First-timer Preschool Woes

It is definitely a process, and as long as you and the school are on the same page and they see that you are trying to work with him, they shouldn't kick him out. I am a little concerned though that the school isn't able to handle him. The teacher should be able to handle this behavior in the classroom without having to send him to someone else. He is doing fairly normal 3 year old behavior and they have to expect that and know how to deal with it.

If you need preschool for daycare, there has to be some kind of happy medium for this little guy. "Preschool" is not an essential activity for him, you certainly can take a look at your son as he is, instead of who you would like him to be, and decide that a structured preschool is not appropriate for him at this point in his life. If you forsee trouble down the road, then think long and hard about how devistating being expelled at age three will be for him; forget about how embarrased you will be if that happens, your focus should be on how this whole experience is effecting your son.

Take a long look at your strong willed child and think honestly about why he is going to preschool. Preschool will not help him be any further in school by the end of 3rd grade than he would be anyway, so you are not failing him academicaly for not choosing preschool, if that is what you mean by wanting him to be a success.

He will gain more essential success from being well behavied in a much less stuctured play based enviornment than he will from internalizing being in constant trouble in an environment that is beyond his developmental level. He has plenty of years ahead of him to learn to do circle time appropriately. Listen to what he is telling you with his behavior. This is not kindergarten, it is optional preschool.

I am sure that this is not what you want to hear, but playing is what kids do to learn at age 3, and the whole idea that they need to experience school this young is not at all the case. Maybe you could find something in between watching Dora all day and being expected to behave beyond his ablities (which are totally withing normal limits of three year old behavioral-developmental expectations, many three year olds are not able to go to "school" yet.) Find a place where he can play, be himself and learn appropriate self control over his stong will. Most of all, find a place where this little boy is not nicknamed for his misbehavior.

M.

Starting a new preschool is a big change for your little guy - his world has changed radically, so him acting out isn't a shock. Now that you're aware of what's going on, you can talk with him and let him know what type of behaviour is expected from him (possibly also try watching Lost after he goes to bed :) ), model it at home and be patient. Some kids take a while to transition from "free-range, do-whatever-you-want" daycare to a more structured environment - there's a little boy in my son's class (2-3 year olds) that 6 months in is still working through behaviour issues. It happens. He'll settle in when he's truly ready.

Each kid fits in at their own pace; your little guy sound very spirited and it also sounds like the preschool is willing to work with you. Keep an open dialogue with them; ask daily how things are going, what happened that day, and let them know of any big things that happen at home. Be patient. DON'T beat yourself up! This is a big change for your son and it will take a bit of time for everyone to adjust. Good luck!! Hang in there!!!

Not every child enters preschool having had the routine and group dynamics of a daycare center. One of the advantages of preschool is that it is still a play environment that teaches children about what is acceptable behavior not only with peers, but in a class room, or with a teacher. So much of preschool is training them so when they get to gradeschool they don't have to spend time teaching them what is expected behavior and those teachers can focus more on teaching reading and writing. Don't be ashamed that your kid wasn't in daycare or that he is learning and adjusting and it is a struggle, he had other the other benefits of a home childcare. A good preschool program should be prepared for all kids from either SAHM, home daycares or centers and should be ready for his adjusment period.

I agree with the other posters that they should have been informing you from the start that they had concerns and that he was being sent to the office. Unfortunately at age three there isn't much you can do to disipline hours after the fact, so it is vital that the school acts swiftly and appropriately with him. You should acknowledge his behavior at home, discussing what you expect of him in terms of respect and obedience with his teachers. I would meet with the principle and be proactive to say you are up for any suggestions they might have to help this process, but that you are concerned that he is acting out and want to know what they are doing to help him mold into the program.

If you still notice that they aren't helping or offering advice then I would seriously reconsider if this is the right program for your child. In my opinion if they aren't teaching him appropriate classroom behavior then they are training him to think acting out is tolerated. Of course other this behavior could also be because he just isn't mature enough for preschool yet or he is adjusting or the slight possibility there is something else going on like ADD, ect--- All of which GOOD schools should notice, identify, and work to assist the child with. But I think it would be so much worse for him to be trained to act innapropriately verses to stay in a home daycare environment for another year or to be sent to another preschool.

But don't feel bad, preschool is a time for kids to learn socialization and appropriate independant behavior in preparation for school. The intorduction to colors and letters are a part, but accademics aren't as important as in later years when it is expected that your child has learned "classroom behavior".

