Father's Day - Payback or High Road?

Payback is childish and really has no place in a healthy marriage. Two wrongs don't make a right so be nice and give him a nice father's day.

Two wrongs never make a right. Once something is "OVER", it should really BE OVER.
It's always sunnier on the high road! :)

The high road, without "overdoing it". Plan a nice, easy family-style day. And I agree with Bug - find more supportive, realistic friends.

So he was stupid, you both acted as adults and worked through it and now you are considering being childish because your friends who have no vested interest in your marriage said they would be disappointed in you if you continued to be an adult.

Tell your friends to grow up.

Pay back is something you would expect from a spoiled demanding witch ... so are you that?

You say: "However, two wrongs don't make a right either. He is a very emotional artistic type and if I blow off Father's Day, it will just lead to hurt feelings and more drama."

So you KNOW the effect it would have, but you're still considering it? Why? So everyone can be upset and miserable. You know that's not right. You are an adult, a married adult. Please act like one. Other wise his family's perception of you, is right on.

P.S. Consider finding new friends.

You say that your husband made amends by giving you a lovely gift and helping around the house and with the kids. I don't see any reason to punish him further. Step up and be the peace-maker for the benefit of your family.

I vote for high road. Why plan a miserable day?
Edit after your response: He isnt your Father, so just have the kiddo's do something for him, you really don't have to do any more than that. The day is about kids celebrating their parent. Most kids don't really even want to do anything until they've grown up and moved out, and most parents don't really need anything from their kids until they've grown up and moved out.
It's a confused holiday if you ask me.

Personally, I think payback is for little kids, not a married couple. What will that accomplish? He will be furious I'm sure, and you will be wandering around the city crying, again. I think you should maybe not go "all out" for him, but definitely show how you ( and the kids, after all thats what this day is about ) really feel about what he does around the house, and how great of a father he is. Why start a fight knowingly trying to upset someone you are supposed to support. And if he really is awful all the time, then maybe you should consider the bigger picture of how unhappy you might actually be. Best of luck to all of you this sunday, I hope you take the high road

If you don't want to give him a gift, give him something nice from your children.

Yes, he behaved badly, but two wrongs don't make a right.

Always take the high road no matter who you are dealing with.

Good Luck
God Bless

I know this is really really late, and for that I'm sorry, but I wrote you a poem that you can scribble into a hand made card for him next father's day. Since he's an emo artsy fart, maybe it'll get through to him. ;)

I express myself much better when I write than when I speak, so when I'm ticked off at my spouse I write him a letter. Sometimes they are novella's, other times, snarky little poems. Most of the time it gets through, but occasionally he's a thick brick and requires something a bit less delicate to make him understand how I feel. For example: breaking down into a snot-ball mess of a woman weeping piteously on the floor. Nothing makes an impression on a man like a woman's tears. They're pure nitro. Use with caution!

As an aside, next mother's day get devilishly sick. Massively contagious. *cough cough*. Feign death if you have to! Start your illness a day before mother's day. Get your husband to back up your "illness" and have him tell his mother that it's best if you all stay separated right now unless she'd like to catch the plague. It won't work every year but it could get you at least the next year free of MIL duty.

Happy Father's Day!

Most Mother's Days I hope and dream
To be honored, loved, held supreme.
But every year it is the same,
I wait and wish and hang in vain.

Some years I'm forced to entertain,
When other mothers far more sane,
Kick up their feet and sip a drink.
It makes me start to really think...

If I asked *you* to entertain
On Father's Day, would you refrain?
Or would you gladly give your day
To cook for Sally or Aunt May?

I know the answer in my heart,
Your day would feel most torn apart,
So I would not ask this of you.
Please consider my feelings too!

It wouldn't be a good example for the children to see their father disrespected by their mother on Father's Day the same way it wasn't a good example on Mother's Day for you to be treated poorly by your husband. You said yourself that he stepped up to the plate and you've made up with each other, yet that contradicts you saying that you still haven't forgiven him.

You can choose to forgive and move on, and enjoy the day with him... or you can intentionally make sure that he's unhappy and get revenge. At least when he did what he did it was out of insensitive "I'm not thinking" man-ness and he won't forget what happened and he won't do it again (one hopes). But if you go ahead with a "get back at him" plan, it'll be intentional.

