actually planned, even though I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to have kids...I just felt sure enough that I wasn't 100% sure I DIDN'T want kids! Does that make any sense? I still get tearful thinking of what I almost missed...Now...the minute my daughter was born, I was ready to do it again! (well, not really, but I knew I wanted more kids and at least 1 sibling for her). We knew we wanted a couple year spacing, so we waited. When it came time to start trying, I balked a bit...I was a little torn...I mean...logically, I want another child, a sibling for my daughter, especially with the moves we'll be making...but my daughter was hitting the trying 2's and physically, mentally, and emotionally my easy baby was becoming a bit demanding and a challenge. and there are even days now that I think, "What was I thinking?!?"(but am truly happy to be expecting another). It's also tough to imagine going back to all the sleepless nights and whatnot, but in a strange way, I'm now looking forward to it (now that 1st trimester misery is wearing off!)
So...the real question you need to ask yourself isn't "Do we want another baby?", but rather, "Do we want another child". Fast forward through those short baby years and try to picture life with 2 kids...a bit more independent...and see how that sits with you. That's something that really made a difference to me...picturing a family a the dinner table with 2 or more kids...watching the kids play together, going on vacation together, confiding in each other...having someone to share their childhood memories with even long after we are gone...
In the end, either outcome will work out! It's like those "Choose your own adventure" stories...the endings are different, but all are pretty cool! (Hope I didn't date myself too much there!)
Good luck with your decision.

Hi A.-

I feel the exact same way. I have a daughter, almost 2 & I'm starting to feel that if we want to have more, we should be trying now. Then I start thinking about how our dynamic is hard enough without an infant in the mix. We live in a state where we have no family or support. My husband works long hours & I work part-time. I wonder & worry how a new baby would test our abilities. I'm not the type of person who would get pregnant, then start asking the important questions. When I see how high maintenance my daughter now is, I think I'd be depressed to find out I was pregnant right now. So I wonder if mom who have more than 1 just realize the first few years will be super difficult but the pay off is later on, when they're more self suffient. Who really knows?

You might want to think about your personal goals & see if you can do them with more kids or if you could achieve them after a few years if you did decide to have another baby. Some think this is selfish but I find that many of my stay-at-home friends wish they'd considered their personal career ambitions before having so many kids & are now feeling cornered in for another 5 years or so. My personal ambitions cannot be delayed indefinitely (I'm an attorney) & it would have been easiest to have had babies back-to-back, but having one has been mostly too overwhelming for me. Why would I want more when I feel I can just barely handle one? Giving my daughter a sibling is a great gift & important, but not at the expense of my sanity. My issue is not with wondering if I have enough love. I do. My issue is with ability to emotionally handle a situation with little to no help and meet my standard of what I feel is acceptable parenting. I want to give my daughter the gift of a harmonious & healthy family life. That means no sibling for the time being. Not an easy decision to make, but once you start thinking about your priorities, I'm confident you will know what is right for your family. Good luck!

Don't sell the stuff just yet. You've only been married 4 years. You have one 2-yr-old. You may very well want another baby in the near future. Just wait a while and see. There's no need to set the decision in stone right at this moment. Keep the stuff....until you are sure. And in my personal opinion, a sibling is the best gift you can give your child.

I have four (two actually weren't planned,the first and last). You'll know when. I never really wanted one at all when the next oldest was two. Your daughter has been very dependent, has been a lot of work. As they get bigger they start needing you less and playing more on their own. I usually got the urge to have another when they were 3. Mine are all 4-5 years apart. I am WAY done now! :)

No one can give you that answer. One way to look at it is what you think is best for your child. Some stronglly believe being an only child is right. Personally, I think the greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling. Only a sibling can make fun of mom or recall family vacations, and help take care of the parents in their old age. Life is harder with more than one child but it's the long run that matters.

I knew that I wanted to have at least two children. I could not imagine my life with out my siblings, and would not want my child to go through that unless there was no other option. I wouldn't want my child to have to go through my husband and my deaths alone some day. But when it came down to time to start trying, I was back and forth. I felt like there were things that I needed to do for myself. I was uncertain when I wanted to get pregnant, and kept finding new reasons why it wasn't the right time. I realized it will never be the "right" time. You just have to go for it. The only thing I can tell you is that, for me, the second one is WAY easier than the first!!! I use the advise in the book Babywise to get my son scheduled, and he was sleeping all night at 7.5 weeks. The crying is so much easier to deal with, and I don't feel like I have to run in every time he makes a noise. I am not saying that we don't have crazy evenings sometimes, we definately do (especially when the 3 year old misses her nap), but the baby stuff is a lot easier when you have some experience.
There are so many pros and cons to having more children, and you just have to figure out which weighs more heavily for you.

When I was pregnant with my last baby, I was seriously concidering getting my tubes tied. I HATE being pregnant. My doctor gave me so really good advice at the time. He said if you are not sure, don't do anything permenant. Just because you don't want another one right now doesn't mean that you won't ever want another one. Your little one is still little and you have plenty of time to change your mind about things. This is not an all or nothing kind of situation. If you don't want all the baby stuff around, then get rid of it as long as you are ok with getting new stuff when you have another baby. Plus, you might have a boy next time and have to get all new stuff anyway. Don't rush yourself. When it is time for another one you will know.

2 years old is pretty young. You may hold off on selling all your baby stuff, it's hard to feel your baby is ready for another baby when they're that young (mine always came shortly after the two mark, and I never felt quite ready). If you never feel that way, you can sell it then.

K.

I remember when I had been so hurt by a boy friend, I was about 17 at the time. I decided that there would never be anyone out there for me and I would just live my life alone forever. My mother told me when it was right, when it was real love, I would know. I aksed her how I would know, and she said, you just will. When I fell in love with my husband there was no question about it, I just knew.

A few years ago my daughter resigned herself to living alone the rest of her life, she had never been in love and was afraid that she had missed it some how. She asked me how you know when it is really love. I told her that no one can explain that feeling, they just know. She said everyone says that, but how do you know, she was in tears. I had no answer for her but to tell her that, she would just know, it is a feeling that is unmistakable. She is now married and happier than I have ever seen her.

She now tells her friends, they will just know. They dont understand, but she continues to reassure them, they will just know.

Wanting another baby is like when you fell in love with your husband. You will just know, there will be no doubts. Trust that you will have the ability to see it when it is right.

As far as selling your baby things. I have 3 accidents, dont sell them, you never know what the stork has in store for you. And, you will love any accidents as much as you do the planned ones, trust me. You will.