I can't wait to hear your 'what happend next' on this.

i'm a little concerned that the school hasn't been keeping you informed all along. you shouldn't be finding out down the line that your child has already been sent to the office many times.
you are doing the right thing by giving him consequences for bad school behavior, and by trying to work with the teacher to correct it. don't be so concerned about them thinking that you are bad parents, though. you need to base your reactions and consequences with your son on your own parenting philosophy and all round ethical code, not on how you think others are judging you.
there is no shame here. worry, yes, and it's good to find tools to forge ahead with. but stop feeling ashamed. he's only 3. he's not a hoodlum or a delinquent. he's a 3 year old who is naughty sometimes, as most 3 year olds are, and especially high-spirited ones. that stubborn will is going to serve him well in the future. you don't want to break it, you want to celebrate it even as you work with him on appropriate behavior.
the preschool should be a bit more flexible on solutions, and on working with you. 3 year olds are not obedient cookie-cutter creations. of course they cannot be infinitely patient with constant problem kids, but class clowns and cut-ups aren't bad kids. be firm and consistent with your reactions, praise him for good days, and above all, celebrate your little guy's unique and quirky personality. he does have to behave better, and he will. hang in there.
oh, and if he does get kicked out? all home daycare aren't about dora and the couch. you do have alternatives. so take a deep breath, discuss consequences with your husband and the preschool, and relax. it will be all right.
khairete
S.

As John Rosemond regularly suggests "kick him out of paradise" take away all his toys and gadgets, he will earn them back with acceptable behavior. As you stated he is a strong-willed child and is definitely pushing the limits of what he can do. (John Rosemond has a column in our local newspaper as well as a website. While I don't always agree with him, he has some pretty good advise.) Also, quit blaming yourselves, especially if this is a new behavior for your son. He's in a different environment with more structure than an at-home babysitting situation offers. Stand strong, be firm, and follow through with whatever consequences you set for his inappropriate behavior. If your son does something inappropriate at daycare then have him lose some privilige or activity that night, make your consequences appropriate and immediate-- don't wait for the weekend. Good luck you'll be fine, it's easier to correct the behavior at age 3 than at age 13.

Okay, he is just 3 years old. I 'm not sure where you are sending him, but he isn't physical. Three year olds are just like you describe your son, goofy and unpredictable. I know what you are going through, we have been through it with my 3 yo. I, too, got sick of the negative reports about the numerous time outs, mostly for saying no and for "potty mouth." The time outs became a game for him, he wanted them. I don't think our teachers had as much experience and could have handled some of his issues better with stern talk or ignoring. If they are sending him to the Director for what you are describing, it sounds like they don't have good classroom control. We started giving him a treat at home if he got no time outs at school and giving him lots of praise. I didn't punish him, because by the time I heard about it, the punishment wouldn't have been attached to the crime in him mind. We remind him every morning that there is to be no talking back to his teachers. At almost 4 now, he has made so much progress. I would chalk this up to age, and also wonder if you have the right school.

Our little one is pretty laid back, so I can't offer anything too helpful, but is finding another preschool an option? It sounds like the teacher(s) are not doing a good job dealing with this behavior, and I'm sure that there is another preschool program that might be a better fit.

It doesn't sound like he's "bad" (in the mean sense) but just high spirited, and the school (teachers & admin) should have the tools to deal with high spirited kids. If they can't I would suggest finding another preschool that can.

I've also seen recommendations for this book for parenting a spirited child. Maybe it might be a place to start? "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka.

First I would say that he is just a three year old boy! Then I would say that a month of misbehaving before you are told is unacceptable; however, it doesn't sound like it is really misbaving for child that age (except for his choise of words) but rather just immaturity.

Sounds like the teacher needs to have better control in her class...maybe there are too many kids for her to handle alone, is there an assistant or two? Kids this age learn through play and activity so is it a situation where they expect too much "in their seat, at their desk, or sitting still/quiet time" too keep your little guy engaged? If that is the case, you need to find a different daycare or preschool. They aren't going to change their philosophy for one child.

Is this a very structured setting? If so maybe he isn't ready for it just yet. That being said, not all home daycares are as "baby sitter styled" as you suggested his was but not all preschools are structured. There are also regular daycares. Maybe you need to explore some others and find a happy medium. Maybe there is a part-time program in your area that would be a better fit. Earlier this year, my daughter started going to a preschool twice a week and was otherwise at a home daycare. She now goes to a very play-based daycare/preschool.

Best of luck to you.

This is a non-answer, but you need to remember that as much as we try to teach our children to be well behaved and polite, once they are not in the company of their parents, we have no control over their behavior (it's that pesky free-will problem). We can tallk until we're blue in the face, and punish until there is nothing left to take away, but until the child gets old enough to control his or her own behavior, and think of the consequences of their actions, that old id is going to take over.

I think your son is seeing what he can get away with in his new environment, and is being exasperating because he can be, hence the trips to the principals office. Also, he his getting a lot of attention because of his behavior, so he is keeping it up.Talk to his teacher and the principal to brainstorm ways to keep his inappropriate behavior in check, without rewarding him with attention (or let him put himself into danger).