No payback. Put that in the past.

It sounds like he has realized the error of his ways. However, dont go all out and over the top. Help your daughter make him a gift, get him a card, and buy his favorite cookies or sweet from the local bakery.

Take the high road. What you are feeling is absolutely ok! I would still be upset, too. He has sincerely tried, and there isn't anything else he can do about it now. This will be a lesson to the girls, that's true. It will also be a lesson to him. If you give him a good Father's Day, it will teach him that married people screw up some times, but they love each other and they show each other that love on a daily basis and especially on important days.

If you give him a great Father's Day, he will hopefully remember this next May and give you a great Mother's Day. If you do not, he will definitely remember that next May and be faced with a decision himself.

Give him every reason to appreciate you even more for the fabulous wife and mother of his daughters that you are!

Be mad at your husband all you want, but have the kids do something for him even if it's just some handprints on paper or a cheap frame with their scribbles. If he blew it, that's on him, but your kids should know the right way to go about things.
I'm divorced. Trust me. After a while, my kids didn't even need their dad's help to do things for me for Mother's Day.
Paybacks shouldn't involve the kids.

Just my opinion.

In my long experience of life, paybacks are, at best, only briefly satisfying, but they tend to provoke more payback. And vengeance tends to escalate, with increasingly bitter feelings on both sides. It can end marriages.

Negative lessons don't tend to "teach" anything positive, for children or for adults. Positive examples, though they may need to be repeated before they get through, do eventually tend to teach a more positive way forward.

Take the high road. Someday you'll be glad you did, and for reasons that may surprise you when that day arrives.

In case this is helpful, a bumper sticker I just love says "Forgiveness is surrendering all hope for a better past." Your husband apologized for his bad behavior. It's done. Let it go.

DO NOT go overboard for him. Have the kids make him something and perhaps buy him a little something. Have bagels or donuts that morning for him and cook a meal that he likes but is also easy. Don't let on you are getting him back-just be real nice but low key. I would seriously hope he would not even DARE to mention anything about it considering how terrible he was to you. It would be different if this were just an isolated incident where he f'd up and feels bad. Its not. This is how he chooses to treat you on special days. It speaks volumes about the kind of person that he is and he should not have excuses made for him. Artistic and emotional? Give me a break. There is no excuse for a mature adult to treat people like that. So for your own self respect do not go all out. I can guarantee you next mothers day you are going to be kicking yourself if you do.

Please take the high road! Even though he initially blew it, he did apologize and follow up with a nice gift.
Marriage is a process, it can take years to navigate the twists and turns. It takes time and patience to understand each other's desires and needs (heck, it can take time and patience to figure out our OWN desires and needs!)
You don't need to do anything big, maybe a nice card from you, a handmade card from the kids, and a framed photo of the kids or family in a daddy-themed frame?
BTW, I personally think your friends sound catty and immature :(

I would do neither...don't do a "payback" by doing nothing but don't take "too high a road" and overdue the whole day for him. I would do a little "in between road". Get him a card, write a little something nice in it and then either cook him breakfast (but not in bed served) or offer to go out for dinner (but not a real nice place either). That way you've made some effort and some small gestures and what would seem to be more than he does for you, but yet you haven't totally ignored it or overdone it either.

My vote is PAYBACK but I'm the a#@hole in my group of friends. You gave some additional insight to your husband never learning from his failed celebrations to the fact that you are the mother of his children so why continue to torment yourself that you always take the high road?

I say give him a dose of his own medicine and if other people think I am catty and immature, so be it!

Keep his day special but low key. I would NOT do as another posted suggested and " If you really want the best revenge, make his day really special. He'll feel like an A@%&* H$%^ all over again for what he did to you. In biblical terms we call this "heaping burning coals apon his head". See Romans 12:20."

First off, she totally missed the point...this is not about revenge. It is about forgiveness. He saw his mistake, changed his way and has been helping out more. Go with low drama and a good day. It is about turning the other cheek, and then again, and then again.

wow. I would still be mad if I were you! my gut reaction is to say screw him, get up early, go do your own thing all day and leave him alone... but, that would be the immature thing to do I suppose. I wouldn't go out of your way to do anything, maybe just make sure the kids do something nice for him?

Do you want hurt feelings and more drama? Did he apologize and get you a gift certificate and really step it up around the house? If I were you, I would take the high road. Treat him like you would like to be treated. We all know we don't act the way we should sometimes. So why would you want to continue???

I would take the high road but I wouldn't go out of my way to plan anything special.

That's a hard one. You feel like it's only fair that he gets the same treatment that he gave you, but is that right? And would that help or hurt your marriage. Marriage is hard and to make things work you need to think about everyone's feelings not only yours. That's one I have a hard time with. In my opinion, I'd say that you should treat your husband the way you wished you had been treated. Do something nice for him and maybe next year he'll give you the same treatment you gave him. Good luck!

high road is always the best...no matter what

What a Dink :-( Sorry YOUR day was so shitty. Shame on him for doing this and Not just once !!

I would have the kids make him a card ! THAT'S IT!!!!!!

Its not being Mean or malicious......... but WHY should HE be treated Extra Special by you?? he shouldnt

Take the high road, but only give him things from the kids. Hand made is best! Let him sleep in, get him donuts, that type of thing. But don't make a big deal or spend a lot of money.

It's really just another day - you know - like how he treats Mother's Day.

Be the bigger person and take the high road. How would you feel if you made a mistake, realized how wrong you were and then righted the situation, only to have it thrown back in your face?

Be a loving wife and celebrate Father's Day. That's what I would do!

lol. Take the high road and make him feel even worse!!! What a rotten way for all of them to behave on mothers' day. If you make it a pleasant day, it will be so much better for your whole family. :)

I know this sounds awful, but sometimes I have had to satisfy my own fury by getting secret payback. My husband still doesn't know where his favourite Australian Rugby jersey is (cut up in the trash) :0

I'm glad we don't have to live the law, "An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth". If we did we'd all be blind and gumming our food.

If you feel it necessary, tell him around Easter 2012 what happened this year and the year before. AND tell him what you expect for Mother's day in 2012. Ask him if he understood about two weeks later and on the first of May 2012. Then remind him the day or two before Mother's day. That will be 5 remnders. Then treat him on Father's day 2012 , like you were treated for Mother's day, 2012.

Good luck to you and yours.

Do something as a family. Either eat a nice brunch at home or go out to eat. Have cards. Maybe go to the zoo, minature golf or something that the whole family can do together.

I think you handled it VERY well. You weren't petty, but you tactfully gave him a taste of his own medicine.

This is why I'm glad Mother's Day comes BEFORE Father's Day!!!

You don't give enough info on why you were displeased w/ the idea of him cooking you and his visiting family brunch. I'm wondering about that. In 2010 I, too, had a crappy Mother's Day. Husband didn't plan a thing, didn't help our daughter make anything for me, etc. I was really, really bummed and made my displeasure known quite significantly. The next day he brought me roses, an apology card and gave me a heartfelt apology in person. Of course I accepted.

So what did I do on Father's Day the next month? I showed him how it's done. Made a beautiful breakfast, organized a special craft gift from our daughter, and also created something on Shutterfly that commemorated his Dad-dom. Then I made a picnic lunch and we went to the lake for the day. I thought about being petty, but he's a great dad and husband and I just couldn't do it.

If you think your husband will never "get it" then start telling him what you'll be doing on Mother's days in the future. Take your day by the horns and do something nice for yourself. As for his Father's Day this Sunday, I'd continue to take the high road. I think you'll find that if you take your day back (Mother's Day), you'll be less resentful about Father's Day.

I'm sorry and I totally understand where you're coming from. Most men are just really different creatures than us.

I really identified with your question...I too got nothing for Mother's day and woke up to him giving me ultimaetums and yelling at me.(This also happens on my birthday) I know that I have always taken the high road hopeing that he will learn by example, but I thought this was a great opportunity to get some insight, so I told my husband you needed a male point of view and he said:

He doesn't deserve anything just like he (my husband) doesn't. I asked, but what about if we show him what he should do, or we would like him to do, won't he get the message eventually? He said probably not, and all we are doing is reinforcing the behavior.