Can you take him out for the rest of the summer, and just pay to keep his spot until fall?

Good luck

I agree with another writer-the school should have communicated with you before now if he's a frequent flyer in the "principal's" office. He's three and a work in progress-just keep working with him on behavior issues. Most three year olds are clowns and will laugh at the silliest things, so he's got an easy audience. Good luck!

Your story is making me smile because he sounds like my son -- strong willed, doesn't like to be told what to do, charming, funny, smart, bold... My son used to have these spectacular tantrums at three and four and when I sent him to school I knew that if he had them at preschool, he would be kicked out. I was worried for him, somewhat ashamed (like you), etc. I told him point blank that if he had tantrums at school, he would be kicked out. He NEVER had a tantrum at school. When I asked the teachers about it, they were surprised -- not even a whisper of a tantrum. I thought when I told him that I was being too tough -- that he was too young to face the tough truths that adults face. He is now 8 and over and over again, what has worked with him is brutal honesty combined with loving support. Tell your son that if he doesn't get his act together, the likelihood is that the school will expel him. Tell him that you will love and support him no matter what, but that the consequences for consistently disobedient behavior in school (because he isn't bad, he's active and mischievous) is that he won't have preschool anymore and that includes his friends at school. I am willing to bet that he will get it together. Also, please know that this problem has nothing to do with bad parenting on your part and that you have a great son. He's just who he is and it's going to be up to him throughout life to manage who he is. All the best -- you have a bumpy road ahead of you, but lots of joy as well.

As the mother of a nine-year-old who is a FF at her principal's office, I feel your pain. But I think you need to be less concerned about what the school and the teachers think of you and more focused on your son. Is he just being himself? A lot of really bright, creative kids find it hard to fit in to a structured pre-school environment, and express it by misbehaving. Also, as others have noted, it's interesting that they let this go on for a month before telling you; that may be a bad sign--OR, it may be a sign that they simply don't take this as seriously as you do. They've seen ornery three-year-olds before, believe me; they may have just been trying to deal with a not-so-big problem before alerting you. What I did with my daughter was to just hang out with her for the better part of a day. It gave me insight as to what she was really doing wrong, what the teachers weren't handling well, and what I just needed to not stress out about. Above all, please don't tie yourself up in knots about whether the school will or will not "stand for" this stuff. Figure out what's going on with your boy and the rest will fall into place. The world is full of pre-schools.

This sounds like my child. I don't know exactly where you are located, but Parents as Teachers is a great organization that can help you learn some things to do with your child to help him hit milestones. Additionally, in Maryland there is the Judy Center which is a state mandated program for early childhood education.

http://www.parentsasteachers.org
http://www.judycenter.com/partners.cfm

We are currently working with a counselor from the Judy Center every other week and this is helping a great deal.

When my son started pre-school they tried to work with him but I got a letter asking us to remove him. I 'fought' back and went in to speak with the director because I didn't feel like they had been communicating the 'severity' of his behavior to me. He is still at that center and doing well. The Director asked me if she could call in someone from Parents as Teachers and that's where my journey started. our PAT person hooked us up with the Judy Center.

I would speak to the director of the pre-school. 3 years old sounds awfully young to be sent to the principal's office. His behavior (like my son's) requires different techniques to manage. If the teachers in your son's preschool are properly trained, they should have at least an idea of how to deal with his behavior. Being sent to the office isn't the answer.

Also, punishing him at home long after the incident is not going to help. I urge you to limit TV (same problem we had...) and definitely, contact your local Judy Center and Parents as Teachers. Involve the director at the pre-school also, tell him/her you want to have your son observed in the school setting by someone from the Judy Center (the preschool should have the number for the local Judy Center--if not, shame on them.) If you work as a team with the school, things can and will get better.

an added benefit is that the people at the Judy Center can and WILL suggest modifications to the center's programs, even arrangement of the furniture ect in the classrooms, to help the management of behavior. You may be surprised, the director may be reaching out to get your support and help because parent involvement is the most effective way to help not only your child but others indirectly.

You are NOT alone, I am also sure that your child is not the only one having behavior problems (there are only 25 kids in my son's center and there were at least 4 with similar issues).

good luck! and please let me know how it turns out!

B. M.

PS--I just saw that you are in VA--I found this website www.infantva.org (googled: "early childhood intervention virginia") I bet someone there could help you find the right resources in VA that is equivalent to the Judy Center in MD.

Boy that sounds familiar:) My son was the only one in his 3yo class who wouldn't sit still and it was only 3 hours. Fortunately we were able just to keep him home another year and found a great preschool the next year who was willing to work with him. At 6 we still have issues and are homeschooling, but maturity helps. I agree with the others about finding a happy medium. Good luck and just remember you're not the only one.