I got some insight into how he thinks, so it makes it seem that we should ignore him for Father's Day. I don't really want to, but the other way doesn't seem to do much good....so????

After reading your 'what happened', I tend to agree that you should do something, but don't go overboard. If he's always blowing you off and then apologizing to you later, don't go crazy for him cuz that's some BS!! I would do as other suggested and maybe plan an easy going morning where he can sleep in or have some donuts or something, but don't cater the whole day around him. Maybe in the back of your mind have some activities planned that you can all do as a family but I wouldn't let him get away with not having to do any "chores" or child care!

F that... i agree with your friends!!

do very very little... don't let him know it's a payback, just do what it takes to get by.. ie "happy father's day" and call it a day :)

good luck on Sunday

I would definitely just get him a card from you and the kids. Nothing super special. At least you are acknowledging it, but not doing something above and beyond what you normally would. If this were my husband, he would be lucky to even get a card =)

Don't act like the spoiled, demanding with they think you are...take the high road and treat him to a father's day that you think he would like.

And, next year be very specific and communicate your expectations as to how you think mother's day should go.

Both. If you really want the best revenge, make his day really special. He'll feel like an A@%&* H$%^ all over again for what he did to you. In biblical terms we call this "heaping burning coals apon his head". See Romans 12:20.

http://bible.cc/romans/12-20.htm

so how did father's day go? Really like the poem Nicole P made.

I wouldn't go too crazy on Father's Day. Don't make too much of a big deal of it. Atleast he realized he made a mistake. I didn't get anything for Mother's day except for the candle holder my daughter made in preschool. My birthday was a few days before. He gave me money and a hand printed card. I had to buy my own bday dinner. His birthday is this Saturday and Father's day this Sunday. I am not making a big deal this year. He didn't think of me too much so I am not going out of my way for him. He got upset cause I didn't plan anything for his bday. He always thinks that his bday is more important then mine. Mine is just another day to him. One year I took him on a hot air balloon ride and did a wine trail. All in the same weekend. Mine he took me out to dinner and that was the extent of it. So I am not to keen on going out of my way for him anymore. So I know how you are feeling. Do what you can but take it easy. Dont go overboard.

I feel you. It's hard, they are so clueless and fragile when you point things out that don't make them feel like heros. (even though they misstep and it's hurtful. ) Mine sabotages every holiday, then gets his feelings hurt when I don't bend over backwards for his bday! I think maybe do something small and say - hey, it really hurt my feelings when you volunteered me to work on mothers day when I wanted my own time. Be sure he knows what your expectations are.
It's hard when you react with what you think is payback because they don't see that it's you just reacting to their treatment to you. High road but with a conversation.

I read your Edit:
Then... you need to talk to him.
(Because Men are dense), you need to tell him, exactly... that EVERY YEAR, he does this and behaves this way, THEN expects the world on a platter for himself on Father's Day.
TELL him that.
Nicely and as calmly as you can.
Because, he does this every.year.
And, so he has a habit of it.
So, you need to tell him that.
Because, Men are DENSE and NO ability to self-reflect upon their own behavior.

Tell him, he blows you off, every year. Then apologizes. Then wants the world on his platter.
AND how your friends, are tired of him too, doing this to you... every.darn.year.
It is repetitive.
And since he does this every year, he has not learned from it. At all.

So, instead of trying to do to him, what he did to you... you simply need to explain to him, plainly and directly. Because- Men do NOT take hints, well nor do they catch on, to hints.
They only will hear, directness. Put in a calm voice, not nagging.

I can empathize with you.

You are right, taking the high road won't teach him anything, and payback isn't good either, so do the middle road. :)

Help your kiddos make handmade cards and his favorite breakfast. That should be enough. They way he portrayed you to his family is out of control horrible and he needs to get a grip.

Please don't go out of your way to dazzle him on Father's Day just because he expects it. Just honor him as a dad in a simple way. If he gets mad and throws a tantrum, then you have much bigger fish to fry!